I had been home from the hospital less than a week and already the cracks were starting to show in our newly formed family unit. Mam was withdrawn and when she wasn’t at work, she spent most of her time locked away in her bedroom or sitting like a zombie at the kitchen table, smoking cigarettes and staring off into nothing. This wasn’t anything new to us, but without Joey around to compensate, the household was falling into a state of anarchy.
It didn’t seem to matter what Darren said or did; Ollie and Tadhg weren’t impressed and constantly challenged him. Even little Sean was resisting our new setup. He hadn’t spoken a word to anyone since Dad left. I knew Darren was trying, and a part of me felt bad for my oldest brother, but a bigger part of me held infallible allegiance towards Joey.
Joey hadn’t come home in days and with his noticeable absence from our younger brothers’ daily routine, something they had been used to, came confusion and rebellion. I had a feeling Darren was regretting ever coming home. He was snowballing under the pressure of the role he had taken on, drowning in the bills and debts our parents had recklessly amassed, and smothering in the responsibility of caring for younger siblings and a weak mother.
On top of the meetings with solicitors, sessions with counselors, and house visits from social services and the Gardaí, the boys still had training sessions and matches most evenings. They had routines to uphold and even with Nanny helping out, it was a lot for one person to manage.
The pressure was immense and without Joey around to smooth everything over like he usually did, and steer Darren in the right direction, cracks were showing and tempers were rising.
The only good part about the whole mess was that our father was still missing. The bad part was that I knew in my heart that my mother was pining for him. She was pining for the man who made our lives a misery. That gave me little hope for a long-term future without him in it.
Without a phone or Joey, I had no way of contacting the outside world. Four months ago, that wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest. Four months ago, I would have been grateful to curl up under my duvet and hide from the big, bad world. But that was before Tommen. That was before Johnny.
Something was happening to me, I realized, something was shifting deep inside of my mind, and for the first time in my life, I felt restless. I felt like I wanted to pull on the chains shackling me to this house and break free. I had no idea where the notion had come from, but it was there, it was real, and it was encouraging me to dust myself off and fight back. To be brave and turn this life around for myself.
Not even the warnings from the Gardaí, encouraging me to stay at home while they searched for my father, or the constant whispering in my ear from Mam and Darren, could dissuade the yearning I had inside of my heart to break free.
I found it strange that now, with more bruises on my body than ever before, I wanted to push the boundaries, but that’s what was happening.
‘Have you heard from Joey?’ Tadhg’s voice cut through my thoughts, bringing me back to the present.
I swung around to find him leaning against the bathroom wall, his arms folded across his chest, watching me.
‘No,’ I replied, turning back to face the mirror I had been staring into before he distracted me. ‘I haven’t.’ Using my free hand, I ran my fingers through my hair, flinching when pain ricocheted through my scalp. ‘I haven’t seen him since the hospital. You know this.’
‘And you’re not worried?’ he pushed, tone hardening. ‘Or do you not give a fuck like the rest of them?’
‘You know I care, Tadhg.’ Forcing my hand to steady, I reached up with the scissors I was holding and tried again. ‘I give a lot of fucks.’
‘Why isn’t he coming home, Shan?’
I wanted to scream because she’s here, but I held it back and forced out, ‘I don’t know, Tadhg,’ instead.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked then, sounding distracted.
Setting down the scissors on the sink, I turned around and gave him my attention. ‘I’m trying to fix my hair.’
He arched a sardonic brow. ‘By hacking it off?’
‘I’m not hacking it off, Tadhg.’
‘Then what are you doing?’ he repeated, tone challenging.
I released a heavy sigh. ‘I’m bald.’
‘How’d you figure that?’ His brows furrowed. ‘Your hair looks the same as always to me.’
Walking over to the toilet, I closed the lid and sat down. ‘Come here.’
‘Why?’
‘So I can show you.’
Looking rather hesitant, Tadhg walked over to me. ‘Fine. Show me.’
‘Here.’ I lowered my head. ‘See the side part?’
I felt his fingers brush against my scalp before stilling. ‘There’s a chunk gone,’ he deadpanned, yanking his hand away. ‘The size of a fist.’
‘I know.’ Swallowing deeply, I battled down my emotions and cupped the side of my head. ‘I was trying to bring some hair from the other side of my parting over to cover it up, but it’s all uneven at the ends.’
He was silent for a long time before asking, ‘Do you have a comb?’
I nodded. ‘On the sink.’
Without a word, Tadhg walked over to the sink and grabbed both the comb and scissors.
‘Whoa,’ I spluttered, eyeing the scissors warily. ‘Wh-what are you doing?’
‘Fixing it,’ he growled. ‘Do you want my help or not?’
I debated the dangers of letting my eleven-year-old brother loose with scissors on my hair for the briefest of moments before shrugging in resignation. ‘Go for it.’ Whatever he did couldn’t look worse than walking around with all of my hair tossed over one side. ‘I’m trusting you.’
Tadhg’s response to that was a clipped ‘Hmm‘, but his fingers were achingly gentle as he worked. ‘Do you think she’ll take him back?’ he asked after a long stretch of silence. ‘When the dust settles?’
Yes. ‘No.’
‘Liar,’ was all he replied.
Twenty minutes later and I was staring in the mirror and admiring his handy work.
‘I moved it over,’ he explained, still scowling, as he stood behind me and stared at the mirror. ‘And then I just evened out the ends on both sides so you don’t look stupid.’
Instead of my elbow length hair parting down the middle of my scalp like it always had, it now parted on the right, with the extra hair concealing the bald patch from where my father had torn clumps of my hair off.
‘Thanks,’ I squeezed out, feeling a huge swell of emotion surge up inside of me. I turned around to face him. ‘I owe you one.’
Tadhg shifted around, looking uncomfortable. ‘Yeah, well, if you want to do me a favor then find my brother.’
My heart cracked. ‘He’ll come back, Tadhg.’ Tears filled my eyes as I said, ‘Joey would never leave us.’
‘We’re alone,’ he whispered, dropping his gaze to his feet.
‘No.’ I shook my head and moved towards him. ‘We’re not.’
‘Don’t you get it yet?’ he spat, backing away from me. ‘Haven’t you figured it out by now? We are all alone.’ He shook his head and glared at me. ‘All of us. On our own. By ourselves. And that’s that.’
‘Tadhg, that’s not true –’
‘No one fucking cares, Shannon,’ he told me, voice flat and void of all emotion. ‘Not about us. If they did, they would have come by now. And Joey doesn’t care, either,’ he cried before storming away.
