AOIFE
“IT’S BEEN OVER A WEEK,” Casey exclaimed, sliding onto the stool next to mine at our workstation in Biology on Friday. We were early for class, and, with the exception of a few stragglers at the other end of the lab, we were thankfully alone. “You have to tell him, Aoif.”
Keeping my eyes trained on my pencil case, I didn’t even try to stop my hands from shaking. They hadn’t stopped since my world fell around me. “I know.”
“And you have to go to the doctor.”
“I know.”
“I can make the appointment and go with you.”
I shook my head. “No.”
She sighed heavily. “Aoife.”
“I’m not ready, okay?” The tremor in my hand increased to the point where I couldn’t open the zip of my pencil case. “I’m just not.”
“You still have options, you know,” she said softly, reaching over to open my pencil case for me. “Fuck this country. There’s always England. We can get on a boat to Liverpool in the morning, if that’s what you want. If you want it to be over, then it can be.”
“I know,” I whispered, biting down on my lip.
“So, you have thought about it?”
“Of course I’ve thought about it.” Blinking back my tears, I nodded slowly. “It’s the best thing for both of us. I’m not stupid, Case, I know it’s what’s best in the long-term, but it’s too late for that.”
“It’s not too late,” she was quick to point out. “If we leave tomorrow—”
“No, no, it is for me, okay.“ Exhaling a ragged breath, I dropped my head in my hand and buried a sob. “I’ve thought about it and I can’t do it, Case. I just can’t, okay?”
“Okay,” she conceded, tone soothing “Okay, Aoif.”
Slowly exhaling, I concentrated on keeping my breathing even, deep and slow, and not giving into the panic clawing at my throat.
“So, you’re going to go through with this?” she said softly. “You’re really going to have Joey Lynch’s baby?”
Words failed me and I clenched my eyes shut, barely managing to nod my head.
“And keep it?” she asked cautiously. “You’re going to keep it?”
“Yeah,” I squeezed out, hand moving to rest on my stomach, only to think better of it and grip the desk instead. “I guess I am.”
“Then you have me,” she said, sliding her arm through mine, as the lab started to fill up with other students. “And I’ve got your back. Always.”
“We’re supposed to be going to the cinema tonight,” I told her in a shaky tone, eyes trained on the front of the room. “He texted me about it earlier.”
“Then maybe you guys can have a conversation afterwards,” she offered in a hopeful tone.
“He won’t be able to handle it, Case,” I whispered, teeth chattering from nerves. “He’ll go off the rails again.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.” Knees bopping anxiously, I blinked away another batch of tears. “It will wreck him. He’s been doing so well. Better than I could have imagined. And this? This will ruin him.”
“Either way, he has to be told,” she replied gently. “You know that, Aoif.”
“Yeah, I do.” I nodded weakly. “But my world is already collapsing around me. Can you blame me for wanting to delay that for him?”
“Well, don’t delay it too long,” she mumbled. “Because you’re starting to show.”
Those words were all it took for everything inside of my stomach to come rushing back up.
Bolting off my stool, I ran out of class, not stopping until I was on my knees in the girls bathroom, with my head in the bowl and my life in pieces around me.
