Things are…confusing, to say the least.
When everything with Annika and Creighton went down, I hadn’t thought I would witness this side of Jeremy.
It’s even different from before we had that rift.
He doesn’t feel distant, like he’s putting a wall between us and refusing to divulge anything about himself. In fact, in the last five days we’ve spent together, I’ve learned so much more about him than I did during all the months before that.
One, he’s responsible to a fault about the people he considers to be under his wing. That includes his family, Nikolai, Killian, Gareth, Ilya, and even the guards.
Oh, and me. He definitely treats me like I belong on that list.
Two. He’s protective despite the cold aloofness and is ready to unleash the beast side of him whenever he senses a spark of danger.
Three, and most importantly, he’s an emotional vault. In the beginning, I thought he lacked feelings, and he does to an extent, but when I dug deeper and he allowed me to get closer, I found out that he just keeps them hidden well. He’s also highly selective about which emotions to let slip from his armor.
The fact remains, Jeremy does see the world in black and white, which is why he barely trusts anyone, but when he does, it’s for life.
That’s the other thing about Jeremy. He truly has high regard for loyalty, which is why he got extremely mad when he thought I’d let Annika down.
And that’s the link that’s confusing me in this whole story. We still haven’t resolved what happened with Annika, yet every night, he picks me up from the shelter, the dorm, or the library, not caring that anyone can see him. He brings me to the cottage, where we cook, eat, and study together.
He fucks me, sometimes by chasing, other times by just taking me on the bed or the sofa in regular positions.
For some reason, I thought I’d never like that, that I was too defective to ever feel pleasure without some sort of thrill or feeling forced into it. Jeremy has taught me that I can enjoy ordinary sex.
Calling it ordinary is a bit of a stretch, though. He’s still rough, intense, and uses the knife sometimes. Not that I’m complaining.
Jeremy has awakened parts of me that were dormant before he came along. Parts that buzz to life around him, waiting for the moment he’ll touch me again.
Whether it’s chasing me or laying me down and fucking me doesn’t matter. I pant for more after every time.
I’m powerful despite handing over my power. He doesn’t abuse it and makes me feel safe in his arms.
I’ve come to the realization that I feel this way because it’s Jeremy. If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have this level of desire and peaceful acceptance of my sexuality.
Every night, he cleans me or showers with me. He asks me about my day, and not in the small talk kind of way where people ask and then zone out.
Jeremy actually listens intently to everything I say. He makes me feel important and wanted, like I have someone to fall back on.
I still need to be careful about slandering anyone in front of him or mentioning even the slightest annoyance, because the other day, I told him that a colleague scratched my car unintentionally, and the following day, that colleague’s car paint was found wholly ruined.
When I asked Jeremy if he did it, he shrugged. “It must’ve happened unintentionally.”
I’m struggling to come to terms with that part of him, even though I know it would probably be impossible to stop him from being himself.
The parts that make up for it, though, are when he built me shelves in the cottage and continued to stuff them with mangas. Or when he listens to me talking nonstop about them without being bothered. Unless I actually call a character hot or cute, then he definitely starts questioning if maybe he should get rid of them.
Jealous of a fictional character, check.
At night, he covers me and only allows me to sleep either in the cocoon of his body or on his lap.
Like right now.
I stare up at him, at the hard ridges of his face, the slickness of his abs, and the ink that flexes with his muscles while he types on his phone. His other hand lies nonchalantly on my chest, nearly covering it all.
It’s past three in the morning. Even though I slept a few hours ago, I couldn’t help waking up again.
This time, it’s not because of sleep paralysis. In fact, I haven’t had any in the past few days.
I couldn’t sleep properly because of two things that have been bugging me. I think I just confirmed the most minor one.
“Do you not sleep?” I ask in a low voice.
Jeremy pulls the phone away from his face, throws it on the sofa, and lets his fingers get lost in my hair. The act has become so natural that I can’t help closing my eyes briefly in response to his touch.
“I do. Just not often and not too much.”
“Why not?”
“In my early teens, I avoided sleep because it brought nightmares of the less glamorous version of Mom, and it’s become a habit since then.”
I wrap my hand around the one on my chest, gently stroking the skin and the veins at the back. “I understand. I also preferred not to sleep when the sleep paralysis got to be too much. Whenever night fell, and the world was sleeping, the idea of closing my eyes and being assaulted by a replay of what happened brought me to tears. It terrified me.”
His fingers pause in my hair before resuming their rhythm. It’s a fraction of a second, but I feel the change and deduce his line of thinking.
“Jeremy, no.”
He raises a brow. “I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to. I can see it in your eyes that you plan to torture Jonah some more in prison, maybe take it to the next level and kill him.”
“He doesn’t deserve death yet, and he won’t for the following, say, thirty years. He’ll wish for it, though, countless times a day.”
I wince, and he notices, because his eyes narrow. “Do you have an objection?”
“I just…find all of this hard to get used to. You already got all my and the other girls’ photos from Jonah and burned them. He’s already been locked up for his crimes. He’s lost his reputation and freedom. Shouldn’t that suffice?”
“No. He’ll have to lose his dignity and his mind, and even that won’t be enough payment for how he made you suffer. He stripped away your power, so I’m confiscating his in return. He’ll be trapped in that prison for eternity without being able to fight his way out. Just like he made you feel trapped in your own body.”
The dark contrast of his revenge chills me, and my lips quiver when I speak. “Not sure if I should be touched or scared.”
“Probably both.”
I smile. “You should’ve said touched.”
His fingers thread with mine, splaying out on my chest so that he’s feeling my heartbeat. “I’m not a nice man, Cecily. I won’t pretend otherwise, or I’d be doing you and myself a disservice. What I am, however, is someone who’ll slaughter your demons one by one until you’re finally free of them. I’ll touch your scars until you normalize them and can live with them, because they’re what makes you who you are.”
Holy…
I’m surprised my heart doesn’t spill out onto the ground, crawl at his feet, and vanish right in front of those ethereal eyes.
No one has ever told me this, and the fact that it’s coming from a harsh man like Jeremy makes it tenfold worse for my health.
“I thought you hated me,” I murmur in a vulnerable voice that I loathe to the core.
Why is he able to tug, shove, and break my heartstrings with mere words?
Jeremy draws circles in my hair, soothing, gentle circles that trigger a map of shivers on my skin. It’s even more intense when he’s staring down at me with a dark look. “You hated me, too.”
“You gave me no choice.”
“Hate is a feeling. In fact, it’s probably the strongest of them all. The first time we met in that club, something had your panties in a twist.”
I narrow my eyes. “You were an overbearing, controlling prick, and I despised you to the core. You were at the top of my very short ‘I want to poke their eyes out’ list, knocking Remi from his spot.”
“Do you despise Remi?”
“Of course not, but he can be a provocative twat sometimes.” I sigh. “He’s the funniest ever, though, so he gets a pass.”
“Funniest ever,” he repeats with an edge to his voice, his movements losing their natural flow. “Is that an exaggeration?”
“If I say no, will you get any ideas about cutting off his tongue?” I make a face, and he narrows his eyes.
“Is it a no?”
“Jeremy!” I laugh. “Seriously, tone it down. Remi and I were basically raised together, and he’s like my brother.”
“You have an awful lot of non-biologically related brothers. Your heart is so big to fit all of these people.”
“Was that sarcasm?”
He glares.
“I’ll take that as a no. And really, we’ve been friends since we were, like, in nappies. Remi, Bran, and Creigh will always be brothers to me.”
“You skipped one on the list. Landon. Why isn’t he a brother, hmm?”
That chilling tone would’ve made me piss myself if this moment had happened some time ago, but now, I can handle Jeremy’s dark side. At least, I’m learning to.
“I actually skipped two. Eli and Landon. It’s hard to consider them brothers when they’re antisocial and lack humanity.”
“And yet, you fell for him.”
“Who? Eli?” I ask coyly, and he tightens his grip on my fingers until I wince.
“Don’t fuck with me, Cecily. Do I have to deal with Eli King, too?”
“No, no. Jeez no,” I blurt. It’s inconvenient enough that he thinks he should deal with Lan in the first place. Add Eli, and we’d have a disaster on our hands.
“You didn’t answer my question. How come someone as reserved, careful, and methodical as you fell for Landon, knowing full well he’s antisocial and lacks humanity?”
I stare at the fire crackling opposite us. It’s dwindled, almost dying down. “I fell for the idea of him, not his true self. I doubt anyone has actually seen what his true nature is like. I realize that now that I know…” what falling for someone is like.
What the hell? I almost said that out loud.
I nearly divulged my deepest, darkest secret and allowed him to hurt me again, stomp on my barely beating heart, and leaving me stranded.
The last time still makes my eyes burn with tears whenever I think about it.
My gaze strays back to Jeremy, who’s never looked away from me. He’s watching me with a ferociousness that could disintegrate a fortress.
In this moment of careful peace, it hits me. I fell for Jeremy the exact opposite way I fell for Lan.
I liked the image Lan projected but was repulsed by his true anarchist, empty self.
I hated Jeremy at first sight. His otherworldly physique and handsome looks were a mere camouflage of a monster, but the more I got to know him, the harder I fell for the hidden parts of him.
Parts that he strategically hides from the world but voluntarily showed me.
“Now that you know what?” he asks when I remain silent.
“That he’s an empty shell,” I blurt. “He doesn’t matter right now. I don’t think he ever did.”
It’s subtle, almost too hidden to be noticed, but a slight twitch lifts Jeremy’s lips. “We finally agree on something.”
I smile, feeling lighthearted and a bit sleepy, too, but I grab his hand tighter and ask, “Hey, Jeremy?”
“Yes?”
“Are you aware of the rumors going around about you?”
His lips curve. “Which ones?”
“So you are aware.”
“More or less.”
“Are they true?”
“If you’re asking whether I’ve killed, tortured and driven people to the brink of death, then the answer is yes to all. I don’t do it for fun or to satisfy any sort of bloodlust, and usually I have people who do the job for me, but I won’t shy away from getting my hands dirty if need be.”
I go still as the dooming reality of his nature slams into me. Suspecting it is one thing but having the proof right here is entirely different.
“Are you scared of me?” His question stabs the careful silence.
“Not you. Your world,” I say after a while. “But I’ll try to understand, even though it will likely take me a long time.”
“Why would you do that?”
Because I care about you and I’d rather understand than let you go.
Instead of saying that, I smile. “I like being open-minded. Also, Jeremy?”
“Hmm?”
“Why aren’t you torturing me to reveal where Creighton has taken Annika? Isn’t that why you came to the shelter in the first place?”
“You said he wouldn’t hurt her, and while I’m skeptical, I choose to believe you. I don’t want to put you in a position where you must betray your friend’s trust, even if he’s a motherfucker. Besides, my father is working on it. If I don’t have to involve you, I won’t.”
A shiver snakes down my spine and leaves me trembling. How can he say things like that without any consideration to my slowly melting heart?
“Is…your mum okay?” I ask.
He shakes his head once. “The whole thing with Annika hit her hard. She’s always shared a deep connection with her, and now, she thinks she’s losing her for good… Hey, what’s wrong?”
It’s then I realize I’m shaking. I can’t do this. I can’t just keep shielding Creigh while knowing many people are suffering, including Annika, who I’m sure wouldn’t like being locked away from the outside world.
But I can’t have Jeremy hurt him either.
“If…” I trail off and clear the ball clogging my throat. “If I tell you where they are, will you promise not to hurt Creigh?”
A muscle works in his strong jaw. “He kidnapped my sister.”
“He loves her, Jeremy. I know you don’t want to believe it, but I’ve never seen Creighton attached to anyone the way he is to Anni. And no matter how much you deny it, you’re well aware that she loves him, too.”
His jaw clenches.
I get up and carefully wrap my arms around his neck, expecting him to push me away. Jeremy might let me hold on to him during sex, but he goes rigid whenever I touch him intimately outside of it.
It’s like he can’t get used to the emotions pouring out of him.
However, this time, not only does he let me, but he also doesn’t show any signs of discomfort. Maybe he’s getting used to me as much I’m getting used to him.
“Please, Jeremy.” I stroke the hairs at his nape, knowing how much he likes that. “Do this for your parents and yourself. I’m sure you miss Anni, right?”
A grunt is all he offers.
“Do you promise you won’t hurt him?”
One second.
Two.
Three…
“Fine. I promise.”
I squeal and kiss him on the cheek. It’s so natural that both of us pause afterward.
“Thank you,” I whisper awkwardly.
“Don’t thank me yet. If he hurt my sister, I’ll chop his head off.”
I’m sure Creigh wouldn’t.
The fact remains, Jeremy’s inclination for violence is something I’ll need to eventually get used to.
He’s a beast, but he’s the beast who breathes life into me.
He’s the beast who’d slaughter the world to pieces just to protect me from it.
He’s my beast.
I just have no idea what I am to him.
