Even though I sent him to bed early, Jasper wakes up maybe an hour or so later, having a screaming nightmare.
“Daddy gone! Daddy drowneded!” Jasper sobs.
“Daddy isn’t going away forever,” I reassure him, rocking him. “Daddy is gone on business. He’ll come back.”
My heart aches as I try to soothe him back to sleep. He’s still so upset about Kerym leaving and it’s all my fault.
I fucked everything up. My pride got in the way. I thought I was doing the right thing but I can see now that separating Jasper from his father is as much my fault as it is his, and that it could never work keeping them apart like this.
And I don’t want Kerym gone either. I should have gone down to the docks, should have stopped him. I should have begged him to stay.
“I want Daddy,” Jasper sobs into my stomach. “Why Daddy leave?” I stroke over his hair, trying to soothe him.
“He had to go back to work, remember?” I tell him, though my own heart is breaking too. I made the wrong choice and it’s not just me who’s suffering for it but Jasper as well.
I can’t bear to see my son like this. He’s taking things worse than I thought. Aren’t children supposed to be more resilient than this? I thought he would understand.
“Would you like to go sleep in mama’s room tonight?” I offer. I might not be able to magically bring Kerym back but at least I can make sure that Jasper doesn’t have to sleep alone.
“Yeah,” he says wetly, nodding through his tears. “Wanna sleep with you.”
I pick him up, cradling him close. He was so tiny when he was born. Just a little thing with a tuft of black hair and he was all wrinkly and scrunched up. He was so ugly from just being born but I remember thinking he was the most perfect, beautiful baby I’d ever seen.
I vowed back then to protect him and never let anyone hurt him. I thought that I could protect him from the rest of the world but now here I am, the one who’s hurting him the most.
As I carry him, I realize how much bigger and heavier he’s gotten over the years. It creeps up on you. You don’t notice because it happens so gradually. But he’s closer to three than two now.
In my bedroom, I lay him down and he immediately latches on to Kerym’s pillow, snuggling up to it.
It still smells like him.
He’d been spending nights here to be closer to us and now the bed feels almost too big without him.
I really made the wrong decision, didn’t I? I need to make this right somehow, to make it up to Jasper. To make it up to Kerym. It wasn’t Kerym who left, it was me who pushed him out of our lives. Kerym wanted us to go with him.
And now he’s gone and I can’t undo what I did.
Tears prick at my eyes and I find myself unable to sleep. Jasper is struggling too, holding the pillow tightly to his chest, tears rolling down his little chubby cheeks, even in his sleep.
That night, we both cry ourselves to sleep.
The next morning, I wake Jasper up early, having made a decision. “Hey bub,” I tell him, staring into violet eyes that remind me so much of his father.
“Mama,” he yawns sleepily.
“How would you like to go on a big adventure today, after school, to go find daddy?” I ask, whispering to him.
“Really?” his eyes open wide as he whispers back to me.
“Really really.”
“Yay!” Jasper yells, loud enough to make me wince for a moment.
“Okay, let’s get ready for school then, so we can go find Daddy later,” I tell him. I may not be able to bring Kerym back but I can go to him. I can beg him to be a family with us again. And I can save my son from a lifetime of heartache.
“Okay!” Jasper is more cooperative than ever this morning, willingly sitting to have his hair brushed and braided without a peep. He eats every bit of his oatmeal and even asks for seconds.
Maybe we should go on adventures more often, I muse with a smile.
Harper and Addie come over soon after breakfast so we can walk the kids to school but I pull Harper aside as soon as she comes in.
“Hey,” I tell her. “Can you take them alone today? I need to stay here and pack.”
“What?” Harper’s eyes grow big. “Pack?”
“Yeah, I need to talk to you,” I tell her. I walk over to the stove and begin brewing up some kaffo for us while Harper sends Addie and Jasper to play with some wooden blocks in the living room. She and I sit down together at the kitchen table to talk.
Once the kaffo is brewed, I bring us over two large, warm mugs of rich, blue kaffo. “Do you want some milk for it?” I ask. Harper nods and I pour in some capra’s milk from the morning delivery.
Adding in my own capra’s milk, I stir and watch the color change from a deep, navy blue to a light, sky blue. Wrapping my hands around my cup, I breathe in the steam for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts. My eyes close and I take a deep breath.
“You were right,” I tell her. “He had orders to leave but he came here, begged me to leave with him. I told him that I couldn’t uproot Jasper. Pushed him away. Jasper absolutely fell apart. I hurt my son and I hurt Kerym by making him leave,” I say, a lump in my throat.
“He’s gone?” she asks.
“Yes. He left on the ship last night. I told him that we wouldn’t go and he was so hurt. I shouldn’t have done that. I messed everything up but I’m going to make it right,” I vow. “We’re going to Vhoig. To find him.”
“By the gods!” she yelps. “You’re really doing this? What are your plans?”
“I’m going to sell some stuff and buy passage on the next ship. Some of the people on the docks said I can find work in the city in one of the fishing towns. That way I can find Kerym and tell him that I made a mistake, that I want to be with him. And this way he can keep his job as Lieutenant.”
“I’m so happy for you,” Harper’s eyes are shining with tears. “You can’t let this chance pass you up. If you want him, you need to do this,” she encourages me. “You deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you,” I hug her tightly. “I just didn’t think that I should take Jasper from his home here, from the only life he’s ever known…but when it comes down to it, I think he will be happier wherever Kerym is.”
“You’re right about that,” she agrees, finishing her kaffo. “I’ll take them. Do you want me to help you pack when I’m done?”
“No, you should go tell the overseer I’m leaving.” I finish my cup as well. “Come on Jasper, Addie. It’s time for school.”
“Me and mama going onbigboat a’fer school to find Daddy,” Jasper tells his best friend.
“Big boat?” Addie’s eyes get wide. “I wanna go on a big boat!”
Harper smiles. “We don’t need to go on a big boat today. Maybe another day,” she says. As she’s ushering the kids out the door she hugs me once more. “I’m so glad you’re doing this. I just wish I could admit my mistakes to Adelaide’s father too.”
I don’t get the chance to ask Harper about that before she’s got the kids out the door and down the path.
I wave them off and then turn back to look at my house. Gods there’s so much to pack and so little room for it all. What am I going to do? How am I even going to start to pack our life away?
Knowing that I’m making the right decision helps. I start in the kitchen, examining everything with a critical eye. Most of this stuff I can leave behind. I don’t need to bring all our plates and cutlery or our kaffo mugs…there’s only a few things I want, including a pretty plate I bought when I first moved here and a single mug that Jasper painted in school.
It gets easier as I sweep through the rooms, figuring out what to take and what to leave behind. By the time I’m done, I have two suitcases for myself and a small satchel for Jasper to carry.
My entire life, reduced to this. It feels hard but it feels good. I’d trade everything I have for one more day with Kerym. I realize that everything is meaningless without him in my life.
