Jackson’s gaze flicked to River as she rinsed the dishes. She’d barely said a word since everyone had left. Not while they’d gotten dinner ready. Not while they’d eaten.
The woman remained silent, in her head, and he had no idea how to reach her.
Setting the tea towel on the island, he moved behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Her entire body tensed, her hands stilling.
He lowered his head to her ear and spoke softly. “I’m sorry.”
There was a beat of silence. It was heavy and painful and strained. “You don’t need to say sorry. You didn’t do anything.”
He pressed a soft kiss just below her ear. “I know you were hoping—”
She pulled herself out of his arms, looking everywhere but at him. “I’m going to bed.”
When she took a step away, he grabbed her arm, not wanting her to leave. Not like this. “River—”
The ringing of his phone cut off his next words. An exasperated breath rushed from his chest. He wanted to let it go to voicemail, but he was certain it was his team.
Slowly, he untangled his fingers, and River left the kitchen, her back rigid. There was the light thud of the bedroom door closing, then silence, bar the ringing phone.
Tugging the phone from his pocket, he wasn’t surprised to see it was Declan. “Hey.”
“Hey, brother. Just wanted to check on how you’re both doing?”
“Been better. A round in the ring wouldn’t be terrible right about now.” He had enough pent-up energy that he could probably go ten rounds.
“Meet there tomorrow morning?”
“Depends how River’s doing. I’ll let you know.”
“You got it, brother.” There was a small pause. “Is she okay?”
Jackson’s gaze flicked to her bedroom door again. “The second she saw them, she thought that was it. The moment everyone revealed Ryker was still alive.”
She hadn’t said the words out loud, but he knew.
Declan cursed softly down the line. “I wish she was right, that Todd had confirmed it was all a cover.”
“Me too. I’m going to check on her. Talk tomorrow.”
“Night.”
He’d barely hung up when the bedroom door opened again, and River walked out. She wore a jacket over the T-shirt she’d had on all day, as if she was going out.
He was across the room in seconds, stepping between her and the door. “What are you doing?”
For the first time since Todd had left, she looked up and met his gaze. Her jaw was set, eyes steely. She was determined. But she was also desperate. The two emotions battled on her face.
“Ryker’s alive—and I’m sick and tired of people telling me he isn’t. I’m going to find him.”
She tried to move around him, but he stepped to the side, blocking her way. “Where?”
“I don’t know. I just need to go somewhere. Do something. I can’t sit here another night not knowing where he is.”
The woman clearly wasn’t thinking straight. Emotions were clouding her judgment. She was a step away from teetering off the edge of devastation, and she was trying to save herself by hanging onto this belief of Ryker being alive.
“You’re not going anywhere, River.”
“Get out of my way.”
She stepped the other way, but he mimicked the movement again. He reached out and took her shoulders in his grasp. “River, Ryker is gone. It’s gut-wrenching and soul-destroying, but it’s true. And it’s something you need to accept.”
She took a step back, wrenching herself from his grasp. There was a wild look in her eyes now. “People need to stop saying that! I would feel it if my brother was dead, and he’s not!”
She reached beside him for her car keys, but he snapped them up before she could touch them.
Her eyes narrowed and she held out her hand. “Give them to me.”
“I can’t do that, Rae.”
For a moment, she stood there panting, anger reddening her cheeks. “Fine, I’ll walk.”
She tried to step around him yet again, but this time he swung her over his shoulder and walked back to the bedroom.
River kicked and writhed, pounding on his back. “Let me go! I need to find him!”
Jackson dropped her onto the mattress as gently as he could. She was on her feet in seconds.
“River, you can fight me all night, but I’ll just keep bringing you back here. There’s not a chance in hell I’m letting you leave this house. Not tonight. And not on your own until the arrests have been made.”
Her chest heaved up and down. This was it. All the emotion she hadn’t displayed at the funeral was about to unleash. She was going to shatter. And he couldn’t save her.
He took a small step closer, his hands going to her arms and his voice softening. “You’re not thinking clearly right now. And I’m sorry. So damn sorry that I can’t take away your pain and grief. But I also can’t let you put yourself in danger.”
She shoved at his chest, but he didn’t move.
“River—”
“Get out! Get the hell out of my bedroom! Now.”
He shot a quick look to the windows, knowing they were sealed and alarmed. If she tried to open them, he’d be notified.
Christ, he hated this. All he wanted to do was pull her close and let her lean on him. Find some sort of comfort in him.
Instead, he took a slow step back, hands dropping. Then he turned and left the room, each step feeling heavier than the last.
The second the door closed behind Jackson, the pain in her chest rippled and expanded. A part of her wanted to call him back, but another part didn’t. Couldn’t. It was this strange in-between of needing to be alone but also wanting Jackson’s comfort and strength and warmth.
Turning, she walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
Her skin was like ice, her hands trembling as they grabbed the edge of the counter. She couldn’t breathe. It was like someone had a hand around her throat, squeezing and suffocating her.
Dead. Ryker was dead.
That’s what Jackson had been telling her all along. What her parents had been telling her. And now, damn Homeland Security was telling her.
The second they’d revealed who they were today, hope had erupted in her chest. A hope that she’d so desperately needed. Hope that this was it. The moment her brother was proven to be alive. She’d almost expected him to walk into the room and reveal himself.
She looked up at her reflection, but the shape blurred from her tears.
Had he really just been in her head? The outline of him in his bedroom? The shadowy shape of him saving her outside the boxing gym? Had she wanted to see him so badly that she’d made it all up?
Her breath cut off in her throat and nausea rose in her stomach.
Dead. The word was on repeat in her head, cutting into her chest, her heart, like a dagger. She pressed a hand there, not entirely sure whether she was trying to dull the ache or hold herself together.
He didn’t feel gone. He felt seconds from walking back into this house. Talking to her. Arguing about something petty and stupid that they’d both laugh about later.
Her feet itched to leave. To get out. Every part of her vibrated with the need to be out there looking for him.
But she couldn’t get out. Jackson was both her protector and her captor.
Tugging her phone from her pocket, she lowered to the edge of the bathtub and, with shaking fingers, typed a text to Michele.
River: I can’t stand the thought of him being gone, Chele. It hurts too bad.
The second she hit send, her eyes shuttered. Waiting. Needing Michele to tell her she believed he was alive.
The phone vibrated in her hands.
Michele: Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I know it hurts today, but I swear to you, every day it will hurt a little less, until the ache in your chest just becomes something you learn to live with.
Tears flooded River’s eyes. It wasn’t the message she’d been hoping for, but then, she knew it wouldn’t be. Knew that no one on this earth believed he was alive except her.
Because he was gone, wasn’t he?
Really gone.
Slowly, she slid down the side of the tub to the cold tiled floor. Tears flooded her eyes and her chest cracked wide open as she slowly let the ugly reality that everyone had been pushing on her sink in.
She was never going to see, speak to, or touch Ryker again.
The phone slipped from her fingers, and she tucked her head into her knees. Then she let the tears wash down her cheeks without hesitation. She let the pain in her chest flutter and swell and cripple her.
River cried for the brother she thought she’d never lose in her lifetime. The brother she’d never had a chance to say goodbye. The brother she loved like a best friend.
The tears didn’t stop. They soaked her cheeks, trickling down her arms.
“Rae, honey…can I come in?”
She barely heard Jackson’s words. Maybe it was because her pain was so loud. Or maybe it was because her body, her chest, her heart…it was all being torn in two. Shredded. And that was all she could focus on. All she could hear and see.
She was vaguely aware of the jiggling of the doorknob. A minute passed. Then another. Each one had the tears falling faster. She didn’t remember locking the door, but maybe she had.
A second later, it opened, and Jackson was in front of her, hand going to the back of her head. “Baby…”
“I don’t know how to live without him in this world.” The words squeezed from her chest.
They’d been separated a lot, but she’d always known he was alive. That he existed in the world and the time would come when she’d see him again.
Jackson shifted beside her, immediately sliding an arm behind her back and another under her knees before lifting her onto his lap.
This time, she didn’t push the man away. She couldn’t. She leaned into his warmth and ducked her head into his neck. He felt like a lifeline. The only thing keeping her from breaking apart completely.
With trembling fingers, she grabbed onto his shirt, wanting him to be closer even while knowing this was it. This was all he could give.
His hand began to move in slow, circular strokes across her back. She focused on that, praying the touch would never end. That his touch would dull the pain until eventually, she could breathe again.
