I wish that the first few weeks of our lives together could be restful, but there is so much going on around us that it’s hard to focus.
Tristan turns up on our doorstep again, this time when the boys are all at training. He’s determined to get us to change our minds, offering more and more money. When that’s turned down, we start to see the darker side of Mr. Copeland.
Neighbors who have agreed are told that we are the blockers. They begin to put pressure on us, too, and it’s hard to keep the boys from dealing with everything with anger. Their emotions are still raw from Dad’s passing, and the territorial feeling they have over the house is only made stronger by that.
In the end, we start an action group, getting the traders from Main Street on our side, and finally, the mayor, who begins to see the town turning against the plans for the mall, swings our way. It’s the final nail in the coffin for Tristan’s plans.
When all that is done, our thoughts can turn to other things.
Four months on from the day at the cemetery, my morning sickness has passed, and my belly is rounded. The boys have been training as if their lives depend on it, and we’ve settled into our world. It feels like I’ve always been here; my life before like a shadowy and lonely precursor to what reality should always have been like.
John has convinced me to apply to continue college next year. It’ll mean me having to transfer, but that should work out okay. The boys are all committed to helping with the baby, so childcare shouldn’t be an issue. There are so many of us to balance one baby. Walter has taken me on full-time, so I have a chance to earn some money as a nest egg for the future. My little black dress generates a healthy amount of commission!
I haven’t been back home for a while. Mom went crazy when I told her I wasn’t going to sell the house. She hit the roof when I told her about our setup. ‘You can’t live like that. People will think you’re a slut. Your kid will grow up a laughingstock. Do you seriously think those men are going to stay with you for the rest of your life? Eleven of them?’
So in a second, all the doubts that I had came surging back. I balled my fists and tried my hardest to remember the words my boys whisper in my ears while they make love to me. I tried hard to push away all the feelings of insecurity that have dwelled inside me for too long.
‘I believe that they love me,’ I told her. ‘I believe that they’ll take care of me, but who really knows? None of us can be sure of the future. We can only try to do our best. And that’s what I want to do.’
I didn’t wait for her to tell me that I was wrong. She hasn’t always made perfect decisions in her life, and maybe she hasn’t been brave enough to follow her dreams. I hope that she will be now, though. Now she has no one to blame for holding her back.
Today, two big things are happening. The boys insisted a while back that they need to make things right with Justin and Mom. They want everything to be resolved before the baby comes into the world because they want only positivity in our household after that.
Justin is due to arrive at the house in five minutes. I’m getting myself ready to face him; some make-up so that I feel confident, and a dress that shows off the roundness of my belly so that he really has to face what’s coming in a few months.
When the bell rings, it’s Dwayne who answers the door, and I watch as Justin blinks his wide eyes. I guess the prospect of coming into my household filled with eleven men who are his size or bigger is daunting. The boys lead him into the den and offer him a beer, which he accepts. We all take seats on the couches in the room that is usually filled with laughter and love but now feels awkward and frosty.
‘Thanks for coming, Justin,’ Gordon says formally. ‘I know this must be strange for you, but we want to talk to you men-to-man about the baby Maggie is carrying.’
Justin nods, taking a gulp of beer as though he needs the courage.
Gordon continues. ‘We want you to know that we are going to do everything in our power to care for the baby as if it were our own. We love Maggie, and we love the child. They will never have to want for anything, but the baby is yours too. We’ve all grown up without our own parents. We know how it feels to wonder where they are and what they are doing. To question why they aren’t in our lives like they should be. We don’t want that for this child. We know you’ve had reservations about the baby, and we understand why. But it’s coming, and there is nothing that will change that. We want you to know that we all want you to be involved with your child. There are no barriers here to making that happen. We aren’t standing in your way. Maggie isn’t standing in your way. We all just want what’s best for the child, and that is having you around if you will be a positive presence in the child’s life.’
Justin’s cheeks begin to flush. He blinks slowly and swallows down three more long gulps of beer. The room is silent and filled with expectation. ‘I’m sorry, Maggie,’ he says, and my heart drops. He’s going to say he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby, and it’ll break my heart. I know what it’s like to long for a father who never comes. I don’t want that for my child. But then he continues. ‘I’m sorry about what I said when you told me. I wasn’t in a good place, and it was a shock. I thought you’d done it on purpose to trap me.’
‘She wouldn’t do that,’ Trey says protectively.
Justin nods. ‘I know that now. I… I appreciate everything you said. I appreciate you asking me here so we can do this. It’s not easy for anyone, but I agree with what you’ve said. I don’t want to be a douchebag dad, and I don’t want my kid wondering why I’m not there on important days or wondering what the hell I look like. I want to be in its life. This arrangement…’ he glances around at all the huge men surrounding me and then at me. His eyebrows quirk, then he seems to steel himself ‘… it’s not exactly a common thing, but as long as Maggie and my kid are happy and taken care of, I’m okay with it.’
Wow, that is a change of heart and attitude. He’s worried about how I’m being treated. I guess that’s better than telling me I should abort our child.
‘They will be taken care of. You don’t have to worry about that.’
‘On the finance side, things aren’t great right now, but they will be.’ The boys nod, knowing that Justin is being talked about as an NFL draft pick. ‘And when they are, the baby will be looked after.’
‘It’s not necessary, but maybe Maggie would like to set up a college fund or something,’ Hunter says. They’re so sweet, wanting to be the ones to look after us day to day.
Justin shrugs. ‘I guess that will be up to Maggie.’
‘What about Cathy?’
Justin’s face seems to pale at my question, and he picks at the label on the beer bottle. ‘We broke up… the things she said that day… she just went too far.’
‘I can’t say I’m sorry to hear that.’
He shakes his head wearily. ‘You know how things were between us. Half the time it was good, and half the time she drove me insane.’
‘Yeah.’ I look around at all my men, none of whom ever drive me insane, and feel completely lucky. Relationships like the one Justin and Cathy had aren’t passionate, they’re toxic, and I’m so glad to not be in a situation like that.
‘Whatever works for you,’ I say, feeling sorry for him. There’s no taking away the fact that he treated me badly, but he’s still a kid. I know that my mouth runs away with me sometimes. I’ve said and done things that I’m not proud of and have asked for forgiveness. I need to be a big enough person to accept this about Justin. With the baby coming, we’re always going to have a reason to be in each other’s lives. It doesn’t make sense for either of us to go around holding resentment.
‘This is good,’ Trey says. He stands and offers his hand to Justin, and Justin stands to shake it. Each of my eleven men shakes the hand of my baby’s father, and it’s as though I’m witnessing them sealing an important deal. Each of them knows where they stand now, and it’s relief that I can see across all of their faces.
Justin stays for a while to talk as conversation drifts to football, and rather than participating, I sit back and watch them all fall into their favorite topic comfortably. Advice is exchanged, even though they’re on competing teams. They’re all looking to the future when college football will be a thing of their pasts. They’re all close to spreading their wings and soaring into their destinies.
And for the first time, it hits me that they might not all be here full-time next year. There’s a chance they’ll be drafted to teams in other states. There’s a chance our home team will be broken up.
My heart sinks, knowing that things won’t be the same, but there’s happiness there too because I know that whatever happens, we’ll all be coming back together, and that’s what’s important. This house will always be a home for our family.
When Justin leaves, we have lunch together, sitting in the yard eating sandwiches as the warm wind caries our laughter. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders today, but another weight needs to be dealt with too.
Mom arrives at 2 pm. I’m waiting for her on the front porch with my feet up on a stool. Her familiar old car splutters as she turns it off, and I feel sad at how many years she’s been working to still be driving something that could break down at any moment.
She emerges, gazing up at the house for the first time. I wonder if she has the same reaction that I did when I arrived. I wonder if my home feels like an inviting place to her or somewhere she’s about to enter with trepidation.
I wave, standing as she takes the stairs slowly. The bags under her eyes are dark with shadow, and her hair needs cutting. Everything about my momma seems tired, and despite all the harsh words between us, I just want to hug her.
When I do, she’s stiff for a moment, then relaxes in my arms, breathing me in and making a soft humming noise like she did when I was a child. ‘Maggie,’ she says softly. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’m sorry too, Mom.’
‘What for? For being stronger than I am? For being able to handle the hardest choices without turning angry and harsh? Don’t be sorry for any of that.’
‘For making things difficult between us.’ I draw backward, and she smooths my tangled curls, tutting as she usually does about the wildness of my hair.
‘I made things difficult between us. So something happened that wasn’t part of your plan or mine. It was a shock. It brought back all the feelings I had of worry and hopelessness when I found myself alone with you. The responsibility felt too much, and when I couldn’t give you what I wanted you to have, I hated myself. I wanted so much more than we had. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, it was never enough.’
‘But I didn’t,’ I say. ‘I didn’t need anything else.’
Mom nods, her face still grim as though the shame of struggling financially for so many years is too much for me to wipe away with a few words. ‘I just wanted you to do more for your baby. I thought if you sold this place, you’d have a fresh start. I didn’t understand what you were trying to tell me about your foster brothers. I thought you’d gone crazy.’
‘It’s hard to get your head around. I know that.’
‘Danna called me. She explained. She told me how it is for her and how she hopes it will be for you. So many men…’ She shakes her head, eyebrows raised in disbelief. ‘At least you’ll have security.’
‘And love,’ I say. ‘Will you come in to meet them?’
Mom shrugs, and I can see that she’s torn. She wants to know the men who have come into my life like a whirlwind and captured my heart, and she’s fearful too. If she doesn’t like them, it’ll add a whole new layer of worry to my situation.
‘Okay,’ she says.
‘First, though, I want to show you what they’ve done.’
I open the front door and lead Mom up the stairs to my room. Since I’ve been back, the boys have stocked it with everything the baby will need, from toys to rompers. When I open the door, I know the first thing Mom notices is the giant bed because her cheeks pink a little just under the purple of her tired eyes. But then her attention is focused on the mural behind the crib and all the baby’s little possessions. She turns to me, her eyes bright with unshed tears. ‘They did this?’
‘While I was staying with you. They wanted to show me that this is my home, and the baby is their family too. They wanted me to know that we belong here, whatever happens.’
Mom slides her hand into mine and gives it a squeeze. ‘It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?’
‘I really think it is. And they’ve told me to enrol in school here. They want me to finish what I started.’
Mom pulls me into another hug and pats my back. ‘I’m so happy for you, Maggie. It may not be the setup that I expected for you, but I can see that they’re considering your needs and respecting and nurturing your dreams. I couldn’t ask for more from a partner of yours.’
‘Thanks, Mom.’
The introductions are long and confusing, and I can see my mom blushing as each of my foster brothers takes her hand and welcomes her. Mom stays for dinner, spending time with each of my men, asking them about their plans for the future. Afterward, as she unlocks her car, ready to depart, she smiles and shakes her head. ‘You know, your dad made some big mistakes in his life. The way he left things between you, well, I’ll always be angry about that. But he did a good thing with those boys. They really are something special, and he left you a life with more security than I have ever been able to offer you. I’m glad for that.’
‘It’s funny how things work out.’
‘Are you at peace with him now?’
I gaze back at the house, thinking about the box of his possessions that I’ve kept at the bottom of my closet and the legacy of a family he left me. I remember the words from his letter and realize that the knot I had in my chest whenever I thought about him has gone. ‘I am,’ I say with cool relief. ‘I know I never got to tell him how I feel in person, but that doesn’t matter. I have a life to live… a life he helped to create and shape. I’ll let that be his legacy.’
We hug again, enjoying the novelty of the comfortableness between us. Long may it last.
And when I go inside, finding my men relaxing in the den, a space left for me on the sofa, I finally feel at peace.
