‘There’s movement on the western front,’ Claire announced from her perch on the window sill in her bedroom. ‘The front door’s opening – slowly. Nope, it’s closing again. Oh wait, it’s opening again. Make a decision, dammit! Oh wait, I can see one teenage male – no, make that two. They’re both together – no surprises there. B2 is locking the front door. He’s saying something to B1 – and they’re both pushing each other. Looks like they’re arguing… oh, oh, they’re walking towards his car now…no, no, they’ve changed course. They’re crossing the road. Getting closer, closer, closer –’
‘Claire!’ I choked out, panicking.
‘Shh –’ she held a hand up and pointed to her bedroom door. ‘Just wait for it.’
Ding-dong.
She grinned. ‘Looks like they’ve come to play with the teddies.’
‘Bananas in Pajamas references?’ I laughed, unable to stop myself. ‘Really?’
‘Hey –’ She shrugged, grinning. ‘If the shoe fits.’
‘What do I do?’ I asked, worrying my lip. Everything had gone to hell in the carpark at school, and Johnny hadn’t spoken a single word to me the entire drive to Claire’s house. When Gibsie pulled into his driveway, I had walked across the road with Claire to her house and Johnny had stayed with Gibsie. I didn’t know what to do or make of it. I had no experience in dealing with this sort of thing. ‘Do you think he’s mad?’
‘No,’ Claire replied, rolling her eyes. ‘I think he thinks you’re mad.’ She tilted her head to one-side, studying me carefully. ‘Are you mad?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know what I am.’
‘It’s okay if you are. We all sort of railroaded you with Darren earlier.’ Scrunching her nose up, Claire flicked at a piece of fluff on her pajama shorts before adding, ‘But he put his hands on you, and that’s kind of a red flag deal to us.’
‘Darren wouldn’t hurt me,’ I heard myself say for the millionth time in the space of a few hours. ‘Not like that. He’s just… he’s worried about Mam and the kids…and my dad.’ Because he’s still out there.
‘Yeah, I know.’ Letting her feet fall from the windowsill to the floor, Claire stood up and stretched her arms over her head. Her pale curls, held back from her face with a clip, flowed down her back like vibrant, golden sunshine. She was just so beautiful with her long legs and toned curves, that it made me feel like a little boy alongside her. ‘I know he wouldn’t ‘hurt you‘ hurt you, and I’m so sorry for making a scene,’ she added, tone guilty. ‘But you have to see where we were coming from. You kept everything inside for so long, buried so many secrets about what was going on at home, that it’s hard to trust you.’
I flinched from her words and Claire’s eyes widened. ‘I don’t mean it in a bad way,’ she hurried to soothe. ‘I trust you one million percent with all my secrets and everything, I swear. I’m just saying that when it comes to your family, we’re all a little wary.’
‘I get it.’ Shifting on her bed so that I was sitting cross-legged and facing her, I let out a defeated sigh. ‘It’s just a mess.’
‘With Darren?’ she asked, eyes warm and laced with sympathy. ‘Or in general?’
‘All of the above,’ I admitted. ‘I don’t think Darren’s coping with being back home.’ Guilt churned inside of me. ‘You saw just how well Joey’s ‘coping’ with life, Tadhg has morphed into a walking hormone, Sean can barely string a word together – and he’s wetting the bed every night. Mam is being…well, she’s just the definition of a mess, and Dad is…’ Cringing, I added, ‘The only one that seems to be coping is Ollie, and he’s nine.’
‘Sorry, Shan.’ She gave me a sympathetic look. ‘That sucks.’
‘Yeah,’ I sighed. ‘And I know I should make an effort with Darren, but it’s so hard. He just…he was gone, you know? For years. I didn’t even know where he was, and now, all of a sudden, he’s back, and in charge, and falling into line with her –’ My voice broke off and I gnawed anxiously on my fingernails. ‘I don’t know how to process it all. So much has happened and I feel like…’
‘You feel like what, Shan?’
‘Like I’m being smothered,’ I offered quietly.
‘By me?’ she asked.
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Never you.’
‘I’m always here for you.’ Hurrying over to where I was sitting on her bed, Claire flung herself down on me, knocking me onto my back. ‘You’re my best friend,’ she whispered, hugging me tightly. ‘And I know I’m not supposed to squeeze you, but I can’t help it because –’ Her voice cracked and she dropped her face to rest against my shoulder before whispering, ‘Because when I got that call from Gerard and found out what happened to you, I was so afraid that I would never see you again.’ Sniffling, she clutched me tighter. ‘I felt so responsible.’
‘I’m still here,’ I croaked out, holding her tightly, drowning in the smell of her strawberry shampoo as her hair splayed over my face. ‘And you were never responsible.’
‘Wasn’t I?’ she muttered. ‘I knew something was happening to you and I did nothing about it.’
‘You were exactly the kind of friend I needed,’ I told her. ‘I wouldn’t have gotten through any of it without you, so don’t ever feel bad for being what I needed.’
‘I’m always going to feel bad, Shan,’ she replied. ‘I don’t think that’s going to go away in a hurry.’
‘God, you need a haircut,’ I spluttered, spitting out a mouthful of blond curls.
‘Huh?’
‘Your hair, Claire,’ I strangled out, batting at my mouth as a mountain of curls swamped me. ‘It’s in my mouth.’ I pushed at her shoulders. ‘You’re turning into Rapunzel.’
‘Says the girl with hair down to her arse,’ she giggled, climbing off me. ‘My hair’s thick and there’s a lot of it –’ She paused to pull me up, ‘But you’re the one with the length.’
‘Because it’s the only thing about me that grows,’ I joked, settling down to sit cross-legged, facing her. Reaching behind my head, I pulled out my hair tie and tossed my brown hair over my left shoulder. ‘It’s all I have,’ I added as I began to braid my hair into submission. ‘So don’t judge –’
‘I have something that grows,’ a familiar male voice piped up. ‘It’s growing right now.’
‘You’re supposed to knock, remember?’ Claire said, glancing over her shoulder at Gibsie who was standing in her bedroom. ‘You know the rules.’
Hovering in the doorway behind him was Johnny, shifting from foot to foot, looking incredibly uncomfortable.
His gaze locked on mine and he offered me a small smile.
I smiled back.
Relief flooded his features and he blew out a breath.
‘I know you’re talking right now, babe,’ Gibsie said, drawing my attention back to him. ‘And I’m trying really hard to pay attention, but it’s kind of impossible when all I’m seeing is you and another girl on your bed, braiding hair, with your sexy ass hanging out of those shorts.’ Grinning, he added, ‘Quick, do something else.’
‘Something like this,’ Claire replied sweetly, before grabbing a pillow and flinging it at him.
‘Fucking perfect,’ Gibsie choked out, catching the pillow mid-air. ‘Add in pillow fights and it’s like free porn.’
‘You’re a perv.’
‘A perv who sorted that hockey thing for you.’
‘You did?’ Claire’s eyes widened. ‘How?’
Gibsie shrugged. ‘I have my ways.’ Titling his head to one-side, he studied her back and asked, ‘Holy shit – are you wearing a thong?’
‘Gerard,’ Claire sighed.
‘Is it red?’ He squinted his eyes and then groaned. ‘It’s fucking red, isn’t it?’
Rolling her eyes, Claire climbed off the bed and padded over to where he was standing. ‘You’re an idiot,’ she chided, slapping his arm. ‘Come on, you can help me clean the kitchen before Mam gets home from work. It’ll give these two some time to talk.’ Smiling brightly at Johnny, she added, ‘Come on in, Johnny.’
‘Uh, yeah.’ Shoving his hands into his pockets, Johnny stepped into her room. ‘Thanks.’
‘I’ll come anywhere you want if you just show me that thong,’ Gibsie pleaded, dropping his hands to her waist. ‘I’ll clean all the pots. I’ll do anything. Just one peek. That’s all I’m asking.’
‘You’ll come anyway,’ she huffed, catching ahold of his school tie and dragging him out of her room.
‘You’ve got that right,’ he agreed, trailing after her like a puppy dog on a lead. ‘Is your bra red, too?’
‘I’m not wearing one.’
‘Oh, Jesus.’
Gibsie pulled the door closed, leaving me and Johnny alone in Claire’s bubblegum pink bedroom.
‘There’s ah…that’s a lot of pink.’ Shifting awkwardly, he dragged one hand out of his pocket and waved his hand around aimlessly. ‘Never seen so many teddy bears and dolls in my life.’
‘She doesn’t play with them anymore,’ I explained, stifling a laugh at the sight of his confused expression. ‘She just collects them.’ Feeling at a loss, I grabbed the huge, white polar bear from the top of her bed and held it out to him. ‘Gibsie bought this one for her thirteenth birthday and demanded she name it after him,’ I said. ‘She compromised and called it Gerry.’
‘I remember,’ Johnny sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘Bleeding thing cost him eighty quid. He was cutting grass for the entire summer to pay for it.’
My eyes widened. ‘Eighty euro for a teddy bear?’
Johnny shrugged. ‘That’s the one she wanted.’
‘Oh,’ I whispered, not knowing what else to say.
‘Are we okay?’ he asked then, remaining exactly where he was. ‘You and me?’
I nodded. ‘I think so.’
Johnny blew out a harsh breath and moved towards me. ‘I know I fucked up, okay?’ he blurted, not stopping until he was sitting on the edge of Claire’s bed, eyes locked on mine. ‘I overreacted. But I just saw him with his hands on you and I panicked.’ He shook his head and reached for my hand. ‘I fucking saw red, Shan. I couldn’t think clearly and jumped to conclusions.’
‘I get it,’ I whispered, shifting closer to him. ‘I’m not mad at you.’
‘But I’ve just made things worse for you.’ He groaned, pulling my hand onto his lap, and looked at me, expression forlorn. ‘I fucked it, baby.’
Baby?
Oh god.
‘And now you’re going to have to go home and deal with more of their shite,’ he continued to say, sounding pained. ‘All because I couldn’t get a handle of myself –’
‘Johnny?’ I squeezed out, heart skittering around wildly.
He exhaled a sigh and looked at me with a wary expression like he was trying to gauge my emotions. ‘Yeah, Shan?’
‘I love you.’ I had no idea why I felt the need to tell him that, but the words seemed to clamber up my throat every time I laid eyes on him.
The blue in his eyes blazed with heat. ‘I love you, too.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
I don’t know who moved first after that… there was a blur of flailing limbs, but when I lunged for Johnny, he was already halfway down on me. Our lips crashed together at the same time I collapsed onto my back, with his big body landing heavily on top of me.
Frazzled, I tightened my hold on his neck and let my legs fall apart, causing him to settle between them roughly.
The contact caused us both to moan loudly.
Knotting my fingers in his hair, I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him back with a need that bordered on insanity. Squeezing my thighs, I rocked my hips upward and pulled down hard on his hair, wanting nothing more than to immerse myself in this boy. Plunging my tongue into his mouth, I kissed him hard, unable to get close enough. Johnny rewarded the move with a deep, rumbling growl of approval. The sound was so sexy.
I could feel him, hard as steel between my legs, rubbing and grinding against my most private of areas and I moaned, shifting closer, wanting more than anything for him to just press harder.
‘Christ.’ His hands roamed all over my body. ‘You feel so good.’ His hand slipped under the hem of my shirt, fingers grazing my side. ‘Taste so fucking perfect.’
His hands were everywhere; on my legs, on my hips, in my hair. He touched me everywhere except where I needed him to and that only seemed to make me more frantic – more desperate for him.
I was behaving like a deranged maniac but I just couldn’t contain myself a second longer. I could feel the aching want I had for him deep in my bones, driving me on, encouraging me to push for more. Heat pooled inside of me; a deep, unsettling, throbbing ache.
His tongue and fingers only seemed to intensify that throbbing sensation until I was literally pulsing down there. My heart was beating at a hundred miles an hour, the passion and driving need making my movements reckless and clumsy, as my body instinctively chased after an unfamiliar feeling that only his body could provide.
I was a virgin, but that didn’t mean I was clueless about sex. I read enough books, watched enough movies, and listened to enough stories to know all about the male body and orgasms. And even though I’d never felt one before, I was well aware that the tingling jolts of pleasure rippling through me every time Johnny thrust his hips against me, were a small promise of pleasure.
Oh my god, I might come, the sudden thought sparked to life inside of my mind, causing me to moan into his mouth and buck my hips in encouragement, I think he’s going to make me come.
Reveling in the feeling of being pinned beneath him, and clouded by lust, I slipped a hand between our bodies and touched the front of his school trousers, shivering when my hand came into contact with his erection.
‘Don’t, baby,’ Johnny groaned into my mouth, pulling my hand away and pinning it above my head. ‘Or I’ll lose it.’
‘Are you sore?’ I breathed, panting against his lips. ‘Does it hurt?’
‘You’re killing me, Shan,’ Johnny groaned and buried his face in my neck. ‘Fuck, baby.’ Nipping and suckling my flesh, he kissed a trail from my collarbone to my lips before thrusting his tongue into my mouth once more.
I couldn’t take it.
I honestly couldn’t.
Desperate for more, I slid my hands under his school shirt and clawed at the taut, rippling skin beneath. My fingers on his stomach did something to Johnny, because he pressed me deeper into the mattress, moving harder against me. The hand he was using to pin mine traveled to my leg.
Cupping the fleshy part of my thigh, he hitched my leg up higher and rocked his hips into me. His fingers dug into my skin so hard that I felt my tights rip, but I didn’t care. He could rip them to shreds and I wouldn’t stop him. Moving higher, I felt his fingertips trace the edge of my knickers. He hesitated and I felt like crying. Frustrated, I hooked my fingers into his waistband and tugged hard. That was all the encouragement he needed; his hand slipped behind me to palm my ass, squeezing and pulling me closer to him as he continued to rub against me.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was entirely inappropriate to be rolling around on my best friend’s bed with my boyfriend, but my brain could only hone in on the word boyfriend. Everything else was inconsequential in this moment because Johnny was my boyfriend, and my boyfriend had me on my back, making my body shake and tremble. It was the only male touch I’d ever welcomed. He was big and masculine and was using all of his strength to make me feel good.
In this moment, I didn’t care about my family or my bullies, I didn’t fear the unknown and I wasn’t worrying; all I could think about was the desperate need I had inside to just link with him in every way possible.
The sound of foil crackling broke through my lust-filled thoughts and I jerked when something sharp stabbed my thigh. ‘What’s that?’ I asked, sounding breathless as I tore my lips from his. I rolled my hips and felt the sting again. ‘Ouch.’
‘Are you okay?’ Concern flickered in Johnny’s eyes, drowning out the desire, and he quickly pulled back to kneel between my legs. ‘Shit, did I hurt you?’
‘No, it wasn’t you –’ Patting the mattress, my hand stumbled on several sharp-edged packets. ‘It was this,’ I breathed, raising one of the little square packets up for inspection. My body flooded with heat when I registered what I was holding. ‘Uh, these must have fallen out of your pocket,’ I mumbled, glancing down at the pile of condoms on either side of my waist. ‘They must have fallen out of your pocket,’ I corrected, counting sixteen condoms – seventeen including the one I was holding.
Johnny stared down at the condom in my hand, blinked several times, and then shot off the bed faster than I’d ever seen him move on a pitch. ‘Jesus Christ,’ he strangled out, running a hand through his hair. ‘It’s not what it looks like, I swear.’ Muttering a string of curse words, he began to pace the floor. ‘Fucking Gibsie,’ he bit out, jaw clenched. ‘He’s going to ruin my life.’
‘Gibsie?’
‘They’re his,’ Johnny choked out. ‘Not mine.’
‘Oh.’ Pulling myself up on my elbows, I watched him stalk around the room like a madman. ‘Okay.’
‘I’m just holding onto them for him,’ he hurried to add, still pacing. ‘I did not bring those over here for any other reason than I forgot they were in my pockets.’
‘It’s fine.’
‘For fuck’s sake,’ he groaned, stopping to cup the back of his head. ‘I wouldn’t…I mean I’m not…I didn’t expect to have sex with you.’
‘You didn’t?’
‘What?’ He gaped at me. ‘No, Shannon, of course I didn’t.’
‘Oh.’ I glanced down at the condoms before looking back at him. ‘Why?’
‘Because I –’ His mouth fell open and it took him a few moments to recover. ‘Wait – what?’
‘Uh, nothing,’ I mumbled, embarrassed. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘You want to have sex?’ he pressed, watching me warily. ‘Is that what you’re saying?’
‘I don’t know.’ Nervous, I stood on the other side of the bed, with my back to the window, watching him back with equal wariness. ‘I mean, I’ll do it if you want to?’
‘Is that a trick – what the –are you – fuck!’ Holding a hand up, Johnny placed his other hand on the top of his head and took several deep, steadying breaths. He looked like he was about to explode as he rolled his lips between his teeth and eyeballed me. ‘Just give me a minute.’
I nodded. ‘Okay.’
‘I’m not having sex with you,’ he finally said when words found him again. His voice was torn, his expression pained. ‘We’re not having sex, Shannon,’ he reiterated, voice strained. ‘It’s not happening.’
Oh god.
‘I’m sorry.’ Flustered and mortified beyond belief, I quickly pushed my skirt back down. ‘It was a stupid…I don’t even know what I was thinking – I mean, of course you don’t want to – ugh, just forget it –’
‘I want to,’ he quickly corrected. ‘Believe me, I want to. I promise. But I just can’t.’
‘Oh.’ My gaze flicked to the tent he was pitching in his grey school trousers. ‘Because you’re still sore?’
‘No, baby,’ he choked out, throwing a hand up. ‘Because you’re not ready.’
‘But I said I’d do it if you wanted to,’ I whispered.
‘Exactly,’ Johnny groaned loudly. ‘You said if I wanted to – not because you wanted to.’ Shaking his head, he walked over to the bed and sank down. ‘It’s way too soon.’
‘But when you were with Bella you were having –’ I snapped my mouth shut and hovered by the window, watching him. ‘Never mind.’
‘Jesus,’ Johnny muttered, dropping his head in his hands. ‘Is that what you think I want?’ When I didn’t respond, he straightened up and looked at me. ‘Come here.’ He patted the mattress beside him. ‘Come sit with me for a bit.’
I watched him carefully for a moment before letting my shoulders sag in defeat and walking over to sit down.
‘Talk to me,’ he said quietly. ‘Tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours.’
‘I just…’ I stopped short and tensed up, unable to get the words out.
‘You just what, Shannon?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Talk to me.’
‘I just want you to want me in all the ways you wanted her,’ I blurted out and then flamed in embarrassment.
‘No.’ Johnny shook his head. ‘You don’t want that.’
‘But I really do,’ I admitted glumly.
‘So, you just want me to want to fuck you?’ he demanded, tone heated. ‘You want me to only want sex from you? To fuck you and spend the entire time wondering how fast I can get away from you?’ He stared hard at me, daring me to tell him yes. ‘Or wonder how long is socially acceptable to stick around after pulling out of you? Five minutes? Half an hour? Do I have to kiss and cuddle you or can I leave and wash the smell of you off my body? Because that’s how it was with her.’ He ran a hand through his hair and growled. ‘There were no feelings involved. It was sex and nothing else.’
‘No, I don’t want that,’ I admitted quietly. ‘I just want to be what you want.’
‘You are,’ he urged, tone heated. ‘I don’t want what I had with Bella. I want what I have with you.’
‘You promise?’
‘I fucking promise, Shannon!’ Leaning forward, Johnny rested his elbows on his thighs and exhaled heavily. ‘Listen to me; Bella was a mistake.’ He grimaced as he spoke her name. ‘I think I knew she was a mistake even when I was fucking– uh, making the mistake,’ he quickly amended, casting a guilty look in my direction. ‘I was disconnected and I wanted to feel something for little while.’ He sighed again. ‘I could see my friends and the lads on the team with girlfriends and all that shite. Like Hughie and Katie? Christ, even Gibs and Claire. And I don’t know, Shan, they all seemed so carefree, so fucking reckless about it, that I was jealous.’ He looked at me when he said, ‘It gets lonely when you’re traveling on one path and all of your friends are on another path together, and I guess I just craved some sort of connection with something or someone other than rugby. But it never happened for me.’ Straightening back up, he rested a hand on the mattress and turned to face me. ‘I just couldn’t, you know? I’ve never been able to connect with anyone like that.’ He shrugged helplessly, blue eyes locked on mine. ‘Until one day, I looked up from my life and there you were. All blue eyes and full of secrets.’ He cleared his throat several times before saying, ‘And I’ve never felt more connected.’
‘Johnny…’
‘No, hear me out, Shan,’ he hurried to say, resting a hand on mine. ‘I can only tell you what I know,’ he added, tone hoarse, eyes heated. ‘And that’s from the very first day you walked into my life, you changed me. That very first time I saw you? You sparked to life something inside of me.’ Releasing a heavy sigh, he shrugged, eyes locked on mine. ‘And I haven’t been the same since.’
My heart galloped wildly in my chest. ‘Really?’
He nodded slowly as a small smile crept across his face. ‘Boom.’
I blew out a shaky breath. ‘Boom.’
‘So, to answer all those fucked up thoughts in your pretty head, I don’t want Bella or anything even remotely like what I had with her,’ he continued. ‘I want what we have together. I want our friendship. I want your company. I want our conversations. I just want time with you. And I’m not in any rush. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t know where this is going, or when I’m kissing you that I’m looking for more than you’re ready to give. I won’t do that to you. I won’t take what you can’t give, and I won’t push, okay?’ He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. ‘Sex isn’t even important. It’s just one fucking part of it – a part that can wait for as long you want.’
He was right.
Oh god, he was totally right.
Mortification swamped me.
‘I don’t think I’m ready, Johnny,’ I whispered, cheeks flaming.
‘I know,’ he replied, smirking. ‘And that’s okay.’
There wasn’t an ounce of hesitation in his voice, and I clung to his certainty. ‘Okay,’ I croaked out, shifting closer.
‘You make me happy,’ he whispered. ‘I want to stick with that. I want to stick with you.’
‘Johnny…’ my voice trailed off as I contemplated the importance of what he’d just said. ‘You make me happy, too.’
‘And I think I owe you another pair of tights.’ He poked at the huge ladder in my tights and shrugged sheepishly. ‘Sorry.’
I smiled. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Smiling, he lifted his arm and I slid into the space. ‘I like where we are, Shan.’ His words curled around my heart like a comfort blanket. ‘We’ll get there when we get there,’ he added after a contented pause of silence. ‘I’m not in any hurry.’ I felt his lips brush the top of my head. ‘Not with you.’
