You have got to be fucking kidding me!
I can practically feel the steam billowing out of my ears as I race toward Kerym and Jasper, huddled together on the far side of the playground. Howdarehe go behind my back and involve himself with my child?
As if I wasn’t angry enough with him last night, he’s going to go and do this? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he had a death wish!
The snowflake flutters to the ground as I approach, having the good sense to melt before I can stomp on it the way that I’m picturing stomping on Kerym’s face. After having some time to sit with our fight, and plenty of time to cry over everything when Kerym left last night, I thought maybe I’d overreacted.
It’s only natural that he’d have questions, coming to find me after I disappeared years ago only to find me with a little boy that bears a startling resemblance to him, but I wasn’t ready to talk yet. I don’t know how I’m supposed to navigate this situation, and his brash way of going about things scared me as much as it frustrated me.
But now this? Going behind my back and knowingly disrespecting my wishes for my child, all in an attempt to play daddy with a child he’s never so much as spoken to? This is a new level, even for a dark elf.
Kerym’s smile drops off of his face the second he sees me barreling toward the two of them. Good, at least it seems he has the sense to know that what he’s doing is wrong.
I only wish he’d let that stop him from interfering with Jasper in the first place.
Jasper seems to note Kerym’s changed expression and follows his line of sight, turning until two pairs of violet eyes are pinned on me instead of one. Rather than the slack-jawed surprise and tinge of fear in Kerym’s eyes, however, Jasper’s light up with excitement when he sees me.
“Mommy!” He calls gleefully, leaping to his feet and running to meet me. I can’t deny that my heart softens a bit to see him so thrilled to see me, and I crouch down to meet him, steeling myself against the force of his embrace as I open my arms to him.
Jasper doesn’t slow his pace in the slightest, crashing into me as his tiny arms twine around my neck. He doesn’t seem hurt or afraid, which is good.
Of course Kerym wouldn’t hurt Jasper, he’s his father for the gods’ sakes,a small, condescending voice in my head snipes. I shove it away, returning Jasper’s embrace before releasing him and stepping in between him and Kerym to meet Kerym’s stare.
Kerym rose to his feet while I hugged Jasper, something wistful dancing across his face as he looks at the two of us before a mask of steel comes down in its place. No doubt he’s still upset over our conversation last night, too, but I can’t find it in me to care. Not when he’s acting like this.
I open my mouth to begin to tell himexactlywhat I think of his behavior when Jasper moves around me, running to Kerym and clutching his massive hand as he drags Kerym toward me.
“Mommy, Kerym do magic!” He tells me as he pulls on Kerym. “Cold magic!” He tacks on, almost as an afterthought.
Kerym smiles down warmly at Jasper, giving his tiny hand a squeeze, and for a second I think my heart might crack in two as I look at the father and son standing before me. I swallow, my throat suddenly thick with my emotion as images of what could have been dance behind my eyes. I force them away, reminding myself of what Kerym just did and falling back into the anger burning in my chest.
“Yes, he does,” I respond drily, my tone forcing Kerym’s eyes to me.
“I do magic too,” Jasper supplies proudly, his little chest puffing up.
“Layla, I-” Kerym starts before Jasper yanks his hand, demanding his attention.
“Come eat?” Jasper asks quickly, cutting him off. Kerym smiles affectionately, opening his mouth to respond before he seems to remember himself and looks at me.
“Only if mama says there’s room,” He says slowly, both of their eyes turning to me. A part of me desperately wants to say no, to punish Kerym for going behind my back and to begin to rebuild the boundaries I’ve built to keep Jasper and I safe, but deep down I know that’s not fair.
Kerym has lost out on so much time with Jasper, and while I’m still not sure what his presence here on Zerva is going to mean for the three of us, there’s no way I can deny my son a chance to at least share a meal with his father- whether I’m ready to have a real conversation with Kerym or not.
“There’s room,” I relent, my tone coming out colder than I intend it to. Jasper doesn’t seem to mind, however, hopping excitedly and tugging Kerym in the direction of our home. Kerym gives me a grateful look, and the soft, enticing planes of his face in this moment very nearly make me forget my anger. Nearly.
I trail along behind the two of them, Jasper babbling about his day and magic and pointing out various things in the schoolyard to Kerym that he finds exciting. As we walk through the gate and head toward the road, I spot a glint of sandy hair walking toward us.
My heart drops into my toes as Harper’s face comes into view, her eyes widening as she takes in the image of Jasper walking hand in hand with a dark elf that shares so many of his features. When Harper’s eyes land on me, walking behind the two of them, a feline grin spreads across her face.
I shake my head vehemently at her as we approach each other, praying to whatever gods are listening that she doesn’t cause a scene. I’ve hardly had any time to get my head around this situation as is- I certainly don’t need Harper’s big dreams of a reunion to give Kerym any bright ideas.
She seems to catch my meaning, saying nothing as she passes Kerym and Jasper on the way to the school, but as soon as she’s passed them, she winks and mouthswow.
My face heats as I wave her off, quickening my steps as I walk past her and looking hurriedly at Kerym to make sure he didn’t catch the interaction. Thankfully, he seems engrossed in Jasper, grinning like a fool down at our son as Jasper waves his little hands about animatedly.
I know the next time I see Harper, she’s going to expect some story about our rekindled romance and how we’re all going to be one big happy family now. I can’t deny that there’s a small, nostalgic part of me that hopes for the same thing, but I’d be foolish to think that’s how all of this is going to end.
Kerym is a dark elf, a miou dark elf at that. A human mate and a mixed child would wreck his dreams- I left for his good as much as I did for mine and Jasper’s, and if he can’t see that, at least I can rest easy knowing that he’ll be happy in the life he’s always wanted for himself.
Thanks to Jasper, there are no awkward silences for Kerym or I to fill on the walk home, or once we get to the house. Jasper immediately sits Kerym down on the couch in the living room, pulling out every toy he owns to show him and directing him on exactly how to play.
I listen to the two of them chatter as I pull down the supplies I need for dinner, finding the ingredients for the fastest meal I know how to make. It isn’t long into throwing together the stew that a shimmering spark flies past my head, singeing the ends of my hair and warming my cheek as it flies past me and rockets directly into the stew with a sizzle.
I whirl on Kerym and Jasper, Kerym trying desperately to disguise his laugh as a cough while Jasper looks at me sheepishly.
“Sorry mama,” He says in a small, bashful voice. A sigh slips through my lips as I shake my head at him, turning away quickly to hide my own smile. Something about the two of them practicing magic together while I make dinner feels so… domestic.
In another world, in a different life, maybe this is what it would always be like. Kerym’s low, velvety laughter and Jasper’s shrieks and giggles twining together and bouncing off the walls as I make dinner, Kerym leading Jasper through spells and exercises and encouraging him, Kerym and I sharing a glass of wine after Jasper’s asleep and crawling into bed together…
No, I tell myself firmly, trying to shove those uselessly sentimental thoughts away. Trying to imagine a future like that only serves to torture me, and I know it. But there’s still some small part of me that can’t help but hope, yearning to have the family I always wanted.
“That’s dinner,” I call to the two of them, ladling stew into bowls and setting them down at the table. Kerym rounds the corner with a squealing Jasper thrown over his shoulder, his face relaxed and smiling as he plops our wriggling toddler down into a chair.
I let Kerym take the seat next to him, sliding in across from the two of them and quickly shoveling food into my mouth so I don’t have to speak. Kerym’s eyes change as they look at me, something hopeful and heated flitting through them despite the stew I can feel dribbling out of the corner of my mouth.
My cheeks flare in response to his heavy gaze, and I nearly choke on a hunk of thison as it slides down my throat.
“Did you have fun at school today?” I ask, turning my attention to Jasper as he picks around the fortisia leaves floating in his bowl with a wrinkled nose. He nods, already knowing what comes next in our conversation.
“My favorite was Kerym,” Jasper says matter-of-factly. It’s no surprise to me, given the way he’s lit up around his father, but Kerym seems touched nonetheless.
“Did you have any least favorite parts of the day?” I ask, barreling through the conversation, not sure if my heart can take any more of the obvious adoration that’s bloomed between the two of them in such a short amount of time.
“Nuh-uh,” Jasper says, returning to his stew.
“And what was your favorite part of the day, mama?” Kerym asks from across the table, his deep voice rocketing straight to my core. Maybe it’s seeing the two of them together, or perhaps it’s just all of the old feelings seeing Kerym has dragged up for me, but I’m feeling bold.
My eyes find his, challenge and something more loaded dancing through his violet eyes as I let a slow smile stretch across my lips.
“Seeing my favorite guy,” I say, letting my voice take on a suggestive tone. The spoon that was making its way to Kerym’s mouth stops suddenly mid-air, and I bite back a laugh as his eyes widen while he looks at me.
“Jasper, of course,” I add with a shrug, hurriedly standing and swiping the bowls off the table to take to the sink. Kerym lets out a low laugh, shaking his head, his eyes pinned to my back as I make my way back into the kitchen. There’s always been something about Kerym that brings this out in me- I can’t help but tease him. Even if I know where all of that teasing leads.
Trying to smother the fire that’s suddenly licking between my thighs, I clear my throat, turning back to look at Jasper.
“Okay kiddo, time for bed,” I say. Jasper, as always, has other plans. Before I can get to the table and try to wrangle him into my arms, he blinks out of existence, reappearing on the other side of the living room.
I run at him, Jasper letting out a delighted squeal as he blinks out of existence once again, only to appear by the front door.
“Jasper, it’s bedtime!” I say, letting out a frustrated huff as I change directions, running toward where he stands at the door, already knowing he’ll be gone before I get there. Kerym watches us from the dining room table, an amused smile on his face when Jasper disappears again. This time, however, when Jasper disappears, Kerym disappears too.
They reappear at the same time, Jasper giggling as Kerym catches him, lifting him off the ground into a tight squeeze.
“Gotcha!” Kerym says as he touches his forehead lightly to Jaspers, eliciting another round of giggles from the little boy.
“Would’ve been nice if you’d done that the first time,” I grumble at Kerym as we make our way upstairs. Secretly, I’m shocked at how much easier that was with Kerym here- on a normal night, Jasper would’ve disappeared five or six more times before I was able to catch him.
“It was fun watching you try to chase around a teleporting toddler,” Kerym says with a one-shouldered shrug, a wicked smile on his face. I can’t help but smile back at him, rolling my eyes.
Jasper insists on Kerym reading him a bedtime story instead of me, and I lean against the doorframe as I watch, that lingering smile never leaving my lips. I don’t know if I’m ready to admit it to Kerym, but having him here is nice. It makes everything feel more whole, in a way.
It’s not that Jasper and I don’t do fine on our own, or that I don’t enjoy getting to be his parent, but I’d be lying if I said that all of it’s been easy. Seeing the two of them together, how gentle Kerym is with Jasper and how much Jasper seems to love Kerym already, makes my heart squeeze painfully.
Kerym finishes the story and pulls the blanket up around Jasper’s chin, tucking him tightly into bed. I step forward, brushing a kiss to Jasper’s forehead and whispering myI love you’s before stepping back again and turning out the lights. We’re nearly out of the room before Jasper’s tiny voice stops us in our tracks.
“Kerym? Play tomorrow too?”
A sad smile plays on Kerym’s face before he looks at me, and I muster up a wordless nod, fighting the burn of tears in my throat at hearing Jasper’s obvious desperation to see Kerym again.
“Of course, kiddo. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kerym says softly. “Goodnight.”
“Night night,” Comes Jasper’s sleepy reply as the door clicks shut.
For a moment, I’m not capable of anything other than trying to weather the barrage of emotions swirling through me as I stare at Jasper’s closed door, but then I feel Kerym’s eyes on me once again.
Now that we’re alone, there’s no avoiding this conversation.
