‘Do you think it will ever stop raining?’ I mused, staring out the windscreen at the heavy downpour.
It had been consistently raining all day, which wasn’t anything new for Ireland, but considering it was April, I’d been half hoping to see the sun soon.
The wind was howling outside the car; whipping against the windows with a thunderous whoosh. Shivering, I turned in my seat to look at the boy lazing in the driver’s seat next to me.
Johnny had his seat reclined at an almost horizontal angle and was sprawled out like a lion, using one hand to scroll through Gibsie’s iPod while he used his other to hold mine. His dark hair was plastered to his head, and his school shirt was so wet, it looked like a second layer of skin as it clung to his huge body. He’d long since shed his drenched coat and jumper, tossing them in the backseat along with mine, deciding we would dry off faster without so many layers.
He had the engine running again, something he did every half an hour or so to keep the windows from fogging up and warm up the car. The heater was on full blast, blowing delicious hot air against my damp skin, and the last haunting rift of Jim McCann’s Grace was humming softly from the stereo.
‘It’s been a long winter,’ Johnny agreed, flicking through songs before settling on Coldplay’s Yellow. ‘Hey – look at the name of this playlist.’ Snickering, he turned the screen of Gibsie’s iPod towards me. ‘The lad’s off his rocker.’
‘Fuck me, suck me, self-destruct with me,’ I mused, reading the playlist name on the screen. ‘Sounds very…’
‘Gibsie?’ Johnny offered with a shake of his head. ‘Yeah, that’ll be him alright.’
‘At least he’s original,’ I offered. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like him before.’
‘That’s because the world can only handle one Gerard Gibson,’ Johnny said with a chuckle. His hand moved to his thigh, almost absentmindedly, to rub where I knew he was sore.
‘Is it sore?’ Tightening my hold on the blanket he had found in the boot for me, I asked, ‘Are you feeling okay?’
‘No, Shan.’ Tossing the iPod on top of the dashboard, Johnny gave me his full attention. ‘I actually feel great.’ An indulgent smile tugged at his lips, causing the dimples in his cheeks to deepen. ‘Better than I have in months.’
‘Really?’ I beamed back at him. ‘So, I’m a good coach?’
Smirking, he raised my hand to his mouth and brushed his lips over my knuckles. ‘You’re one of a kind.’ Giving my fingers a gentle squeeze, he placed our joined hands back on his lap.
Repressing a full-body shiver, I turned back to stare out the window, sighing in contentment, as I watched the waves rising, foaming, and crashing against the cliffs.
Today…
God, today had been the best day.
When I woke up this morning, I was sure I would never smile again. Knowing that my father had a little over two weeks left in treatment before he was a free man had crippled something inside of me. It had doused the tiny flicker of hope I had been clinging to these past few weeks, as I adjusted to life without him. The letter he had written me was still unopened and tucked into the side pocket of my schoolbag. I wasn’t sure if I would ever read it, but I knew that I didn’t want to right now. I was so furious with myself for letting my guard down, for allowing myself to contemplate the possibility of a life without him in it.
When I arrived at school this morning, I hadn’t planned on seeking Johnny out. It just sort of happened. Without my brain’s permission, my feet had led me straight to him. When he opened that car door, I didn’t need to ask any questions before climbing inside, because I knew I would go anywhere with him. Whether he knew it or not, he had offered me a temporary lifeline and I had grabbed it with both hands.
And now we were here, at the beach, having stolen his best friend’s car to skip school and escape our hometown. We spent the day doing absolutely nothing and that meant absolutely everything to me.
‘Are you going to be in trouble?’ I asked. ‘When your parents find out you skipped?’ Evening was trickling in now, bringing with it a darkening sky and the stinging bite of the cold, night air. A prickling chill danced across my bare legs and I knew we would have to go soon. The thought was depressing, but I pushed it back, refusing to taint the best day of my life.
Johnny shrugged nonchalantly. ‘I’m always in trouble for something.’
My lips tipped up. ‘Me, too.’
‘We’re some pair, huh?’ he chuckled.
‘Yeah.’ Unsure of how to word my next sentence, I thought long and hard before giving up entirely on being tactful and just coming right out with it. ‘What happens in June?’ It was the question that had been driving me insane ever since Joey told me about his career. It was the question that made me feel close to catatonic mode every time I thought of him leaving. ‘With the rugby,’ I whispered, biting down on my bottom lip as I turned to look at him, chewing so hard that I could taste blood on my tongue. ‘What happens when you go away?’
Johnny was quiet for the longest time as his gaze flickered between my face and the steering wheel. Finally, he turned back to look at me. ‘That’s a long way off, Shan,’ he admitted honestly, blue eyes locked on mine. ‘And I don’t even know if I’ll make the squad –’
‘You’re going to make it,’ I cut in quietly. There wasn’t an ounce of hesitation in my voice. ‘I’m sure of it.’
He stared hard at me for the longest moment before tearing his gaze away and focusing on the roof of the car. ‘I wish I was so sure.’
‘Well, I’ll be sure enough for the both of us,’ I replied, squeezing his hand. ‘It’s going to happen.’ You’re going to leave. ‘You’re going to shine.’
He shook his head, brows furrowed. ‘I want it so fucking bad.’ Exhaling a pained sigh, he ran a hand through his rain-soaked hair and growled. ‘Since as far back as I can remember, that’s all I’ve wanted to do, you know?’
‘It’s going to happen for you,’ I said, trying to offer him a smidgen of the support he gave me daily.
‘I fucked myself over fairly significantly,’ he muttered. ‘I didn’t listen. I over-trained. I almost killed myself. If I make it –’ he paused to look at me, ‘it’ll be a miracle.’
‘No,’ I corrected. ‘When you make it, it’ll be years of hard work that paid off.’
‘You think I can do it?’
I nodded. ‘I know you can.’
He blew out a frustrated breath. ‘I just…want to be someone, you know? It doesn’t take any effort to be ordinary,’ he shared, his words coming fast and laced with the Dublin accent. ‘I don’t want to be ordinary, Shannon. I want to be extraordinary. I want to excel. But all of it – the training and the fucking grafting – it means nothing if I don’t make it back on the pitch soon.’ He dropped his gaze to stare at our joined hands and muttered, ‘It will have all been for nothing.’
‘What can I do?’ I squeezed out, desperate to help him. ‘Can I help?’
Johnny smirked. ‘Oh, like coach me again?’
‘If you want?’ I shrugged helplessly. ‘I just want to help you.’
‘You can stay with me,’ he replied, tone low, blue eyes achingly vulnerable. ‘Even if I don’t get the call.’
My chest burned so hard for him it was physically painful.
‘Oh, Johnny –’ Unable to stop myself, I hitched my skirt up so I could clamber across the console. Climbing onto his lap, I placed a knee on either side of his body before gently lowering myself down, careful not to hurt him. I was met with a wall of thick, unrelenting muscle. There was nothing soft about this boy. With the exception of his face, he was hard all over.
Johnny sat straight up; his hands automatically moving to my hips, tugging me closer. ‘What are you doing?’ he whispered, watching me through hooded eyes. He swallowed deeply, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat, as his hands drifted to my bare thighs, fingers flexing into my skin every time he drew in another breath. The heat from his hands caused a delicious shiver of warmth to roll through me as he trailed soft circles over my bare flesh with his calloused fingertips. ‘Shan?’
‘I’m here for Johnny the boy,’ I told him, cupping his face with my trembling hands. ‘Not Johnny the rugby player.’ Exhaling a shaky breath, I leaned closer and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth before pulling back to look in his eyes. ‘I’ll stay for both, but I’m only in love with one.’
He shuddered and closed his eyes. ‘You mean it.’ It wasn’t a question. ‘You really don’t care about it.’
I shook my head slowly, forcing myself to keep his gaze. ‘It’s not what I see when I look at you – it’s not what I have ever seen. I only want it for you because you want it for you,’ I added, voice hoarse. ‘But I’m here either way – rugby or no rugby…if you want me to be?’
‘Christ, Shan, you’re killing me,’ Johnny groaned, tugging on my hips so that we were chest to chest. My heart fluttered wildly; the feel of his chest rising and falling against mine too much to take. ‘If I make it, it won’t change a thing for us.’ Exhaling a low growl, he buried his face in the curve of my neck and inhaled deeply. ‘It won’t change me,’ he added, voice muffled, as his fingers trailed up and down my ribcage. ‘Or how I feel about you.’
‘Really?’ I breathed, moving my hands to rest on his broad shoulders. ‘You promise you won’t forget me when you’re a big star?’
Lifting his face to mine, he nodded slowly and whispered, ‘I promise.’
Unable to bear the aching need inside of my body a second longer, I snaked my hands into Johnny’s hair and dragged his face to mine. He came willingly and our lips crashed together, setting alight a burning trail of heat between my legs. With a low growl of approval, he clamped his hands around my thighs and thrust his tongue between my parted lips, taking the air from my lungs and setting my whole body on fire.
I could feel his erection straining against the fabric of his school trousers, pressing hard against me. Desperate for more contact, I arched my back and rocked my hips against his. ‘You’re so perfect,’ Johnny growled, lips brushing against mine as he spoke. ‘Your skin is so fucking smooth.’ Nuzzling my neck, he pressed a trail of hot, wet kisses up my neck, his tongue sweeping out to taste me, as his hands roamed over my legs. ‘I’ve wanted you for so long.’ Moaning, I sagged against him, rocking my hips and arching my neck into his face, shivering and shaking all over. ‘Fuck!’
I gripped his hair and tugged him closer, nails clawing and retracting like a kitten, as the need inside of me blossomed and burned. God, I loved his hair. It was cut tight around the sides and back, leaving a messy pile of unruly, disheveled, brown hair on top. It was usually styled in some fantastic way, but now that it was wet and I’d run my fingers through it half a dozen times, it looked even better.
Claiming my lips again, Johnny fell back on his seat and pulled me down with him. My school skirt rose up to pool at my stomach as we rocked and rubbed our bodies together in a frenzied sort of unison, but I didn’t care. Not one bit. All I cared about in this moment was keeping him with me.
I didn’t know what the future held for me and I wanted to make the most of every moment I got to spend with him. In two months, he would be gone. In two weeks, I could be gone. The tangent fear of the unknown was what catapulted me into action. If my dad came back… No!
Don’t think about it, Shannon.
Just be here in the moment with him.
Just absorb him.
His lips were soft, his smell addictive, and the feel of his body rubbing against mine in all the right spots was making me feel incredibly reckless. I felt like I was at the point where I didn’t know where I began and he ended.
My heart was beating so hard I was sure he could feel it as we pressed our bodies together. With my heart racing wildly in my chest and anxiety threatening to overwhelm me, I reached for the buttons of his shirt.
‘Wait, wait, wait –’ Breathless, Johnny craned his head back to look at me. His eyes were so dark there was hardly a hint of blue. Snatching my hand up, he held it to his chest and said, ‘What are you doing?’
I don’t know.
I have no idea.
‘Please just let me,’ I whispered, shocked at my own forwardness, but not taking it back.
‘Shan –’ His voice broke off and he groaned. ‘We talked about this…’
‘I know,’ I agreed, breathing hard and fast. ‘But I just…I want to see.’
‘Just see?’ He was breathing hard, his heart racing almost violently against his chest, as he drew in short breaths. ‘That’s what you want?’
Nodding, I sat up and placed my hands on his stomach. ‘I just want to see.’ With trembling hands, I reached for my shirt and fingered the buttons nervously. ‘Do you want to see?’ Feeling skittish, I unbuttoned the top three buttons of my shirt. ‘I’ll show you, too –’
‘Of course, I want to see,’ Johnny groaned, snatching my hand away from my shirt. ‘But if I see, I’ll take,’ he strangled out, jaw clenched tightly. ‘And I can’t be taking, baby, so please don’t fucking show me.’
‘I don’t mind,’ I breathed, heart racing violently. ‘I want you to see.’
‘Fuck!’ Inhaling several calming breaths through his nose, Johnny released my hands and dropped his hands to my thighs. ‘Go ahead.’ With a stiff nod, he added, ‘Take what you need.’
Releasing a ragged breath, I moved to unbutton his shirt, only to fumble over the first button.
Johnny remained perfectly still beneath me, with his blazing hot eyes burning holes in mine, and his chest rising and falling against my fingertips.
Steeling my resolve, I inhaled a deep breath, shook my hands out, and tried again, not stopping until I had his shirt open and pushed aside.
‘You’re so…’ My words broke off and I exhaled heavily, eyes glued to his ripped stomach. I had full permission to touch, to graze my fingertips over the hard plains of his abdominal muscles. And there were muscles everywhere. He was built like rock. I trailed my fingers down his stomach, watching with fascination as his muscles contracted under my touch.
‘I’m so what, Shan?’ Johnny asked, voice thick and gruff, as he lay sprawled beneath me on the reclined seat, with his hands clamped on my thighs. His hips were thrusting upwards in a slow, taunting rhythm, as he watched me watch him. ‘Hmm?’ His fingertips traced the edge of my knickers, slipping under the cotton waistband to trail soft circles over my hipbones. ‘What am I?’
My gaze drifted to his pecs, and then to the trail of dark hair from his belly button that disappeared beneath the waistband of his pants. Muscles and skin. Flesh and heat. That was all I could see. All I could feel. He was so big. So everything. ‘Beautiful,’ I finally breathed, my gaze flicking back to his. ‘You’re so beautiful.’
‘You’re making this hard for me, Shan.’ Sliding his tongue over his bottom lip, he hooked his fingers into the waistband of my knickers and dragged me down on his chest. ‘I need you to not look at me like that.’ Burying his face in my hair, he suckled on my neck, drawing a breathy gasp from my throat. ‘I’m trying to be good here.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I breathed, arching against him. I was aching for him in parts of my body I had never known existed before he explored, discovered, and claimed. ‘I just want…’ I wasn’t sure what I wanted. All I knew was this boy made everything better, he stopped the tornado of thoughts whirling around in my head, and I needed him to keep doing that.
Maybe I was addicted to him, and maybe it wasn’t healthy, my feelings for him certainly bordered on obsessive, but he was encouraging me with every flex of his hips and every thrust of his tongue, showing me that he wanted this just as badly as I did.
If I was doing this all wrong, then Johnny never complained. Instead, he groaned and moaned into my mouth in approval.
He started to touch me, slowly at first, and then more confidently, brushing the pads of this thumbs over my bare skin. When I felt his hands slide under my knickers, a jolt of excitement shot through me, making my movements more frantic and clumsy. ‘Is this okay?’ He palmed my ass and squeezed tightly. ‘Do you want me to stop?’
‘Don’t stop.’ I was painfully aware of the sheer size of him. I was so small in his arms. I was breakable to this boy and it was a troubling thought. He could destroy me in more ways than one. The thing was, I didn’t care what he did to my body so long as he left my heart intact. He could have and take whatever he wanted from me, I would gladly give it all to him, so long as I had a promise in blood that he would never hurt me so badly I wouldn’t repair. Because I knew I wouldn’t bounce back from this. From him. Curling my arms around his neck, I pressed my lips to his and choked out, ‘Don’t ever stop.’
Breathing hard, he sat straight up and roughly dragged me closer, causing us both to groan when our bodies aligned in the best possible way. ‘I love you,’ he whispered. ‘And I want you – badly. But I just… I don’t want to do anything to fuck this up,’ he added, tone deep and gravelly. ‘I can’t mess this up, Shan. I need this.’ Exhaling a ragged breath, he pressed his forehead to mine. ‘I meant it when I said I needed you for keeps.’
‘You remember saying that?’
He nodded slowly. ‘I remember.’
The air left my lungs in a sudden rush. ‘Good.’
‘I’m going to keep you,’ he whispered and his hot breath fanned my face. ‘If that’s okay?’
‘That’s definitely okay,’ I breathed, pressing my hand to his cheek. ‘I want you to keep me.’
He smiled, dimples deepening. ‘Thank fuck for that.’
Pressing a kiss to the curve of his swollen lips, I whispered, ‘I’ll keep you, too.’
‘Jesus.’ Shuddering, he dropped his head in the curve of my neck and groaned. ‘This is how I’m going to die,’ was his muffled response and it caused me to laugh. ‘Think it’s funny?’ he teased, lifting his head up to grin at me. ‘I’ll be taking you with me.’
God, I really hope you do…
‘But for now, I better take you home,’ he said with a resigned sigh. ‘Or else your Ma will have the Gards out looking for us.’
‘Oh.’ My heart plummeted into my stomach and my hold on his neck tightened. ‘Okay.’
‘It’s going to be okay,’ he coaxed, blue eyes locked on mine. ‘Whatever happens with your Da, you’re going to be okay.’
No, I wasn’t, but I forced a smile for his sake. ‘I know.’
‘Because you’re not on your own anymore,’ he whispered, wrapping me up in his arms so tightly that I didn’t care that I couldn’t breathe. I wanted the world to stop and let us both off because this, right here, was where I wanted to be – where I wanted to stay. ‘You have friends,’ he continued to whisper. ‘And you have me.’
His words gave me more comfort than I knew what to do with. He was big and strong and dangerously powerful. Given the chance, he could do some serious physical damage to my body. And still, I wasn’t fearful. I wasn’t wary. I didn’t have a hint of fear in my body.
‘I’m on your team,’ he added huskily. ‘Do you get that? I’m totally with you, Shannon Lynch. One call, that’s all you need to make, and I’ll come. I won’t let you down, and I won’t leave you alone in this. I promise.’
‘It’s just weird for me because I’ve never had someone in my corner before.’ Shivering, I added, ‘Not someone like you.’
‘I’m not in your corner, Shannon,’ Johnny replied in a gruff tone. ‘I’m standing right beside you.’
Oh god.
His words hit me deep.
Burying my face in his chest, I curled myself into the smallest ball I could and prayed for time to stand still just for a little while. ‘I bet you wish you had a normal girlfriend.’
‘Normal is boring,’ he replied. ‘And besides, I could say the same thing to you.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m hardly a normal boyfriend.’
‘I’m just saying that it would be easier for you if –’
‘Well, I don’t want easy, I want you,’ he cut me off by saying. ‘Just the way you are.’
My breath hitched in my throat. ‘Really?’
‘Really,’ he confirmed, not missing a beat. ‘Every part and every piece.’
I grimaced. ‘Even the broken parts?’
He winked. ‘Especially the broken parts.’
I paused then, listening to the song playing on the stereo, before a small laugh tore from my throat.
Johnny smirked. ‘Something funny?’
‘Proud Mary?’ I questioned, gesturing to the stereo. ‘How does he go from Grace, to Yellow, to Proud Mary?’
‘I know.’ Chuckling, he switched off the stereo and dropped back down on his back. ‘I think it’s a fair representation of what goes on in his head.’ He sighed and stroked my waist. ‘His head’s spinning constantly.’
‘Can I show you something?’ I asked then, as I climbed off his lap and slipped back into the passenger seat. ‘It’s…’ Letting my words trail off, I reached into my schoolbag at my feet and withdrew the folded-up envelope.
‘What’s that?’ Johnny asked with a frown as he re-buttoned his shirt. ‘Shan?’
‘It’s, uh…’ Holding it in my trembling hands, I unfolded it and looked at the scraggly handwriting before blowing out a sharp breath. ‘From my dad,’ I added before thrusting the envelope into his hands.
His brows furrowed as his eyes flicked between the envelope and me. ‘He wrote you a letter?’
I nodded. ‘He left one for all of us, but I can’t read mine.’
He frowned again, deeper this time. ‘Do you want…me to read it?’
‘I don’t think I want to know,’ I strangled out, feeling flighty. ‘I just…maybe if you read it, just to check?’
Johnny didn’t hesitate. His fingers ripped open the envelope, and with a steady hand, he held the piece of paper to his face, concentrating intently on whatever my father had written.
I watched as his shoulders stiffened and his cheeks reddened. ‘Is it bad?’ I squeezed out. ‘Is he mad at me?’
‘He said he’s sorry,’ he bit out through clenched teeth. ‘That he was sick, he’s seen the error of his ways, and he’s trying to make things right.’ Jaw ticking, he rolled his shoulders like he was trying to control himself before adding, ‘He said that he hopes in time that you can find it in your heart to forgive him, and you can all be a family again.’
My heart sank. ‘Oh.’
‘Yeah.’ Looking furious, Johnny refolded the letter and held it out for me.
I shook my head. ‘I don’t want that back.’
‘You sure?’
‘Positive,’ I strangled out. ‘Get rid of it.’
Nodding stiffly, Johnny reached into the glove box and withdrew a lighter. Torching the letter, he rolled down his window and tossed it out, letting the wind sweep it away.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered, relieved to have that piece of him gone from me. ‘He’s lying,’ I blurted out, feeling panicked. ‘You know that, right?’
Johnny nodded. ‘I know, baby.’
‘He doesn’t mean any of that,’ I heard myself say, desperate to make him understand. ‘This is a trick – this is something he’s been told to do.’ I shook my head, feeling distraught and frustrated. ‘He’s not sorry, Johnny –’ My voice cracked. ‘He’s never sorry.’
‘I’m not going to let him hurt you, Shannon.’ He was sitting poker straight in his seat, eyes trained on the windscreen, and gripping the steering wheel with such force that his knuckles had turned white. ‘I promise.’
I sighed heavily. ‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’
He turned to look at me. ‘Have I let you down yet?’
I shook my head. ‘N-no.’
He nodded stiffly, eyes blazing with heat. ‘Then believe me when I say that I won’t let him hurt you again,’ he repeated, reiterating every single word slowly. ‘Never again.’ He fastened his seatbelt and I did the same. ‘All I need you do is keep talking to me,’ he added, starting the engine. ‘Just keep letting me in.’ He turned to look at me. ‘And I’ll keep you safe.’
‘Okay,’ I breathed, watching him cautiously as he drove us away from the beach. ‘I will.’
