I glance at Alec lying next to me. He’s fast asleep, his lashes fluttering ever so slightly. I lean in closer, wrapping my arm around him. He sighs and turns away, pushing against me in his sleep.
He’s been different lately. He hasn’t been himself since his mother asked for a divorce. There’s so much distance between us now, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I’ve never seen Alec in this much anguish—seeing his mother fall apart, seeing her hounded by the press… he’s hurting right along with her, and it’s made him pull away from me more and more.
I run a finger over his arm, eliciting a slight shiver from him. I miss him. He’s right here, but I miss him. He doesn’t look at me the same anymore. When he smiles at me, it’s like I’m just another girl. He hasn’t even touched me in weeks now.
I move closer to him, pressing myself against him. I need his skin against mine. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t be like my mother, like Sofia, but I want to be all he sees. Even against my better judgement, he’s all I want. I’m fighting my feelings so hard, but I’m at my heart’s mercy. He’ll kiss me, and all reason escapes me.
Alec sighs, his lashes fluttering. He blinks slowly, his eyes finding mine.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice raspy.
I tighten my grip on him and press a kiss to his forehead. Alec throws his arms around me and pulls me closer, my head on his chest. He buries his hand in my hair, gripping tightly.
“What’s wrong?” he whispers, and I shake my head.
“It’s nothing. Just can’t sleep.”
Alec pulls away to look at me, his gaze searching. “Worried about your mom? She’s been recovering just fine. The way she’s handling Rousseau Corporation is astounding.”
I nod. I am partially worried about my mother, but it’s more than that. “Yes, I’m worried about my mom, but also yours. The media has been all over her divorce. It’s been so hard on her, and we can’t protect her. I’m worried.”
Alec nods. “I know, but she’s got us. She isn’t alone. Your mother has proven to be a pillar of strength, too. Just having her around has made it so much easier on Mom. Those two… they’ve both been hurt in many of the same ways.”
I sigh. “I’m just tired, Alec. I’m tired of all the pain that surrounds us, all the heartache.”
“I know, Buttercup.” He cups my cheek and presses a gentle kiss to my lips. “But that’s just life. Both our mothers chose love, and they paid the price. That’s the risk of giving someone your heart—you have to trust that they won’t break it, that they won’t break you. And this world that we live in… it’s shallow, it’s opportunistic, and it’s vain.” He brushes my hair behind my ear and sighs. “The past cannot be undone, but we can learn from it.”
I nod. He’s right. I know he is. But can I harden my heart the way he has? Despite everything that’s happened to my mother, to Sofia, my heart still craves what I know I can’t have. A small part of me still longs for the things I’ve never known—a loving family of my own. It’s foolish, and I know it, but I can’t control my heart.
“Do you really think it’s possible to live without love?”
Alec nods as he plays with my hair. “We’ve been doing it just fine, haven’t we?”
His words hurt, yet I smile through the pain. He has no idea that I fall a little further every day.
“Do you love me, Alec? Even just a little?”
He stares at me wide-eyed and sits up; the sheets bunching up around his waist. Alec runs a hand through his hair and inhales deeply.
“Elena, why are you asking me this?”
I sit up on my knees and look into his eyes. “Alec… I just… you and I… we’re not like our parents. You know I’d never betray you, and I don’t think you’d ever cheat on me either. We’re not like them.”
He nods, his expression wary. “We aren’t, because we have agreements in place. Because our marriage is transactional. You and I don’t need to rely on love to keep us together. We have so much more than that.”
“I understand,” I tell him. “I do, Alec. But why does that need to be all we have?”
Alec sighs and looks at me, his expression irritated. “Elena, why are we even talking about this? I gave you an out when I proposed. I told you that if you married me, you’d be agreeing to a life without love. So why do you suddenly want more?” He leans back against his pillow, a dismayed expression on his face. “After everything you just witnessed, you still want love? You watched multiple lives get destroyed over it, yet you still want it? Why?”
I look away, unsure how to explain myself. “Alec… you and I both grew up in households without love. Is that what you want for our children?”
He looks at me, and the coldness in his eyes has a shiver running down my spine. “All of this… what is this, Elena?” His eyes are flashing with an emotion I can’t quite decipher. Is it anger? Irritation? He’s making me feel like merely asking whether he loves me is inconveniencing him. “You got what you wanted—you managed to save your mother’s life. And I married you so I’ll get the job I want. That’s all this marriage is, Elena. It’s just a mutual beneficial arrangement.”
I clasp my hands, trying my hardest to keep from trembling. “That’s it?” I ask, my voice breaking. “That’s all I am to you?”
Alec looks down at his hands and shakes his head. “I care about you, Elena. Of course, I do. You know I do.”
Alec shakes his head and turns his back to me. I hear the words he doesn’t say. He cares about me—but he doesn’t love me, and he probably never will.
