This is not fucking happening. That was the phrase that had been on repeat in my head from the moment Elena gripped her stomach and cried through the contraction that’d caught her off-guard. While Bree was in the shower, time seemed like it’d stopped—except for the time between Elena’s contractions.
I called for the ambulance first, Collin second, then messaged everyone else in the group chat for any clever ideas to figure out what the fuck to do next. Elena was well put together and was calming me down instead of the other way around, but when the contractions became unbearable, I darted up the stairs to beat down the door and interrupt Bree’s shower.
Collin was in surgery, no one was responding to my goddamn texts, so it was up to Breanne and me to safely get Elena to the hospital to deliver her baby. We had to focus, so staring at my phone, willing some-fucking-body on my side of the fence to get back to me, was the only thing I had left.
“I swear to God, Alex,” Elena’s voice reached a diabolical tone that was probably the only thing that could pull my eyes away from my phone. “I will shove that phone up your ass…” She paused and positioned her feet, pressing one into my ribs and the other, damn-near pinning my face against the car window. “Sideways…” she continued with agony in her voice.
“Alex, put the phone down,” Bree said dangerously with some lunatic smile on her face to show that she would kill me if I didn’t stop looking to the phone for help.
“Shit, that’s right. Jim, Avery, and Ash are on the yacht. They’re most likely in a dead—”
“You’re going to be dead,” Elena said through pants. “I’m serious as fuck when I say that.”
“Laney, you’re going to have to hold it in until we get to the hospital. The traffic will ease up or the ambulance—”
I was cut off when my face was pinned against the window again.
“Alex,” Breanne said. “Shut up and give me your stupid phone before I shove it up your ass sideways. Right now, we’re helping Elena, and we aren’t worrying about anything but her. A phone conversation is certainly not going to ease the contractions and stop this baby if it wants to come.” She looked at Henry, my driver. “Can you pull the car off the road as soon as a shoulder becomes available, please?”
“Yes, Ms. Stone,” he said. “At the moment, we’re not moving.”
Elena wailed a sound that told me we could likely welcome Baby Brooks in the backseat of this car. Here I was, a man who fixed shitty situations, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to fix this less-than-ideal way of giving birth.
“We’re so fucked,” I said without thinking how unsupportive that statement was. “Elena, you seriously have to wait and hold it in.”
Did I just fucking say that to a woman in labor, for God’s sake? I didn’t know what I was thinking, much less speaking, in this situation.
“Elena can’t hold in a baby,” Breanne growled. “It’s her uterus, not her bladder, you idiot.”
“Oh, shit…” Elena sounded off like a siren, silencing my comeback to Breanne, trying to defend my stupid statement.
Breanne arched an eyebrow at me to make sure my lips remained sealed. “All right, Elena.” She smiled sweetly at her, running a cloth over Elena’s forehead while the woman’s grip on Breanne’s arms was turning white. “We’re either going to make it to the hospital, or we’re going to work as a team to bring this precious baby into the world.” She looked down into Elena’s wide eyes. “Breathe with me,” she smiled. “I heard the hee-hee, hoo-hoo breathing method works. Let’s try it when the next contraction comes.”
“Okay,” Elena agreed, tears streaming down her face.
“Elena, I’m here,” I said, finally getting my head somewhat in the game. “Bree, she’s cutting off the blood supply to your arms. Why don’t we trade places?”
Elena’s feet went back to my cheek and into my ribs again.
“Wait until after the contraction,” Breanne advised, breathing with Elena. “Her contractions are getting closer, and we don’t need you passing out at the sight of blood if Elena suddenly feels the urge to push.”
We worked the first miracle of this backseat labor and delivery situation pretty damn good. Careful with her movements and with flawless ease, Bree set Elena’s head on a folded towel that she’d placed on my lap.
“This works perfectly.” I said the first words that came to my mind.
“Wonderful. As long as this is comfortable for you, Alex,” Elena laughed as she collapsed back, enjoying the short break before another contraction hit. “Oh…God…” she wailed. “Where’s Collin?”
“Elena,” I said as I instinctively worked to move to the other side of the back seat without hurting her, finding a better position to hold my best friend’s wife. “He’s in surgery, and he’s going to be one happy—” I was cut off when her fingernails dug into my forearms.
“Mother fuck,” I winced.
“Breathe, Elena. Let’s all breathe together,” Breanne said as if she were a broke businesswoman by day and a delivery nurse by night.
The breathing seemed to work to get traffic moving outside of the car and inside the birth canal.
“Oh, Lord,” Elena’s eyes were fearful as she looked up into mine. “I think I have to push?”
“You think?” I questioned her. “Elena, I don’t think…that you think…do you really think you want to do that right now? In the car?”
Goddamn it. I was a heartless, confused as hell son of a bitch at the moment, and I knew it with every foolish word that came out of my mouth. I couldn’t think straight, though. I was a man who was geared to handle everything with a phone call or an HR rep. I was by no means the kind of guy who was down to deliver a child in a car. It was a Saturday, for fuck’s sake. Why the hell was there traffic? Where the fuck were any of my friends?
Breanne’s eyes were lit with fire when they met mine, obviously because I was making everything worse, and none of my medical professional friends were calling our sorry asses back. “Grow a pair,” she mouthed as she worked to bust ass and keep Elena calm.
I was falling apart too. Here I was, doing the breathing with Breanne and Elena as if it would help me as well.
Breanne rolled her eyes at my dramatics then looked back at a panting Elena. “Sweetie, the baby is coming whether Alex thinks it should or not.” She smiled at Elena, who was nodding briskly with her as she gave Elena a serene look that even calmed me down. “So, let’s breathe through the contractions, and when you feel like you need to push, we’ll go nice and easy.”
“I can’t hurt our baby.” Elena started crying.
I rubbed the cool washcloth we’d snagged from the house over her forehead, only to see her frightened expression. This was the look I needed to help me fall into place where I was needed. I was instantly reminded of the look on Collin’s face when he found out Elena had miscarried Baby Jo, and now, I saw the look in Elena’s eyes, needing me to be here for her when Collin couldn’t. I wouldn’t let my best friend’s wife go through this alone. If he couldn’t be here for her, then it was my responsibility to do it for him. Whether I knew what I was doing or not, I was damn sure going to bring this baby into the world safely.
“You’re doing good, little mama,” I managed with a smile. “If the little tyke comes before we get to the hospital, you have the best team players working with you to make sure it all goes smoothly.”
I glanced up, and Breanne smiled at me—the dimpled one. Finally, I was doing something right while being thrown into the craziest situation of my fucking life.
Ring! Ring! Ring!
“That’s Collin’s ringtone,” I said while Elena caught a break between contractions again.
“Dude Looks like a Lady?” Breanne eyed me as I answered with a smile.
“Where’s Laney?” Collin demanded. “Your ass better be kidding—”
Elena screamed, moaned, and then scrunched her butt down in what I assumed was the fact she was ready to push.
“The baby is coming,” Elena shouted to Breanne. “Oh God, this isn’t happening!”
“It is happening, sweetie. It’s all okay.” Breanne reached for the towels she had me get before we left the house. “Alex, we’re going to need some help to push through contractions, and we need to know what to do when this baby has been delivered. I need you to either…”
“No-no-no-no-noooo.” Elena practically crossed her legs in protest.
“Hold on, Coll.” I looked at Elena. “Collin’s on the phone, so everything will be fine. If the baby is coming, neither hell nor high water is going to stop it.”
“Breathe,” Breanne said. “Loosen up. I need you to focus, or you will hurt the baby.”
“Jesus Christ!” Collin said. “Laney.”
“Yeah, she’s in the middle of having your child right now. She can’t talk,” I said, then Collin rang my phone on Facetime. “Bree, can you take my phone for—”
“Shut the fuck up and listen to me, Alex,” Collin said, stripping the surgical cap from his head. “Dr. Allen is in surgery, but I have been to every last Lamaze class and medical school for situations like this.” He was rightfully in his medical professional frame of mind. “Laney, baby, listen to me, okay?”
“I hate you for this,” she answered in a high-pitched squeal.
Breanne’s lips pinched together while I shrugged at Collin, who was suddenly the asshole in this equation.
“I love you,” Collin remained unaffected. “Now, when you feel the urge to push, I need you to bear down as we learned; remember that?”
“I remember not wanting to do this without pain meds…”
“That’s not an option, baby,” Collin said.
“Wrong choice of words, dick!” I said when Elena’s hands went way too close to my own dick while riding out her next painful contraction.
In the process of Collin realizing he was as fucking stupid as I was for trying to coach his wife—who was about to pop out a baby in a car—Elena ripped the phone from being held in front of her face for Collin to see her. “I’m sorry. I love you. It hurts so bad.”
“I’ll breathe with you, baby,” Collin said. “We’ve got this. Alex, is traffic moving at all? I heard the ambulance is stuck in it.”
“We’re moving some,” Breanne said as Elena dropped the phone and dug her nails into the upholstery of the car. As Henry parked in a turnout area, it became painfully clear that we were delivering this baby now. No ambulance, no hospital, just us misfits in a Rolls Royce birthing wagon.
“That’s it,” Breanne said, pulling Elena’s dress back and arranging towels across Elena’s stomach as if she’d done this before. “On the next contraction, I need you to push. Okay? I see a dark head of hair, and that’s a great sign that your baby is in the right position.”
“Holy shit.” I heard Collin’s muffled voice coming from my phone which was lost somewhere between Elena delivering a baby and the seat she was lying on.
“You’re doing great, kid,” I said, trying to cheer Elena on while I felt around for the phone.
“There we are,” Bree said with a beautiful smile as she stared at my friend’s wife’s vagina—not exactly a fantasy of mine, but here we were. “Okay, push with this next one. We’re almost to baby.”
A scream erupted from the car which should’ve shattered the windows.
“Just a little more,” Breanne said. “Next one, and then push hard.”
“Jesus, this baby doesn’t want to be born,” Elena collapsed back into my chest. “I don’t give up, easily, but I think I’m done.”
“The hell you are, champ,” I said. “You’re going to breathe and push out that baby. It’s probably stuck because it’s got its father’s big head, that’s all.”
“You’re right. It’s stuck. Oh, shit! My baby is stuck.”
“Elena Brooks!” I heard Collin’s firm voice coming from the phone, which was either wedged between the crack of the seat or the crack of Elena’s ass for all I knew. “Baby, you can do this.”
“I think…”
“Elena, you’re doing great. That’s it,” Breanne said in a cool, calm, and collected voice. “Keep pushing, sweetie.”
Elena gripped the headrest of the seat, her other hand drawing blood from clenching my leg, and the next thing I knew, I heard a soft cry come from the other side of the back seat. I looked up to see Breanne was intently focused, and in the towel that she’d draped in her arms was the tiny baby that Elena had just busted her ass to bring into this world on the side of the Pacific Coast Highway.
“Here, momma,” Breanne said, instantly laying the baby on Elena’s stomach, and Elena laughed and cried while rubbing the newborn on its back. “Here’s the warmer towel,” Bree said as she draped it over the baby. “Thanks to that heating pad, little baby Brooks will be nice and toasty until we get to the hospital.”
Breanne was fully attentive to everything while I collapsed against the car door. I watched in awe as two blue eyes peered up at Elena, her head leaning against my chest as she talked to the little man. While I witnessed Elena and her baby bonding for the first time, Breanne found the phone.
“Damn, I forgot about Collin,” I said.
Without a word to my patiently waiting friend, Bree turned the phone for him to see the visual that had to be the most beautiful sight Collin had ever seen. Elena massaged their son’s back, motherhood kicking right in as she kept their son breathing and healthy.
“Daddy, say hi to our baby boy.” She looked at the phone as if she’d planned this all out herself.
“Boy?” Collin’s eyes filled with tears as he covered his mouth and nearly brought the nurse who was waiting at his side into a chokehold. “Laney, he’s beautiful.”
I sat in awe, watching it all unfold. For the first time in my life, I could say with certainty that I’d witnessed a miracle.
“You’re both so beautiful,” Collin continued, and the baby’s bright blue eyes moved from Elena while she continued to urge the baby to cry to help it clear out its lungs. “Alex, dispatch just said the freeway is open, and the ambulance is close to you guys. Breanne, I can’t thank you enough. From the bottom of my heart, thank you,” Collin said.
“You’re thanking Breanne?” I countered, knowing we could joke now that no one’s life was on the line. “I almost lost my balls in this fiasco, and you’re thanking Breanne?”
“Who are you kidding? You didn’t have balls to lose from the moment we got into the car,” Bree teased.
I ignored her, Elena, and Collin laughing in unison. “You do realize you’ll be naming your son after me for this, correct?”
Collin smiled. “If Breanne is right,” I could hear the joy in Collin’s voice as he continued to be enamored by his beautiful son, “we’ll be naming him Alexandria,” Collin teased.
“The ambulance is here, buddy.” I opened my door as the paramedic approached and looked inside. “We just delivered—Shit. What time did we—”
“Eight thirty-three,” Collin said through the phone. “We’ve got the time of birth on our end, Medic.”
“Got it,” the guy responded, taking my place, and then both paramedics worked to put Elena and little baby Brooks on a gurney so they could haul ass to the hospital.
I ran toward the back of the ambulance and jumped inside. “Hey, sweetheart,” I said, smiling at Elena, “take the phone, or Collin will kick my ass. The paramedics can hang it up if he distracts them.” I winked as she reached for my face.
“Marry Breanne, please.”
“I think you’re on a baby-high.” I smiled. “We’ll be behind you. Now, get your butt to the hospital before Collin loses his shit.”
The ambulance hit its lights and sirens as it blasted down the highway, leaving me standing there in total shock that this had happened. I glanced at the open interstate and wondered why the fucking thing didn’t open up before poor Elena went through the pain of laboring in the back seat of my stupid Rolls.
I looked over at the car, and because I was in my distracted, selfish bastard mode, I saw that I’d left Breanne and Henry to clean out whatever mess was in the backseat.
I met Henry at the trunk where he’d loaded the soiled towels, and the very last thing I expected was for Breanne to squeal, take my face in her hands, and kiss my lips. She was filled with utter excitement, and she’d instantly shifted my excitement about a precious baby boy to her planting an unexpected kiss on my lips. That came out of nowhere, and I planned to jump on the back of this immediately.
Then, my phone rang. Incoming call from Jim…Fuck!
