‘Shannon?’ Lizzie Young’s voice filled my ears as I sat on the closed-lid toilet, inside one of the stalls in the girls changing rooms in the PE hall with my uneaten sandwich on my lap. ‘Are you in here?’
I’d skipped Maths this morning. In fact, I’d skipped all six classes before big lunch. I’d gotten all the way to the classroom door this morning, I’d even put my hand on the door-handle, but I just couldn’t make myself go inside and face everyone.
I just couldn’t do it.
At first, I had debated just leaving school entirely and going home, but when I got to the main entrance gates, I had an unmerciful panic attack, with my father’s face at the fore point of my anguish. Spinning on my heels, I had hurried out of the rain, into the PE hall and hadn’t left since.
‘Hey,’ a voice said from somewhere above me then, causing me to almost jump out of my own skin.
‘Oh my god!’ Glancing up, my eyes landed on Lizzie, who was leaning over the top of the cubicle partition with a mildly amused expression on her face. ‘Lizzie, you almost gave me a heart attack.’
She arched a finely plucked brow. ‘Cozy down there?’
‘Shan!’ Claire’s face popped up from the other side of the cubicle partition. ‘What are you doing in here?’
‘Hiding,’ I admitted, red-faced.
‘From what?’
‘School,’ I offered with a weary sigh, as I stood up and unlocked the door. ‘The people in it.’ Stepping out of the cubicle, I walked over to the sinks, leaned against one of the cold, porcelain basins, and sighed. ‘Life.’
‘Well, that’s a shitty thing to do,’ Lizzie shot back. Hopping down from the toilet bowl she had been balancing on, she wiped her hands on her school skirt and stalked towards me. Her dark-blonde hair was pulled back in a severe bun, and her lips were painted a scarlet-red color, making her look even more beautiful than normal. ‘We were worried to death about you,’ she added, before pulling me into a hug. ‘You little dope.’
‘It’s true,’ Claire offered, scrambling down from the toilet bowl she had been standing on. ‘Not the dope part,’ she added, coming to join us in a hug. ‘That was mean and unnecessary, Lizzie – we’ve talked about this. But the worried to death part.’ She nodded. ‘We were definitely half way there.’
‘Sorry guys,’ I whispered, feeling swamped by my friends. Both girls were tall, both were blonde, and both were looking at me like I had the answers to all their questions, and maybe I did, but that didn’t mean I could ever tell them. ‘I just…I needed –’
‘A minute?’ Lizzie offered with a knowing smile. ‘Yeah, I think you’re owed a few of those.’
‘Am I in trouble for skipping my classes?’
‘No.’ Claire shook her head firmly. ‘Mr. Twomey’s just worried about you. He sent us to look for you, actually. We’ve literally been out of class all day, roaming the school for you.’
‘And it’s a big school,’ Lizzie offered dryly. ‘And you’re a tiny person.’
‘I was just in here,’ I confessed, feeling terrible now.
‘Yeah, the P.E hall?’ Lizzie laughed softly. ‘Was honestly the last place either of us expected you to be.’
‘He called us to the office first thing, too,’ Claire added. ‘They all want to help, Shan.’
‘I don’t want to talk to him or any of the teachers,’ I strangled out. ‘I told Darren to tell them that I didn’t want to talk.’ I shook my head, feeling a little faint at the thought. ‘I don’t want to talk to anyone.’
‘I know,’ Claire soothed. ‘And you don’t have to.’
‘That’s why he called us in,’ Lizzie offered calmly.
‘Yeah.’ Claire nodded. ‘He wanted to make sure that we were looking out for you.’
‘Like he even had to ask,’ Lizzie scoffed.
‘Come on,’ Claire said as she grabbed my schoolbag off the slippery tiles and slung it over her shoulder. ‘We’re going to lunch.’
‘And then we’re going to class,’ Lizzie added as she pushed me out of the bathroom. ‘Together.’
‘I’m scared,’ I blurted out, feeling that familiar pang of panic claw its way up my throat as we walked out of the hall and down the steep steps.
‘We know,’ Claire replied, wrapping an arm around me as we headed through the courtyard. ‘But it’s going to be okay.’
‘Yes, it is,’ Lizzie agreed, folding a loose lock of her blonde hair behind her ear. ‘Because you’re not alone in this.’
‘I’m sorry, guys,’ I muttered, feeling terrible. ‘I’m a pain in the ass.’
‘Yeah, but you’re our pain in the ass,’ Lizzie countered. ‘And we happen to be sort of fond of you.’
‘Thanks,’ I chuckled. ‘I think?’
‘By the way,’ Lizzie paused mid-step to look at me. ‘Do you want to talk about what happened?’
‘No,’ I croaked out.
‘You’re sure?’
‘I just…just be normal with me, Liz,’ I pleaded quietly. ‘That’s all I need.’
‘Fair enough.’ Lizzie nodded and continued towards the main building. ‘Just know that we’re here.’
‘Speaking of normal,’ Claire injected, thankfully changing the subject. ‘Are you going to be normal in here?’ she asked Lizzie. Yanking open the glass door, she gestured to us to file in. ‘No arguments, okay?’ We walked inside and Claire hurried in after us. ‘No bitching at Gerard or any of the boys.’
Lizzie shrugged noncommittally, striding off in the direction of the lunch hall. ‘If Thor and his gang of gimps steer clear of our table, we won’t have a problem.’
‘Hey – my brother’s in that gang of gimps,’ Claire huffed.
‘You know what they say, Claire – if you lie with dogs, you get fleas.’
‘Then you must be riddled with them,’ Claire shot back. ‘Since all you seem to be doing lately is lying under Pierce Ó Neill.’ Lizzie’s cheeks turned pink and Claire arched a perfectly shaped brow. ‘Nothing to say? Uh-huh. That’s what I thought.’
‘Guys, don’t fight,’ I puffed out as I hurried to keep up with their long strides, only to freeze on the mortal spot when we reached the archway. My heart jackknifed in my chest when my eyes landed on Johnny.
He was sitting at his usual spot at the end of the banquet-like table with his back to me. He had his feet propped up on a chair and his arms folded behind his head. His hair was all mussed up, looking like he’d spent the morning dragging his hands through it.
Several of the girls sitting at nearby tables were all staring at him with the same hungry expression I’d seen him provoke from girls in the hallways.
The same hungry expression he provoked from me…
He wasn’t paying an ounce of attention to the girls, or anyone else for that matter. He was staring straight ahead, attention glued to the table I usually sat at with the girls.
‘Uh,’ I cleared my throat, feeling nervous. ‘I have something to tell you.’ Catching ahold of their sleeves, I tugged the girls away from the archway, feeling my heart race at a million miles an hour as my gaze soaked him in. ‘It’s about Johnny,’ I added, tearing my gaze away from him. ‘And me.’
‘Oh god.’ Lizzie narrowed her eyes. ‘What did you do with Captain Fantastic?’
‘Yes?’ Claire’s eyes widened in excitement. ‘What did you do?’
‘I…’ I could feel my cheeks turning red. ‘Well, see, he’s my…and I’m his…’ Flustered, I broke off and pressed a hand to my forehead. ‘He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.’
‘Shut the front door!’ Claire squealed, clapping and bouncing excitedly. ‘Oh my god! Oh my god!’
I gave her a weak smile. ‘Yeah.’
‘You’re his girlfriend?’ Lizzie frowned in confusion. ‘But he doesn’t do the whole girlfriend thing.’
‘Well, he does now,’ Claire hooted, still bouncing like a playful kitten. ‘I swear, this is the best day!’
‘You know, I don’t even know why I’m surprised,’ Lizzie grumbled. ‘This has been brewing for months.’
‘It really has,’ Claire replied, still grinning as she nodded in agreement. ‘Months and months.’
‘It literally just happened today,’ I told them.
‘Yeah, sure, because Johnny Kavanagh blows a head gasket for every girl in this school,’ Lizzie shot back sarcastically. ‘I knew that day before Easter break, when you ran out of school and he went all batshit in the courtyard, that something was going on between you. Hell, even before that, he was always watching you like a creeper.’
‘They were kissing,’ Claire chimed in. ‘In his bedroom.’
‘Claire!’ I hissed.
‘And in Dublin.’
I narrowed my eyes. ‘Thanks for that.’
‘Well, you were,’ she laughed. ‘Because he looooves you.’
‘Stop it.’ I blushed bright red.
‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ Lizzie asked then, watching me carefully. ‘You really want this, Shan?’
‘I’m sure that I want him,’ I admitted with a wistful sigh. ‘Badly.’
‘Ah, god. I just… I can’t. I am so happy right now.’ Wiggling around like a bunny on speed, Claire swept me up in a hug that was so tight, my lungs burned in protest.
‘Oh god,’ Lizzie groaned. ‘I suppose you could do worse than Johnny.’ She cast a sideways glance towards Claire. ‘At least he’s better than the other one.’
‘Claire…’ Spluttering, I pushed at her shoulders, flinching when a sharp jolt of pain ricocheted through my ribcage. ‘Loosen…up…’
‘Oops, sorry!’ Releasing me immediately, she took a step back and grinned sheepishly. ‘The feels had me a little carried away there.’
‘The feels?’ Lizzie arched a brow. ‘Girl, you are too much sunshine for one person.’
‘And you are too much grey cloud,’ Claire quipped. Turning to me, she cooed, ‘And Shan, here, is our pretty, little silver lining.’
Shaking her head, Lizzie, turned her attention back to me. ‘Okay, Shan, I’m only going to say this once, and then you can do whatever you want.’
Claire rolled her eyes. ‘Here we go.’
‘Take your time,’ Lizzie said, tone serious. ‘There’s no rush, okay? If you want to be with him, then that’s great. If he makes you happy, then fuck it, I’m all for it, but don’t feel like you have to do anything you’re not ready for. He’s older than you and has a hell of a lot more experience with the world, so just take it at your own pace, not Johnny’s, and if he pressures you, even a little bit, then you kick his stupid rugby ass to the curb because –’
‘Because?’ a familiar voice asked from behind me.
Startled and excited, I spun around and came face to chest with Johnny.
He was, once again, crutch-less, but he was minus his school jumper this time. His red tie was just about hanging in there, tied loosely in a halfhearted knot against his white school shirt – a shirt that he filled to the point of stretching the material.
A trickle of fear shot up my spine as I took in the sight of his muscular arms – his muscular everything.
God, the boy really was all there.
‘Alright girls,’ Johnny acknowledged gruffly, and then he turned his heated gaze on me. ‘Hi, Shannon.’
‘Hi, Johnny,’ I breathed, heart racing wildly. Flustered, I balled my hands into fists at my sides, not confident enough to touch him first.
Don’t retract, Shannon.
Be brave.
Do something!
Smiling brightly, I asked, ‘How are you?’
Ugh, better than nothing.
A small smile ghosted his lips. ‘I’m good.’
‘I’m good, thanks,’ I blurted out and then immediately cringed when I realized he hadn’t asked. ‘I mean –’
‘Come here,’ he chuckled, grabbing my hand and pulling me flush to his chest. ‘I missed you,’ he whispered, before lowering his face to mine.
I felt his hands come around my waist and then his lips were on mine. Holding onto his arms, I leaned up on my tip-toes and kissed him back, feeling at a serious height disadvantage and struggling to reach him.
Smiling against my lips, Johnny stooped down to hook an arm around my back and then I was…oh god, I was being lifted off my feet as he drew himself back up to his full height.
Snaking my arms around his neck, I melted into the kiss, feeling every ounce of tension drain away as my body grew lax and pliant against his.
‘I missed you back,’ I breathed against his lips.
He smiled against my lips. ‘Good to know.’
It was a soft, tender kiss that was over before it started, but it felt achingly intimate and left my whole body tingling.
‘If you ditch your brother and come home with me instead, we can do that without an audience,’ Johnny told me, tone laced with amusement, as he set me back down on my feet.
‘Huh?’
He inclined his head towards Claire and Lizzie, who were both watching us, openmouthed.
‘Well,’ Lizzie said, composing herself first. ‘You just went right on in there, didn’t you?’
‘Aww,’ Claire gushed, clutching her chest with both hands. ‘I love them together.’ She feign-swooned before adding, ‘It’s like a Great Dane and a Chihuahua trying to mate, but they somehow make it work.’
‘Jesus,’ Lizzie grumbled, swatting her arm. ‘You are so bloody tactless, Claire.’
‘He picked her up, Liz,’ Claire squealed, as Lizzie dragged her away. ‘Did you see that?’
‘Yeah, I saw it, now let’s go, whore.’ Keeping her hands on Claire’s shoulders, Lizzie pushed her in the direction of the office. ‘We need to tell Mr. Twomey that we found her.’
‘But, Liz, he actually picked her up to kiss her!’
‘Yeah, Claire, I know. I have eyes, too. Stop being such a weirdo.’
Mortified, I stared after the girls until they had vanished into the lunch hall, and then I groaned loudly before burying my face in Johnny’s chest. ‘I’m so embarrassed.’
‘Found you?’ Johnny tipped my chin up and stared down at me in confusion. ‘Did you need to be found?’
‘I, uh…kind of skipped class.’
His brows furrowed. ‘All day?’
‘Yeah, I…uh, couldn’t face it,’ I admitted quietly, taking a step back to regain my composure.
‘Do you think you can face it now?’
I shrugged. ‘I sort of have to, don’t I?’
‘Having to be ready and being ready are two very different things,’ he offered softly. ‘Have you been to the office? To talk to Twomey.’
‘No.’ I exhaled heavily and rubbed my temples. ‘But I know that I’m going to have to do it eventually.’
‘Listen, I know you don’t want to, but if you just get it over with, it’ll be one less thing to worry about.’
‘I just don’t know what to say if they ask me about it,’ I confessed, feeling unarmed and exposed. ‘I’m not used to talking about it.’
‘Do you want me to come with you?’ Johnny blew my mind by asking. ‘We could go now? Get it over and done with.’
My eyes widened. ‘You would do that?’
‘Of course,’ he replied gruffly.
‘Would you be allowed in there with me?’
‘I’d like to see him stop me,’ he shot back, and then with a grin added, ‘And if he asks you about anything you don’t want to talk about, I’ll take a leaf out of my Da’s book and jump in with a ‘my client reserves the right to not answer that question’.’
Smiling, I wrapped my hands around my waist and nodded. ‘Okay, I’ll do it after lunch.’
‘Yeah?’ His eyes burned with tenderness. ‘Well shite, I’m kind of persuasive when I want to be.’
You have no idea just how much.
‘Is that okay?’ I heard myself ask, unsure. ‘Can you come with me then? I mean, it won’t mess with your classes –’
‘I’ll be there,’ he cut me off by saying. ‘Don’t even worry about it.’
‘But I just –’
‘Stop worrying.’ Taking my hand in his, he entwined our fingers, and tugged me towards the archway. ‘I’ve got your back.’
Oh god.
My heart.
Inhaling a steadying breath, I steeled my spine and walked into the lunch hall room with Johnny, holding onto his hand for dear life, and praying for a little invisibility, even though I knew it was no use. If I wanted to go undiscovered, I was holding the hand of the wrong boy. I wasn’t letting go of him, though, not for all the tea in China.
Whatever this was, I knew I would hold on with both hands for as long as I could because the prospect of dealing with everything in my life and not having him to look forward to was incomprehensible now. It was all so fresh and new and unknown. Usually, I was terrified of the unknown, but with him, I had a burning curiosity. I was excited – terrified to my core but excited.
Silence greeted us the moment we stepped inside, and what felt like a thousand pairs of curious eyes landed on us, causing my body to seize up with dread.
Meanwhile, Johnny looked completely unfazed. Seriously, he either didn’t see them staring or he didn’t care because his posture remained relaxed, his smile still firmly etched on his face, as he led us over to his table.
‘Johnny,’ I strangled out, tightening my hold on his hand. ‘Everyone is looking at us.’
‘Let them look,’ he replied, giving my fingers a reassuring squeeze. ‘They’ll get bored eventually.’
Will you?
The words were at the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them down, deciding on battling the social demon for now.
I could worry myself to sleep with the insecure demon tonight.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Bella watching from her perch at the top end of the rugby table, where she was sitting on Cormac Ryan’s lap. The minute our eyes locked, she narrowed hers in a menacing glare and I instantly felt the weight of her fury; it was sharp, potent, and directed entirely towards me.
Dropping my gaze to my shoes, I debated letting go of Johnny’s hand, but stopped myself.
No, I mentally chastised myself, you’re not afraid of her.
Who are you fooling? another voice taunted. You’re terrified of her.
‘Push up,’ Johnny ordered when we reached the table, distracting me from my frantic thoughts. Feeling flighty, I locked my muscles into place, forcing my feet to stay firmly on the ground and watched as a line of lads, starting with Hughie Biggs, all obligingly scooted up a seat in the row.
‘Listen up,’ Johnny said then, drawing the attention of his friends. ‘This is Shannon – my girlfriend. She’s going to be sitting here from now on, so get used to seeing her around the place.’ He moved to sit down, but quickly stopped himself and straightened back up. ‘Oh, and fuck with her and I’ll bury you all –’ He cast a meaningful look around the table before adding, ‘Are we clear?’
Oh my god!
‘Yeah, lad, no bother.’
‘We already know, Cap.’
‘Heard it all before, Kav.’
‘Good.’ Surprising me, Johnny took the seat that Hughie and his girlfriend had vacated, and pulled out his usual chair at the end of the row for me. ‘Just wanted to clear that up.’ He patted the seat beside him then and I practically flopped into it, wanting nothing more than to hide under the table.
If Tommen was a jungle and the students here were animals, then this table was the lion’s den. I was a stray gazelle, surrounded by the most dangerous of apex predators, all watching me with curiosity. Luckily for me, I was a gazelle that the king of this particular jungle, and leader of the pack, had taken a shining to. I wouldn’t be eaten up. Not today, at least.
I hoped.
Johnny’s arm came around me then, cocooning me in a blanket of comfort that common sense told me was unsafe and temporary. ‘Just relax, okay?’ he whispered, leaning so close to me that his lips brushed my ear. ‘You’re safe with me.’
Shivering from the contact, I nodded and suppressed the urge to bury myself inside this boy and never come back up for air. Because I was falling too hard, depending too much, and growing entirely too attached to him. Red flags were shooting up all around me, and still, I remained exactly where I was – exactly where I wanted to be. With him.
Setting my hands on my lap beneath the table, I tucked my chin downwards and cracked my knuckles. To my immense relief, when I looked up again, the only person still staring at me was Gibsie, who was sitting exactly opposite me at the ginormous table, and grinning like the cat that got the cream. ‘Hey, Little Shannon.’
‘Hi, Gibsie,’ I squeezed out, forcing myself to keep eye contact. ‘H-how are you?’
‘All good in the hood.’ Pulling a lollipop out of his mouth, he twirled it around aimlessly, as his mischievous eyes danced between me and Johnny. ‘I can see you’re doing good, too.’
I blushed and Johnny snapped his head towards him. ‘Rein it in, Gibs,’ he instructed in a warning tone. ‘Whatever you’re thinking about saying? Don’t say it.’
‘I wasn’t going to say anything,’ Gibsie laughed good-naturedly. ‘I was making friendly conversation with your girlfriend.’
‘Hmm.’ Johnny arched a brow, eyes locked on Gibsie. ‘Keep it that way.’
‘How’s your brother?’ Gibsie asked then, turning his attention back to me. ‘Is he doing better?’
‘Uh, yeah,’ I mumbled, tucking my hair behind my ears. ‘Well, he’s home and he went back to school today.’ I hope. ‘So, he’s doing a lot better.’
Gibsie smiled warmly at me. ‘Good.’
Claire and Lizzie arrived at the table then, making me sag in visible relief.
Lizzie stalked right past the boys with her nose cocked in the air, smacking the back of Gibsie’s head as she passed, not stopping until she was halfway up the table and dragging out an empty chair beside her on again/off again boyfriend, Pierce.
‘Hey – what was that in aid of?’ Gibsie called after her.
‘Because you’re a dickhead,’ Lizzie shot back.
‘And you’re a viper,’ Gibsie muttered under his breath, rubbing the back of his head. ‘Jesus.’
Claire slumped into the chair beside Gibsie then, much to Hughie’s dismay as he glared, red-faced, at the pair of them.
‘Hey, Claire-bear,’ Gibsie said, smiling again. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Hey, Gerard,’ she sighed, sounding sad and looking nothing like the bundle of energy she’d been a few minutes ago. Rolling up her sleeves, she placed her elbows on the table and dropped her head in her hands. ‘I’m so sad.’
‘Why?’ Gibsie stiffened. ‘What happened?’ His eyes narrowed. ‘Was someone at you?’
‘Dee happened,’ she grumbled. ‘Again.’
Gibsie’s mouth fell open and Johnny muttered something unintelligible under his breath before shifting closer to me.
‘Dee?’ I scrunched my brow’s together. ‘The school secretary?’
‘That’s the one,’ Claire replied and then huffed out a pained breath. ‘I swear that woman hates me for no reason, Shan.’
Gibsie choked on his lollipop and several of the lads sitting around the table snickered. Meanwhile, Johnny stared dutifully out the window, looking anywhere but at Claire, while Hughie glowered darkly at Gibsie.
Leaning over the table, I gently touched her wrist to get her attention. ‘What did she do?’
‘I have a hockey match in Thurles tomorrow,’ she replied, brown eyes full of sadness. ‘Somehow, my forms have vanished and now Mr. Twomey is saying that I can’t go.’ Pouting, she folded her arms across her chest and added, ‘Dee told him that I never handed them into the office when I was supposed to, which is a complete lie, because I specifically remember handing them to her the Tuesday before we went on Easter break.’
‘Why would she do that?’ I asked.
‘Yeah,’ Hughie bit out through clenched teeth. ‘I wonder why she would do that.’
‘Lolly?’ Gibsie offered then, pulling a lollipop stick from his mouth and holding it out to her.
Claire stared at it for a moment before shrugging, swiping it out of his hand, and then popping it into her mouth. ‘Sherbet?’ She arched a brow. ‘You hate sherbet.’
‘Got it for you,’ he shot back with a wink. ‘I know it’s your favorite.’
‘Don’t put that in your mouth,’ Hughie practically spat. ‘You don’t know where he’s been, Claire.’
‘Hmm.’ Claire shrugged again, like it was a normal thing to be swapping lollipop saliva with him. ‘It’s good.’
‘Jesus Christ,’ Hughie hissed in despair. ‘I don’t know why I bother.’
‘Anyway, I can’t play tomorrow,’ Claire continued to say around the pop she was sucking on. ‘Which is a complete disaster since Jenny Kelleher is out injured and Saoirse Doyle is still in France with her parents. It was a really important game for Tommen’ She sighed heavily, pulled the lolly out of her mouth, and handed it back to Gibsie. ‘Here – I’m done.’
‘Yeah, me, too,’ Gibsie muttered as he shoved the lollipop back in his mouth and jerked to his feet. ‘I have to go do something.’
‘Yeah, you do,’ Hughie spat. ‘Sort it.’
‘Huh?’ Frowning, Claire stared after him. ‘Gerard, where are you going? What about your lunch?’
‘I just need to ah…’ He let his words trail off as he pointed towards the archway and then proceeded to dart out of the room.
Johnny, who was watching their interaction, shook his head in clear dismay before scrubbing his face with his hand.
‘What’s going on?’ I whispered, turning my face into his neck. The smell of his cologne wafted into my nose and I shivered. He always smelled so good. ‘Where’s he going?’ I asked, pulling back so I could concentrate.
With a heavy sigh, Johnny dropped a hand to my thigh and squeezed. ‘Trust me, Shan,’ he said in a low tone, leaning close to my ear. ‘When it comes to Gibs, you’re really better off not knowing.’
That was the second time today that he had spoken those words, and for the second time today, I thought he might be right.
