Fifty-three days.
It was March, and the last time Ethan had climbed these stairs had been fifty-three days ago. He glared at the flickering second-floor light for old time’s sake and continued slowly to the third floor, step by step.
The walk was surreally familiar—the alarming creak of the second-last step, the dent in the pipe running up to the roof. The thud of the door behind him as he exited the stairwell. The ten steps or so to his front door on the old, stained carpet.
No, Michael’s door. This would never be Ethan’s home again. And along with the bittersweet pang of all he’d lost was the rush of relief and anticipation. He’d been dreading this moment ever since he’d landed back in New York and put his plan into motion.
Time to close this book.
It felt odd to knock, but he did, although the jagged metal of the key dug into his other palm. The door opened, and there was Michael in his customary black pants and shirt, staring back at Ethan with a strained smile.
“Hey,” Michael said. “Um…” He stepped back. “Come in.”
Part of Ethan wanted to refuse and tell him to just stack the boxes in the hall, but no. He could do this. He needed to do this. When he walked in, he almost automatically unzipped his spring jacket and hung it on one of the hooks. Keeping it on, he stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets.
Todd appeared at the end of the little entryway, wearing the classic Asteroids T-shirt Ethan had bought him for his birthday a few years ago. He smiled nervously. “Hey, Eth. So good to see you, man.”
And fuck, it was good to see him. And Michael. They’d been everything to Ethan for so long, and for a horrible moment he was afraid he’d burst into humiliating tears.
He didn’t.
Head high, he nodded to Todd. “Hey. Thanks for coming.”
“Of course. We really want to talk to you.” He backed up, and they shuffled into the living room.
Through the open bedroom door, Ethan could glimpse the bed. He let himself remember the sight of Todd on top of Michael, taking his cock. He let himself remember the betrayal, experiencing the emotions—hurt, fury, shame, despair—and coming out the other side.
Acceptance.
No, Ethan was not going to cry, and he wasn’t going to shout. It was over, and his life would be better for it. So. Much. Better. He smiled to himself as he thought of Clay finishing his last East Coast tour, and the picture he’d texted at the beginning of the week from the amazingly pink sunrise at Mission Beach.
Only thing it’s missing is you.
“Um, Eth?”
Blinking back to the present, Ethan watched as Michael and Todd exchanged leery glances. They were probably afraid he was about to completely lose it, what with the smiling.
“Yeah.” He glanced around at his former home—all cool shades and fashionably sharp edges. Moving boxes were stacked by one wall. Not many, probably ten, neatly labeled in Michael’s script, since he knew how much Ethan liked organization.
Bathroom stuff
Books
Misc.
Mementos
Clothes
Most were clothes, presumably the contents of his dresser drawers. A few bulging garment bags hung from the top of the bookcase.
“Uncle Chuck’s downstairs with his van,” Ethan said.
“Okay,” Michael replied. “We can help bring it all down.” He shifted from foot to foot, a habit when he was nervous. He said something else Ethan missed, but it didn’t matter.
“Just put it in the hall. We can do it.”
Todd blurted, “Eth, please talk to us. We know we fucked up big time, but—”
“I am going to talk. And you’re both going to listen.” He waited a few beats as they glanced at each other. “I’ll never forgive you for lying to me like that. And for so long. I might have been able to forgive you two falling in love, but not this.” He zeroed his gaze on Michael. “Not fucking in our bed the day before our wedding.”
Michael exhaled a shaky breath, his eyes on his feet. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Ethan looked at Todd. “You were my best friend.”
Swallowing hard, Todd managed to keep Ethan’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I—”
“It doesn’t matter. The truth is, Michael and I should have broken up years ago. It’s over, and it has been for a long time when it comes down to it. We were young. We made bad choices. All of us. I chose to move here with you guys, and when I hated it, I chose to stay. And now I’m leaving.”
They stood a little straighter, sharing another glance. Michael asked, “Where are you going?”
“Australia. I’m transferring to the firm’s Sydney office. I already did international work, and it’s in demand and specialized. They didn’t want to lose me, so they’re sponsoring my work permit.”
Michael gaped. “Are you serious? You’re moving to the other side of the world? For how long?”
“Who knows. Maybe forever. I guess I should thank you for being lying cheaters. Going on the honeymoon alone was the best thing that ever happened to me. I met my own version of Crocodile Dundee. We’re going to make a go of it and see what happens.”
“Mumble mumble.” Michael was speaking far too quickly, his hands slicing through the air in agitation.
“Wait, who is this guy?” Todd asked, frowning.
“None of your business,” Ethan replied calmly. “This relationship, this friendship?” He motioned between himself and them. “It’s over. For good. I’m deleting my social media accounts. I’m going to Australia and I’m starting fresh. New me, new Instagram.”
“But wait,” Michael implored. “I still love you, baby.” He reached out. “Don’t you love me at all anymore?”
Ethan’s throat tightened, and years of memories unspooled in a rush through his mind, too blurry to focus on, more the sensations of warmth and affection and passion and laughter that had faded too long ago. “The last few years, we were going through the motions. You were lying to me, and I was depressed, and then when I came out of it, I was pretending that everything could still work. That getting married would fix it all.” Tears burned his eyes, but he fought them back. “I loved you both, and part of me always will. But this is goodbye.”
Todd shook his head. “Come on, man. Don’t uproot your whole life for some dude in Australia you barely know. There has to be a way for us to work through this. To at least be friends again. I know it’ll take time, but—”
Ethan turned and strode calmly to the hanging garment bags, piling them over one arm. They were heavy, but he didn’t let it show. He glanced over his shoulder for a last look at the two people he’d loved most in the whole world watching him in silent dismay.
“I hope you and whoever else are happy together. Because I’m going to be.” He thought of Clay and smiled. “I’m going to be happy as hell.”
As that ruddy, gorgeous face filled the phone screen, Ethan’s heart swelled. He wished he could kiss Clay and feel his beard against his face. “Hey,” Ethan said. “How was the drive into Sydney?”
“A little traffic, but not too bad.” He paused. “How did it go with—” He cut off. “Uh, Michael?”
“You were going to say ‘shithead,’ weren’t you?”
Clay laughed. “Guilty as charged.”
Ethan exhaled and leaned back against the headboard. The room wasn’t particularly fancy, but it was clean and new, and airport hotels at least had reasonable rates. “Anyway, it went fine. It was what it was.”
“Meaning?” Clay frowned. “Did they do anything to upset you? I mean aside from what they already did.”
“You going to fly over here and kick their asses if they did?” Ethan teased, secretly loving it.
“Too right, I am.”
Ethan tried not to swoon too much, failing miserably. “My knight in shining armor. But there’s no need. They didn’t do anything. I mean, it was tough seeing them again and being back at the apartment. But I needed to do it. It was good closure. I sent a message to Michael’s sister Clara and a few other people before I deleted my Facebook account. Sat in the back of Uncle Chuck’s van and went through the boxes of stuff. Most of it he’s putting in storage for me.”
“He’s a good bloke.”
“He really is. It’s at least thirteen hours roundtrip to Cheektowaga, and he still dropped me off at Newark before he left. We’re not super close or anything, but it’s nice to know I do still have some family.”
“Of course.”
“So yeah. It went okay. I’d been dreading it, but it feels good to have it done.” He swallowed hard over the swell of emotion. “Feels right.” He laughed shakily. “Sorry. Don’t know why I’m getting all choked up now.”
“It’s all right, love.”
Ethan’s breath hitched at the casual endearment. Looking at Clay’s face and hearing the steady reassurance of his low voice filled Ethan with such peace. He managed a real smile. “Yeah. It is. Oh, how did Sam’s move go?”
“Great. Put most of her stuff in the back of the ute since Jase has furniture already. She’s thrilled to be living with him, although poor Gilly’s less pleased. We’re going to make sure he gets to spend a couple days with her every week.”
“I can’t wait to see Gilly again. Think he’ll remember me?”
“Course he will. You’re unforgettable.”
Ethan blushed at the compliment, and how Clay delivered it with such sweet sincerity. “I like myself so much more when I’m with you.” He laughed. “Does that sound stupid?”
“Nope.”
“All those years when I was depressed… I really hated myself sometimes. And I finally came to terms with everything, and I felt a lot better. I did. But now? I’ve never been this confident. No matter what happens, I’m a stronger man now because of you.”
“Nothing’s going to happen, mate. Well, nothing and everything. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah.” Ethan sighed happily. “I know exactly what you mean.” He hesitated, not wanting to ask, but feeling like he had to. “Have you spoken to Barb?”
Tension creased Clay’s face. “Going to ring her tomorrow. She and Baz are finally back from their holiday to Milford Sound. Looks gorgeous, by the way. We should plan a trip.”
“I’d love that. I’ll google it tonight. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get time off, but hopefully by the end of the year.”
“No rush, mate. We can take our time and research. It’ll be fun to plan it together.”
Ethan nodded. It would be everything. “I can’t wait to see you again.” His flight to LA was earlier this time, but he didn’t mind the longer layover. Anything to just get on the move and away from New York City.
Clay grinned. “Me either. I know we’ve spoken every day, but this month has been torture.” He laughed. “Sam says I should play it cool, but that’s just not me, mate. I miss you so damn much.”
And Ethan loved him for it. “Miss you too. So…” He couldn’t resist a mischievous little smile. “Are you going to be thinking about me and…” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
The blush on Clay’s cheeks was clear even via the small screen of the phone. “Strewth, the things you say.”
“Or I could help you out now. Show you a little bit of what you’re missing until I get back.” He’d never had phone sex, let alone FaceTime sex, but shit, he missed Clay so much. He burned to see him come—to know it was because of him.
But Clay’s eyes bugged out, and he looked adorably scandalized. “Mate, what if someone’s watching? Hackers or something? Don’t know how safe these transmissions are. No, it’ll be worth the wait when I see you in the flesh.”
Ethan chuckled. “Yeah, okay. But I’ll definitely be thinking about you when I jerk off. Like always. For the record.”
Clay’s teeth flashed in a grin, his eyes crinkling. “Ditto. I think about you all the time. For the record.”
His heart was going to burst, and Ethan could only grin like an idiot. “See you soon. In the flesh.”
