RUNNING FASTER than I ever had in my entire life, I sprinted the rest of the way home, with my heart gunning in my chest, and my mind freewheeling into overdrive.
It’s okay.
It won’t be that bad.
Just breathe.
I could see Ollie at the front door when I rounded the garden, waving wildly at me to hurry.
I knew he was screaming and tears were spilling down his cheeks, but I couldn’t make out a word of it.
The only sound in my head was the thundering roar of my pulse in my ears, as I staggered through the front door and followed a trail of blood into the kitchen.
It took me a moment for my brain to absorb what my eyes were seeing.
Blood smeared on the kitchen tiles.
Shannon limp of the floor.
Tadhg covering her body with his.
Blood on his face.
Mam standing in the kitchen screaming.
And him.
Him.
Standing in the middle of the carnage was our father.
My gear bag slipped off my shoulder, and the noise it made when it clattered to the floor seemed to awaken me from the trance-like daze I was suffocating in.
My throat felt like it had closed up.
My heart shriveled up and died in my chest.
My gaze flicked to Shannon once more, and the pain I felt when I took in the sight of her mangled body was too much to take.
It was all too fucking much.
“You fucking bastard!” The words tore from my lips like a battle cry, and I felt myself moving, barreling straight for him, my heart demanding vengeance. “You dirty fucking animal.”
“Joey, wait!”
I didn’t wait.
I couldn’t.
“Hit me.” Taking him to the ground with more force than I knew I was capable of I slammed his head against the hard tiles before quickly climbing back up and dragging the worthless piece of shit with me. “Come on, asshole. Hit someone your own fucking size.”
“Joey, please don’t—”
“Shut the fuck up,” I roared, losing my fucking mind when she tried to speak to me. My sister was lying in a heap on the floor and instead of going to her, she was trying to protect him. “You are the most pathetic excuse for a mother that ever walked the earth.”
Spitting piss and fire, he reared back and socked me in the jaw with his beefy fist. “You little shit.”
“Did you see that?” I demanded, not even feeling the pain now, as I glared at our mother. I knew it should hurt, his fist was like a goddamn bulldozer, but adrenalin was flooding my system, giving me strength, I had no right to possess. “Did you see him hit me?”
“I’ll put manners on you yet, boy,” Dad slurred, throwing another punch, but this time he missed, giving me giving me ample opportunity to return the gesture.
“Can’t you see what he’s doing to your children?” My fist connected with the bridge of his nose causing blood to spray all over the both of us, as he collapsed in a heap on his ass. “Are you fucking blind?”
“Joey, stop,” I heard my sister strangle out, but it was too late for words. “He’s not worth going to prison over.”
Because I couldn’t stop.
Not until I made him stop.
Forever.
He needed to be stopped.
I needed to make it all fucking stop.
“Joey, stop,” Mam begged. “You’re going to kill him.”
“Good!” My fists kept swinging of their own accord, in a frenzied blur of reckoning, as my knuckles ripped open and bled all over the both of us. As I let my heart do the thinking for once and finished him off.
If I did time for it, so be it.
Someone had to end this.
It had to be me.
“Joey, you…promised…” A small hand pulled at my arm, breaking my concentration. “You promised you’d…never…leave…me…”
Shannon’s voice broke through the red haze in my mind and I jerked backwards, letting my hands falls to my sides, as my sister’s voice continued to seep into my fucked-up brain.
Shannon.
Thump, thump, thump.
Shannon.
Thump, thump, thump.
Shannon.
Thump, thump, thump.
Numb to the bone, and with my mind reeling, I abruptly climbed off my father and stepped away.
“Teddy, oh god, Teddy,” Mam cried, rushing to his side. “What have you done?”
And there it was.
There she was.
Running straight to him.
It broke me.
Whatever held me together these past eighteen years splintered and spliced.
Eyes wild, I looked around me, trying to make sense of the war zone we had been raised in. The war zone I was standing in.
Blood and tears.
Pain and pressure.
It was too much.
“Ollie.” Turning my attention to where he was cowering beside Shannon, I crooked my finger and beckoned him. “Go upstairs and get Sean.”
Because I had no doubt that the baby was hiding under my bed.
I didn’t blame him.
I wanted to be under that bed with him.
“Why?”
“Because we’re leaving.” Trembling from head to toe, I said, “We are not staying in a house with that piece of shit a day longer.”
Thankfully, Ollie did as I asked, making a beeline for the stairs without the hint of hesitation.
“Tadhg. Go with Ollie.”
“But I—”
“Please,” I strangled out, chest heaving at the sight of the blood smeared all over his face. “Go upstairs and pack your bags, kid.”
After a ten second stare down, he relented and hurried for the stairs.
Only when the smaller children were out of sight could I focus on my sister.
I didn’t want to.
I wanted to run away and hide, but I forced myself to take in the sight of her mangled body.
“You’re okay,” I lied, dropping to my knees beside her, feeling more broken in this moment than any other in my living memory. “I’m here.” I gently lifted her into my arms. “I’m here, Shan.”
She slumped against me like a rag doll and panic seared me because I just knew that this time was worse.
This time, he’d damaged her worse than ever.
“You’re bleeding.” Mam was wailing. “Oh god, Teddy.”
That was all it took.
Those words were all it took for me to lose ahold of the small shrivel of self-restraint I had managed to garner. “Are you fucking blind? She is bleeding. Shannon. Your daughter!”
“Shannon.” Blinking rapidly like she was coming out of some sort of haze, Mam’s expression caved. “Oh baby, your face.”
“Don’t you dare oh baby her,” I snapped, carefully lifting my sister to her feet.
She wobbled and slumped against me like a newborn baby foal, and her lack of balance and coordination only increased my panic.
Because this was bad.
This was so fucking bad.
“You’re okay,” I continued to coax, as I carried her over to the table and set her down on a chair. “You’re okay. I’m here.” Snatching up a tea-towel, I pressed it to the side of her face where most of the blood seemed to be coming from. “I’m right here, Shan.”
“Shannon, I didn’t mean to—”
“Don’t fucking speak to her, creep!” I roared, taking a protective stance in front of the chair my sister was slumped on when that bastard tried to speak to her. “I will kill you. Do ya hear me? I will slit your fucking throat if you so much as look at my sister again!”
How dare he look at her?
How dare he fucking say he didn’t mean to hurt her?
Everything that man had ever done had been orchestrated with intentional malice and cruelty.
He was only sorry now because he knew as well as I did that he had gone too far this time.
He did something in this kitchen that couldn’t be hidden or buried.
It was over for him, and the bastard knew it.
Instead of feeling glad about that, I felt on edge.
Because Teddy Lynch was never more dangerous and unpredictable than when he was cornered, and right now, the bastard was backed in deep.
The boys returned to the kitchen a few moments later with their backpacks laden down with clothes and toys and I sagged in relief to see Sean’s unmarked face.
He was okay.
The baby is okay.
“Now, here’s how this is going to go,” I said when all three of my brothers rushed to stand behind me. “Either you find some maternal instinct deep inside that cold fucking heart of yours and put that bastard out for good,” I said, addressing our mother. “Or I’m taking these kids out of this house and they are never coming back.”
“Joey, I’m so sorry—”
“Don’t apologize,” I cut her off and snapped. “Protect your children and put him out.”
“Joey, I—”
“Make a choice, Mam.” I mentally willed her to do the right thing for once in her life. I knew she was scared. So was I. But these kids deserved better. She needed to be better, dammit, because this version of a mother wasn’t good enough to keep a litter of kittens safe. “Him or us!”
“Joey, if you just calm down for a moment—”
“Don’t you fucking dare try to talk your way out of this,” I seethed, feeling my heart crack with every second that ticked by that she didn’t choose us. “Just do the right thing for once in your fucking life and put him out!”
“Joey, can we just—”
“Him or us,” I bit out, teeth chattering from the pain clawing its way up my body that I was desperately trying to ignore. “Him or us, Mam.”
Silence.
Blank stares.
Nothing.
She just continued to sit by his side, staring vacantly up at me.
“I want you to know something,” I managed to say, fighting back the tears that were trying to fill my eyes. “I want you to know that I hate you right now more than I have ever hated him. I want you to know that you are no longer my mother – not that I ever had one of those to begin with.”
“Please…”
“No.” Sniffling back a sob, I shook my head and said, “From this moment on, you are dead to me. All of your shit, handle it yourself. The next time he hits you, I won’t be there to shield you. The next time he drinks all the money, and you can’t feed the kids or get the electricity switched back on, find some other asshole to get cash from. The next time he throws you down the staircase or breaks your fucking arm in one of his whiskey tantrums, I’ll turn a blind eye just like you did right here in this kitchen.”
“Joey.’
“From this day on, I won’t be there to protect you from him, just like you weren’t there to protect us.”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.” Climbing unsteadily to his feet, the prick attempted to threaten me. “You ungrateful little—”
“Don’t even think about speaking to me, you scummy piece of shit,” I roared, unwilling to dance a tango with him another second. “I might share your blood, but that’s as far as it goes. You and me are done, old man. You can burn in hell for all I care. In fact, I sincerely hope you do.”
“You think you can talk to me like that?” he seethed, wiping the blood from his face. “You need to settle the fuck down, boy.”
“You’re calling me boy?” I threw my head back and laughed humorlessly. “Me? The one who’s been raising your fucking kids for most of my life.” I gestured to the four children hiding behind me. “The one who’s been cleaning up both of your messes. Taking care of both of your responsibilities, picking up the slack for two worthless, piece of shit parents.” These were the very people who decided that I wouldn’t make a good father. Fucking hypocrites. “I might be only eighteen, but I’m more of a man than you’ll ever be.”
“Don’t push your luck, Joey. I’m warning ya.”
“Or fucking what?” I sneered, glaring back at him. “You’ll knock me around? Hit me? Kick me? Get your belt out? Take a hurley to my legs? Bust a bottle over my head? Terrorize me? Guess what? I’m not a scared little boy anymore, old man.” I shook my head in utter fucking contempt for the man. “I’m not a defenseless child, I’m not a scared teenage girl, and I’m not your battered wife. So, whatever you do to me, I can promise you that I’ll return tenfold.”
He knew this.
He knew that the only way to keep me down was to kill me.
Because I would never back down from him.
As long as there was air in my lungs, I would continue to stand my ground.
I would always fight back.
“Get out of my house,” he demanded, letting me know that he heard me loud and clear. “Now, boy!”
“Teddy, stop.” Mam hurried to intercept him. “You can’t—”
“Shut the fuck up, woman! I’ll break your face for ya. Do ya hear me?”
“You can’t throw him out,” she whimpered, cowering from him. “Please. He’s my son.”
“Oh, so now I’m your son?” I shook my head in disgust. It was too little too late. “Don’t do me any favors.”
“This is your fault, girl,” Dad accused then, turning his whiskey tantrum back on my sister. “Whoring around the fucking town. Making trouble for this family. You’re the problem in this—”
“Don’t even go there,” I seethed, blocking her from his view. “Keep your goddamn eyes off her.”
“It’s the truth,” he continued to goad, focusing on Shannon when he wasn’t getting anywhere with me.
You see, the blood I shed was the physical kind, but our father wanted more than that. He was starved for evidence of the mental anguish he inflicted upon us. It was something he would never drain from me, so he took it from my sister.
“You’re a waste of space and you always have been. I told your mother about ya, but she wouldn’t hear it. I knew, though. Even when you were small, I knew what kind you were. A fucking runt. Don’t know where ya came from.”
“That’s a lie, Teddy,” was my mother’s pathetic attempt to protect her. “Shannon, baby that’s not—”
“We never wanted you. Did ya know that? Your mother left you for a week in the hospital, debating whether or not to give ya up. Until the guilt got the better of her. But I never changed my mind. I couldn’t even stand the sight of ya, let alone love ya!”
“Shannon, don’t listen to him,” I warned, feeling her wilt at my side. He was getting into her head, just like he intended, and it was crippling me. See, he mightn’t be able to hurt me, but when he hurt her, it fucking shredded me. “It’s not true. The bastard’s unhinged. Just block it out. Do ya hear me, Shan? Block him out.”
“I didn’t want you either,” he tried again with me.
“My heart’s bleeding,” I spat, words dripping with sarcasm. He couldn’t hurt me with his words. Only the woman standing beside him could do that.
“Well, we feel the same about you,” Tadhg tossed out. “None of us want you!”
“Tadhg, be quiet,” I warned, feeling my panic rise when my little brother put himself directly in the line of fire. “I’ve got this.”
“No, I won’t be quiet, Joe,” he argued. “He’s the fucking problem in this family and he needs to hear it.”
I wholeheartedly agreed with him, but he needed to keep quiet and let me do the talking. I could take the shit our father threw. I could take the blows. Tadhg was just a little kid. He needed to stay in his lane and more importantly, stay unharmed.
“Get him out of my sight,” our father roared, gesturing to my brother. “Now, Marie. Get him out before I do away with the little bastard.”
“I’d like to see you fucking try,” I snarled, roughly shoving the mouthy little fucker behind me before he got himself in deeper. “Try it, old man.”
“No.” Mam stepped between us. “You need to go.”
“What did you say to me?” he snarled. “What the fuck did you say to me?”
“Leave,” Mam whispered breathlessly, looking like she was seconds away from face-planting the floor. “It’s over, Teddy. I’m done. We’re done. I can’t. I need you to go away.”
“You’re done? You think you’re leaving me? You’re mine, Marie. Do ya hear me? You’re fucking mine. Think you can throw me out? Walk away from me?”
“Just go! I want you gone, Teddy. Get out of our lives.”
You need to go.
I want you gone.
Get out of our lives.
She was directing the words at my father, but I didn’t feel a thing.
Because her words didn’t mean shit.
They were meaningless.
It was too little, too late.
The damage was done.
The time to stand up to him had long since passed.
Whatever move she made now was out of fear for herself, not fear for her kids.
“You think you have a life without me?” he continued to taunt her. “You are nothing without me, bitch. The only way you’re leaving me is in a box. I’ll kill ya before I let you leave me. Do ya hear me? I’ll burn this fucking house to the ground with you and your cunts in it before I let ya go!”
“Stop,” Ollie sobbed, clinging to my leg. “Make him stop. Please.”
“Are ya a girl now?” Dad sneered, glowering at his second youngest son. “Toughen up, Ollie, ya little bollox.”
“That’s enough, Teddy,” Mam tried again. “Get out.”
“This is my fucking house,” he doubled down and roared. “I’m going nowhere.”
“That’s fine,” I said in a strangely calm tone of voice, considering I felt anything but calm in this moment. “Ollie, go outside and take Sean with you.” Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed my phone and handed it to him. “Take this and phone Aoife, okay? Call her up and she’ll come get us.”
I hated dragging Molloy into this.
Fucking despised myself for dragging her back to this house.
But I didn’t have a choice.
I didn’t have anyone else.
She was it.
My entire lifeline.
She was my ride or die, and whether it was right or wrong, I knew she would come.
“No, no, no. Please, Joey. Don’t take them away from me.” Panic stricken, my mother rushed for me. “I told him to go. I told him, Joey.” Eyes wild with fear, she pulled on my hoodie, pleading with me to do something we both knew I couldn’t. “Of course, of course I choose you. Please don’t do this, please, Joey. Don’t take my children.”
“What good are you to them when you can’t keep them safe?” Every inch of my body shook and trembled as I fought against the desperate urge that I had to comfort her. I couldn’t do it again. Not this time. “You’re a fucking ghost in this house. You’re wallpaper, Mam. A mouse. You are not good for us.”
“Joey, wait, wait, please don’t do this.” Grabbing onto my hands, my mother dropped to her knees in front of me, and the move made me want to die. “Don’t take them from me.”
“I can’t leave them here,” I choked out, feeling too much for her, as my heart gunned in my chest. “And you’ve made your choice.”
She had.
Whether she denied it or not, she chose him.
She would always choose him.
But this time, I was choosing my siblings over her.
“You don’t understand,” she wailed. “You don’t see.”
“Then get up, Mam.” Tears filled my eyes, and it honestly felt like she stuck her hand through my chest and wrapped it around my heart. “Get up off your knees and walk out of this house with me.”
“I can’t.” She shook her head, eyes pleading. “He’ll kill me.”
He’ll kill them, too, I wanted to scream.
What part of that didn’t she get?
How the fuck could she justify keeping them in this house?
This wasn’t love.
This was sick.
She was as sick as him and I wanted no other part in this.
“Then die,” was all I replied.
“Let him go, Marie,” my old man commanded. “He’ll be back with this tail between his legs. Cunt is useless. Won’t survive a day on his own.”
“Shut up!” Throwing her hands up, my mother screamed at the top of her lungs. “Just shut up! This is all your fault. You’ve ruined my life. You’ve destroyed my children. You’re a fucking madman—”
He struck her so fast that I didn’t have time to react.
His fist connected with her face, and I watched as my mother hit the ground like a sack of spuds.
Crumbling onto her hands and knees just like a million other times in a million other arguments in the same damn kitchen.
“Think you can talk to me like that?” he sneered, towering over her. “You’re the worst of the lot, you fucking whore!”
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
“Keep your fucking hands off my mother,” I heard myself roar, reacting on a lifetime of instinct as I shoved him away from my mother’s broken body and moved straight for her. “Mam.”
I could feel myself breaking, my voice, my self-control, my heart.
All of it was just shattering into a million pieces.
I knelt down beside her, hating that she feared my touch almost as much as his when all I ever tried to do was shield her.
“Just walk away from him.” Pushing her hair out of her eyes, she looked so much like Shannon as she looked up at me. So frightened and child-like. “We’ll figure something out, okay? We’ll sort this, but we can’t stay here. I’ll take care of you.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he snarled, clamping a beefy hand on the back of my neck. “Think you know it all, boy? Think you’re better than me?” His touch brought with it a lifetime’s worth of horrendous memories and flashbacks. “Think you can take her away from me?” Overpowering me with strength, he forced me to my knees. “She’s going nowhere.” Increasing the pressure on the back of my neck, he pushed me onto my stomach. “I told you I’d put manners on you, ya ungrateful little bastard.” The weight he was pushing down on me was unsurmountable and rendered me completely fucking helpless against his assault. “Think you’re a man now, boy?” His knee dug into my back, and I had to bite back a scream when pain scorched through my already mangled back. “Show your mother what kind of man you are, crying on your knees like a little bitch!”
“Stop it,” Mam begged and pleaded. “Get off him, Teddy.”
“I’m more of a man than you,” I forced out, desperately trying to keep my face off the tiled floor he was intent on crushing me into.
“Oh, you think so?” Laughing cruelly, he knotted his hand in my hair and snapped my head back before roughly slamming my face into the tiles. “You’re a piece of shit, boy.”
Everything inside of me was eerily calm for the briefest of moments before the sudden rush of heat and pain coursed through my face, bringing with it the familiar metallic taste of blood in my mouth.
Forcing myself to fight back against his hold, I spat out a clump of blood and heaved against the tiles, desperately trying to buck him off my back.
Relentless, he reared my head back and smashed it back down again.
Again and again.
Over and over.
“Get off him. Teddy, you’re going to kill him.”
Dizziness engulfed me.
“Good. And you’re next, you turncoat whore.”
Pain ricocheted through me.
I could feel the bone in my nose twisting sideways from the brunt of his blows.
In a way, I was relieved because I thought this might finally be it.
It’s finally over.
“That all you got?” I snarled, still fighting against his unbreakable hold, because I would never give in to this man. He would have to stop my heart from pumping first. “You’re losing your touch, old man.”
It was only ever going to go one of two ways.
Either he was going to kill me, or I was going to kill him.
At least, if he finished it, I could rest.
I could just have peace.
Don’t you dare stop.
You’ve got a girl and a baby depending on you.
Get the fuck back up on your feet.
Don’t you dare leave her alone in this.
Furious, I kept fighting, kept goading, kept fucking going, until I somehow managed to twist my body sideways and drag him onto the floor with me.
But I was too weakened, my body too worn to fight him off.
Desperately fighting for my life, I tried to inflict as much pain as I could on him, but my hands felt like concrete blocks.
It was so hard to lift them, let alone throw a punch.
Getting the better of me once more, my father straddled my chest, and clamped his big hand around my throat, sealing my airways, and restricting my lungs.
I could hear the kids crying, I could hear Mam wailing, I knew Shannon needed help, but all I could think of in this moment was my girlfriend.
All of the bad shit I’d done, all of the horrible fucking situations I’d put her in down through the years.
I could feel the tears trickling down my cheeks as my body weakened.
I love you, I mentally told her. I’m sorry.
I gave it a fucking shot.
I wanted to close my eyes.
To just stop.
But something caught my eye in the haze.
Shannon caught my eye.
I could see her.
At the other side of the kitchen.
Slumped over and bleeding from her mouth.
Panic clawed at my gut.
She’s dying.
She’s dying.
Get up.
Get the fuck up and help her.
“Help…her,” I tried to scream, but my words were barely more than a whisper. “Fucking…help…her!”
“Get off my brother!” Tadhg’s scream infiltrated my mind moments before the pressure on my throat eased.
Gasping for air, I pulled and tore at the hand still wrapped around my throat. He wasn’t choking me anymore, but he hadn’t released me, either.
“Tadhg, put down the knife,” I heard my mother strangled out. Please, baby.”
“Fuck you,” he screamed back. “Get. Off. My. Brother.”
“Don’t be stupid, boy.”
“I’m not stupid, and I’m not Joey. I won’t stop just because Shannon says so.”
Light headed and exhausted from the exertion it was taking to keep my heart beating, I swung my bleary-eyed gaze to where my little brother had a knife pressed to our father’s throat, with the sharp tip pressed precariously close to his jugular.
“Tadhg,” I choked out through splutters, when the old man’s grip loosened further. “It’s okay. Just take it easy.“
“It’s not okay, Joe.” With tears streaming down his cheeks, he shook his head. “None of this is okay.”
“What are you going to do, boy?” the stupid prick taunted. “Stab me?”
“Yes.”
The old man moved for the knife, but my baby brother doubled down and stepped closer, still wielding the knife.
“Jesus Christ, Tadhg,” Dad yelped, hands moving from my throat to his, as blood trickled from the nick the knife had given him. “You cut me.”
“This ends now,” Tadhg growled, holding the knife a lot steadier than any boy of eleven should. “Get off my brother, and get out of this house for good, or I’ll slit your fucking throat.”
