Ican’t stop crying.
Every time I try to, my heart squeezes, and my eyes fill with tears until I think I have none left.
But I do.
I’ve been roaming the streets aimlessly for a few hours. My feet hurt, my muscles scream, but I don’t stop. If I do, then I’ll think of what happened tonight.
Of the pain that’s breaking my heart real slow, wreaking havoc from the inside out.
I don’t want to think about the cause of that pain. How Jeremy looked at me or the words he said to me.
Most importantly, I don’t want to think about how he seemed like he was going to kill me.
I’m the foolish one for laying my heart on the ground for him just so he could stomp all over it and leave me as this empty shell.
My feet come to a halt in front of the shelter. It’s closed, and no one is here besides the security inside.
Unable to walk anymore, I lower myself to the front step, wrap my arms around myself for some comfort, and lay my head against the cold wall.
I should probably call an Uber to take me back to the dorm, but I don’t want Ava and the others to see me like this. Hell, I don’t want to see me like this—broken, stupid, and desperate for someone who will never trust me.
For someone who hurt me so badly, I can’t find the pieces he broke.
I fetch my phone and stare at it through my blurry vision, but the battery dies and it goes black.
With a groan, I hold my head between my hands. I have a headache that’s been made worse by the throbbing emotional pain from tonight.
Jeremy and I were doing so well. After the few days we spent with my parents, I was sure he was it for me, that no one else would be able to stimulate my mind, body, and soul the way he does.
People repress their animalistic needs, but Jeremy nurtured them in me. He encouraged me to go after what I want, to ask for it, and fall deeper into it.
While he seemed refined, cold, and composed on the outside, a beast lurked inside him that called out to the animalistic part of me. Yes, he can be overbearing sometimes, but he was everything I didn’t think I wanted in a man.
He was the person whose company I found peace in after a long day.
Until earlier.
Until he showed me just how mercilessly he could hurt me.
Maybe if I hadn’t gone out to talk to Landon, none of this would’ve happened. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have, but Lan said he would barge in and ruin our party and I thought meeting him outside would be better than letting him clash with Jeremy, Killian, and even Bran.
I thought wrong.
But then again, it was only a matter of time before Jeremy let that part of himself loose. Whether it happens now or a few weeks from now doesn’t matter.
All I can do is think about where to go from here. The way he asked me to run, how he told me not to let him catch me was no different than ending our relationship.
It wasn’t enough that he hurt me, but now, he’s done with me, too.
And why do I sound pathetic in my own head?
Jeremy never promised me anything beyond the physical. I just imagined things myself, and now, I’m paying the price for it.
A shadow falls over me, and the heart I thought was burned beyond repair resurrects from the ashes with the glory of a phoenix.
I knew Jeremy would catch me. He always does.
The moment I lift my head, the hope that bloomed in my chest withers and dies.
It’s not Jeremy who stares down at me. It’s not even his pseudo-stalker Ilya.
The one in front of me, in his pristine trousers, button-down, and designer shoes, is none other than Zayn. My colleague from school and another volunteer at the shelter.
“Cecily?” He raises a brow. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, I just needed to rest.” I manage an awkward smile. “What about you?”
“I’m on night duty. Want to come inside instead of staying out in the cold?”
“Sure.”
Being inside the shelter is better than going back to the dorm and actually talking about this. Besides, knowing Ava, she probably convinced the others to stay up late drinking.
I’m worried about her deteriorating state. Now that Glyn and Anni spend most their nights with their boyfriends, no one keeps an eye on her.
Not that I’ve been any better, but maybe I’ll go back to keeping her out of trouble.
Zayn opens the door with his key and I follow him in.
“I’ll be right back,” I tell him, then go to the bathroom to freshen up, where I end up crying for ten minutes before I wash my face.
I’m such a mess.
If I call Papa or Mum right now, they’ll be worried to death, so even though I want to, I don’t.
After finishing my business, I step out and stop when I find Zayn waiting for me and holding a bottle of water.
“I thought you might need something to drink, so I got you this from the vending machine.”
“Thanks.” I take it from his hand and pause when I turn the lid and find that it’s not sealed.
This is the second time this has happened. The first was back at that hotel.
I’m a bit out of sorts, but not enough to ignore the red flags the second time around. Yes, I’m probably overthinking it, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
It takes some effort to plaster a smile on my face. “I’m going to call an Uber. Thanks for this.”
“You should drink.” His voice drops and has an uncomfortable edge. “You look dehydrated.”
My fingers tighten around the bottle, but I try my hardest not to let it show on my face. “Will do. Night.”
I brush past him and quicken my steps toward the exit. Maybe I can get to the security guard up front.
Now that I think about it, I didn’t see him earlier. Does that mean he left his post? Is this intentional?
The bottle of water burns in my hand, but I don’t dare throw it away in case he’s watching. Please tell me he’s gone.
“Hey, Cecily.”
My spine jerks upright at the tone of his voice. It’s like that night. Like Jonah’s.
Was it only Jonah?
I don’t think about it as I run. I don’t care if I’m being paranoid or if everything seems surreal. Everything will be okay as long as I get out of here.
A giant mass slams into me from behind, and I crash to the floor with a shriek. I kick and fight, my head turning with the force of the impact.
“Stupid little bitch.” Zayn sits on my back, nearly breaking it.
He looks like a demon right now, and his features have morphed into fluid lines reeking of evil.
I try to push at him, to turn, but it’s impossible with him sitting on me as if I’m a chair. He reaches for the water bottle that rolled across the floor due to the impact and opens it.
“You should’ve drunk when I asked you nicely.”
My pulse roars in my ears, but I force myself to calm down and speak as neutrally as possible. “What…what are you doing, Zayn?”
“Aren’t you so smart? Don’t act dumb when you know exactly what I’m doing.” He grabs my face, closes my nose, and the moment I gasp through my mouth, he pours the water into it.
I splutter and choke, but he keeps pouring and pouring, until I swallow half of it, and the other half drenches my face and neck
My hand falls to the floor, unable to move no matter how much I try to lift it.
Every molecule in my body grows lethargic. My limbs go slack, and my breathing slows to a frightening rhythm. As if I’m falling asleep.
But I’m not.
This is way worse.
The body of a demon mounts me like in my sleep paralysis, and I groan, tears gathering in my eyes.
I scream, but no sound comes out.
I thrash, but my arms and legs don’t move.
No.
No…
“Shh.” He strokes my cheek. “Be good, Cecily, and I won’t hurt you. Much. Don’t you hate how we have unfinished business? Jonah should’ve stayed and done what we agreed on that day, but he was repulsed by some vomit and let you go. I would’ve gone through with the plan, but somehow, you got out of the room first and were seen by a few people, so I was a gentleman and even stopped a taxi for you in front of the hotel.”
That was him?
His hand is hot and heavy as he slides the strap of my dress off my shoulder. Or maybe I’m the one who’s hot and drowsy.
“Jonah should’ve left you to me once he was finished. That’s what we always did. He was the charmer, and I was the one with the plans to trap the girls. Most of the time, they didn’t even remember what had happened to them come morning. Like magic, it’d be poof, gone,” he muses, stroking his hand over my shoulder. “But you, Cecily, are the only one who got away. Left a sour fucking taste in my mouth. So I stayed close, waiting for a chance to have you properly this time. But you became too careful and even got yourself a stalker who’s been hindering my plans. See, I’m a perfectionist. I couldn’t just rush and do a sloppy job. I waited and waited, and waited, until I could finally have you without his interference. Aren’t I a good sport? I’m better than Jonah, too. That fool doesn’t know how to plan, and he got locked up for it. Me? You’ll probably forget about me in the morning. Except for, well, the pain. I suppose that’ll be there to stay.”
Unintelligible sounds leave my lips as I try to move, fight, lift my head, hand, leg—anything. It’s like my body has given up on me.
But I haven’t.
I might not have full access to my brain, but I know if I don’t try to stop this, if I don’t at least attempt to, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
“Shh. Don’t bother. I put in more drugs than usual. Special treatment for a special girl.” He pulls the other strap down. “Let’s see if your cunt is special. Actually, since you’re facedown, I’ll start with your arse.”
Tears cascade down my cheeks, hot and heavy. I might not be able to move, but I feel every touch of his hand over my back. I feel the repulsion mounting in my throat, threatening to explode in my mouth.
I’m going to throw up.
I’m going to—
Hot liquid spills on my back, and the sounds of gurgles echo in the air. At first, I think they’re mine. I think I’m choking on my spit or vomit, but then the weight disappears from my back.
It falls to the floor in front of me with a thud. I catch a glimpse of a convulsing body, a pool of blood beneath him, and those god-awful haunting gurgles keep filling my ears.
A large shadow blocks the view and then I’m turned and fully cocooned against the familiar warmth. The warmth I thought I would never feel again.
The scent of his cologne envelops me like a second hug—leather, pine, and warmth.
“Cecily…fuck. Cecily! Can you hear me?”
A broken moan leaves my throat the moment I see his face, all hard, dark, and murderous. I try to open my lips to say something, but they won’t move.
And neither do my hands or limbs.
I’m still paralyzed, at someone else’s mercy, but I don’t feel threatened.
If anything, I’m finally safe.
I’ve never felt as safe in my life as I do in these arms.
Slowly, too slowly, I close my eyes, letting a tear escape down the side of my face.
Safe.
“Cecily!”
Safe.
I. Am. Safe.
I wake up in the hospital a day later.
Lethargic. Tired. Sad.
I cry when I open my eyes and Mum hugs me, then Papa, then Ava.
But I don’t stop crying. There’s this ache in my chest that won’t go away no matter how much I cry. As if I’m back to when I was roaming the streets before I found myself at that shelter.
Everyone fawns over me, including Remi, who says he won’t annoy me for a month and that if I dare getting hurt again, he’ll kick my arse.
The girls, Ava, Glyn, and Anni, remain by my side the most, bringing snacks behind the nurse’s back and staying around so we can watch films together.
This time I made a report to the police, both for the recent incident and two years ago. It was hard, and the more I talked about the events, the more nauseated I got, but I had my parents’ and friends’ support. Papa let me cry against his chest the first night, told me he was sorry he didn’t know and that he’d make sure Jonah pays.
Zayn, too, when they catch him.
But they won’t.
I might have been drugged, but I know what that gurgling sound I heard meant and that the liquid that covered my back was blood.
Jeremy killed him. No doubt about it. He sliced his throat open, left him spasming on the floor and then took me to the hospital.
Ilya or one of his guards probably took care of the corpse and the cleaning, because Annika told me they found nothing in the shelter, and the surveillance camera footage was erased.
Despite knowing that Jeremy is the type of unhinged to send people to the A&E and prison, I thought I would feel disgusted that he killed someone.
I’m not.
Not in the slightest.
Zayn was a serial rapist, even worse than Jonah, and he hurt so many other girls aside from me—girls who probably have it harder than me because they don’t remember. I can’t imagine the pain they went through if they woke up and found out they’d been raped.
People like him don’t deserve human rights or the regulated justice system. They deserve brutal execution that only someone like Jeremy would deliver.
I’ve spent three days in the hospital. They’re keeping me under surveillance in case of a concussion since my head hit the floor, and I’ll probably leave tomorrow.
Jeremy hasn’t come to my room at all during these three days.
Ilya did once. I asked him how Jeremy knew I was at the shelter, and he bluntly said that they have a tracker on my phone and that was the last location it sent them before it was turned off.
I wasn’t even surprised. There were often instances in the past when Jeremy found me without having to call me.
When I keep staring at the door, Annika says Jeremy’s always outside. Not once has he come into my room, and I doubt that has to do with the fact that Papa is constantly by my side.
At times, I think it’s a good thing that he’s not here. At least this way, I can gather my thoughts and process the pain. Other times, I’m angry at him for not wanting to see me.
And I’ve had enough of this stupid in-between.
So tonight, after Ava and Mum fall asleep beside me, I sneak out of the room and quietly close the door behind me.
“What are you doing out here? Go back inside.”
My spine jerks at the very familiar rough voice, and I carefully turn around to be crushed by Jeremy’s handsome looks.
He’s wearing jeans and a black T-shirt that tightens around his muscular biceps. His hair is a mess, and his face looks tired, but his gray eyes are as dark and intense as ever.
He’s really right by the door, where Papa totally sees him whenever he goes in and out of my room.
And that pisses me off even more.
I cross my arms over my chest. “If you’re here, why haven’t you visited?”
A purse of his lips, a tightening of his jaw, a stroke of his finger against his thigh. “I thought you might need some time.”
“Some time for what? Oh, right, you let me go, didn’t you? You told me to run and never come back. Right before I was assaulted.”
He takes a step toward me, and I can feel my insides crumbling and smashing on the ground. “Cecily…”
I hold up a hand. “Don’t come any closer.”
Jeremy stops dead in his tracks, his hand balling into a fist by his side before he forces it open. The hall’s silence beats between us like another being for several long seconds, nearly suffocating us.
I mean to organize my thoughts before I say them, but everything is so raw that it’s impossible to make sense of the chaos. So I let it all out. Emotions, desperation, and pain.
Everything.
“Do you have any idea how much you hurt me that night? How much you stomped all over my feelings as if they meant nothing?”
“I—”
“No, don’t talk. Right now, you’ll listen. I told you time and again that I’m over my crush on Landon. In fact, I remember saying that I realized it wasn’t even a crush in the first place and that he didn’t matter.”
“You called his name,” he says in a clipped tone.
“What?”
“That first night I fucked you on the deck, you called me by his name.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“I know what I fucking heard, Cecily.”
“And I know what I was fucking thinking!” I take a few breaths, then speak in a more composed tone. “I was going to say that he didn’t matter at that moment. In fact, that’s when I realized my crush on him was shallow. I never chose him over you, Jeremy. And except for that foolish mistake at the initiation, I never helped him. You can choose to believe me or not, but I’ve regretted spying for him every day since. I thought we were at a point in our relationship where we didn’t keep secrets from each other, which is why I told you about that incident when I could’ve chosen not to. I wanted to start with a clean slate with you, tell you everything, and do whatever it would take to gain your trust. I was wrong. While I didn’t expect you to forgive me immediately, I didn’t expect you to disrespect me and ridicule my feelings.”
He slowly closes his eyes, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was in pain. But that’s only me projecting my feelings and principles onto an unfeeling man.
I’m crying again, tears streaming down my cheeks and blurring my vision until he becomes distorted lines and shadows.
When he opens his eyes again, they’re clearer and almost remorseful. “I’m sorry. I was in pain thinking you’d never choose me, and I took it out on you.”
“If you trusted me even a little, you’d know I’d never do that to you. But you chose to stomp on my feelings, on the confession it took me so much courage to make. I told you I loved you, but you chose your anger and trust issues over me.”
“Fuck, Lisichka. I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you.” He grabs my hand in his.
The skin where his fingers spread burns and it takes everything in me to ignore the effect his physical touch has on me.
“You nearly killed me in that alley.”
“I would never do that. I’d hurt myself before hurting you.”
“You already did, Jeremy! Maybe not physically, but you pierced my heart open with your rejection. And I can’t do this anymore. I can’t forgive you when I’m scared of what you’ll do to my feelings at the slightest hint of trouble or if you see Lan near me again. You know, when I was lying on the floor, feeling the nightmare restart all over again, my heart was heavy with the pain you inflicted. I can’t live in fear for the rest of my life, Jeremy. I just can’t.”
His face hardens with each of my words as if he can feel them instead of hearing them. “If you’re suggesting I let you go, I won’t.”
“You’ll have to, or I will hate you.” I pull my hands from his. “Smoke.”
His eyes taper and deep pain covers his features. “Cecily…”
“Goodbye, Jeremy.”
And then I slip back inside with fresh tears in my eyes and resolve tightening my heart.
I won’t allow anyone to hurt me again.
Not even the man I’m sure is the love of my life.
