The ride to Mom’s was a silent one. Can’t say that I blame him. I’d just shot him down in the worst way. I knew he was guarded, never giving himself freely to anyone, and yet I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him what he wanted to hear.
Not because I didn’t want to. Fuck, I’d give anything to be his happily ever after. But because I’m just not sure that scenario even really exists.
Agreeing to marriage would be agreeing to failure, wouldn’t it?
“Levantate.” Mom hits me over the head with a pillow, telling me to get up.
It’s the morning after the proposal and I’m laid out on her vinyl-covered couch. As if the velvet floral pattern underneath wasn’t outdated enough, she had to go and stick plastic over the whole thing.
“Okay, okay, Ma. I’m up.” I sit up, peeling myself from the couch, sticky from having perspired over the night.
“So, are you going to tell me why you stayed here, in my home instead of the spacious apartment with the handsome man you were supposed to bring over for dinner last night?” She takes a seat next to me, holding my gaze with a look that leaves no room for lies.
Taking in a deep breath, I let it out before I lose the nerve. “He proposed.”
Mom shoots up like a rocket and immediately begins to pace back and forth. “Dios mio! What a blessing! I never thought you’d marry. Now you can give me grandbabies!”
I swear I think there are tears in her eyes. Well, this is going to be awkward.
“Mom, first of all, you don’t need any more grandbabies. Carmen has you set for life. Second of all, I didn’t exactly say yes.”
Mom stops her pacing and stares at me, slack-jawed. “Pero, why? That man looked at you like he was worshiping the moon. Not to mention he’s very handsome and would give you beautiful babies.”
“Again with the babies, Ma. Don’t you get enough cuddles when the kids come over? I know Carmen has you watching them at least twice a week.”
“Stop changing the subject and tell me why you let such a good man walk away.” She sits back down, pulling my hands into hers.
I take another deep breath and release another truth. “I’m scared. I’ve never wanted to get married. All I’ve ever seen is failure when it comes to marriage and relationships. I guess I just didn’t want to be another statistic. Another shattered soul among the many broken hearts.”
“Oh, Cassandra. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better example for you.” She shakes her head as she runs a hand over my unkempt hair. “But not all stories are as tragic as mine. Look at Carmen, she’s happily married to the love of her life, and has five beautiful children to show for it.”
I scoff. “Oh please, Carmen follows that man around like a lovesick puppy, catering to his every want and need.”
Mom tsks, “That’s love, Cassie. Do you see that Hernando also does the same for her? He spoils that woman rotten, any way he can. When you love someone completely, that’s what you do, you want to give them the world.”
Something stirs in my chest, and I know that it’s because her words resonate with my own truth. From the time I was eight, all I wanted to do was bring Ren peace and happiness. But instead, all I’ve done is hurt him time and time again because of my damn fear.
It’s my turn to shake my head at myself. If only I could kick my own ass, too. “God, Ma. Why was I so stupid?” Burying my face in my hands, I vow to try to make things right between Ren and me.
“We aren’t perfect, mija. Even Carmen and her husband have their problems. The trick is choosing who’s worth the fight. That one decision has the power to give you the love of a lifetime—if you’re brave enough to try.”
A tear escapes me, and I realize I’m crying yet again. Jesus. I’ve managed to reign in my emotions for over a decade, but give me twenty-four hours with Ren and I’m a blubbering mess.
Mom kisses me on the forehead before wiping at my cheek. “Why don’t you go clean up, have some breakfast, and then go get that man of yours. Okay?”
“Okay.” I smile, taking in a clearing breath and getting myself in gear to deliver the mother of all apologies. Lord knows it’s going to be one hell of a doozie.
I’m nervously chewing on my lip as the penthouse elevator ascends to its final destination where a big fat piece of humble pie awaits.
I can only hope that he accepts my apology. No man wants to have their marriage proposal rejected, and especially not have it induce a panic attack and tears of horror.
Mentally steeling myself for what’s to come, I smooth down the front of my dress and stand tall.
No matter what happens, I’ll be okay.
Repeating my mantra, I step out of the elevator and into the foyer where I have a clear view of the kitchen… and Becca… without her top.
My breakfast threatens to come back up as I stand there, clenching my jaw, unsure of what to do or say next.
Becca, however, is the epitome of calm and collected. She brings a coffee mug up to her lips and takes a sip before casually lifting her eyes to mine.
“Cassie, come to join us for our morning coffee?”
The shower that’d been running in the background shuts off and I know it’s only a matter of minutes before Ren comes strutting in with his post-orgasmic glow.
I almost vomit right then and there, but Bruce comes bursting into the foyer, jumping up onto his hind legs, greeting me with the enthusiasm of a toddler on a sugar high.
“Down boy.” I manage a small laugh, thankful for this beast that’s always been able to make the darkest of moments better. “We were together last night. You’d think we hadn’t seen each other in ages.”
I scratch behind his ear before grabbing his leash and doggy bag out of the coat closet. Doggy supplies in hand and elevator call button pushed, I turn to face the smug bitch who’s undoubtedly been watching my every move.
“Please tell Ren that I’ll send someone for the rest of my things.” The elevator doors slide open and I’m thankful for at least one thing going my way this morning.
At the very least, the quick exit will help me save a little face and let me break down in the comfort of my own car.
As soon as the door to my jeep closes, the dam of tears I’d been holding back breaks free.
The first emotion to hit is rage. Did what we share mean so little to him?
God, I’m such a damn hypocrite. That’s probably what he was thinking last night when I tore his heart in two.
I fucked up. Bad. And this is what I get… but did he have to move on so quickly?
My head can’t make sense of anything right now. Banging my head on the steering wheel, one word keeps spinning on a loop over and over again, like a broken record.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. So fucking stupid.
My first mistake was thinking that I could have any semblance of a normal relationship. My second mistake was allowing Ren to creep into my heart. My third mistake was the horrible way I handled things last night.
I’ll be damned if I’m stuck making any more foolish mistakes. This morning’s run-in was an eye-opener.
No more putting my stupid heart on the line. I wasn’t built for shit like this.
