I had been lured into a false sense of security yesterday by the very people that had brought me into this world with promises of action. However, the minute I was helped back into my bed and the nurse was called, it became pretty clear to me that I had been duped. It became even clearer when I was told that a good night’s sleep in my own bed would clear my crazy thoughts.
Fuckers.
Sleep didn’t ease a damn thing in my mind. When I woke up this morning, it was to thoughts of Shannon and a rage so hot in my stomach that I was sure I would develop an ulcer.
My body was restless, my mind shot to hell, the entire drive home from Dublin. When we finally crossed the border and re-entered Cork, I swear, I had never been happier to return to the rebel country, which was beyond ironic considering I’d spent the last seven years plotting and scheming to get out of this place.
But things were different now.
I was different.
I had people to see and shit to attend to.
My first priority being Shannon.
In the past twenty-four hours, I had called the local Garda Station in Ballylaggin more times than I could count. After the seventh or eighth phone call with zero information being sent my way, relations had broken down between myself and Garda Daly, who had warned me that I was ‘skating on thin ice’ and to ‘call one more time if I wanted to spend the night in the barracks’.
I had plenty I wanted to say right back to him but my parents had confiscated both mine and Gibsie’s phones before I could cause any more damage.
Nobody was telling me a damn thing and that was the problem. All they had to say was ‘we checked on her and she’s fine’. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to hear and I would have been appeased. Instead, I received the standard, ‘we’re looking into it,’ and ‘I’m afraid we’re not at liberty to discuss this with you’ over and over again.
It was complete bullshit.
‘This is bullshit,’ I verbalized my feelings aloud when my father pulled the Mercedes up outside our house and not Shannon’s like I had been promised, before killing the engine. I should have known better than to trust a lawyer, especially when said lawyer dropped Gibsie home and then proceeded to take the back road to our house and not the main road to Ballylaggin town. ‘I need to see her.’
‘No,’ Mam answered for him as she turned in the passenger seat to give me a stern look. ‘You need to lie down and rest. Doctor’s orders.’
Resisting the urge to roar, I gripped the leather interior beneath me and hissed, ‘I’m fine.’
‘And we want you to stay that way,’ Mam agreed, ‘which is why you’re heading straight to bed.’
‘You’re not listening to me.’ Scrubbing my face with my hands, I shook my head and looked out the window at the rain hammering down outside. ‘Why is nobody fucking listening to me?’
‘Because you’ve been under the world of stress, Johnny,’ Dad explained calmly. ‘Not to mention the world of medication.’
‘Exactly.’ Smiling sympathetically at me, Mam added, ‘You’ve had a terrible setback with the rugby, love. It’s okay if you’re not feeling yourself right now.’
‘I know what I’m saying,’ I shot back, furious. ‘I know he’s hurting her.’
Mam groaned loudly and Dad turned in his seat, leveling me with a hard look. ‘Johnny, you’re throwing a lot of accusations around and you need to settle down before you get yourself into trouble.’
‘They’re not accusations when there’s proof,’ I spat, glaring back at him. ‘I have proof.’
My father rolled his eyes – literally fucking rolled his eyes at me. ‘Friday night, you were so delirious that you were convinced Pat Kenny was in the room with you. Saturday night, it was the Russian from the Rocky film.’
‘Sunday night, you accused the nurses of trying to poison you,’ Mam offered with a grimace.
‘Now, it’s Shannon’s father?’ Dad finished and expelled a frustrated breath. ‘What are we supposed to believe?’
‘You’re supposed to believe me,’ I growled. ‘Because I’m telling the bleeding truth, Da.’
Dad arched a disbelieving brow.
I threw my hands up, exasperated. ‘Obviously, I was wrong about Pat Kenny and the Russian – although the nurse’s trying to poison me is still up for debate.’ I shook my head, forcing myself to stay on track. ‘But I’m clearheaded now, and I’m telling you that I’m right about this – I’m right about him.’
‘Fine.’ Dad nodded stiffly. ‘You say you have proof. Show it to me.’
‘Oh, yeah,’ I sneered. ‘Let me just go pull Shannon’s body out of the boot for ya.’
‘Less of the attitude, Jonathon,’ Mam warned. ‘We’re trying to help you.’
‘And who’s helping Shannon?’ I demanded, voice cracking. ‘Who’s helping her?’
‘Johnny –’
‘I’m telling you both that if you don’t take me over there, I’ll find my own way.’
‘You’re not –’
‘I’m not a child,’ I roared, unbuckling my seatbelt and pushing open the car door. ‘I’m almost eighteen, dammit! So don’t push me into a corner and expect me not to push back.’ Grabbing my crutches, I clumsily maneuvered out of the car. ‘You may be unsure, but I know,’ I insisted. ‘I fucking know! And if you won’t help me, I’ll sort this myself.’
‘Where are you going?’ they both demanded in unison as they filed out of the car after me.
Ignoring them both, I leaned heavily on my crutches and wrestled with my pocket for my phone. Yanking it out, I unlocked the screen and dialed Gibsie’s number.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ Mam warned. ‘You’re not going anywhere –’
‘I need you to come and get me,’ I said the second Gibsie answered, not giving him a chance to greet me. ‘Please?’
‘Say no more,’ was his automatic response. ‘I’m already on the way.’
‘Thanks, lad.’ Ending the call, I gripped my phone with more force than necessary and stared right back at my parents who were gaping at me in disbelief. I knew why. This wasn’t me. I didn’t act like this. I didn’t speak to my parents like I just had. ‘I’m not a liar,’ I told them. ‘Never have been, never will be.’ Trembling, I added, ‘I know what I’ve seen – what I’ve heard. I’m right about this and you’re making a very dangerous mistake by not listening to me.’
‘We don’t think you’re a liar, Johnny,’ Mam sobbed. ‘But we are worried about you.’
‘And I’m worried about her,’ I tossed back, voice thick with emotion. Rain was hammering down on all of us, but I wasn’t moving. I couldn’t. ‘I’m terrified for her.’
‘Fine, I’ll make you an offer,’ Dad said, clearing his throat. ‘Go inside and lie down, and I’ll make some calls and see what I can find out.’
I slumped in relief. ‘Really?’
My father nodded and pushed his damp hair out of his eyes. ‘If you’re that concerned, I’ll drive down to the station myself and make some inquiries.’
‘You’re not fucking with me?’ I asked, mirroring his actions. ‘You’ll check on her?’
Dad nodded stiffly. ‘But I sincerely hope you’re wrong, son.’
‘Yeah,’ I croaked out, feeling my mother’s arm come around my waist. ‘Me, too –’
The sound of my phone ringing caused me to pause mid-sentence. Glancing down at my phone, I read Joey the Hurler flash across the screen and my blood began to boil.
‘Where the fuck have you been?’ I demanded the minute I accepted his call. ‘I’ve been calling you non-stop for days, Joey. Jesus Christ!’
‘Yeah, I know,’ he replied in what sounded like a hushed tone. ‘It’s been a complicated few days here.’
‘Complicated?’ I balked and almost smashed my phone. ‘Yeah, see that word doesn’t work for me,’ I snarled. ‘Complicated doesn’t explain or excuse the marks on your sister’s body.’ Staggering towards the car, I ignored the horrified looks etched on my parents’ faces and continued to rant, ‘Complicated doesn’t explain why she constantly flinches and cowers away from confrontation at school. And complicated doesn’t fucking explain why, when I asked her who was beating the shit out of her, she said your father!’
‘Johnny –’
‘You told me to tell your sister that there was a family emergency that day you left her at my house,’ I continued, interrupting him, unable to restrain myself as my rage consumed me. ‘Do you remember that? You told me to tell Shannon that her father was back. And do you know what happened, Joey? Do you know she did –’ I had to inhale several calming breaths before continuing, ‘She broke down and cried. She shook so fucking bad I didn’t know what to do to make it better! I couldn’t make it better! Because you lied to me. I asked you straight to your face who was hurting her and you lied to me!’
‘I didn’t lie,’ was his clipped response, and it only infuriated me further.
‘You didn’t tell me the truth,’ I snarled, furious. ‘I was standing right there, asking you, fucking begging you to just tell me what was happening to her and you didn’t!’
‘I couldn’t –’
‘You asked me to look after her, and then you took her away from me! You took her back to him,’ I roared, chest heaving.
‘Because I had no choice,’ he hissed. ‘You have no idea what I’ve been dealing with.’
‘That’s a cop-out answer,’ I spat, running a hand through my hair. ‘Everyone has a choice.’
‘And every fucker has an answer for every other fucker’s problem – until it’s their own fucking problem and then they’re fucked,’ Joey sneered. ‘You think you know, but you have no idea.’
‘This has been going on for years, hasn’t it?’ I demanded. ‘And you all just…buried it.’
‘It wasn’t an everyday thing,’ he snarled down the line. ‘Our old man has a drinking problem. I’m usually there to prevent shit going down. I try! I fucking try, okay? But I wasn’t on Saturday. I had training. I didn’t know – I didn’t expect anything to happen. How was I supposed to know? I thought she was safe. I thought she was in Dublin with you! His bad day is Wednesday –’
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I sneered, sinking down in the backseat of the car. ‘I wasn’t aware that he had a beating schedule! Is it only Wednesdays he likes to knock her around? Should I pick her up on Tuesdays and drop her back on Thursdays? Would that suit him?’
‘Listen to me –’
‘Where is she now?’ I demanded. ‘Are you with her? At your house? Is he there, too?’ I knew I was going to lose my mind if he gave me the wrong answer. In my mind, there was only one answer to this fucked up question. Their father needed to not be there. He needed to be as far away from her as humanly possible. I couldn’t fucking bear the thought of it. Putting his hands on her. Looking at her. Touching her… ‘Is he near her?’ I strangled out. ‘Has he touched her?’
‘Would you just stop talking and listen to–’
‘I should have trusted my gut,’ I spat, interrupting him again. ‘I knew there was something off about your family. I bleeding knew it. That night you came and picked her up? Everything inside of me was screaming to keep her with me. And instead of listening to the red flags shooting up in my head, instead of opening my goddamn eyes, I pushed it down. Because I kept thinking, no – no, this guy loves his sister. He wouldn’t stand by and let anything happen to her.’ I had to bite my knuckles to stop myself from driving my fist through the window of my father’s car. ‘More fool me!’
‘Fuck you, rich boy!’ he strangled out. ‘It’s easy for you to judge me. You’ve never seen hardship a day in your entitled life. I did everything I could for my family.’
‘Except for the right thing,’ I shot back, livid. ‘You are aware that’s how he has so much power over you, right?’ I gripped the phone tighter. ‘Keeping quiet solves nothing for you and everything for him!’
‘She’s sixteen, asshole!’ Joey roared down the line. ‘What do you think would have happened to Shannon if I went running to the Gards? She’d have been thrown into a care home, that’s what! And there’s more than just her to think about. I have three little brothers to look out for.’
I opened my mouth to protest and then quickly stopped.
He was right.
I dropped my head. ‘Fuck.’
‘Yeah. Fuck,’ Joey sneered. ‘This isn’t a movie, Kavanagh. This is our life. It’s real, it sucks, and you don’t know a damn thing about it. We’ve been in care. We’ve lived through that. For Christ’s sake, our brother was –’ he stopped short and exhaled a ragged breath. ‘We’ve been in the system, we know the score, so before you throw blame at me for not doing something, ask yourself why we would prefer to stay with him than go back!’
It took me a moment to absorb his words before speaking again. ‘Well, here’s what I do know. I know that I’m on the way to your house right now, and I know that if I find him there, if he’s anywhere near your sister, I’m going to bring the world of trouble to the scumbag’s doorstep –’
‘She’s not at the house, asshole,’ Joey erupted in my ear. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. She’s at the fucking hospital!’
My heart stopped dead in my chest.
‘I took her there myself on Saturday evening,’ he strangled out. ‘After our old man beat her to within an inch of her life for messing around with you. Some asshole teacher from Tommen called the house and reported that he found her getting off with you in a changing room, so fuck you back, Johnny Kavanagh. If this is on me, then it’s on you, too!’
The line went dead and I just sat there, numb to the bone, feeling a million different emotions invade my body, and stared blankly at the phone in my hands.
I could hear my parents talking rapidly to each other, but I couldn’t make sense of what they were saying. A few seconds later, my father climbed into the driver’s seat and cranked the engine.
‘I told you,’ I said, eyes locked on the back of his head as the car tore off down the driveway. ‘I’m not a liar.’
