The fertility clinic’s waiting room doesn’t look much different than that of a hospital. White sterile walls, terribly upholstered seats, outdated oak furniture, and magazines that came out six months ago.
I sit, holding my paperwork with bouncing knees as I wait for my name to be called. The timing of this appointment couldn’t be worse, but with the regular season of hockey winding down, I need to be ready as soon as the playoffs end, whether that’s next week or after another Stanley Cup Final.
Today’s appointment is simply a pre-check to make sure I’m healthy and all my lady parts are cooperating. As soon as the hockey season ends, I’ll begin right away with the injections. Honestly, it’s a bunch of doctor talk that I don’t fully understand, but I do know the process causes my eggs to mature so they can go in, get them out, and put those suckers on ice.
There are three other families in the waiting room. One with a newborn baby, another with a toddler, and the other is a couple who looks hopeful for their first. I’m the only person here alone.
I didn’t tell Ryan that my appointment was today, because in all honesty, I don’t know that I should even be here.
If Ryan isn’t involved, what’s the point? Yes, I’ve always wanted kids, but not without him. That realization hit me like a truck this morning as I was getting in my car to come here, and now, as I sit here alone, I’m still asking myself the same thing.
If he doesn’t want this, do I want it still?
I was already worried this would be a waste of money before I found out it was covered by insurance because who knows if it’ll even work. But now I’m wondering if it’s also a waste of time. I can’t see myself doing this without him.
“Indigo Ivers,” the older woman at the front desk calls out.
“That’s me.” I hold up my paperwork before making my way to her.
She types in some of my info as I stay standing and waiting on the other side.
“How’s your day going?” I ask, attempting to drown out my own thoughts.
“It’s going great, baby, how’s yours?”
“I’m not really sure how it’s going.”
She laughs. “Are you nervous, honey?”
“I think I am.”
“Are you by yourself today?”
A knot forms in my throat. “Yes.”
“Good for you,” she says, impressed as she continues to type, her long nails clicking against the keyboard. “It’s smart to plan ahead for yourself. You never know when you’ll meet the right person.”
“I already have.”
Her eyes lift above the monitor and a sly smile curves on one side of her lips. Just as quickly, her attention falls back to her computer where she tap, tap, taps away, adding all my personal information into their system.
“I should have a copay due today.”
She looks over her screen with detail, shaking her head. “Nope.”
“Really? That’s weird. I always have a copay when using my insurance.”
“Oh, you’re not using your insurance.”
“I should be. Could you please check?”
Tap. Tap. Tap.
“No, baby, your insurance policy doesn’t cover any of it.”
Are you freaking kidding me? There’s no way in hell I can pay for this out of pocket. I stopped saving months ago, back in January when I was told my insurance benefits changed with the start of the year.
Exhaling, my entire body slumps. “Are you sure?”
“Positive. I can show you if you’d like.”
“No, that’s okay.”
Fuck. I’m on the verge of calling my parents for a loan, even though I promised myself I never would. Something about needing my parents’ help to start my own family feels off, but I’m desperate now. The time to save money has run out.
And once again I’m asking myself if any of this is even worth it.
Nervously, I fidget with my debit card in my hands. “How much is due today?”
Tap. Tap. Tap.
“Nothing. It’s fully covered.”
“But you said—”
“Not by insurance. Personal credit card paid for the whole thing months ago.”
He didn’t.
Closing my eyes, I repeat her words over and over again until they sink in. She doesn’t have to tell me the name on the card on file, I already know.
With my elbows on the counter, I bury my face in my hands. “Can you tell me when it was paid?”
“Looks like it was back in mid-December.”
Right after we went camping, when I first told him why I was saving money. Right before there was ever an “insurance benefit change.”
“Honey, are you crying?”
With my hands covering my face, I nod. “It’s kind of my thing.”
She chuckles, deep and hearty. “Sounds like you were right when you said you had already met the right person.”
“Indy.” Rio reaches over his couch from behind me and closes the book in my hands. “Look, I love you, you know this, but you can’t stay here forever.”
“I’ve only been here for a few days, and you said I could stay however long I’d like.”
“I changed my mind.”
Turning back, my head over my shoulder, I look at him with confusion.
“I have my broker coming by to take you to go look at some apartments today.”
“What? No, I don’t want to look at apartments.” I stand from the couch to face him. “I don’t know that I’m even planning to move out from Ryan’s. I just needed a few days.”
“It’s been a few days.”
Jolting back, I eye him. “Do you have a girl coming over? Are you just trying to get me out of the house? Is that what this is about? I can go hide in the guest room if you’d like.”
He scoffs. “I wish I had a girl coming over. Now go take a shower and put on something that isn’t that three-day old sweatshirt with spaghetti sauce on it.” He cringes. “You need to look good for… my broker.”
Taking slow steps towards the guest room, I keep my narrowed eyes on him over my shoulder. “You’re being so weird right now.”
“I love this part of town,” Rio’s broker, Cindy, says as she continues to drive us thirty minutes outside of the city. “Real quiet. Good place to raise kids. Great school district.”
“I’m only looking for myself.”
Actually, I’m not looking at all.
“This part of town has a wonderful safety score. Walkable. Quaint grocery stores and a lot of land. Plenty of hiking spots. Give it a couple of months and this whole town will be covered in greenery and flowers. It’s beautiful.”
“That does sound nice.”
If I were looking.
She continues to drive us around and she was right. It does seem like a quiet town, thirty minutes away from the hustle and bustle of downtown Chicago. Ryan would like it here. He’d probably be able to go to the grocery store on his own without being bombarded or take a long walk outside without the media on his ass.
“Here we are.”
She pulls into the long driveway of a stunning house. White exterior with black trim. Elm trees line the driveway and their color is beginning to come back after a harsh winter. A cozy porch wraps around the entire house where a swing hangs by the front door. There isn’t another home in viewing distance, and I can tell, just from the front, that the property in the back is vast and seemingly endless.
“I think this is the wrong address,” I tell her. “It’s only me. I’m not looking for anything this big and even if I were, I couldn’t afford it.” An awkward laugh bubbles out of me and I keep my seat belt in place, ready for her to drive off to the correct location.
“Well, let’s go in and take a look, shall we? Stunning home. Would hate to just drive away.”
Cindy is already out of the car before I have another moment to protest. Unfastening the seat belt, I cautiously follow her up the large set of stairs leading to the front porch.
The area surrounding the house is silent minus the distant chirp of birds. It’s a complete and utter change from the apartment on the twenty-second floor in downtown Chicago. I can’t help but wonder how many stars you’d be able to see out here without the glaring lights of the city.
The fresh garden beds lining the staircase with small buds sit ready for dirt and rain to create something beautiful.
Cindy doesn’t use a key to unlock the double doors that lead into the house. She simply turns the knob and opens them. Staying on the front porch, she ushers me in.
The waft of fresh coffee overwhelms me along with that distinctly sweet smell of French toast.
A large double staircase frames the foyer. There are rooms to both my left and right. The house seems mid-renovation, but one is definitely a family room and the other is for dining.
But straight ahead, the kitchen stove crackles, and I can see puffs of steam even from here.
Cindy closes the door, and when I look back, she’s nowhere to be found. She left me inside alone.
I follow my nose to the giant kitchen in the back of the house. White cabinets, stainless steel appliances, and an island large enough for a family of six to eat breakfast at.
But the most beautiful part of the house is the man with his back to me, working at the stove. Backwards hat, hoodie, and joggers. He seems as relaxed and comfortable as he does at home, and I couldn’t be more thankful to Rio that he made me get off my ass and brush my hair.
And it’s quickly becoming evident that there were no apartments to look at with his broker. He just needed to get me out here.
“Ryan?” I look around. “What’s going on?”
Turning to face me, that stunning smile spreads, showcasing his puckered dimples. “Take a seat.” He motions to the kitchen island.
In a daze, I pull out a stool and sit, my eyes wandering to the colorful bouquet in the center of the island.
“I’ll have you know I’ve kept those alive for three whole days now.”
The ease of his voice causes a grin to fall across my lips.
Ryan puts a plate in front of me. French toast, eggs, and a side of fruit, but he doesn’t have more food to plate for himself. He slides an iced coffee to me before setting down a new creamer to try—mint chocolate chip.
“What’s going on? Where are we?”
He doesn’t answer my question.
“I said the wrong words the other day,” he says instead. “And there are some others you need to hear.”
Swallowing, I give him my full attention.
“I didn’t realize how lonely I was until you. All this time, you were existing outside of those four walls of my apartment. Everything I’ve ever needed existed outside of that apartment. Then you came inside and brought me back to life and I refuse to go back to my world before you. I won’t go back to life before you, Ind.”
“I don’t want a life without you either, Ryan, but sometimes it’s not as simple as that. Life isn’t black and white.”
“You don’t think I know that? I haven’t seen black and white since the second you walked into my apartment. Now it’s pink-painted toes, purple clothes, green plants, and those goddamn yellow curtains.” He shakes his head. “And so much fucking Blue. All I see is Blue.”
Translation: All I see is you.
Tears prick my eyes and I’m shocked I have more to shed.
“I love that you read romance novels to feel something. I love that you love flowers and plants because nurturing and allowing something to grow is second nature to you. I love that you experience every emotion so hard it takes over your entire body. But baby, I want to be the one to make you feel how your favorite books do. I want to be the one to give you children to nurture and grow. When you think of me, the only emotion I want you to feel is unconditional, earth-shattering love. Because when I look at you, I see my entire future and I can’t stand to live in a world where you look at me and don’t see the same thing.”
Wiping, I dry my cheeks. “I do, Ryan, you know that. I’m just so afraid of pulling you into a life that you don’t want. Or didn’t want until the other day. This wasn’t part of your plan.”
“What if I had changed my plans for you?”
A rebuttal sticks in my throat.
“I heard you, Blue. The other morning when you said words were just words, you were right. We’ve both been told a lot of things that didn’t hold weight, and because of that, I’ve loved you through my actions. I let them speak for me.”
His quiet love. It’s always the loudest.
Quickly, my eyes dart to the fridge where our lease agreement and bucket lists hang, accompanied by another stack of papers.
“I know what I signed up for when I fell in love with you. From the beginning, you made it perfectly clear what you wanted your life to look like, and I’ve been taking steps to make that happen even when you weren’t aware. So no, Ind, you don’t have to beg me for a future because this is what I’ve wanted all along.”
He takes the new papers I’ve never seen off the fridge and places them next to my breakfast. “I bought us this house back in January.” Flipping to the last page of what I realize now is the deed, he points to the final line. “And if you don’t believe me, your name is right there.”
It is. He put my name right along his on the title of the house with a date in January. Only days after his knee injury.
“I’ve always known, Ind. I’ve wanted everything you want ever since you walked into my world and reminded me of who I am. You made me hopeful for those things, a real partner, a family, children. Parts of life I had convinced myself I would never have because no one would ever truly love me for the man I am and not just the name I carry.
“I want this place to be where everyone gathers. I want team dinners here. I want our friends over. I want our kids to have their friends over. We can breathe out here, Ind. There are no fans or media waiting outside of the building. You should see the stars at night. It’s incredible, and there’s so much room outside. You can have a whole garden or a greenhouse. And I can’t wait to watch you turn this house into a home just like you did with the apartment.”
He’s so light out here, a stunning smile beaming on his handsome face. The heaviness of the city, the burden of the game is too far away, and I love seeing him so free.
“I think part of me will always want to hide away, but I want to hide here, with you.” Rounding the island, he wipes at my tears. “Baby, you can’t get makeup and tears on the deed to the house.”
Chuckling, the tension breaks.
Pulling me in, he kisses my temple. “I’ve been having the house worked on since I bought it. It’s not quite done. Some rooms still need paint and obviously we need more furniture, but it’s livable. Your bed is in the primary bedroom and some of your clothes too. I’ll have your car brought out today, but will you stay here while you think? This place has five bedrooms and when I bought it, I had every intention of filling them all. I want you to see this house when you’re asking yourself if you’re trapping me into a life I don’t want, okay?”
Through shaky breaths, I nod. “Words of affirmation.”
“What?”
“You said you weren’t good with words, but I think words of affirmation might be your love language. Or acts of service. Or gift-giving. God, I don’t even know anymore.”
He chuckles.
“I love you.”
“I love you, Blue. So fucking much and I’ll fight for you forever, but I need you to fight for us too. Now eat your breakfast, it’s getting cold.”
He adds one final kiss on my forehead before heading towards the front door.
“Ryan.”
He turns to face me.
“Why did you pay for my fertility treatments? I didn’t want anyone paying for that.”
“No, you didn’t want your parents paying for that. You said you felt uncomfortable for someone else paying for you to start a family. Well, it’s going to be my family too, so I don’t count.”
“But that was back in December. Even then?”
He knew even then?
“Even then.”
With that, he leaves me with my breakfast and a giant house that he wants to fill with our family.
