“YOU’RE NOT GOING to report him? Are you serious? He was such a creep to you.” Laura says as she settles back on her lounge chair. She’s still in Florida for winter break. I’m so jealous that she gets to wear a bikini right now, whereas I just came in from shoveling snow in front of the diner, but I’m trying hard not to show it because knowing her, she’d just offer to buy me a plane ticket to Naples. Before the game, I probably would have pretty much lived at James’ place during the winter break, but now I’m on Aunt Nicole’s couch. The only upside? The apartment rehab is almost finished, so soon, Mom and I will be able to move back in. We’ve been hunting for some used furniture for the place since everything was smoke damaged and had to be thrown out.
I pick at my sweater. The diner is open, but with the snow, I’m not expecting very many customers, so right now I’m curled up in a booth in the back, laptop on the table. The real story about why James didn’t make the throw to Darryl hasn’t come out, and I don’t think it will. But even though James and I are on a break, the issue with Darryl hasn’t gone away. At the very least, both are facing suspensions, and that could get worse for Darryl if I report his sexual misconduct.
In the week and a half since the game, the diner has been just the dose of reality I needed. My life isn’t fancy football games and playing around with photography. It’s waking up early to meet suppliers and staying long after the diner closes to go over the books.
Only now it’s missing James, too. If I’m not focused every single second of the day, I just revert to wishing I was with him. The urge to call him comes up about ten times every hour. I know I’m being unfair, pretty much ignoring him, but whenever I pick up the phone, I just think of the moment he gave up the game for me and want to cry.
Even if we stayed together, eventually he would realize that I’m not worth those kinds of sacrifices. And if he never figures it out, then he might end up doing something that will mess up his career.
I love him, and I have no fucking idea what to do without him in my life. But if it’s between preserving his future and being selfish, I’d rather watch him from afar than ruin things for him by his side.
“I know,” I tell Laura, mentally shaking myself out of my train of thought. “But they might expel him.”
“Good.”
“Is it though?” I look at Laura. While I appreciate the steadfast support, I’m not sure it’s what I need to hear right now. “I don’t want to completely ruin his life.”
“He tried to ruin yours. He kissed you without your consent and tried to make you break up with your boyfriend! He’s an asshole.”
“Yeah, well.” I bite my lip to keep it from wobbling. “We have history. He’s not all bad.”
“If you tell them, they might not suspend James.” She shades her eyes, leaning in a bit. “He didn’t start the fight, so he shouldn’t even be suspended in the first place, but if they know the whole context, how could they? He didn’t break any official rules by messing up that throw. Darryl’s the one who hurt you and then fought him, that’s breaking the rules.”
“I guess.”
“Even if you’re on a break or whatever—which you know I think is stupid—”
I sigh. “Yes.”
“—You owe it to James and to yourself to report it. You can’t just let Darryl get away with that kind of shitty behavior. He shouldn’t get suspended and then be able to make up the credits over the summer, come on.”
“I know you’re right,” I admit.
“So what’s the problem?”
“I don’t know!” I burst out. “I feel like he already got punished, I guess. James took care of that.”
“That’s not the same as a real consequence. Who’s to say he wouldn’t do the same thing to someone else? Or worse? Maybe getting expelled would be the wakeup call he needs.”
“You’re right.” I pull my sleeves over my hands. It’s cold in the diner; that’s something I should investigate. Maybe there’s something wrong with the heater. I hope not, because that would mean spending money we don’t have to fix it.
“You don’t know he’ll get expelled,” she adds. “You’d report it and the student discipline council or whatever would figure it out.”
I know Laura’s right. Even though Darryl only kissed me, in that moment, I was afraid he’d do something worse. Maybe if we had been truly alone, he would have tried it. But the thought of reporting the whole incident feels… embarrassing, I guess.
“I fell for his shit and put myself in a position to let him do this.”
Laura shakes her head. “Tell me you’re not saying you think this is your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have agreed to talk to him.”
“You’re not in control of his actions. He chose to kiss you without your say-so. He chose to punch James. He chose to do all of this, Bex! Let him deal with the consequences!”
“If I didn’t meet with him, then James wouldn’t have had a reason to miss that throw.” I sniffle. Tears seem to come so easily lately. “I let myself get drawn into his orbit again, and then I couldn’t keep it quiet throughout one fucking football game.” I swipe my hand over my eyes roughly. “I was a fucking idiot.”
“I wish I could hug you right now,” Laura says. “I would hug you so hard.”
I smile, hiccupping. “I’d like that.”
“You could come down to Florida for a couple days. Maybe it would help you clear your head.”
I shake my head. “Thanks, but I can’t. There’s so much to do here.”
“Okay,” she says, reluctance clear on her face. “I have to go in a minute, but let me know what you decide, okay? If you want me to be there when you report it, I will be.”
When she hangs up, I sit back, bringing my legs up to my chest. The bell at the front door rings, but it’s just Christina, bringing in snow on her boots.
“Hey, Bex!” she calls.
I wave to her. “Thanks for coming in.”
“There’s a boy waiting outside,” she says. “He asked if you were in here.”
My heart skips a beat. “What did he look like?”
“He’s blond.” She grins, a little slyly. “Really cute, too.”
So not James… but not Darryl, either. “Thanks. I’ll go talk to him.”
I BRING Sebastian into the diner for a slice of pie and cup of coffee. He carefully wipes his boots on the mat at the front door, looking around the diner as he does.
“It’s pretty in here.”
“Thanks.” I smile at him. “There are some hooks over there, you can hang up your coat. Want some coffee?”
“Only if you have a cup with me.”
I look back at the empty diner. “I think I can squeeze in a break.”
Sebastian settles in across from me in the booth, cupping his mug in his hand. I just look at him for a moment, nervous to talk to him alone. I’ve spent a lot of time with him over the past couple of months, and I’d say we’re friends—we’ve cooked together a couple times, which has resulted in a lot of laughter and scolding Cooper and James for stealing bites mid-cook—but I’ve never been alone with him. He taps one long finger against the ceramic of the mug.
“James told us what happened,” he says, finally.
I just nod. “How is he doing?”
“Terribly.” Sebastian makes a face as he takes a sip of coffee. “I’ve never seen him go so long without talking to Richard.”
My stomach pinches. “He’s not talking to him?”
“He knows Richard talked to you.” Sebastian sighs. “I love my adoptive dad, but he can be demanding. I know what it’s like, being an outsider when it comes to him, and the family. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
I haven’t seen this side of Sebastian before, and it’s interesting. I knew he was adopted, of course; James filled me in on the story, but I never thought about him coming into an already close-knit family and needing to find a way to fit in. I certainly felt it at Christmastime, but I was the girlfriend, an outsider by design.
Even though I feel terrible that James hasn’t been talking to his father, it eases some of the tension in my belly, hearing that Sebastian understands what I’m going through.
“The thing is,” I say, “I don’t disagree with him. James is meant to play football. I don’t want to stand in the way of that.”
“Still,” he says. “He shouldn’t have gone behind his back like that. James is terrified he’s going to lose you because of him.”
“Not because of him.” I bite my lip. “I just don’t know if I could live with myself if he does something like that again, only with an entire career on the line. If he ruined things for himself, because of me, for me… it’s just…”
Sebastian reaches across the table and takes my hand. He squeezes it tightly. I look up at him with surprise. “You think you don’t deserve him.”
I feel myself flush. “Maybe.”
“You know that my father played for the Reds.”
“Yeah.”
“So I had a lot of privilege, growing up. It wasn’t like I came from nothing. But when I first moved in with the Callahans… I felt like I didn’t deserve any of it. My parents had just died, I thought the whole world was over. And suddenly I had this whole new life, with brothers and a little sister and a new set of parents.” He withdraws his hand, settling back into the booth, and huffs out a quiet laugh. “I was angry at everything in the whole fucking world. It didn’t matter to me that my dad had been best friends with Richard. I wanted out. The first week at my new school, I provoked an eighth grader into a fight. I was a tiny sixth grader, mind you. He was twice my size. Two punches and I lost whatever element of surprise I went into the brawl with.”
I smile at the thought of a little eleven-year-old Sebastian in his private school uniform, throwing a punch. “What happened?”
“James saw it and jumped in. Cooper was right on his heels. It didn’t matter to them that I was this new kid, taking up their parents’ attention. Their parents told them I was their brother, so they were ready to defend me no matter what. I’d been nothing but shitty to them since the funeral, and they didn’t care. Not then. Not when I needed their help.”
I blink, and a tear streaks down my face. “That sounds like James.”
“Sandra picked us all up after—we got suspended, the three of us, mind you—and I broke down. I hadn’t cried at all at the funeral, and suddenly I was bawling with a paper towel up my nose because it was still bleeding.” He laughs again, shaking his head. “James put his arm around me, and I don’t think he even said anything, but I got what he meant. We were best friends after that. It took me a lot longer to truly get comfortable calling them my brothers, but from that point on, we were inseparable. I didn’t ask James or Coop to help me. They would’ve done in even if two seconds before, I’d told them I hated them.
“James is going to put the people he loves before anything else whether you want him to or not, Bex. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be balance, I guess, but you shouldn’t feel bad about what he did. He did it because he loves you, and I think he’d do it again. Don’t push him away for being who he is. How he’s always been, even if Richard would wish he wasn’t, sometimes.”
“How did you realize you’re worth it?” I blurt. The moment the words leave my mouth, I wish I could take them back. Talk about pathetic. But it’s been running through my mind ever since the game. James might love me, he might do anything for me, but am I worth it? Am I worth losing a football game? Risking a suspension?
Sebastian looks thoughtful; he doesn’t laugh. “You really think you’re not?”
“I don’t know.” I drop my gaze to the table. My cooling coffee hasn’t been touched since we sat down. “Maybe.”
“I don’t know what to tell you to make you realize what you deserve,” he says slowly. “What I do know is that you’re smart, you’re wicked talented, and one day, I’d love to call you my sister-in-law. If you decide that’s what you want too, then I hope you find a way to work things out with him.”
I wipe at my eyes. “Thanks, Seb.”
“Believe in him,” he says. “He wouldn’t have done it if he thought you weren’t.”
