JENNIE
Something’s short-circuiting, and I think it’s my brain.
“I think you said…no, because you…Garrett, I think you accidentally just said—”
“I’m in love with you,” he finishes for me, which is great. Pretty sure we’re about to do that thing where we switch spots, where he becomes the confident one and me the mindless rambler.
I don’t know how it’s possible for my heart to beat as fast as it is, but there it goes, galloping away. My throat keeps squeezing, and I don’t know how to get my words out.
“Are you…Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been surer of anything.” His words are tender, like the fingers he presses to my jaw, forbidding me from looking away. “I love you, Jennie.”
Nobody’s ever loved me before, not like this. And to be loved by the only person I want to love me…I can’t wrap my head around it.
“Maybe you could, like…” I draw in a sniffle, rubbing furiously at my eye while gripping Garrett’s forearm so I don’t do something ridiculous, like fall straight to my ass. “Say it again.”
There’s that smile, breathtaking, goofy, just the right amount of arrogance. With my face in his hands, he sweeps the tears from below my eyes and whispers, “I love you.”
No. Nope. Now’s not the time for strange, choking sounds, Jennie. Be cool.
“Again?”
“I love you.” He presses a kiss to my cheek. “I love you.” The other cheek. “And once more, Jennie, for good measure. I fucking love you.”
“I’m not crying,” I cry. “Just in case you were wondering.” I choke out a pathetic sob. “It’s allergy season.”
“It’s February.”
“Shut up.”
Garrett laughs, pulling me into his embrace. He’s warm and solid, and I can’t wrap my head around how ferociously I missed him when he wasn’t even gone long.
“But what about Susie?”
He shifts back, holding my stare. “I took Susie outside, told her I was in love with the brunette who fell off her chair and then whacked her head off mine, but that I hadn’t even told her yet because I’m a dumbass. Then I said you’d call me a twat-waffle, not a dumbass.” Broad fingertips sweep over my cheekbone, brushing away wisps of hair. “There’s nobody else, Jennie. There never has been and never will be.”
“But why?”
He frowns. “Why do I love you?”
I nod. What does he see that no one else ever saw? What does he love that everyone else thought was too complicated, too time-consuming?
“Hmm.” He scoops me up and carries me to the kitchen island, setting me on top. He steps between my legs, bracketing my body with his hands on the countertop. “The short and simple answer is why not? There’s nothing I don’t love. But I think you need to know all the reasons, and I came prepared.” He winks, tapping his temple. “Got ’em locked up here in my Jennie bank.”
“Jennie bank?”
“Like spank bank, except all things Jennie.”
Giggling, I swipe the remainder of my allergies from my cheeks before slinging my arms over his shoulders. “Okay, have at it.”
“I love your toys.”
I shove him away. “Not a good start, you donkey.”
Laughing, he reclaims his spot between my legs, draping my arms around him again. “You didn’t let me finish. So impatient. I love that you took your satisfaction into your own hands. That you created boundaries for yourself and explored within them. I think it’s sexy, not because of what’s in your drawer, but because you’re not afraid to be the person who makes yourself feel good.”
“Good save, big guy.”
“Circling back to your impatience…I love that too. It’s not selfish or tiring, but the opposite. You’re so genuinely hyped up about so many things that you want to take them into your hands right away. It makes me want to experience everything with you. Your happiness is addicting.”
My face heats, teeth tugging at my lower lip. “Go on.”
“I wanted you to let me in so long ago.” He cups my cheek when my face falls at his quiet words. “Because I wanted to know everything, Jennie. Why you sometimes shut down on me, why you were against things like sex, and didn’t have many friends. But I realize now that’s not what I really wanted. You made me practice patience, and in doing so I learned to trust you, to trust myself a little more. Your walls were there for a reason, and you didn’t let me push you into tearing them down on my own schedule.”
He smiles. “I like that your walls were there. You committed to knowing yourself better than anyone before letting someone else in, and I admire that. So many people have shallow, empty relationships because they don’t really know themselves. But I only know you so well because you do, because you’re able to be unapologetically yourself.”
Hooking my legs around his hips, I tug him closer. “You think you know me?”
“Mhmm. You scream when you’re angry and cry when you’re sad. But you also cry when you’re angry and scream when you’re sad. You’re embarrassed when you cry because you think it makes you weak, but I think showing your soft side is strong and brave, and I wish more people did it, me included. You’re quiet when you’re overwhelmed or scared, and you hold my hand the most then too. You’re honest and loud and you’re your own biggest fan when it comes to dance, but I wish you were your biggest fan about all the other stuff too. Your favorite way to snuggle is with your cheek on my chest and your leg shoved between mine, and I think sharing Dunkaroos with you on the couch or getting my ass kicked on repeat to Just Dance is my favorite thing in the world. You make me laugh more than anyone ever has, and you have the oddest insults in the world and you—”
“Garrett?” I lay my hand on his cheek, guiding his gaze back to mine.
“Yeah?”
“How many more reasons do you have?”
He scratches his head. “Uh, I donno. I was going through all of them on the plane ride home today. It was six hours long, and I ran out of time.”
I snicker, because I believe it. Garrett’s painfully honest, if only because he’s the world’s shittiest liar. I don’t think he has the heart for it.
“Why were you on an airplane today? Where were you?”
He sets me on my feet and takes my hand, leading me to the couch where we sit together. He runs his fingers through his hair, looking lost, his expression pained, heavy, exhausted.
I rest my hand on his thigh. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, now it is. I think so, at least. I guess it started yesterday morning, on the flight home from Colorado. You came up in conversation, and Carter said you weren’t ready to date. Normally I blow off everything he says, but he said you told him you were happy alone, that you didn’t want anything to change or to be tied down to anyone. And you’re allowed to say that and feel it. We hadn’t talked about being anything else, but I guess with the date we were supposed to have tonight, I just thought that maybe…maybe you were ready.
“Then I lost Wi-Fi on the plane and I couldn’t text you, and by the time we landed, I had a bunch of missed calls from my sisters. My parents were fighting and my dad walked out with a bottle of booze. My sisters were scared and wanted me to come home, and the only person I wanted to talk to was you.” He peers at me from beneath his lashes. “I needed you, and you weren’t there.”
My chest tightens at the heartache in his voice. “I’m so sorry, Garrett.”
He shakes his head quickly. “Please don’t apologize. It’s not your fault, and I knew you were busy. But I let my fears get the best of me. I let myself think what we had meant more to me than it did to you.”
“That’s not true.” I lay my hand on his cheek, turning his face back to mine. “That’s not true,” I repeat. “What we have means everything to me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m here now.”
“When I saw Simon with his hands on you, when I heard you repeating everything I was afraid of, that we were nothing more than friends, that our relationship was just convenient…It tipped me over the edge. It felt like I was barely hanging on with my family stuff, and then…”
“And then you said you needed space.” It makes sense, but it doesn’t stop the pain from roaring back, and I clutch at my chest, right where it hurts.
Garrett places his hand on top of mine, pressing my palm to my heart. “I’m so sorry, Jennie. I was hurting and overwhelmed, and the longer I sat there by myself, the more I questioned everything. And I just…I don’t know. I fell, I think. My head was a mess, and I pushed you away because I couldn’t sort through my thoughts.”
I sit with his words for a moment before threading my fingers through his. “I forgive you.”
“You do?”
“That’s what friends do when they love each other, when they make mistakes and apologize. You forgave me for getting angry and running out on you the night we saw Kevin.”
Garrett’s gaze steals down to our clasped hands before lifting back to me. “You’re my best friend, Jennie, but I don’t want to be just friends anymore. I don’t want some of the benefits, I want all of them. I want all of you.”
“I’m already yours, Garrett, because of the friendship we built.”
“I like that.” He sweeps a kiss across my knuckles, then tells me about his short trip home. He tells me about finding his dad at the diner, how he was so angry for only a moment, until he saw how broken he was. He tells me why his dad was on the verge of relapsing, how they talked through it together, how he brought him home to his mom and curled up with his sisters.
“I’ve been asking them for years to move out here. This feels like the perfect opportunity for a fresh start. He said he’ll consider it, but who knows.” He shrugs. “I don’t want my sisters to have to call me when they need me. I want to be there all the time for them, and I don’t want to watch them grow up over FaceTime.”
“You’re a good big brother.”
His smiles softly before looking away, swallowing.
“Garrett? What else?”
He hesitates, licks his lips. “My dad’s made a lot of mistakes, more than I could ever keep count of. But what’s mattered to me is that he’s tried so hard to come out on the other side. He always tries to be better. I’m glad he was able to give my sisters the life he couldn’t give me, and I love him for that. But…do you hate him?”
I shift back, surprised. “Hate him? Why would I hate him?”
“Because…it could have easily been him behind the wheel.” He doesn’t need to clarify, to tell me what wheel, the one that killed my dad. “Somebody just like my dad took your dad away from you. I don’t know how to ask you to support him.”
My nose tingles, and I scrunch it in an effort to stave off the ache building in my chest. It manages to slip out the way it normally does, a single tear sneaking down the side of my face. When I reach for the locket that used to hang around my neck, finding nothing but skin, a second and a third tear fall too.
“Nobody can take him from me. I’ll always keep him with me. And you don’t need to ask me to support your dad. I support you and anyone you love, anyone who tries to be better than they were. Isn’t that life? Aren’t we all trying to be better than the version of ourselves we were yesterday?”
“Thank you.” His arms come around me, hugging me tightly to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t communicate better with you about how I was feeling and where I wanted things to go with us. Sometimes I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. I’ve always been better with actions, so I kinda…” He gestures at the gift bag he dropped at the door earlier. “I had this plan to let you know how much you mean to me.”
My hands clasp together at my chest and a squeal slips out. I like presents; sue me. “You can still show me.” I leap to my feet, dashing to the door. “And I got you something too.”
He groans and I roll my eyes, setting the gifts on the coffee table.
“It’s silly, really. Nothing special.” I shove the first box in his hands. “This one’s edible.”
“Better be edible underwear,” he grumbles, then grins as he slips off the ribbon and lifts the lid on the box of custom sugar cookies. Twelve hearts, twelve penises, and a whole lot of I heart your dick’s written all over them. He picks up one tiny penis cookie, examining it. “Not made to size, I see.”
“No, that was the smallest cookie cutter they had.”
Garrett snorts a laugh.
I thrust the next package into his chest, clapping eagerly. “Next!”
He pulls out the underwear inside, lips moving as he reads, and promptly falls forward with a burst of laughter.
I point at the bright yellow caution sign on the crotch, the words that read CAUTION: CHOKING HAZARD. “That’s you, big guy!”
“You are unbelievable.” He kisses my cheek, then reaches for the last box.
I elbow him out of the way, nabbing the box and hugging it to my chest. “You don’t have to open this one. It’s actually…it’s…it’s not for you. It got mixed in. It’s for Dublin.”
“You got the dog a Valentine’s gift?”
I press my lips together. “Mhmm.”
“I don’t believe you.” He snatches the gift away.
“Garrett!” I lunge at him, but he holds his palm against my collarbone, keeping me at bay. Then he twists, squishing me into the couch cushions with his back, essentially lying on top of me as he opens the small box. My ears burn when he pulls out the keychain, the small silver charm attached, a bear etched into the metal, standing on its hind legs, right below the sun. “It’s stupid,” I mumble. “Just, like…” I wave a hand around as he looks over his shoulder at me. “I don’t even know why I got it.”
He rolls off me and pulls me onto his lap. “I love it.” He hauls me forward by my nape, but pauses, mouth hovering above mine in question.
“Kiss me,” I whisper. “Please.”
The moment his lips touch mine, my sky explodes, fireworks that make the night glow. I sink into his touch, lips parting with a sigh, and his tongue sweeps inside, tentative, tender. He pulls back, kissing me once, twice more, then rests his forehead against mine, smiling.
“My turn.” Shifting me off his lap, he hands me the pink gift bag, dotted with gold foil hearts, the matching tissue paper, and chuckles, anxious and so utterly Garrett as he scratches his jaw. “I hope you like it.”
I pull out the first thing my fingers find below the tissue, a long, slim box, blushing velvet. The box creaks when I open it, and I trace the gold sunflower set on a dainty chain. “It’s beautiful, Garrett.”
“Open it,” he urges gently.
I pull the necklace from the box, turning the small flower between my fingers until I find the seam and coax it open. You are my sunshine is etched into one side, making me smile, but it’s the other side that brings out my gasp, has my heart leaping to my throat. Because my dad’s face and mine smile up at me.
“I know it’s not the same locket your dad got you. I tried to find it. I contacted the company, but they don’t make the same one anymore. So I got you this one because you’re my sunshine, and I think you were your dad’s too.”
I throw myself in his lap, knocking him to his back as tears blur my vision. “Thank you, Garrett. So much. This is the best gift ever.”
He chuckles. “Well, there’s one more, and you might love it more.”
“I doubt that.” I stick my hand into the tissue paper, feeling the softness of the object below. It’s plush but a little coarse at the same time, kind of cozy, like something that’s been well-loved. “I don’t think anything could top the—” My words fizzle, dying in my throat as I pull the stuffed animal from the bag. Its pink fur, once so bright, is pale and muted, just the way I remember, the white patch on its chest a little gray from years of dragging it everywhere, the black button eye on the left hanging loose.
I clutch my favorite bunny to my chest, inhaling the smell, the familiarity, welcoming the memories that flood my mind, and tears spill down my cheeks.
“Princess Bubblegum,” I weep into her fur. “You found her.”
“I thought maybe she fell out in the moving truck. I called the company and they let me go through the lost and found bin, but it wasn’t there. I went by the house one day and looked everywhere. Up and down the street, in the garden…I found her in the bushes by the road, half-buried in a pile of snow. She was all muddy, so I washed her up for you, and I hope—”
I crush my mouth to his, sinking my fingers in his hair, smooshing my stuffie between us. When I pull away, his cheeks glisten with my tears, lips red, hair a mess from my assault.
“This is the kindest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.”
“Yeah, well…” He rubs the back of his neck. “I’d do anything for you, Jennie.”
“’Cause I’m your sunshine?”
He nods. “The brightest.”
“And you love me?”
“I do. Wild, huh?”
I don’t answer him. Not with words anyway. Instead, I stand, pressing a kiss to Princess Bubblegum’s head before I tuck her on my bookshelf, right next to a picture of me and Dad. Then I take Garrett’s hand in mine and tow him down the hallway.
His palm grows damp, fingers clutching tightly at mine, a telltale sign of the nerves that grow with each step closer to my bedroom.
“We don’t have to do anything, Jennie. It’s not…I’m not, like…We don’t have to do anything.” The way he fumbles over his words when he’s anxious is one of my favorites of his traits. “I’m cool to just snuggle. And plus,” he chuckles, running his fingers through his hair when I yank him through the door, “I don’t have a condom.”
“That’s okay.”
“Okay.” His body deflates with a whooshing sigh. He sinks to the edge of the bed. “Grool.” He shakes his head, cringing. “Fuck. Cool. Cool.”
“I’ve been on the pill for a month and a half now.”
Aw, he’s so cute when he looks like he’s going to be sick.
