Two hours later, I was sitting in the small hospital waiting room with Alana, my mama and my uncles when a surgeon in scrubs walked in. I stood up to greet him and my mama gasped out loud behind me, preparing herself for the worst.
‘Mr Montoya,’ the surgeon addressed me.
I stared at him, wondering whether he was about to blow our whole world apart.
‘Your father made it through the surgery and is stable,’ he said and I heard the collective sigh of relief reverberating around the small room. Then my mom was beside me, taking the surgeons hands in hers. ‘Thank you so much, Doctor,’ she sobbed and I put my arm around her shoulder.
‘He’s in recovery now. You can see him for a few moments, but he’s going to be out for at least the next twelve hours and he needs his rest.’
‘Thank you, doc,’ I said to him.
‘Your father is a fighter,’ he said with a nod before turning and walking out of the room.
Twenty minutes later, I was standing at my father’s bedside. My mom and my uncles had come in to see him first, and then Alana and me. She had left me a few moments earlier to allow me some time alone. I looked at him lying there, helpless and hooked up to a dozen machines and felt the weight of the guilt on my shoulders. If only I had been here. Could I have stopped this? The doctors said he was stable, but he would need weeks, maybe months to fully recover, and that was if he would ever return to the man he once was.
I knew that my time to step up and try to fill his shoes was here, and I wasn’t sure that I would ever measure up to this man lying in front of me. Our relationship hadn’t always been an easy one. He had kept me at a distance for a lot of my life. He had taught me well and he was always there when I truly needed him, but the day to day stuff was often lacking. He’d always told me that me and my mom were his biggest weaknesses and as a kid I’d always kind of resented that. But now I completely understood what he meant. Loving someone was like walking around with your heart outside of your body. With that most precious part of you exposed for the whole world to see. Now that I had Alana, I understood that so much better than I ever had. And it was that which I was sure had brought my father and I closer together in these past few months.
I sat beside him and took hold of his hand. It was warm to the touch, but it didn’t look quite as big as it once had, and I wondered at the last time I had held my father’s hand. I must have been a small child, and he would have been big to me then. In fact, he had seemed like a giant. Not now though. Now he was just a man.
‘Lo siento, Papa,’ I said as I kissed his knuckles. ‘But I will find whoever did this to you and I will make them pay in ways they can’t even imagine,’ I said as I felt the fire surging in my belly. This was what I needed. There was no more time for remorse or regret. The anger would be my fuel. It would be that which I’d need to get me through the next few weeks.
