The car ride home was primarily quiet. I had tried to initiate conversation more than once during the drive, but Jessa wasn’t engaging. I didn’t know where it all went wrong. Perhaps she was reaching a breaking point with Jackson’s seizures, given how disruptive they were to his daily life.
I’d seen many different reactions from parents in these situations, so it didn’t surprise me that she was preoccupied after the latest episode. Instead of prattling on about nonsense, I remained quiet, thinking about what I’d picked up from Jacks in the short time we’d spent together thus far.
The kid was undoubtedly positive and seemed to have inherited my competitive streak, which was apparent in his athletic proficiency. However, I was most interested to see his willpower and ability to stand up in the face of adversity. I wanted to see a fighter’s mentality because, after this surgery, it would take the heart of a fucking lion to get his life back.
In this short time, I couldn’t say whether the kid would let this surgery mentally beat him, but his positive attitude was a good start. Most kids his age were preoccupied with getting laid and video games, throwing temper tantrums if they didn’t get whatever they felt was owed to them.
Jacks couldn’t have that entitled mentality if he wanted a strong recovery. Hell no. This surgery would bring me to my knees at this age, not to mention what it would’ve done to me at sixteen. Thankfully, Jacks seemed a lot more mature than I was at his age, and he wasn’t an all-star because his mommy was screaming at the coaches that her son deserved it. He worked his ass off for that; I saw that in his eyes. Those attributes would serve him well in recovery.
“He’s out like a light,” I said to Jessa after we pulled up to the house. “I’ll grab him.”
“No,” Jessa said, speaking for the first time since we rolled onto the scenic 17-mile Drive. “He can wake up and walk in. He’s good.”
His mom made him work past the crippling episodes. She didn’t baby him or cater to it, and that was good for him.
“Jacks,” she said, shifting in her seat to look back at him and rouse him. “Hey, it’s much more comfortable on a bed than in the car.” She chuckled.
“Ugh,” Jacks protested. “I hate this.”
“No shit,” I answered. “I can carry your precious little butt into the house if you want?”
“God, no. I mean, unless you’re offering a piggyback ride,” Jacks managed to tease, prompting me to laugh and step out of the car.
I turned and opened Jackson’s door. His eyes were slightly opened, and the exhaustion from the seizure was present, but he dropped his feet out of the side of the car and rose.
He stretched and then smiled at me, “Knicks are going to wipe the Lakers off the basketball court tonight. No tears when they do.”
“You must be sleepwalking,” I teased, “because that would only happen in your dreams, kiddo.”
“Mm-hmm,” he answered, then yawned while he rolled his eyes.
“I’ll help you in the house. But, unfortunately, you must be under five-feet tall to take the piggyback ride, so you’re going to have to hoof it,” I said.
“I’m going to take the trail down and go for a walk on the beach,” Jessa said. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Hold up,” I called out. “I’ll head down with you. You want a beer or something?”
“That sounds nice,” she answered. “Maybe a blanket and a glass of wine would be better.”
She gave me a look that made my dick suddenly throb. Fucking hell. Of all the times my dick decides to come out and play, it’s when we’re stacked on top of each other in this house. I hadn’t responded sexually with Jessa since first seeing her at that resort, and now, when we’re all in this home like a bunch of fucking vacationers, the damn thing decides to finally give me a fucking pulse.
“Everything okay?” Jessa waved her hand as if trying to bring my mind back to earth.
Oh, just having an internal argument with my dick. All fucking good here.
“Yeah, I was just thinking…” I paused. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be back with a blanket and some wine.”
“I was kidding,” she said with a laugh. “I wondered why you sort of blanked out just now.”
Because I suddenly want to fuck you under that blanket after we’ve had a glass of wine? Because I’m suddenly hornier than ever? And, most of all, because I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, and I was such a goddamn fool to leave you?
“Okay, cool. Be back in a sec,” I said, then turned to walk toward the house where Jacks was already fifty steps ahead of me.
“All right. The room’s up here, Champ,” I said, walking up two sets of floating pine steps to reach a loft where two separate rooms were situated.
“Champ?” Jacks said in a tired, humored voice. “Funny, that’s what Mom calls me.”
I smiled. “Yeah? She called me that in college too because I kicked ass, sort of like those Lakers are going to do this evening.”
“Can I ask you a question?” Jacks said when we reached the third floor, and I turned left to the room where he’d be staying.
“You just did, but please, do ask another,” I teased, raising my arm to admit him into the corner room. The view of the cliffs and the ocean was out of this world.
There goes that sex on the beach idea, I thought, realizing you could see for miles from this window. It was like a goddamn lighthouse or something.
“You and Mom?” he started, and his curious expression killed any sex drive that had possessed me from out of the clear blue sky minutes ago.
“Were good friends in college,” I said slowly, begging him with my eyes not to get it right now.
He scrunched his face up with a look that made my stomach knot.
Jesus Christ, kid. Please do not put it all together here and now, I thought, knowing he was worn-out but scared as hell I was about to answer for being the deadbeat dad he never cared to meet.
“I don’t know. I’m just tired,” he said.
Then he shook his head as if trying to rid himself of a question he was too afraid to ask. A question that I was too chicken shit to answer.
“You look it,” I smiled and ruffled his thick, black hair, another thing he’d inherited from his grandfather and me. “Get some rest, and hey, what’s your favorite snack to eat while watching the game?”
He chuckled. “I don’t know. I never got to chill out and watch a game like that before. I had to watch on my phone in my room because Warren was always watching the news. He hated watching games.”
Why does that not surprise me?
“Well, that sucks for him,” I said. “There’s nothing like eating chicken wings and chips and dips while drinking beers and watching the game in the luxury of your own home.”
Jackson’s face lit up. “I love nachos. Maybe I’ll be hungry for something like that later, but I need to take a nap first,” he finished. “You and mom enjoy your walk or whatever on the beach.”
“You’re a good kid. You know that?” I said, and I thoroughly meant it.
“Thanks. I think you’re a pretty good doctor, too. And thank you for helping me through the seizure today. Sorry I sort of ended everything early.”
“I am pretty fucking pissed that I couldn’t go back through that aquarium again,” I smirked.
He laughed. “Better watch that mouth around my mom, Doc.” He shook his head, “Sorry she’s been jumping your case about that. I have no idea why she is, either, because I’ve heard her use every word in the book. It’s weird.”
“She’s a great mom, and I can say that with authority because I’ve met many amazing moms in my profession. Yours is one of the best and most caring ones I know.”
“Sounds like you might have a thing for her,” he said with a yawn, and I started to think I was keeping the poor kid up when all he wanted to do was close his eyes.
Seizures were no damn joke. Not only did they pause space and time while you went through them but coming out of them took your ass out also. It was like having your brain suddenly be rebooted.
“Get some sleep, buddy. We can shoot the shit later,” I said. “Oh, and don’t tell your mom I’m a closet curser.”
“Ha,” was all he said, and that’s when I left to let the poor kid get some rest.
I wasn’t prepared for the feelings I’d been experiencing since I’d been here with Jackson and Jessa. I was reminded of the fond times I’d spent with my father before I went away to college and the mornings that I’d spent drinking coffee and talking with my mom—family things. I hadn’t felt anything like this since my parents passed away, the warm and fuzzy feelings, and I didn’t want to fight it. It was like I’d been hypothermic, and someone had wrapped a warm blanket around me.
I had these renewed yet different feelings for Jessa. How did any of this happen? I mean, I never would have described myself as lonely before. If I wanted a woman’s company, it wasn’t hard to attain. Go out, have some beers, and bring whichever gal I’d choose to the nicest hotel suite around until it was time for me to go again. Voila. Done and done. No strings and no one to disrupt my career and the kids who needed me to be the best doctor I could be.
No, I wasn’t lonely; I didn’t think so, anyway. On the contrary, I was the happiest asshole on the planet. I owned lots of real estate, two Cessna airplanes, and a luxury helicopter company that flew tourists all over the coast. I even hired a man to run my father’s company after he passed away so I wouldn’t be distracted by it.
Hell, outside of being a very successful pediatric neurosurgeon, I found a way to enjoy life and live it to its fullest. I was the poster child for living each day as if it were your last, and because of that, I wasn’t going to deny these feelings.
I wanted to believe that Jessa was feeling this way too. She had a look in her eye when I locked eyes with her before we got into the car, a look that made me think she was staring into my soul, and she loved what she found.
There was a reason fate brought my girl and son into my life. And I wasn’t going to ignore that.
Even though we were in a house with my friends, I didn’t give a fuck. I would find a way to start new with my Jessa. The past was in the past for a reason, but the present was where I thrived. My decisions in the here and now would create the future, and that future was looking brighter than the sun moving toward the horizon.
It was time to bring this bottle of wine and blanket to my lady and prove that we were back in each other’s lives for more reasons than one.
“Hey,” I said, trying to act casual and not like some guy who’d been reading inspirational quotes on Instagram all day.
“I was kidding about the wine,” she said, shaking her head and laughing.
“You are so beautiful. You know that?” I said precisely what I felt when my eyes searched her sparkling ones. “I was such a dipshit to walk away from you.”
“Yes, you were,” she arched a playful eyebrow at me. “Now, pour me a glass when we get down to the beach, so I can enjoy it without falling.”
The house was on the cliff, but the trail to the beach was anything but treacherous, thanks to the wooden stairs leading safely down.
Once we reached the bottom, I poured the merlot and handed her the glass. “Hopefully, this will enhance your walk. Listen,” I grew more serious, “I want—”
Fuck. My brain froze. What the hell was I going to say? More than that, why was I so goddamn nervous?
“You want?” Jessa answered with a laugh. She took a sip of her wine while I poured mine fuller than usual. “Maybe you want to tell me why you’re acting so weird?” She took the chenille throw blanket from my hands and wrapped it around her shoulders. “How about this? I want to take a walk and enjoy this crisp ocean air while I watch the waves crash into the shit-stained rocks.”
I smiled and set the wine bottle down next to where I’d kicked off my shoes in the sand. Jessa’s shoes were tossed off to the side, and once I put everything together, I walked toward her on the wet sand.
I slowed some, taking in this view of the woman as she moved gracefully along the shoreline. The wind breezed through her hair, tossing her golden locks in circles, as she watched the waves spraying up after crashing against the rocks in the ocean.
The fog muted the sun, making it chillier than it should’ve been.
“As I was saying before,” I announced as I came up to her side, “You’re a good mom. I mean that.”
“Thank you, Cameron,” she said, her eyes slightly more relaxed after a few sips of wine. “And you’re a great doctor. I’m not just saying that, either. For you to take on Jacks as a patient, then diagnose him so quickly, and take this personal time with him, it means a lot to me.” Her features became more serious, “I wish I were confident about this surgery, but I’m hoping that will come. And soon.”
“Jackson has six months to a year at the absolute most before I cannot operate on him,” I said, my mind functioning much better in surgeon mode than lover-boy mode. “That doesn’t mean I want you to take that amount of time to decide. However, I can see his spirit will pull him through recovery, and even though some areas may be problematic, there will also be areas where he will recover better than I anticipate.”
“Yeah,” she answered, pulling her fingers through her long hair. “I’m just going to need a bit of time. Thank you, though.”
“For what?” I asked, wondering if her brain was misfiring like mine was currently.
She licked her lips, and I ran my bottom lip between my teeth, holding back my sudden craving and desire to kiss this woman.
“For helping Jacks with his seizure today. Your friends, too. All of you were great.” She stopped walking and turned to face me. The blanket was wrapped tightly around her, and she held it just beneath her neck. She looked past me to the ocean, studying something beyond the white-capped waves as they rolled into shore.
“You know, Warren would’ve let that ruin our entire trip. And his friends would’ve never invited us out again. It’s happened more times than I care to admit.”
My face fell. I was pissed at what she’d proclaimed, but more than that, I was saddened by it. I suddenly felt like I’d abandoned the most beautiful soul in the entire world for my selfish interests. She and Jackson would’ve never had to endure that if I’d only stayed.
“I should’ve never left you,” I blurted out again.
I’d said it for what seemed like the hundredth time. Did it even mean anything to her at this point? I wasn’t sure she knew how serious I was; maybe that’s why it was so easy for her to move on from the subject.
“Don’t,” she said with determination.
“No. I won’t have you push me away for that. It’s how I left you; that’s why you never told me about our son, Jessa. I put you in a horrible position, and it wasn’t just by getting you pregnant and leaving. It was my selfish bullshit that stopped you from interfering with my life. I’m sorry for that from the bottom of my heart. I truly am.”
I reached out for her soft face and thanked God she didn’t push me away. My eyes followed where the back of my fingers traced along her soft cheeks, and my heart picked up, feeling a jolt of energy course through my hand as I touched her.
“I forgave you long ago for texting me after you left.” Her breath caught, and I could tell this tender moment was doing the same things to her as it was to me. “Let’s leave it in the past,” she said, her face leaning into my hand.
“I never finished loving you, baby,” I said, meaning every word that came out of my mouth and somehow feeling like I had permission to call her that again.
“Please.” Her eyes closed, and as I bent to kiss her, I noticed a frown on her lips. Then, her eyes reopened. “Please, don’t do this,” she pleaded with tear-filled eyes.
“I will not break your heart again; I promise you. Jessa, please give me another chance. I have no idea what hit me today, but I feel like my family has come home. I never felt like I wasn’t whole before until being with you and my son today.” I smiled at her expression as it began to soften. “Being on this silly birthday trip, I know that you and Jackson—” I shook my head, mentally begging myself to explain this feeling to her correctly. “God, I don’t know how to say this, but this all feels right. I’ve had a void in my soul and didn’t realize it until I spent this time with both of you. I’ve never needed anything in my life as much as I need you and my son, Jessa.”
She studied me for a moment, then her hand traced along my jaw as she examined my eyes. “Cameron,” she shook her head, “these emotions are probably coming from being around your friends and their families, knowing that Jacks is your son. And the guilt that you feel for leaving me piled on top of that is amplifying it. It’s probably some weird, parent high you’re on or something. It will go away.”
I shook my head. “Don’t tell me how I’m feeling. This isn’t some fleeting thought. I feel it deeper than anything I’ve ever known. Please don’t push me away.”
She chewed on her bottom lip and shook her head while studying the ocean again. “It’s not just my heart you’ll break this time; it’s Jackson’s too.”
“Do you think I don’t know that? I wouldn’t dare hurt that boy, and I swear to God, I’ll never lose you again if you give me the chance to prove I’m a better man.”
She walked past me, then turned back and smiled. My chest tightened with anticipation that I was doing this too hard and too fast. I could quickly lose her by speaking every thought I was suddenly feeling. This was very abrupt, but something told me that I had to speak up now or I never would.
This was my moment of truth, and I only hoped she would answer by allowing me to try and prove that my words matched what was in my heart and soul.
