DECEMBER 31ST 2004
AOIFE
WHEN I KNOCKED on the Lynch’s front door late on New Year’s Eve, the very last person I had been expecting to see standing in the doorway was Joey.
But when the door swung inwards, that’s exactly who I found staring back at me.
Of course, he was who I had come to see, but in my heart of hearts, I honestly thought that it would be a fruitless trip.
The minute my eyes landed on his, the pain in my chest that I had been walking around with amplified. To the point where I had to physically press my hand against my chest bone to soothe the ache.
My breath hitched. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He gripped the door tighter. “Are you okay?”
No. “Can we talk?”
He nodded and I exhaled a shaky breath when he stepped outside and quietly closed the door out behind him.
The grey sweatpants he was wearing hung low on his narrow hips, revealing a hint of the black boxer shorts he had on underneath. The plain white t-shirt he had on revealed his tattooed arms and fitted him in such a way that I could see the hint of black ink on his chest.
It hurt.
It fucking scorched me.
Unable to stop myself, I drank in the sight of him, as my body heated, and my heart cracked under the insurmountable effort that it took for me to stand here and face him.
“I, ah…” Letting my voice trail off, I studied his face, feeling more confused with every second that passed. “You’re here.” You’re sober.
“Yeah.” Joey nodded slowly, jaw ticking. “I am.”
“Why?” I demanded, tone hoarse and broken. “Why are you here?”
“Should I not be?”
“It’s New Year’s Eve.”
“Yeah, I’m aware of the date.”
“Answer me.”
He blew out a pained breath when he said, “I’m sort of trying to turn over a new leaf.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “Why?”
He gave me a hard look. “Why do you think?”
“Why?” I repeated, unrelenting. “Why, Joe, why?”
“Because I fucked up!”
“So?” Tears pooled my eyes, and I carefully kept them open, not daring to blink. I knew if I did, the dam would burst. Blinking tears away never worked for me, I had to stare them back to hell. “You’ve fucked up before and it hasn’t stopped you from doing it again.” Over and over again…
“Yeah, well, maybe this time when I fucked up, it cost me more than I was willing to lose.”
“What does that mean?”
“You know what it means,” he replied, running a hand through his hair.
“Say it,” I demanded, as we stood less than two feet apart, with him towering over me. “Give me the words.”
His green eyes blazed with heat when he came right out and said, “it cost me you.”
“Me?”
“You.”
“No.” His words knocked me for six, and I shook my head. “Don’t say that.”
“You asked,” he bit out. “I answered.”
“But you…” Shaking my head, I glared up at him, feeling hopeful and hopeless all in one conflicted breath. “You did this, Joey.”
“I know.”
“No, no, no.” I held up a shaky hand, as I mentally batted away the pitiful hope rising up inside of me. “You broke up with me.”
“I know, Molloy.” His eyes blazed with heat when he growled, “I know.”
“Then don’t feed me anymore bullshit,” I hissed, unable to get a handle on my frazzled emotions. “You were more than willing to lose me when you walked out on me.” Tears burned my eyes as I stared up at him. “I was there, remember? I watched you leave.”
“Because I was trying to do the right thing,” he snarled, losing his cool right back with me. “Fuck!”
“For who?” I screamed, throwing my hands up.
“For you!” he roared back, chest heaving, as he mirrored my actions, throwing his hands up wildly. “For you, Molloy. For fucking you. Always you!” Frustrated, he clenched his hands at his sides and spat, “I was willing to walk away because I knew that it was the best thing that I could do for you, not because I don’t love you!”
“Love me?” I choked out a pained, humorless laugh. “So now you give me the word? When it’s over?” I shook my head, incredulous, as devastation ricocheted through me. “That’s just fucking priceless.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m giving you the truth.”
“You know about my parents’ relationship,” I accused, delirious with grief, and desperate for him to hear my pain. For him to know just how deep the knife he put in my back had cut me. It was wedged in the bone, and I was slowly dying inside. “You know why I have issues with trusting men.”
He had the good grace to clamp his mouth shut and nod.
“I never trusted Paul, not once in four years, and I never allowed myself to love him, either, because I knew what would happen if I did,” I strangled out, breath coming in short audible puffs. “I knew that in the end, he would let me down and break my heart – if I gave him the power to. So, I didn’t. I kept that power and my heart to myself.” Sniffling, I shook my head and forced myself to look at him, when I said, “But I never stood a chance against you, did I?”
He stared at me for the longest time before blowing out a pained breath. “Aoife. I was trying to protect you.”
“Well, it didn’t work,” I heard myself cry, body growing limp as the adrenalin that had been coursing through me quickly deflated. “Because I’m not okay.”
He flinched. “I know.”
“I’m not okay,” I repeated, needing him to hear me, to see me, to fucking help me. “You asked me earlier if I was okay, and I’m telling you that I’m not okay.”
“I never meant to…“ His voice broke off and he scrubbed his face with his hand before strangling out, “I know, okay? I know. It’s the same for me.”
“You made me fall,” I forced myself to tell him, as every inch of me trembled. “You made me fall, and trust, and believe, and then you took it all away.”
Pain encompassed his features. “I know.”
“I’m in love with you.” I didn’t care how weak or pathetic I sounded in that moment, as I continued to let my truth spill from my lips, as I bled open in front of him. “And I’m afraid for you, and I’m completely fucked up in the head because of you.“ My throat hitched, and I exhaled a broken sob before forcing out, “And I have felt all of these things for you since I was twelve year’s old.”
“Aoife.”
“I have turned a blind eye to all of the shady things you do more times than I care to admit. I have thrown friendships away to be with you. I have walked into drug dens for you. I have covered for you, protected you, lied for you, and given my body to you.”
“Aoife,” he groaned like I was causing him physical pain. “I—’
“I couldn’t love you more if I tried, Joey Lynch,” I cried, giving up the fight against the tears that were flowing freely down my cheeks now. “I couldn’t.”
I felt like a poisoned snake that was dying, weakened but exceptionally dangerous and venomous.
I couldn’t understand how my heart was so willing to be hurt. To lay down for this boy to walk and trample all over it with no thought or care for the consequences. Without thought for my future, which didn’t exist without him.
“But it’s never going to be enough for you!” Losing the battle with my emotions, I clutched my head in my hands and released an agonized scream. “I’m never going to be enough for you because my love doesn’t come in the form of a powder that you can snort up your nose or inject in your veins—’
“That’s not how it is,” Joey interrupted, voice cracking. “That’s not how I feel.” Exhaling a ragged breath, he closed the space between us and roughly pulled me into his arms. “I’m the problem here, Molloy. I’m the one who’s never going to be enough, not you.”
“You are enough!“
“I’m not,” he replied. “I’m really not, baby.”
“It’s too much, Joe.” Tears spilled over, falling so fast it was hard to see clearly, as my arms shot out of their own accord, clinging to the person who had inflicted all of this pain on me. ‘All of it,” I strangled out, burying my face in his chest. “I feel too much for you.”
“I know,” he ground out. “That’s exactly why I did what I did.” He pressed a kiss to my damp hair and wrapped me tighter in his arms. “You need to understand that this is a hill that I’ve been climbing since before we met. This is my demon to slay.” He released a torn growl and clung to me. “None of this is on you.”
