“Indy, I’m just saying, if you need a place to crash, my bed is available.” Rio, a third-year defenseman for the Chicago Raptors sits in the barstool next to mine, facing me and ignoring his two teammates across the table. “You don’t have to pay rent. I’d be happy, thrilled, to have you.”
“Jesus, Rio,” Zanders laughs. “Let it go. She’s got a spot. Indy isn’t moving in.”
Rio’s face falls as the rest of us laugh at his disappointment, but he’s known my answer since he offered his bachelor pad to me last June.
“Thanks, Rio.” I sling an arm over his shoulders as I sit next to him at a local bar in downtown Edmonton. “But being roommates is tricky business and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
I emphasize the word friendship.
His green eyes begin to sparkle. “You know what they say about friends. Some of the best relationships start as—”
Curling my hand around his neck, I silence him with a palm over his mouth. “Not gonna happen, buddy.”
I feel his cheeky smile stretch against my palm. “A man can dream, Indigo.”
Regardless that nothing would ever happen between me and Rio, I wouldn’t risk our friendship. Rio is too young, too sweet, and too naïve to be anything more than my friend, but even if he were my age and his house wasn’t filled with parties and late nights on the Xbox, I truly love having him as a friend.
Besides, I have nothing left to give someone else. Alex took it all. The only thing I could possibly offer is a physical relationship, something to add that last piece of separation between my ex and me, but there’s no way I’m letting Rio know that’s where my head is.
He’ll offer and I’ll say no…again.
He checked in on me all summer after he went home to Boston. And even though last year I wrote him off as childish, goofy, and overexcitable, I didn’t realize over the four months of off-season that he would become such a great friend. Rio genuinely cares about me, regardless that he’s joking around 99% of the time.
“I’m kidding.” Rio’s shoulder nudges into mine. “I’m happy that you’re getting settled.”
“How do you like the building so far?” Maddison, Captain of the Raptors, asks me as he sits across the table with Zanders.
“It’s extravagant and beautiful and I’m trying not to get too used to the luxury lifestyle, but I’ve only slept there for one night and I have an attachment growing.”
Maddison smiles. “It’s cool you’re close by. Ryan is a good dude.”
Maddison and his family live on the penthouse floor of Ryan’s building, and Zanders and Stevie are in the building across the street. Rio’s house is about twenty minutes away, but Maddison is right; it is nice to be surrounded by friends, and takes the edge off the idea of being alone, even if I did just move in with a stranger.
“Are you doing okay over there, Zanders?” I ask the defenseman across from me as he nurses the warm beer in his hand, pouting.
“I miss Stevie.”
We try to hold it in, we really do, but a small laugh settles among the table.
The boys played last night in Vancouver and tomorrow night in Edmonton. This is the first night off while on the road, and it looks a whole lot different than it did last season for Zanders. A year ago, he was on the prowl. Tonight, he’s moping at a bar about missing his girlfriend who he hasn’t seen in forty-eight hours.
“But she got to go to Ryan’s home opener tonight which is awesome.” Zanders holds out his phone to show me a picture of number five on the basketball court, but I make sure not to linger my stare too long. “How was your first night in the apartment with him?”
“I cannot believe you live with Ryan Shay,” Rio whines, his forehead lightly banging on the tabletop in front of him. “How am I supposed to compete with that?”
I roll my eyes at his dramatics.
“To be honest, Ind, I don’t know who I’m more jealous of. If this were any other guy, I’d hate them, but this is Ryan Shay we’re talking about. I wish I were you.”
I turn back to Zanders. “To answer your question, he made me cry.”
“I’ll kill him,” Rio decides.
“Settle down there, tiger. I don’t know that it was necessarily Ryan’s fault. I think I’m just having a tough time in general.”
All three guys know why, and they shoot me with pity smiles in apology. I hate it.
“What did he do?” Zanders asks.
“He said something to the effect of ‘I don’t want you here, and I’m only doing this to fulfill my brotherly duty’ or something like that.”
“Ouch.” Maddison winces.
Zanders cuts in. “Ryan is a good guy, but he’s not like you. He’s not the most welcoming to new people and he thrives on doing his own thing. He pretty much only cares about basketball and Stevie. Give him a chance. He’ll come around…hopefully.”
“He likes you.” I motion towards him. “You guys are close. How’d you get him to like you?”
“He hated me, remember? It wasn’t until he realized that I was in love with his sister that he was cool with me, but even then, it took some time to get to know him. He’s admittedly guarded.”
“I get that he’s doing this for Stevie, and it has nothing to do with me, but I’m living with a guy who wishes he were living alone. It’s awkward and uncomfortable.”
“You know what,” Zanders continues. “I thought this was going to be a disaster, the two of you under the same roof, but you might be good for Ryan. Force him out of his shell. Make him spend time with someone who isn’t a teammate or his sister. Maybe having someone normal around will give him a little hope in humanity.”
“Aw, Zee. You think I’m normal?”
“You teeter the line.” He smiles into his glass as he finishes off his beer.
“He told me I couldn’t have people over. That’s weird, isn’t it?”
“Ind,” Rio cuts in, eyeing me suspiciously. “How much do you know about your new roommate?”
Clearly, not enough judging by the three pairs of eyes cautiously watching me as if I’m missing a huge piece to the puzzle.
Over the last few nights, I’ve attempted to do some internet sleuthing on Ryan, but every time his handsome face filled my screen, I got too nervous to know more. I’m not sure what I was looking for or what I expected to find, but part of me wants to learn about Ryan organically and not through the headlines that litter the internet.
“What do you mean?” I look around for the answer. “Because he’s a professional athlete? I get it. I’m friends with you three, aren’t I? I know there’s a lot of attention on you.”
Zanders shakes his head. “This is a little different.”
“A little?” Rio scoffs. “Ryan Shay was the number one draft pick out of North Carolina—a team who won back-to-back national championships under him. He’s…what do you think?” Rio shifts his attention to Maddison and Zanders. “Top five, maybe top three players in the league? And he doesn’t even have a ring or an MVP yet. It’s impossible for him to leave his house without being recognized, I’m sure. These guys are big in the NHL, and they’re known throughout the city”—he motions across the table towards his teammates—“but it’s nothing in comparison to what Ryan Shay experiences.”
“You remember my little media debacle with Stevie last spring when everyone found out I had a girlfriend?” Zanders asks me. “Well, when Ryan makes headlines, we’re not talking national news. It goes worldwide. He keeps his image squeaky-clean for a reason. All eyes are on him.”
Swallowing down the thickness in my throat, I ask, “He’s really that well-known?”
“I feel for the guy.” Maddison shakes his head. “We’re both captains of our respective teams and we’re in the same city, but I’ll never have to experience the kind of pressure and attention he lives with.”
“Zanders, how much money do you make?”
“Really, Rio?”
“I can look it up online. I’m trying to prove a point.”
“Eleven and a half.”
“Twelve,” Maddison smugly cuts in, sharing his own salary.
Zanders flips him off as he tries to hold back his smile.
“See.” Rio turns to me. “Two of the biggest names in the NHL make almost twenty-four million dollars a year combined. Ryan Shay makes double that. Hell, he’s got shoe deals and endorsements that are probably worth more than that.”
“Rio, you really are in love with my future brother-in-law, aren’t you?”
“Undoubtedly.” He shifts his attention to Maddison. “How does it feel knowing he lives under you?”
“Like a joke,” Maddison laughs. “Guy makes so much money he could own the entire building.”
“Why does he live there then?” I finally cut in. “The apartment is gorgeous, but if he makes that much—”
“Because he’s practical,” Zanders reminds me. “He doesn’t indulge in anything.”
Four plates, four sets of silverware, four bowls. Organized to the point of insanity. Is it self-control to live as precisely as Ryan does or is it a form of self-punishment?
Remembering how rude he was the night he came home and found the mess I created, it’s all starting to make sense. I upended his structure, his routine. His control was taken away in the one space he finds solace.
And I’m the crazy new roommate who threw a shoe at his door.
I can’t imagine going through life the way he does, never being able to let his guard down with all eyes on him, but if his apartment is the one place he can do it, then the black and white minimalistic prison he’s living in isn’t going to cut it.
It’s decided. I’m going to bring some color into Ryan Shay’s life if it’s the last thing I do.
The sun was already rising by the time I left the airport. Between the overtime win in Edmonton and clearing customs, I made it home hours after I had planned. Coffee seemed like a good idea. Hell, it’s always a good idea, but especially when it’s my first full day in the apartment and I have a mess to unpack. Not to mention, I’m hoping to spend time with my new roommate today, so I want to be as perky as possible because I’m going to make sure Ryan Shay enjoys living with me if it’s the last thing I do.
“Would you like a carrying tray?” the barista asks.
“Please. That’d be great. Thank you.”
“Indy?” I hear from behind me as I stack my coffees. “Oh my God, Indy, is that you?”
Turning, I find a group of girls—my friends. My childhood life-long friends.
“Maggie? Hi!” I burst, quickly engulfing her in a hug. “I missed you. Hi, you guys.” I look over her shoulder before hugging three more of my long-time girlfriends. “I missed you all! What are you doing downtown so early?”
Hesitating, Maggie’s face drops. “We’re…uh…we’re going shopping for the bridesmaid dresses.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry. I would’ve invited you. I honestly didn’t know you were back in Chicago. I thought you might still be in Florida.”
“I texted you when I got back. I texted all of you.”
“Well, come with us! This is perfect that we ran into you today.”
I look down at my uniform, needing to change, needing to sleep. Wishing she would’ve told me, so I could’ve planned.
“Mags,” Angie cuts it. “We only booked for four.”
“That’s okay,” I offer with a forced smile. “I just landed from a work trip and haven’t slept yet. I need to change. I have a really full day,” I lie. “Just…let me know which dress you guys pick so I know what to order.”
“I miss you, Ind.” Maggie runs a palm down my arm. “Can we all get together soon? It’s been way too long.”
“Yes, please,” I sigh in relief. “I miss you all so much. Is everyone still doing Wednesday night trivia at Scouts? I’m in town this week. I can come!”
The girls exchange nervous glances. “We are…” Angie hesitates.
Maggie’s head tilts with sympathy. “But Alex still goes, and you know how close the guys are.”
“Right. Of course, they are.” There’s a lump in my throat that I’d like to blame on exhaustion or being an emotional person as it is, but that hurt.
There was a big group of us kids who were glued to each other from a young age. The numbers never dwindled, and we formed what I thought was an unbreakable bond and a lifelong friendship. Maggie and Kevin started dated shortly after Alex and me, and the other couples formed years later. I thought these were my people. I thought I was going to raise my future children with these women, and now it feels as if I’m the one left out. As if I was the one who was unfaithful to my partner of six years.
“Let’s have a girls’ night soon, yeah?” Maggie suggests. “When the boys are busy.”
Another forced smile because that’s what I do. “Definitely. You and Kevin, you’re good?”
“So good! I mean, the wedding planning isn’t really Kevin’s thing, but we’re great.” She leans in closer to whisper in my ear. “He said we can start trying on the honeymoon.”
She pulls away with wide and excited eyes, and by “try” she clearly means for a baby. Maggie doesn’t know about my fertility concerns, none of these friends do, but her words unknowingly twist the knife in my chest.
“That’s…that’s amazing, Mags.”
“Oh! I’m so glad I ran into you.” She reaches into her bag. “I didn’t know where to send this. I’m not sure where you’re living, but here’s a save the date. You’re in the wedding, so you already know all the details, but I wanted you to have one.”
I take the ivory envelope from her. “Thanks. I’m so excited for you both.” My smile is far from genuine, and I feel terrible for it.
“Where are you living anyway?” Angie asks.
With my friend’s brother who happens to make more money than God, is hotter than sin, and plays basketball for a team my ex-boyfriend idolizes.
“I’m crashing with a friend I know through work.”
Pity smiles flash back at me.
“You’ll help with the bridal shower, right? And the bachelorette if you’re in town? I’ll need you to help with the theme and décor. Food.” Maggie laughs. “All of it. You’re the best party planner we’ve got.”
It’s my self-assigned role. Host. Event coordinator. The one who always makes a huge deal of birthdays and promotions. The friend who wants to celebrate every exciting moment of my people’s lives, to give them a moment of recognition so they know how special they are. The one who ensures those around her feel good about themselves.
I truly do love it, but it hurts a bit to remember that not a single one of my friends, outside of Stevie, congratulated me on my own promotion.
Plastering on a smile, I tell Maggie, “Of course, I will. Anything you need.”
“Are you doing okay?” she quietly asks.
Is she kidding? No, I’m not okay. My entire life was upended because of a decision someone else made. I had no place to live, no bed to sleep in because of someone else’s decision. The life I envisioned for myself, the family I imagined, have all disappeared thanks to Alex’s decision.
But before I can answer, Maggie adds, “Alex is still in the wedding, so I totally understand if you have any hesitation. You both have a plus-one though, so I’m hoping that’ll help the situation.”
What does that mean? Is Alex using his? Would he do that? Clearly, I know nothing about the man I thought I would marry, so I can’t answer those questions.
She lightly squeezes my arm. “Can’t you forgive him? I want everything to go back to how it used to be. All of us spending time together.”
“What?” I force out a laugh. “Maggie, he slept with someone else in our bed.”
And he’s never once asked for forgiveness, let alone apologized.
“He made a mistake.”
Sharp pricks of unwanted tears sting my eyes because I want to try on bridesmaid dresses, I want to go to trivia on Wednesday night, and I want my friends to have my back over Alex’s in this situation. Does that make me a terrible person? I don’t think so. That feels like the bare minimum.
I quickly grab my tray of coffees, tucking the save the date under my arm. “I’m so happy I saw you guys. Send me dress pictures later, okay? Have fun.” My tight-lipped smile carries me to the door where I’m able to hold the tears until I’m outside.
God, that hurts. Why am I being punished? Why do I feel like I’m losing my friends? They should hate him. He did this to us. Just because their boyfriends are still buddy-buddy with him? What about me?
Am I being irrational? Maybe Ryan is right. Maybe I am overly emotional, but that really hurt my feelings.
I have two blocks. Two blocks to be upset before I have to get my shit together. Two blocks until I’m at Ryan’s apartment where I need to be happy and fun Indy because I’m in his place and his life outside those four walls is stressful enough as it is. He needs his home to be a safe space. He needs a friend.
And right now, more than anything, so do I.
“Miss Ivers, welcome back.” Ryan’s doorman opens the lobby door for me.
Stopping in front of him, I set my suitcase aside. “Dave. Can I call you Dave?” His name tag says David.
“Sure, you can.”
“Do you like lattes? Because I got you a latte from my favorite coffee shop around the corner.” I take his off the tray and hand it to him.
“I love a good latte. Thank you so much.” He wraps his hands around the paper cup.
“I think you and I are going to be friends, Dave.” Grabbing the handle of my suitcase, I enter through the open door.
“I think you’re right about that, Miss Ivers. You had a package delivered. It’s upstairs for you.”
Ryan said he’d leave the key he made for me under the mat, but when I step off the elevator and turn the corner, I find him opening our apartment door.
“Hey!” I call out in an excited whisper from down the hall, not wanting to be too loud at this early hour.
Ryan turns to face me, looking ridiculously fuckable without trying. He’s dressed casually wearing a backwards cap as he pulls his own suitcase out into the hallway.
On the contrary, I look awful. Up all night, still in my uniform, with smudged makeup that needs to be removed. Typically, I don’t let strangers see under the perfect mask, but screw it. The guy is about to live with me. He’s going to see worse.
“Hey.” He swallows, shifting a backpack over his shoulder. “I was wondering where you were.”
He was?
“The team had a late game and clearing customs was a nightmare.” I gesture to the tray in my hand. “I got you a coffee.” Smiling brightly, I hand him his caffeine. “Where are you off to?”
“Practice. Then catching a flight to Milwaukee for a game.” He starts down the hallway.
“Oh.” Today’s disappointments are becoming exceedingly harder to hide. “Well, good luck with that!”
“I’m back in two days. Key is under the mat for you,” he calls out without turning around.
Tears are burning and for no good reason. I’m just exhausted, and admittedly, really lonely.
I’d call Stevie to see if she’d want to hang out, but Zanders essentially sprinted off the plane once we landed, so I know she’s preoccupied.
“Blue,” Ryan calls out from down the hall. I’m not sure why I acknowledge the nickname, but I find myself turning to face him as he pops his head out of the elevator. “Thanks for the coffee.”
I offer him a slight smile as I enter the empty apartment.
The ivory envelope feels like a heavy weight under my arm. The burden of knowing I’m going to see Alex soon sits heavy on my chest. Is he going to bring her? Are they seeing each other or was it a one-night thing? Have my so-called friends met her?
I have. Multiple times. She was an intern at Alex’s financial firm. I saw her at the office Christmas party last year and I complimented her sage-green chiffon dress. I don’t regret it. It really was a stunning dress. Were they sleeping together then?
Maggie looks beautiful in her save the date photo. Kevin and she are so happy, and I’m happy for them. I am. But there’s an envious part that wishes it were me. We were supposed to plan our big days together, but instead I wasn’t even invited to try on bridesmaid dresses. And it’s not the wedding I’m jealous of. It’s the future—what comes after that day. I want the rest of my life more than anything.
God, I’m terrible for feeling this way. I pride myself on being a good friend, but not today. It’s no wonder they left me out.
Using a magnet, I secure the save the date to the fridge as a blatant reminder that by February 2nd, I need to be ready to see him.
The bright part of my morning is the Amazon package waiting for me on the kitchen island. Sure, an air mattress isn’t quite as great as an actual bed, but I’m on a budget and it’s better than the floor.
I have a lot to do today, but the spark to stay awake and get my life together has burnt out, so I put my iced latte in the fridge for later. I need to sleep. I’ll deal with the reality of my messy room and being alone in this apartment later.
The sun is already spilling through the crack of my bedroom door, reminding me that my first task after a nap is to buy some drapes. My clothes and shoes are still on the floor, but they’re pushed to the side, creating a walkway I didn’t have before.
Immediately, my attention is drawn upward.
Right there, on the wall opposite me is the most beautiful bed I’ve ever seen. Cloud-like pillows and a white comforter create a vortex I want to fall into and never get out. Luxurious and expensive with a bit of texture on the duvet. It’s stunning and it’s new with no taint of my previous life or relationship.
It’s mine.
And it’s from Ryan.
For someone who doesn’t care about anyone or anything, this sure is thoughtful.
My eyes burn from fresh tears wanting to surface because I’m a crier and I can’t help it. Sue me. But this is one of the most kind and attentive things someone has done for me in a long time, and it means more than I know how to express. Especially after a rough morning.
Running a hand over the soft fabric, I pull out my phone. I’m not one of those people who is going to fake complain about this being too expensive and extravagant or act shocked when a multi-millionaire spends some money on me. But I am grateful, that’s for sure.
INDY
Did you buy me a bed?
A few moments pass before three gray dots dance along my screen.
ROOMIE
You needed one.
Practical answer.
Thank you so much, Ryan.
A pop of lavender peeks out from under the pile of pillows. New sheets in my favorite color, and I don’t know how to process how I feel about him remembering that.
He doesn’t respond, so I double text because fuck it, I want to talk to him.
How much did it hurt to buy something that wasn’t black or white?
Almost killed me.
Is this your love language? Gift-giving?
Nothing about this situation has to do with love, Blue. You needed a bed. Don’t think too much into it.
Mm-hmm. Watch out, Ryan. You keep doing nice things for me like cooking me breakfast and buying me bedding and I’m going to think you want me to stay or something.
Gotta get to practice.
Nice avoidance, big guy.
Clean your room, it’s a safety hazard.
My cheeks hurt from the splitting grin on my face.
Ryan Shay doesn’t totally hate having me here.
