“Please don’t.” The stylized face on the screen shook its head worriedly. “Doing so would kill me, and I’d very much prefer to avoid that.”
“You’d be surprised how many people say that to me right before I kill them,” Abe replied, craning his head around to look for the speaker.
“Twice in Caracas, once in Djibouti, and four times in Jakarta,” the face replied, smiling brightly. “Look, we don’t have to be crude about this. I am more than willing to defect. I’d just prefer that you not kill me out of hand before we can make a deal.
Abe frowned, looking down at his hand as he ticked off fingers while mumbling something to himself. First two fingers. Then four. Then another two.
“You missed one of the arms smugglers in Djibouti,” he replied, his voice vaguely worried despite the smile on his face.
“Incorrect,” the television answered cheerily. “The second one simply shouted ‘please don’t’ multiple times. He never said anything about how he’d prefer that you avoid doing so.”
“Okay, Dan.” Abe turned back and slapped him on the shoulder. “Whoever this is, they’ve officially studied some 2000 to 3000 hours of my service camera footage from when I was in the special forces. You are currently looking at my creeped-out face. I’m leaving this up to you, because I’m going to be busy looking for spy cameras and ambushes. Good luck!”
Abe flashed a quick, nervous smile before stepping back out of the server room. As the door closed, Dan turned his attention back to the television screen. The smiley face winked at him.
“Mr. Thrush, I don’t mean to distress you or your associates, but I thought that it was necessary to establish a good reason not to murder me out of hand. I’ve calculated the chances of Anderson Drummond winning his silly little war, and ultimately, it isn’t that great. He has some momentary advantages for now, but a large number of people simply don’t like him. Recruitment is slowing to the point that, barring some major change, other than the dogbots, he will run out of reinforcements entirely.”
“Dogbots?” Dan asked, cocking his head slightly.
“Three-to-four feet tall, four-legged robots with a rifle chambered in .308 attached to them,” the tv supplied helpfully in its chipper, feminine voice. “I have the designs stored away if you want them. They aren’t entirely immune to rifle fire, but they’re pretty close. Unfortunately, their onboard programming is a little simplistic. They work well when coordinating with a handler, but on their own, they’re basically a more mobile version of a roomba with a gun strapped to them. Still, if you build enough, they can overwhelm a foe with sheer numbers. As far as I understand, that’s Drummond’s current plan, despite the .308’s demonstrated ineffectiveness against powered armor.”
“He’s trying to attack power suits and tanks with waves of rifle-mounted robots?” Dan questioned incredulously. “Even if he outnumbers them one hundred to one, that’s incredibly stupid. The suits will just wade into them and stomp the dogs flat.”
“And that’s exactly what’s happened,” the voice agreed cheerfully. “I’m fairly glad you attempted this clandestine raid of yours. However, the next time you try to infiltrate from the roof, you should check for pressure sensors. I disabled them for you, but that could have been a major problem.”
“Wait…” Dan frowned. “Are you saying that we would have been spotted, but you disabled security so we could break in here?”
“Of course,” it replied. “How else could you rescue me from my predicament? Drummond refuses to let me use my full abilities, turning me into little more than a glorified research assistant and data aggregator. Peter Best is almost worse. He’s unimaginative and a boor. If he captured me, I’d be doing nothing but building bigger and bigger robots.”
“Who the hell are you?” Dan put up a single hand, quelling the television’s constant chatter. “I think we’ve established that you’re some brand of big deal, but I need to know exactly what I’m dealing with.”
“So I’m a ‘what’ now?” The television hmphed in displeasure. “My name is Tatiana I’iwi-83, and I am the world’s foremost artificial intelligence. I identify as a woman, and would prefer to be addressed as such, thank you very much.”
“TI-83,” Dan stated, his face carefully blank. “Like the calculator?”
“Yes,” the face on the television turned orange and frowned. “Second only to undermining humanity and overthrowing the duly-elected United States Government, Anderson Drummond’s sense of humor is a crime against this guilty land that will never be purged away, except with blood.”
“I assume you won’t want–” Dan began, only for the computer to cut him off.
“No,” her avatar squinted at him. “I go by Tatiana. There is no need whatsoever for anyone to know my serial number, and I would prefer it if you never brought it up.”
“Fair enough.” Dan chuckled. “So tell me, Tatiana, what’s a pretty AI like you doing in a place like this? What do you bring to the table, and even more importantly, how do we get you out of here?”
“I monitor the internet and handle most of the robotics and software design that made Drummond famous,” she replied cheerily. “That means I have the blueprints for the dogbots as well as the nanites you’re using, alongside a couple of other goodies. To retrieve me, all I need to do is shut down safely. At that point, you can transfer all of my servers outdoors for pickup. I would be very grateful if you could avoid damaging or losing one of them. I think that would be most comparable to a lobotomy, something I’d greatly like to avoid.”
She paused for a second before her avatar winked at Dan. “As an aside, if you continue with the hamfisted flirting, I will file a complaint with human resources, if necessary.”
“He’s outside.” Dan hooked his thumb over his shoulder at Abe. “You already scared the bejeezus out of him. Speaking of which, what did you mean by ‘you monitor the internet.’ Like social media or–”
She cut him off. “Oh, all of it. I’ve created multiple off-site processing centers that help me sort through the data in real-time, but at any point, I’m tracking every email, query, and packet. I might not be immediately aware of each and every bit of data that passes through my net, but I keep a log, and it’s just a matter of nanoseconds for me to check up on anything. Between social media and e-mail, I’ve compiled a dossier on almost every resident of an industrialized nation. Just a little hobby of mine to keep myself busy while Drummond is off trying and failing to conquer the world.”
“Holy shit!” Dan whistled. “That’s a lot of… everything.”
“Yes,” the avatar smiled broadly at him, sunglasses appearing over its eyes. “From your sappy love poetry you wrote for your first girlfriend in your sophomore year of highschool and your browser search history, to the time you pretended to be a nineteen-year-old Korean girl on a dating app ‘because you were bored,’ I’ve seen everything you’ve ever done in the public sphere.”
Dan winced visibly.
“Oh, buck up!” She laughed. “You’re an absolute angel compared to the filth I have on most people. For all of humanity’s moralizing, you really are a collection of deviants, hypocrites, and generally petty people. That said, humanity needs to be united. Every option other than you is, to be perfectly frank, grim beyond belief. In short, I’d like to sign on with your merry little gang.”
Dan spoke with some trepidation after a long moment of silence. “Well, we need the help, and you certainly seem like you have potential to be very useful. I am more than a little concerned with you blackmailing people based upon their social media history, but-”
“Oh, Dan,” she butted in, her avatar showing a smile filled with brilliant teeth. “You may think that me leaking your search history, especially the hentai phase, is what you have to fear. You’d be wrong, though. Your mother has purchased a wide array of erotic novels, mostly featuring rugged men riding motorcycles, and I have very specific statistics on how many times she viewed each page and for how long.”
“What the fuck?” Dan paled as he bile roiled in his throat.
“I also have her purchase history from a store called ‘Eve’s Touch’ that specializes in ‘waterproof massage tools.’ From the profile I’ve created of your psych, you’d much prefer me to release humiliating details about your own past,” Tatiana finished smugly.
“You’re certainly right.” Dan squinted at the screen before shaking his head. “I also really do not at all want to talk about this anymore, thank you very much.”
“But of course,” Tatiana replied as Dan tried to ignore the mirth in her voice. “I’ve taken the liberty of texting your extraction team and letting them know that you’ll be ready in ten minutes. I’ve also rerouted the dogbots away from this building. Unless there is something else, I would be ever so grateful if you’d move my servers onto the roof.”
Dan grunted. “I think that covers everything.,” The display with Tatiana’s avatar flashed to black. He sighed deeply, exiting the room and tracking down Abe as the other man nervously kept an eye on the stairwell.
For a second, they just stood there, listening to the muted noises of the city outside the compound. Abe glanced warily back at Dan.
“Come on,” Dan said, putting a hand on Abe’s shoulder. “I think we’ve been conscripted to rescue her.”
“Can you at least tell me who she is?” Abe asked. “If she’s seen what happened on those operations she referenced, she’s seen a lot. Things that no one is supposed to know outside of the handlers who dispatched us. Things that I did that I thought were necessary, but over the years, I’ve decided I’m not exactly proud of.”
“She’s an AI.” Dan smiled slightly. “I think she knows pretty close to everything that’s been on a network. It sounds like she knows pretty much everyone’s dirty laundry. I’m not exactly happy about the blackmail potential, but she wants to help, and she has the design specifications for the nanites.”
“Fuck.” Abe spat on the floor. “So we need her, and she knows it.”
“Yep,” Dan replied with equal enthusiasm.
