“Are you feeling it, too?” Joey bit out, hands gripping the wheel with such force it turned his knuckles white, as we drove away from Johnny Kavanagh’s house.
“Feeling what?” I strangled out.
Joey looked me dead in the eye and made me feel a little less alone in my disgrace when he said, “Relief?”
I nodded, hating myself for even thinking it, but I felt it.
And so did he.
“Is she okay?” I croaked out, when words found me again.
Joey nodded stiffly. “Supposed to be.”
“Is that what happened?” I whispered, feeling tears prickle my eyes as disgust and self-hatred took over. “Was she in the hospital all weekend and we didn’t know?”
Again, my brother nodded stiffly.
“Oh, Joey,” I sobbed. “She was alone.”
“She had him,” Joey bit out, jaw clenched. “He was with her, and he is home now.”
“What are we going to do?” I asked, needing him to have the answers I didn’t. “Joe?”
“I don’t know,” he finally choked out, voice cracking. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Shannon.”
“It’s okay,” I forced myself to say. “You don’t have to know. You’re only eighteen.”
“I can’t be there, Shan,” he finally said, face awash with guilt. “I can’t live like this anymore.”
“I know,” I breathed, feeling faint hearing those words come out of his mouth.
I’d heard those words before.
From Darren.
“I think we should consider what Aoife said,” Joey added, voice thick with emotion.
“What about what Aoife said?” I choked out, horrified.
“Calling this in.”
“You must be joking,” I deadpanned.
Joey looked at me with guilty eyes but he didn’t respond.
“I am not going into care,” I spat, feeling
“Shannon, she was talking to me last night about my future, and she made a lot of sense–”
“Your future,” I deadpanned.
Joey groaned loudly. “Not just me, Shannon. All of us –”
“I can’t believe you would even think it after what happened to Darren!” I screamed, losing all grasp on my emotions. “How could you think about doing that to us, Joey?”
My father terrorized me.
He battered me.
I lived in constant fear.
But he never touched me like that.
He never raped me.
Which is exactly what happened to Darren repeatedly for months and months, over and over until they almost killed him.
I read the reports years after it happened.
I knew all about the surgeries he had to have to repair the damage those bastards caused him.
And now Joey was contemplating risking that?
Go back.
Turn the car around and go back to him.
Go back to Johnny.
Tell him.
Tell him and let him help you.
He told you he would.
No, you idiot, he can’t help you.
No one can.
Your own brother’s giving up on you!
“If you want to go then go!” I screamed as hot tears poured down my cheeks. “Go off and leave us. Go be with Aoife and have a wonderful life together. I’ll protect the boys.”
“You can’t even protect yourself! ” Joey roared. “I’m doing that, Shannon. Me. I’m the one trying to soften the fucking blows and they just keep coming.
“Then maybe you and Dad will both get lucky and he’ll finish me off the next time,” I hissed as a huge sob racked through me. “It’ll save you the worry, and him the energy.”
“Don’t fucking say that, Shannon!” Joey bellowed, slamming his hand on the steering wheel.
“Why not?” I strangled out between gasps. “It’s the truth.”
“Shannon, breathe,” Joey commanded in a softer tone as he reached over and rubbed my back. “Take a breath.”
I couldn’t.
I could not fucking breathe.
Leaning forward, I desperately tried to drag air into my lungs.
“Good girl,” Joey coaxed as he steered with one hand and rubbed my back with the other. “Nice and slow.”
By the time we made it back to the house, I had managed to calm myself down to the point where I could actually drag air into my lungs.
For several minutes, we just sat outside the house, staring at our father’s car parked in the driveway.
I did not want to go into that house.
And neither did Joey.
We were both completely screwed.
No, you’re screwed. He’ll be fine…
“Shannon?” Joey’s voice broke through my thoughts.
I didn’t look at him.
I didn’t respond either.
“Are you listening to me?” he asked.
I nodded weakly, keeping my eyes trained on the car.
“The next time he puts his hands on you, I want you to fight back.”
I stiffened.
“Are you listening to me?”
I nodded.
“If he touches you again, Shannon, then I want you to grab the sharpest knife you can, and I want you to plunge it into his heart.”
Sniffling, I turned to look at him. “You’re not coming back, are you?”
Joey just stared at me, eyes filled with tears. “I can’t,” he whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek. “If I go back inside that house, I’ll kill them both.”
I watched his face, registered the truth he was telling me, and then I unfastened my seatbelt and opened the door.
“Goodbye, Joey,” I whispered numbly, and then I climbed out and walked inside.
