Ishot up in bed, drenched in sweat, hands trembling, and my heart practically pounding in my head. My breaths were short, and if I didn’t calm the fuck down this instant, I was going to hyperventilate.
“Jesus Christ.” My head fell back against my pillows as I worked to steady my breathing. “Fuck!” I growled, frustrated that this crippling and terrorizing sleep disorder had returned for the third time this week.
I couldn’t lie here and stay in my drenched with sweat sheets for another second. I took a long shower, allowing the water to rain down over my tense muscles until they finally began to loosen. I hadn’t had this sleep phenomenon occur so frequently in a long time, though they were never far away.
As a young kid, I had no idea what to make of them. All I knew was that that it felt like the hell hounds were coming for me to drag me to hell where my dad insisted that I belonged. The terrors hadn’t changed for as long as I could remember. I would wake up terrified, not recalling my dream or whatever the fuck had happened while I slept to awaken me in this state.
I didn’t want to succumb to the notion that this was happening because I was finally happy, and this was the universe’s sick joke that I didn’t deserve it—a quick reminder that I was never too far from the darkness that’d haunted me since I was a boy.
I’d spent many nights out of the last two weeks with Bree either at my place or hers, and luckily, these nightmares hadn’t occurred when I was with her. At this rate, however, I was beginning to wonder when my luck would run out. The last thing I wanted was to stay away from her for the purpose of having my night terrors go unquestioned, but I’d found myself making small excuses to go home because I was afraid of this happening.
For the first time, I felt liberated from the belief that I wasn’t capable of loving someone, and that was the most significant breakthrough of my life. I’d embraced every ounce of the meaning of the word. I was in love with the woman and finally feeling something aside from being a cold-hearted dick.
Maybe the thing that increased these episodes was the fact that I was going to be flying to San Diego to see my sister. It was the only other reason I could think of that would kick my subconscious into this gear, waking me up in this panicked, trembling state so frequently. It’d never been the case before, but I was desperate to blame these on anything else.
I’d prepped for a week to be in San Diego. Most of my time there was to be spent meeting with a team of our architects on a job that was close to missing a deadline and costing the firm money.
I wasn’t expecting to see my sister on this trip, but she’d surprised me with a call yesterday, telling me she was home on leave with the Marines she flew with in Miramar.
So, I called Bree and asked her to hold down the fort for an extra day, so I could surprise my sister by standing with the families that waited for the jets to come in from the carrier.
I didn’t see my sister often when she was on leave for two reasons: one was because I didn’t live all that close to San Diego, and the other, more important reason was that we didn’t have much to talk about aside from how fucked we both would’ve been if she didn’t join the military, and I hadn’t gone to live with our grandfather.
Bree gladly took over our business in L.A. for the week, and even though I desperately wanted her to meet my sister, it was probably best that she stayed home since we didn’t have a VP to run things for an entire week. If there were any hang-ups because of contractors or bullshit regarding building permits, that was more in my wheelhouse to handle than Breanne’s. One thing was for sure, though; I was going to miss the hell out of that woman.
After the chopper ride down, I jumped into the car that awaited me, and I wasted no time getting to the marine aviation base in Miramar. My crazy morning that’d started by trying to kick my ass mentally had changed entirely when I was let through the gates and funneled into where family members awaited the arrival of their loved ones. I had to admit that, surprisingly, I was excited to see my sister. Part of me thought that maybe opening myself up to Bree meant opening myself up to feeling everything, all of my emotions. I had to be honest; I liked it. There was a sense of freedom that I felt in my soul. The only thing that concerned me about that was that my night terror was a reminder that the darkness was never far away.
I saw all the families waiting for their loved ones, especially the baby girl who was about to meet her father for the first time since he was deployed before she was born. The energy was electric with nerves of excitement and anticipation, and that energy was radiating through the entire hangar as we waited for the jets to fly in. This was what it was like to be there for a family member who’d left home to serve their country, to greet them with gratefulness and welcome them back home where they belonged.
Part of me felt bad that I was the only one Jane had to welcome her home after a long deployment, doing God knows what in her fighter jet overseas. This was the only time I’d ever stood out here and watched her come home. She’d never had anyone wait for her before, and the thought of that made me feel oddly horrible—mainly because it’d never even occurred to me until now that she was always doing this alone.
The sound of jets flying in formation at high speeds silenced the group. I watched as older couples clutched each other’s hands while their sons brought in their jets, and the reunion couldn’t seem to come fast enough for them. As I studied the beauty of the families who were there for their children, I realized that my sister deserved to have a healthy mom and dad waiting alongside me as she touched down and brought the fighter jet to a stop.
I watched this private air show in awe, the jets landing one after the other until they were all taxing along their runway, and we were able to stand outside with the marines who worked at the base. The soldiers were in stiff and sound formation, hands behind their backs as they welcomed home their family of fighter pilots.
I was honored to be related to one of the first women Marine fighter pilots and the only woman fighter pilot from this base. My sister wouldn’t settle for less when it came to getting what she wanted, though. She was an active-duty marine fighter pilot and Miramar’s first woman to be stationed on this base. I couldn’t have been prouder of her.
As the jets parked, you’d think I’d have been more fascinated with the super hornet she flew; instead, I was more thrilled that my sister was stepping out of that badass jet.
Jane walked in the center of the line of men as if she were their sister, and I smiled when I watched her cheerfully nudge an excited pilot at her side. She had no idea I was here, watching her with more pride than I could handle, and then our eyes locked.
I grinned when the other pilots took off to their loved ones, and Jane stopped with a look on her face that made me laugh in response. I knew my sister well enough to know that she was trying to figure out what had possessed me to show up to her homecoming.
Jane resumed her walk, and I met her with the same excitement and shock she carried that I was here. I was so damn proud, excited, and honored all at the same time, and that was expressed by meeting my laughing sister, hugging her, and spinning her in the air. She laughed harder at my dramatics, knowing I was most likely mimicking what was happening all around us.
“Put me down, you idiot!” she said and then raised her hand to my face and pinched my cheek. “Look at you, Alex Logan!”
“You know I hate when you talk to me like that. I’m about to leave you here.”
“That would just make me think that this was some crazy dream, one where my little brother actually came to greet me on base.”
I arched my eyebrow at her in her flight suit and gear, her curly blond hair pulled back tightly into a bun, looking every bit as badass as she was. “So, how was the flight in, Lieutenant O’Connor?”
She pulled her sunglasses back on and grinned. “The pilot sucked. I could’ve sworn that bitch was going to fuck up the landing and kill us all.”
I wrapped an arm around her neck, and she gripped my side. Damn, it was good to be with my sister again. I’d never felt this way before when she would return from deployment either. Fuck, maybe I was the damn tin man, and Bree had managed to pull a Dorothy and get me a heart from the Wizard of Oz finally.
“Hey, Genius,” she said to a man who’d just finished saluting a group of military men, “get your ass over here, and meet my baby brother.”
The tall man walked over and tucked his sunglasses into his jumpsuit pocket. “Nice to meet the only family member we know about,” he extended his hand and smirked at Jane. “Ace here thinks it’s funny to fuck around and claim our sorry asses as her family. That’s outside of you, of course. Alex, is it?”
“Ace?” I grinned at Jane. “Don’t you guys have to do some crazy shit to get these names?”
“She flies with an ace up her sleeve.” He grinned at Jane, and I could easily sense that he and Jane either had an intimate history or were in the middle of creating one. Unfortunately, Jane was a lot like me when it came to keeping people away emotionally. Well, like I was before Bree. Love was not a word that came out of our mouths, thanks to the fucked-up home life we both left behind. “We can’t even lock her ass in drills.”
“And Genius,” Jane seemed to blush when she smiled up at him. “Well, he’s just a goddamn Genius. He’s got the ultimate skill in everything.”
“I’ll bet,” I said to see how the two would respond.
Just as I’d imagined, my sister was fucking a Genius. The fact that Jane was blushing was as shocking as me stating that I was in love. She wasn’t giving me the man’s full name, though, so that meant he wouldn’t be in her bed for long, or this was as far as it went when it came to getting personal.
“I’m getting out of here and going for breakfast with my brother. I’ll see you tonight,” she said as she led me to walk away.
“Tonight? I gather Genius lives up to that name in bed, then?” I said, looking back at the guy while Jane elbowed me.
“None of your business, but because you stomached showing up out here amongst the family reunions, I’ll give you just a little. He’s a great companion in a world of living most of our lives deployed.”
“That’s all I needed.” I smiled at her. “You and the Genius can hash out the rest tonight while you’re banging in a hotel room.”
“He has a place here too, dick,” she laughed. “So, what brings my baby brother to Miramar?”
“I had to see it if I wanted to believe it finally. Shit, Jane, you’re a real fucking pilot.”
“Right?” She teased back. “It’s been ten years now, and I still almost lose my lunch when I pull the G’s.”
“Quit bragging. In fact, why don’t you retire from the military already and go join some fighter jet club like the Blue Angels so I can hitch a ride in one of those planes.”
“I have a friend who’s a Thunderbird, and he can take you for a joyride the next time they’re in town.”
“Finally, my sister is worth a damn to me.”
“No shit.”
Once Jane had changed into civilian clothing, we took off and followed each other to a restaurant in San Diego. After we finished eating at a hole-in-the-wall cafe, we sat at our table, sipping on coffee, and Jane finally asked what I knew her questioning eyes wanted to know.
“Who is the girl in your life, little bro?” She smiled. “I’ve never seen you smile this much. Then, you meet me at the base, and that whole spinning, theatrical hug?”
I sipped my coffee and smiled. “You know, I was just adding to the homecoming stuff, right? I couldn’t stand out there and look like we come from some basic family, could I?”
“Fair enough on that,” she grinned. “Seriously, though,” she cocked her head to the side, “you are different. What made you show up at the base? And don’t tell me it’s because the timing worked out either.”
“Fine,” I answered, knowing Jane wouldn’t leave it alone if I didn’t. “Her name is Breanne. And before you say anything, the answer is no. She’s not right for me.”
“Another gold digger, eh? Who was it last time? Ainsley? Halsey?”
“Haley,” I rolled my eyes. “Goddamn, that was a long time ago.”
“Why isn’t this one right for you? Still letting Paul’s words fuck up your way of thinking?”
My stomach clenched into a knot at the sound of my father’s name. “You know I only tolerate our surname when I see it written on your jumpsuit and because I respect your position in the military. I still think you should take it off the side of your plane and your respectable military clothing.”
“I know you do,” she smiled. “Answer the question about this woman who put a goofy grin on my brother’s face.”
“She’s my business partner. I have no idea why, but she’s got this way about her that…” I paused, not knowing how to explain.
“That,” Jane dragged out the word, “makes you think she’s not like any other chick you’ve dated, one who wants your money and status?”
“Seriously, Jane.”
“Hey, you chose that life by following our grandfather’s strict, silver-spoon ways and hanging around Howard Mitchell’s sons—all of those men only hang around the upper echelons of the wealthiest people. I know who rides in those circles, and Jim Mitchell being your best friend in college proved how you’d associate yourself once you got there too.” She took another sip of coffee. “I can’t blame you, though. I joined the military and left you and our little sister.” She frowned. “You know what? I’m being a bitch, and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” I said. “I think our reunions tend to bring it all back up again, no matter how hard we try to dodge the subject.”
“I want you happy, Alex,” she said. “I can see that happiness on your face, but I don’t want you hurt either.”
“I’m a grown-ass man. I ran a global empire with Jim for years and am doing a damn fine job of running my best friend’s late father’s architectural firm as well. I think I can handle a woman.”
“You’ve always thrown them away, though. I’ve never seen you happy because of one—as I said, you’ve changed. How long have you been with her?”
“Two weeks,” I announced the truth that widened Jane’s eyes.
“Are you in love?” she asked.
“That’s not a word you use. I guess I should send that question back to you and Genius-boy.”
“No, I haven’t changed. I’m not in-fucking-love, and I asked a serious question.”
“I guess I am,” I responded. I felt my defenses going up against my sister because she was calling me out on something she knew was ridiculous about me.
“Do you even know what the goddamn word means?” she said incredulously. I went to retaliate, but she stopped me. “Listen to me, Alex. Paul nearly destroyed you. The abuse, the mental attacks, the fucked-up way he handled everything about what happened that day. You were his punching bag, and he didn’t let up even an inch.”
“You don’t think I know that? I have the scars to prove it.”
“I know you know it, but have you moved past it?” she said. “You can’t love anyone unless you can forgive and move forward. Drinking yourself to blackout drunk, nearly beating dad’s ass to death after he went after mom that night, and grandfather taking you on from there? How did you rebound from that and fucking find love after two weeks of knowing someone?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Jane was striking me where she knew I could fucking crack, but she was a marine, and she’d walked through the fire to become the hardcore woman she was today.
“Are you trying to ruin this for me or save her?” I asked.
“Save her from you,” she answered, her eyes locked severely on mine. “How does this woman feel about you being in love with her? Does she know about your fucked-up past? Does she know everything, Alex?”
“No,” I seethed. “And why would I resurrect it to tell her? I don’t plan on bringing that to the surface again. Ever, goddamnit!” I was breaking, feeling my heart pounding in my head, and a severe headache was coming on while thinking about this shit. “Listen, she’s the best thing to happen to me, and I’ve allowed myself to feel for the first time in too goddamn long. So, shoot me for being fucking happy.”
Her harrowing expression softened. “I don’t mean to dig up shit from the past, but whenever I used to bring up a woman making you happy one day, you always told me that nothing would change what Paul ruined in you. I want you to find that happiness. My God, out of all the people in this world who deserve it, you do.”
“Then why are you trying to bring up everything I worked so hard to bury? Yes, at one point, I did fully believe myself to be capable of only basic emotions. The only people I cared about were my friends because I saw them as family. Even Jim only knows the bare minimum about my past, and I’ve been close with that man as if he were my brother for years. Nothing has threatened our friendship, though; in fact, my group of friends has become closer over the years. What I’m saying is that through it all, I’ve forged relationships and maintained them. Maybe I’m just getting old and sentimental, but for better or worse, I feel what I feel.”
“Maybe you have found the love you deserve.”
“A peaceful life, and a woman who makes me enjoy living it?”
“It can get a little exhausting,” she smirked, “just fucking and being vacant while you’re with someone. I get that.”
“It is,” I answered her. “And you deserve happiness too, Jane. It seems we lost Jenny in all of this, and even though you weren’t subjected to that man’s wrath, you seem to—”
“From the time you were five up until you left to live with grandfather, I had to watch you suffer the horrific and disgusting abuse from Paul, and that was enough to fuck with me. I was powerless to stop him or help you. All I could do was scream at our bitch of a mother, who allowed us to remain with him after he lost his shit and went off the rails. She should’ve taken all of us and left.”
“There’s a reason she stayed.”
“She’s a fucking bitch. What kind of mom allows her kids to endure that? What kind of mom watches her drunk as fuck husband brutally assault her boy, and then allow that little boy to believe it’s his fault?” Jane’s face was red with rage. “Fuck, why do we always come back to this conversation?” she sighed. “I love you, Alex Logan Grayson, and don’t you ever forget that.”
“Mom’s not doing well,” I told her.
Jane had already stood and grabbed the tab—as she always did when our conversations became too heavy, and we seemed to go round and round.
“Sarah O’Connor can suffer like she allowed us to suffer.” She bent to hug me. “I’m happy that you’re happy. I hope with all my heart that this works out for you. I just worry that if you let anyone close, they’ll pry into our family life, and they won’t like what they find. The Graysons hid this shit, and grandfather ensured the truth of what happened would stay hidden. Was that for your good or Grandfather Grayson’s good name?”
I stood with her. “I lived a life of hell since I was in kindergarten. My father hated me. I’m confused as fuck about it to this day, and Grandfather wouldn’t allow the conversation to take place.”
“I don’t know why he wouldn’t talk about it, even to ease your conscience. I don’t know what happened, Alex. I wasn’t fucking there.”
“Why can’t I remember what happened?”
“Grandfather left you most of his inheritance, cutting Sarah out of the will entirely, and that resulted in Paul hating you even more. You’d think with all that money, you’d be able to get someone to do a miracle on your brain so you can figure out all that shit on your own.”
“Money doesn’t work that way,” I answered her. “You can’t just buy your way out of a nightmare.”
“Really? Some people think money is the solution to everything.”
“You think the reason I busted my ass to sober up and make it to Oxford, graduating at the top of my class, was to snag an inheritance and have money be my solution to this fucked-up problem?” I asked, walking out of the diner with her.
She ran her hands through her thick, curly hair before she finally pulled it out of her face and into a ponytail. “Isn’t it? Isn’t that what dear Grandfather baited you with after he covered up everything with Paul and Sarah?”
“You know,” I said, standing next to her car, “I used to have these night terrors daily until our grandfather helped me close the book on our family drama and bust my ass in everything I did. I used sports as the first part of that, then my pursuit to be the best in college—which is how I met Jim and why we became close friends—and then in business.”
“It’s called burying your head in the sand.”
“You are a product of that too. You just found your way out of this mental fuck-show in a goddamn jet that can assist in getting the aggression out. But it seems when you’re on land, in my presence especially, you can’t cope either. And here I thought you were a badass marine.”
“You know what they teach us in those multi-million-dollar jets when we’re running combat drills?” she held me off and grew serious. “When there’s a lock on your ass, and you can’t shake it, it can all end as quickly as it started. In under a minute, I’ve had to get my enemy off my tail. I had no time to think, just work to shake the lock on me—thirty seconds to maneuver my way out of a life-threatening situation. I wasn’t thinking about how I’d save my ass; I was saving it. So, yeah, if you want to think less of me because I hate our family for what they did to you and the fact that I hate seeing you happy because I know it won’t fucking last, then whatever. I slammed the door shut on all of it, and I work my ass off to serve my country. My real family is the Marines. I love them, and I love how I’m constantly pushing myself to be better and do better by every one of them. I hope the way you throw yourself into rigorous work is enough, that’s all.”
For the first time in my life, after having yet another shitty conversation with my sister, I felt sad for both of us. We couldn’t speak to each other because we’d never been given a chance to have a relationship as brother and sister outside of our messed-up family. We didn’t know each other outside of that nightmare, and when we tried to reunite, knowing that we both loved each other, the only thing the two of us could talk about was our trauma
Her true family was with her brothers and sisters on that base and that aircraft carrier. I was just blood relation, as she was to me. I had to let this go because I hated the pain it suddenly caused me. I wasn’t about to destroy what I’d felt about Bree because my sister and I couldn’t hold a civilized conversation if we tried. Fuck. I hated this, but I was also inwardly thankful she had her military family, and I had a family with my friends. Jane and I didn’t need each other. We just put on a brave face every time we met.
“I love you, Alex. I hope it all works out for you.”
“I’m glad you got yourself out of a deadly scenario,” I answered. “Well, this went the way it always does.”
“I know,” she patted my cheek. “Now, go do what you do best. You were down here for work, right?”
“Right,” I said. “I guess we’ll see if we get another chance to meet up again on another time.”
“We always do.” She grinned and then got in the car and drove out of the parking lot.
I had to hold onto the happiness I had with Breanne, the feelings of love and being loved for the first time. I wouldn’t allow any of it to go to waste—no way in hell. I was moving forward whether or not Jane believed I could hang onto this like she could hang onto her plane.
All I wanted now was to be in Bree’s arms, but I knew I had to detox from this conversation first, or I’d be spilling my guts to her.
Just when I thought the thought, my phone buzzed.
Bree: Surprise! I finally met your friends, and we had a pretty fantastic flight to San Diego.
What the fuck? Bree texted the hotel where they were headed and where to meet them for Elena’s tuna sandwich picnic, and I knew they were all here. All here, and there was no shoving down the confusion, anger, and sadness I felt after my conversation had gone to hell with my sister.
I needed to switch gears, or Bree would see right through me the second she saw my face.
