Since it’s nearly one a.m., I didn’t expect my mother to still be awake when I walk into the house.
I should’ve known better.
She’s sitting on the sofa in her pajamas, legs curled under her, watching the television at a low volume, only the lamp on in the entire room.
“Oh, good, you’re…what is that?” she asks as she gets to her feet to come over to me.
Apparently, it’s still enough light that she sees my leather cut before I thought to take it off.
“Teagan?” she demands when I don’t answer her.
“It’s nothing. A stupid idea, but it’s over now,” I assure her. Removing the cut, I toss it to the floor before giving her a hug. She briefly returns the embrace before picking up the cut and holding it up in front of her face.
“Prospect? Teagan Jeanette Allen, are you out of your damn mind!”
“I told you it’s done and over, Mom. Forget it.”
“Oh, I wish I could forget the Savage Kings, but that’s impossible, isn’t it!” she yells. “This repulsive thing needs to be burned!”
“No!” I exclaim before I jerk it out of her hands. It’s stupid, but for some reason, I’m not ready to let go of it just yet. Of course, it also reminds me of Marcus, how he lied to me when he gave it to me. I had no idea either, thinking I was smarter than him, that I could manipulate him without catching feelings for him. Tears fill my eyes; and upon seeing them, my mom thankfully relents.
Sighing heavily, she says, “Sit down and tell me what happened.”
I nod and do just that, so exhausted I can barely keep standing up after how fast I had to get going earlier to find the U-Haul and load everything in it.
There have never been any secrets between my mom and I, so I start from the beginning with the prospect meeting, telling her pretty much everything other than the details of my new tattoo, the sex with Marcus, and his spankings. She wouldn’t understand that he didn’t do it to hurt me. I don’t think it was ever about that for him. No, I believe he just needed to have a little control over me to get off, so he took it where he could get it.
“Well,” my mom says as she leans back against the sofa after I finish up by telling her about what I learned when I went to the club tonight.
“Well?” I ask when she doesn’t say anything more.
“I may hate those bikers, but I do agree with Marcus,” she finally remarks.
“What?”
“I’m surprised actually. He wanted to keep you safe, the same thing I’ve been doing since before you were born.”
“But he had no right to lie to me! The whole time he made me think…”
“That you had screwed him into giving you everything that you wanted?” she finishes for me.
My jaw drops open at her assessment.
“Don’t try and deny it, Teagan. I know you. You’ve always thought women could just go out there in the world and use sex as a weapon to manipulate men because men only use women for sex. And maybe you’re right about men, but you’re forgetting something about women.”
“What did I forget?” I ask in confusion as I swipe the moisture away from underneath my eyes.
“That sex for women is different; it usually means more to us than it does to them. We can’t help ourselves. Being that intimate with someone, more than a time or two, well, it means developing feelings for the person no matter how hard we try to fight it. That’s how it works, at least for people who aren’t sociopaths.”
“Sex doesn’t have to turn into feelings,” I argue.
“No, maybe not always. But do you think I wanted to fall in love with your father even after he told me that the club would always come first, that he would never marry me or promise to even be faithful to me?” she asks. “I thought it was just great sex, too.”
“Mom,” I groan and bury my face in my hands.
“Before I knew it, it had already happened. I loved Roy, for better or for worse. And wishing those feelings away, trying to reason with the part of me that knew he would end up hurting me over and over again, didn’t work for me. They won’t work for you either. You’re not mad at Marcus for lying to you. You’re mad that you gave him the power to hurt you more than anyone has ever hurt you before.”
I didn’t think there was any more moisture in my body until I start crying again. Big, fat tears fall like all the ones before them earlier in the night because my mom is right. It wasn’t the lie. It was that it was Marcus who hurt me that’s so devastating. I can barely breathe when I think about it.
“Don’t worry,” Mom says as she takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Over time, some of those feelings start to fade, making it easier to try and move on.”
Yanking my hand away, I tell her, “You never moved on!”
“No, but Roy and I shared you. He was always a part of your life, so it was impossible for me to ever get over him. I thought…” she starts and then purses her lips.
“You thought what?” I ask.
“I thought that if he was out of sight, he would be out of my mind,” she explains. “I’m the reason your father didn’t come around as much as he wanted. It was just too painful to see him…”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I snap at her.
She shakes her head, and her fingers reach up to swipe away the tears under her eyes. “I told him he was a bad influence on you, and that I wanted him to stay away from you. He believed me and did as I asked, until you got old enough to go to him. I know I was stupid and selfish, Teagan. I wanted him all to myself, so I made him think that he was…that he was a bad father.”
I stare at my mother’s face because she’s a stranger to me right now. “I thought that he didn’t care about me, that he chose the club over us!”
“He did! He would have if it came down to it,” she says. “And in the end, it did. I’m sorry, Teagan, but if I hadn’t done what I did, losing him would have been even harder than it was.”
“Sorry? You’re sorry? That’s all you’re going to say about keeping my father out of my life during the few years he was alive, all because he didn’t love you back the way you wanted him to? God, you’re pathetic!” I tell her as I get to my feet.
“I was trying to protect you!”
“I am so sick of everyone treating me like I’m a defenseless child!” I shout at her before I head for the door.
I can’t be here anymore. And I won’t go back to Marcus’s, no matter how badly I may want to.
So, I guess I’ll be finding a hotel for tonight and who knows how many more.
