‘Shan, do you want to keep this?’ Darren asked the following Saturday afternoon, as he balanced on a ladder, holding a scraggly looking teddy bear out to me. ‘Or will we toss it?’
‘Toss it,’ I told him, taking the bear and shoving it into one of the overstuffed black bin bags in the landing.
‘You used to love that thing,’ he mused, sounding a little sad, as I tied a knot on the now full bag and tore another one off the roll. ‘You took it everywhere with you.’
‘I liked a lot of things, Darren,’ I agreed, opening the new bag up. ‘But I grew up.’
‘You used to like me,’ he muttered quietly.
‘And I’d like you again if you didn’t keep me stuck in this house,’ I snapped, flustered. ‘It’s Saturday.’
‘I know,’ he agreed with a sigh. ‘But I need your help cleaning out the attic. We need more space and if we clear it out, I can move up there and give Joey back his room.’
‘This is a joke,’ I muttered under my breath. ‘Our entire family is a joke.’
‘Is this about him?’ Darren asked. ‘Is this tantrum because you’re not allowed to go out with him?’
Yes. I hadn’t seen Johnny since school yesterday and I was growing agitated. All week, I’d only been able to spend lunch time with him, and I was quickly learning that wasn’t enough. Nothing ever seemed to be enough when it came to him. ‘No,’ I snapped, dragging my thoughts back to the present. ‘It’s because I am sick to death of being a prisoner in this house.’ Sighing heavily, I added, ‘I feel like I am shackled to the walls, Darren. I can’t stand it anymore.’
‘Well, skipping school to hang out with him isn’t going to do you any favors,’ my brother responded. ‘You were lucky I answered the call from your principal and not Mam,’ he added. ‘I covered for you, remember? Told him you were sick when you were off gallivanting around the countryside with him.’ When I didn’t respond, because quite frankly, I didn’t have any excuses, Darren sighed. ‘Come on, Shannon. It’s your junior cert year. You know you need to put your head down and study for those exams in June. And he shouldn’t be your crutch. It’s not healthy to get so attached to that lad – tempting as he is.’
‘He’s not my crutch,’ I strangled out. ‘He’s my boyfriend, and it’s okay to want to spend some time with him.’
‘Some time,’ Darren agreed. ‘Not all of your time.’
‘I don’t,’ I bit out. ‘I only get to see him at lunch.’
‘Well, boyfriend or not, you need to help out with packing these bags, because I can’t clean it all on my own,’ Darren replied in a dismissive tone. ‘Do something productive with your day, instead of wasting it pining after some young fella.’
‘Do you know how I’ve spent every single Saturday for the last six years?’ I asked, and then quickly continued before he had a chance to respond. ‘Cleaning, Darren. That’s how I’ve spent my Saturdays. Cleaning up after everyone in this house.’
Darren sighed heavily. ‘Shan, come on.’
‘No.’ Feeling bitter, I blew out a breath and planted my hands on my hips. ‘This isn’t fair. You promised things would be different when I came home from the hospital, but it’s not. Nothing changed. She’s still in there –’ I pointed to the closed bedroom door behind his back. ‘Hiding away from her responsibilities, while I’m still out here, cleaning up after everyone, and Joey is still dragging the boys along to their training and matches. The only difference now is that I have company.’ I gave him a meaningful look to let him know that he was the company. ‘That’s the only difference I can see here, Darren.’
‘Really? Because I see things a bit differently,’ he growled, climbing down from the ladder. ‘For a start, he’s not here. Second, the fridge and cupboards are full. Third, none of you are walking around the place covered in bruises –’
‘He’s still here, Darren,’ I shot back shakily. ‘He’s just after taking on another form.’
‘What are you trying to say, Shannon?’ he asked coldly. ‘Hmm?’ Looking furious, he crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. ‘Are you calling me our father?’
I shrugged, feeling guilty for what I had insinuated but unwilling to back down.
Darren laughed humorlessly. ‘You know what? Do whatever you want. Go out and get yourself pregnant for all I care. I’m done trying to smooth things over with you and the boys. In fact, I don’t know why I fucking bothered in the first place.’
I remained silent as he stalked past me and thundered down the staircase, and it wasn’t until the sound of the front door slamming filled my ears, that I exhaled the breath I had been holding in.
Furious with myself and life in general, I continued to bag up the old toys, clothes, and general brick-a-brac from the attic until the landing floor was cleared. I neatly piled all of the bags at the top of the stairs and then I did something that surprised me. I walked into my bedroom, grabbed my coat off the back of the door, and shrugged it on.
Clambering down the staircase with my heart in my mouth, I hurried through the hallway, falling over strewn toys and bits of Lego on my way. I was suffocating in this house. I was drowning in my own life. I needed to get out. I needed something. I just needed…to open the door.
Flinging the front door open, I barreled outside. Not stopping, I broke into a run, pushing my body to its limits, whizzing past the familiar line of houses, then taking a sharp turn to the right and legging it down the dark lane. With no destination in mind, I pulled the hood of my coat up and kept going, desperately seeking that addictive taste of freedom I longed for with each passing day.
Three hours and a spare change of dry clothes later, and I was curled up on Claire’s bed, with a mug of hot-chocolate balancing between my hands, and the end credits of Dirty Dancing playing on her television.
‘I love him,’ Claire sigh/swooned from her perch beside me. ‘I swear, I will never get over that man for as long as I live.’
‘I thought you loved Johnny Depp,’ Lizzie quipped from where she was lounging at the foot of the bed, flicking through a magazine. ‘Make your mind up, girl.’
‘I love them both,’ Claire sighed. ‘But Patrick was my first love, and you know how the sweet flame of first love burns forever.’
Lizzie rolled her eyes to the heavens, looking thoroughly unimpressed. ‘I don’t know how we’ve made it through eleven years of friendship.’
‘I missed this.’ I sighed in contentment and took a sip from my mug. ‘I missed you guys.’
‘We missed you, too,’ Lizzie replied. ‘I had to suffer the adventures of Thor and his cat on my own the last time I came over.’
‘Leave Gerard alone,’ Claire grumbled. ‘So he likes his cat. Big deal.’
‘He walks his cat.’ Lizzie rolled onto her side to gape at Claire. ‘With a glittery, jewel encrusted collar and lead.’ Narrowing her eyes, she said, ‘Please don’t tell me you think that’s normal.’
Claire shrugged. ‘I think it’s cute.’
‘Of course, you do – you think everything that big eejit does is cute,’ she shot back with a shake of her head. ‘What about you, Shan? What do you make of Gerard?’
‘I, uh…’ I looked at both girls before grinning sheepishly. ‘I think he’s great,’ I laughed. ‘I like his cat, too.’
Claire beamed and Lizzie groaned.
‘Shannon has to like him,’ Lizzie muttered. ‘He’s her boyfriend’s other half. Speaking of which, how is Captain Fantastic?’
‘He’s good,’ I replied, blushing beetroot red.
‘He’s good,’ both girls chimed in mockingly.
‘Oh my god!’ Claire squeaked. ‘I just thought of something.’ Springing to her feet, she padded over to the television and switched it off before swinging around to face us. ‘I love two Johnnys and Shannon loves another one!’ Shimmying around with excitement, her eyes danced with mischief as she said, ‘If that’s not fate, then I don’t know what is.’
‘You know what, Claire?’ Lizzie mused. ‘I take back everything I have ever said about you and Thor being a bad idea. I think you should totally go for it with him. You’re a match made in heaven.’
‘I know, right?’ Claire shot back with a smirk.
‘Ugh.’ Shuddering, Lizzie flicked the page of her magazine. ‘I can only imagine the children that would be created from that union – curly-blonde unicorn-babies.’
‘I do love unicorns,’ Claire offered.
‘Uh-huh,’ Lizzie drawled. ‘See, you’re halfway there already.’
‘How do you know if you’re going to have an or…’ I let my words trail off as I took in the sight of both girls gaping at me. ‘Uh, never mind.’
‘Finish it,’ Claire squealed, bouncing up and down. ‘An orrrrr….’
‘Gasm,’ I whispered, feeling my face burn.
‘You had an orgasm?’ Claire’s eyes bulged. ‘Shut the front door!’
‘Whoa,’ Lizzie muttered, looking begrudgingly impressed. ‘He’s fucking smooth.’
‘Did you see his willy?’ Claire demanded. ‘Oh my god, was it big? It’s big, right? Ugh, I bet he’s huge and you’re so tiny…’ Swallowing deeply, Claire waved a hand around in front of her face in dismay. ‘Oh god, I bet it hurt, didn’t it? How are you still in one piece?’
‘Calm down, miss I’m afraid of the D,’ Lizzie shot back before turning her gaze on me. ‘Did you have sex with him?’ Unlike earlier, she looked intrigued by the conversation now. ‘Oh my god, did he make you come your first time? Because that’s impressive.’
‘What?’ I shook my head. ‘No, no, I haven’t…I mean we haven’t…’
‘Did he go down on you?’ Lizzie asked instead. ‘Use his fingers?’
‘No,’ I choked out. ‘He just kissed me.’
Both girls looked disappointed with my response.
‘Just kissed you,’ Lizzie replied flatly. ‘Wow. He sounds exciting.’
‘Don’t be a bitch, Liz,’ Claire chimed in. ‘We’re not all fast movers.’ Smiling brightly, she nodded to me. ‘Keep going, Shan. Tell us about your kiss orgasm.’
Flustered, I began to explain how I felt the other day when Johnny and I were on her bed, and again when we were in his car, dutifully ignoring the eye-rolls from Lizzie as I spoke. I sat with him at lunch every day this week, and while we had kissed many times before and after school, they were nothing like those other times. When I was finished explaining, I looked to my friends for advice. ‘Is that normal?’
‘It sounds like you were close,’ Lizzie offered, interested once again. ‘And it also sounds like he’s a beast.’
I blushed and Claire snickered. ‘A beast.’
‘Imagine what he could do with those clothes off,’ Lizzie mused, smiling now. She was so pretty when she smiled. It was a rare thing nowadays, but when she smiled, it was wonderful. ‘I think you should ditch the clothes for your next dry humping session,’ she added. ‘And then report back to us.’
‘Yes.’ Claire nodded eagerly. ‘So Lizzie can give you some more of her experienced wisdom, while I listen in because I’m nosey.’
‘I’m not a whore, Claire,’ Lizzie grumbled. ‘Jesus.’
‘I know that,’ Claire hurried to assure. ‘But you’ve been with Pierce like a million times.’ Shrugging, she added, ‘We want to know about it.’
‘You don’t have to tell us, Liz,’ I mumbled.
‘Yes, she does.’ Claire shushed me before waggling her brows at Lizzie. ‘Tell us what you know, sensei.’
‘You don’t even have a boyfriend,’ Lizzie laughed.
‘So?’ Claire shot back, grinning. ‘I have an excellent imagination and an insatiable thirst for knowledge.’
‘Fine, fine.’ Hauling herself into a sitting position, Lizzie shook her head and smirked. ‘Do you remember that Shakira music video – the one Claire tormented us into learning the moves of back in sixth class?’
‘Vividly,’ I replied, cringing at the memory.
‘That was the best song,’ Claire replied, eyes bright and full of that relentless optimism.
‘Well, when you’re on top, it’s kind of like that.’ Her cheeks turned pink. ‘You just sort of grind and rock your hips and rotate.’
‘Whoa,’ Claire breathed. ‘I don’t know if I’d like that.’ Scrunching her nose up, she said, ‘I think I’d like to be on the bottom.’
‘You’d be surprised what you find you like,’ was all Lizzie replied.
I sighed heavily. ‘Johnny said he doesn’t want to have sex with me.’
‘What?’ Both girls gaped at me.
‘He said he doesn’t want to have sex with me,’ I repeated, mortified.
‘Who doesn’t want to have sex with you?’ Claire’s older brother Hughie stopped in the hallway and arched a brow. His eyes widened then. ‘Holy shit! You’re talking about Cap?’
‘No,’ I blurted out, horrified. ‘I mean, I don’t…I didn’t –’
‘Dammit, Claire,’ Lizzie snapped. ‘I told you to close your door when you came up with the hot chocolates.’
‘I didn’t expect perverts to be lurking around,’ Claire growled, narrowing her eyes at her brother. ‘Go away, creep.’
‘You’re all too young for that kind of talk,’ Hughie stated, casting a meaningful look towards his sister. ‘Especially you.’
‘Oh my god, we’re sixteen!’ Claire laughed. ‘And that’s rich coming from the boy whose headboard is positioned directly against my bedroom wall.’ Walking over to her dresser, Claire began to bang her palm down on the dresser in a hard rhythm. ‘Oh, yeah, baby, give it to me,’ she mimicked in a male voice. ‘Oh, Katie, I love what you do with your tongue –’
‘Claire,’ Hughie hissed in warning. ‘Pack it in.’
Unperturbed, Claire continued to mimic his voice, speeding up the banging. ‘Yes, baby. Now, now, I gotta pull out or I’m gonna cooooo–’
Hughie slammed the bedroom door shut just as Claire screamed, ‘Come!’ and all three of us erupted in laughter.
‘Fuck off,’ Hughie roared as the sound of his bedroom door slamming filled our ears.
‘What is it with brothers thinking they know everything?’ Claire snickered, flopping down on the bed. ‘Eejits.’
I nodded. ‘You can say that again.’
‘I think you should text him,’ Lizzie chuckled. ‘Johnny,’ she added when we both looked at her in confusion. ‘Text him with that disgustingly pink phone he bought you,’ she encouraged. ‘And see if he wants to…hang out?’
‘Oh yeah, that’s good.’ Claire waggled her brows. ‘Hang out.’
Excitement thrummed inside of me. ‘I don’t know.’ Pulling my phone out of my jeans pocket, I glanced at the screen and then back at my friends. ‘I’m not even supposed to be over here, guys.’
‘You’ve had a shitty week,’ Lizzie shot back. ‘One filled with way more drama than any of us could handle. I think you should text your boyfriend and spend Saturday night hanging out together.’
‘She’s making all the sense today, Shan,’ Claire agreed with a grin. ‘You’re already out, which means you’re already in trouble.’ Shrugging, she added. ‘Might as well make it worth it.’
‘What if he’s busy?’ I whispered, biting down on my lip.
‘He’s not,’ Claire chimed in. ‘He’s at the gym with Gerard.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because that’s where they were when he called me earlier,’ Claire replied. ‘And that’s where they’ll be until the place closes.’
I gaped. ‘All day?’
Claire rolled her eyes. ‘He’s your boyfriend, Shan. You should know that he spends every hour of his waking day working out.’ She flexed her bicep and kissed it before adding, ‘Chasing those gains.’
‘You’re so dumb,’ Lizzie chuckled.
‘It’s true,’ Claire laughed.
‘Text him,’ they both said in unison.
Inhaling a deep breath, I opened my messages and began to tap out a text message.
‘Ask him what he’s doing tonight,’ Lizzie said.
‘Oooh, see if he wants to go on a date?’ Claire added. ‘Oh, oh, you can get dressed here.’
‘I’ve sent it,’ I breathed, dropping my phone down on the bed.
Snatching up my phone, Lizzie read through my messages before narrowing her eyes at me. ‘Hi Johnny,’ she deadpanned. ‘That’s what you sent?’
I shrugged and clasped my hands together. ‘That’s okay, right?’
‘If you’re four,’ Lizzie grumbled. ‘No kiss at the end?’
I shrugged, feeling at a loss. ‘Is that bad?’
‘Not if you’re texting your brother,’ Claire offered with a sympathetic smile.
‘Oh my god, switch it off,’ I groaned, feeling sick. ‘Turn the phone off.’
Ping.
‘Ah, he texted you back,’ Claire squealed, snatching the phone out of Lizzie’s hand and climbing off the bed.
‘Hi baby,’ she began to read, only to stop and clutch her chest. ‘Oh sweet Jesus, he called her baby!’ Flopping back down on the bed, she added, ‘And he gave her two kisses at the end.’ She sighed in contentment. ‘I think I just had an orgasm.’
‘Give me that,’ Lizzie grumbled, swiping the phone back from Claire. ‘Hi baby, how are you doing? Can I call you later tonight? Kiss, kiss.’
My heart galloped wildly. ‘Tell him that he can call me,’ I said as I watched Lizzie type back a message. ‘Did you tell him he can?’ I asked when she set down the phone on her thigh. ‘Liz?’
Lizzie opened her mouth to respond but the phone pinged again before she could respond. Glancing down at the screen, she grinned deviously.
‘Oh my god.’ A shiver of unease rolled through me. ‘What did you do?’
‘I told him that instead of calling you tonight, he could pick you up from here.’ She winked before adding, ‘He’ll be here at eight, so you better get ready.’
‘Wait!’ Pressing my fingers to my temples, I forced myself to breathe slowly and not panic. ‘Just…give me a minute.’ I inhaled several deep, calming breaths before asking, ‘Is this a date?’
Claire nodded her head vigorously. Meanwhile, Lizzie looked at me like I was a brand-new species of human. ‘I don’t understand you, Shan,’ she sighed. ‘He’s your boyfriend. You spend half of lunch every day with his tongue down your throat. You’re meeting up with him on a Saturday night. Of course, it’s a date.’
‘Should I…get him something?’ I asked, feeling my heart rate spike.
‘No,’ Lizzie shot back, appalled. ‘Why would you?’
‘I don’t know!’ I flailed anxiously. ‘I’m just panicking, okay? What if he takes me somewhere? I don’t have any money.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does,’ I choked out. ‘It matters to me.’
‘You could make him a mixtape?’ Claire offered then. ‘Or a mix-CD for his car – if you wanted to give him something.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ Lizzie mused. ‘What are you going to put on it?’
‘I don’t know.’ Leaning back against the pillows, I sighed. ‘Maybe it’s a bad idea?’
‘No.’ Walking over to her desk, Claire grabbed her laptop. It’s a great idea,’ she assured me, inserting a disc into the slot on the side of her laptop. ‘Now do it.’
‘Do boys even like that sort of thing?’ I asked, fingers hovering over the keys. ‘Aoife’s always making mix CDs for Joey and he never listens to them.’
‘Well, Gerard makes them for me and I love them,’ Claire replied. ‘Give him your thoughts, Shan. Find your feelings in songs and reveal them to him.’
‘Is that what you do?’ Lizzie asked flatly.
‘All the time,’ Claire groaned. ‘And I know he listens to them.’ Sighing, she added, ‘He just chooses not to hear them.’
‘Oh, dear god,’ Lizzie muttered. ‘That boy’s a donkey.’
‘But Johnny’s not like that. He’ll listen, Shan. He always hears you. Oh here, take this –’ Tossing a permanent black marker at me, Claire smiled. ‘Write something down on the disc once you’re done, so he doesn’t mistake it for one of Gerard’s creations.’
‘You are so tiny, it’s sickening,’ Lizzie groaned an hour later. ‘If I didn’t eat a bite of food for the next year and a half, I still wouldn’t be your size.’
That would be the hunger, I begrudgingly thought. Be glad you’ve never felt those kinds of pains. ‘Do I look bad?’ I croaked out, feeling nervous, as I glanced down at my outfit. ‘Am I okay?’
‘No.’ She sighed and steered me towards the full-length mirror in the Biggs’s family bathroom. ‘You look amazing and perfect and I’m disgustingly jealous of you right now.’
‘Ta-da,’ Claire squeaked, waving around a foundation brush in her hand. ‘You look like a…like a…sexy bitch!’
Eyes locked on the mirror in front of me, I took in my appearance and blew out a shaky breath. ‘Whoa.’
‘I know,’ Claire agreed knowingly. ‘Hot stuff.’
‘I’m going to freeze,’ I whispered, taking in the sight of the halter-neck red dress Claire had practically wrestled me into. She told me it was a dress, but I knew she was lying because I specifically remembered admiring the same red halter-neck last month – when she wore it with jeans. To be fair, it was a dress on me, reaching mid-thigh. On the upside, it was snug and not hanging off my body like most things I wore.
‘The jacket will keep you warm,’ Lizzie corrected, flicking the black, leather jacket I was wearing.
‘And the skirt is for easier access,’ Claire snickered. ‘Just joking. Hey – what size shoe are you?’
‘I’m a three,’ I replied, watching myself warily in the mirror. My lips were blood red to match my dress and my eyes were smoky. My hair was tousled up in a purposefully-messy high pony-tail that still reached my elbow in length.
‘God, how unfair is that?’ Lizzie grumbled. ‘I would kill to have small feet.’
‘Mam’s a four. Hmm. Gimme a sec,’ Claire mumbled before darting out of the bathroom. She returned a few minutes later with a pair of black heels. ‘Perfect.’
I eyed the six-inch heels with caution. ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’
‘It’s a great idea,’ she coaxed and then dropped to her knees and shoved the shoes on my feet before I had a chance to object. ‘Good god, you’re like a Bratz Doll with those big, popping eyes and all that hair,’ she said excitedly, standing up to take in my appearance. ‘You’re so cute it hurts.’
‘Well, she’s not a doll, Claire,’ Lizzie reminded her. ‘She’s a person and she looks – stop it!’ Slapping the hairbrush Claire was inching towards me away, Lizzie smiled. ‘You look gorgeous, Shan.’
‘Are you sure I shouldn’t wear a bra?’ I asked, feeling self-conscious.
‘No,’ Claire huffed. ‘You should absolutely not wear a bra! It will ruin the whole outfit.’
‘Shan, if I could get away with not wearing a bra, then I would be roaming free 24/7,’ Lizzie said, squeezing my shoulder.
‘Me, too,’ Claire offered supportively. ‘Flaunt those itty-bitty-titties, girl.’
‘Don’t you think that’s a bit short?’ Hughie quizzed, cocking a brow as he leaned in the doorway of the bathroom. Frowning, he added, ‘I feel like I need to take off my jumper and put it on you.’
‘Shut up, Hugh!’ Claire growled. ‘Leave her alone.’
‘Fair enough.’ Holding his hands up in defeat, he said, ‘Now clear out of the bathroom, will ye? I need to get ready. I’m picking up Katie in half an hour.’
‘Katie…’ Claire mocked, fluttering her eyelashes. ‘Make sure you wash your willy for Katie.’
‘There is something very wrong with you,’ Hughie replied, scowling at his sister. ‘Mam and Dad brought the wrong baby home from the hospital.’ Turning to me, he added, ‘By the way, Johnny’s parked outside.’
My eyes widened. ‘H-he is?’
‘Yay – let’s go!’ Clapping, Claire butted Hughie out of the way with her hip. ‘I’m so excited.’
‘Calm down,’ Lizzie grumbled. ‘You’re not going.’
‘I’m a vicarious spirit,’ Claire replied. ‘I live for this stuff.’
