I love my boyfriend, but truth be told, he’s a little bit lacking in the size department. I’d never tell him that of course, and it’s not like he’s got a micro-penis, in fact it’s average size, if not bigger than average – I’ve certainly had smaller, and I’ve certainly had bigger – boy oh boy have I had bigger – but it’s not enough to satisfy me. Not in the way I dream of being satisfied. We have a good sex life, and I orgasm – ok, I bring myself to orgasm with my fingers on my clit, and even then, I don’t always cum – and I’m sort of satisfied, and he’s not a bad person, it’s just that when we fuck, I don’t feel complete, I feel like I need something else. I feel like I need a bigger cock inside me, just once more in my life. I could spend the rest of my life with Jake, we could have the kids he’s always on at me about, I could have a decent life with regular, acceptable sex, I could be happy, a little unfulfilled, but happy I suppose, and then every now and again, once a month lets say, I could find someone with a much bigger cock, someone that would make a donkey blush, and they’d make my life complete.
The mirror didn’t respond to me. I just looked at myself, the messy room around me, filled with Jake’s things, and I felt a worrying sense of disconnection. I had been with Jake since I was nineteen. The next five years seemed like a complete blur. Photos had been pushed into the edge of the mirror of this time, like memories that belonged to someone else. I didn’t feel like the girl inside them. I’d been in and out of a few shitty relationships, a few amazing relationships too, with men that I couldn’t find a way of keeping – I often think about Adam, the way his lips turned up at the end of his mouth when he smiled, and the way his dick bent down at the very tip like a candy cane – and when Jake came along, it seemed right.
I know lots of people have secret fantasies. There are plenty of married couples where the husband secretly fetishizes about men, or the woman wants to have sex with a whole rugby team at once, and sometimes these are shared and explored, and sometimes they aren’t, and the dreamer who dreams them leaves them as fantasies and never as realities, and presses on with their turgid life as though they can do nothing else. How can I tell Jake that his penis is too small? How can I tell the man I’ve been with for almost six years, the man I’ve talked about starting a family with, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, the man I’ve travelled the world with, that he doesn’t satisfy me? The answer is, I can’t.
‘Fantasies are better left as fantasies’, I think I read somewhere once, arguing that as soon as you turn a fantasy into a reality, you lose control of it, and it’s never how you imagine it to be. It can only ever be worse than the image you have created in your mind. How bad can it be? How can exploring a fantasy be bad in any way? I think whoever wrote that, must have been unable to explore their own fantasies, or couldn’t cope with the guilt of doing so.
I haven’t always been faithful to Jake. I went on a hen party in the North of England once. A debaucherous weekend up in Newcastle, with a group of my University friends. We got drunk, headed to a sleazy cut price version of a Chippendale show, and I couldn’t hold myself back. One of the dancers had a cock that I knew would make me weep tears of pleasure and joy, and justifying it to myself – a reasoned argument with a drunk is easy -I slept with him. Boy did we fuck. Jake doesn’t know this. The only people who do, I no longer see, all of us having drifted apart in the years after University. I wasn’t the only one who ‘played away’ that night either. The bride to be decided to have one last go at what she would soon be missing out on, and, three months after the wedding, she realised the baby growing in her womb wasn’t her own. Her husband found out and a month after that they crumbled apart. Now she no longer has baby, or partner.
I think about that sometimes. I felt so bad for such a long time after I cheated on Jake, and it took an inhuman effort to resist from doing it again. I thought quite seriously about breaking up with him, but when I looked at what I would be gaining and loosing if I did, the argument had absolutely no weight. I consoled myself with the reasoning that I’d found the perfect guy, and he just happened to have a penis a little bit smaller than the size I liked. I couldn’t have both. At least not in the way that I wanted. That’s when I bought the ‘terminator’ – a huge thick dildo designed especially for people like me, and decided to be faithful from that point on. The terminator is a wonderful device, and I have since added the ‘enforcer’, the ‘magnum’, and the ‘persuader’ to my collection. Every single one of these things is incredible, but they aren’t real. They just aren’t what I need.
Jake looks happy in the photos. I pull one out – one taken at Machu Picchu, and the distracted look I have on my face worries me. Jake is smiling – the big grin that emphasises the half centimetre gap he has in his two front teeth, and serves to characterise him. I take another out, and I’m wearing the same vacant expression. I can’t find a single one that doesn’t look like I’m somewhere else. I wonder if the girl in the photos was ever me.
***
There is a new intern at work assigned to me. He smiles at me when we talk, and I look at his arse when he walks back to his desk. He is eighteen, untidy, clearly too attractive for me. I can’t help but flirt with him. I think I do it without thinking sometimes. Forgive me Jake, I know not what I do.
Sophie has fucked him already. Sophie fucks every intern that comes through the door, as though it’s a requirement of her job. Sophie says she has never seen anything like it. Sophie says if she had let him, he would have ripped her in half. When she told us all this, I saw a memory flash through her mind, and her eyes go dull and distant, as though she was remembering some deep seated tragedy – one she’d never been able to shake. Sophie doesn’t lie.
Each time he comes to my desk, I feel like a reformed heroin addict being offered a fix. I feel like an ex-alcoholic at a free bar. We are friends. We chat. We have similar interests. The age gap is surmountable. He has a huge penis. He has a huge penis and my boyfriend of five years does not. Oh Jake, forgive me, for I know not what I do.
There are works drinks this Friday. I casually ask Theo what he is doing, as though it’s the most natural thing in the world. As though the fact that Jake is going away for the weekend, and I am already making plans in my head for what I want to do, are completely unrelated. Asking Theo on Wednesday is fine. It’s not like I’ve been thinking about the possibilities since Alice suggested the drinks. It’s not that I need this more than anything else in my life right now.
‘There are a few of us going’, I say. ‘You should come.’
‘Maybe’, he says. ‘I’ll let you know.’
And then he walks back to his desk, and I look at his arse, and when he is gone I turn back to my computer and see the cursor blinking and wonder what the fuck I’ve spent the last thirty minutes doing, because what I’ve written makes absolutely no sense to me at all.
Jackie slides across the floor to me. She has a habit of doing that. If she could slide everywhere without getting up from her seat she would. She grabs the space of desk between us and swings herself over like a waltzer car. Before she says what she wants to say, she looks around to check no-one is looking. Then she leans into me, a little to close for comfort, because Jackie likes to eat fish for lunch, and says,
‘Cute isn’t he? A bit young for me, but I’d still have a go. Sophie says he’s hung like a horse too, can you imagine?’
Jackie puts her hands into the air to demonstrate. ‘Like a horse’, she mouths, nodding and widening her eyes for emphasis. After that she grabs the middle of the desk again, and swings herself back to her original position.
I’m drunk. Theo came, he’s here somewhere, talking to one of the girls. Jackie is hovering around him like a love struck teenage girl. Mark is trying to tell me how we can improve our key performance indexes by halving renewal subscription rates for existing customers. I nod politely, but I’m waiting for a lull in the conversation to escape.
I see Theo across the pub floor, he smiles at me and winks. Oh fuck. That was a definite come on.
Later, I’m on my own at the bar, waiting to be served. I haven’t said anything to Theo all night. I have a whole conversation planned in my head that has done nothing but stay there, as though it doesn’t exist at all. I’m thinking about him, about what I can do to get him, about Jake too. About poor Jake. Someone closes the gap next to me.
‘Can I get you this one?’
The voice is Theo’s. I’m a million miles away for a moment, until I control it. I smile as though I’ve been waiting for him all night. As though Theo is my husband, and now he’s in his rightful place.
‘Sure’, I say. ‘That would be lovely.’
Am I doing this?
No-one saw us leave together. Not like that. I feel like I’m smuggling a known criminal into my house. No wait, it’s not like that. I feel like I’m smuggling a refugee into my house. It’s something that shouldn’t be prohibited, but is.
We have already kissed. He pressed me up against the wall of the tube station, held my throat and kissed me. Now we are in my house. Now we are in my bedroom, in the bed that I share with my boyfriend. My future husband and my present addiction.
I am so excited, I can’t think straight. My heart is lilting and twitching as adrenalin courses through my body, from my brain to my tight wet little cunt. It is the feeling of doing something that I know I shouldn’t. It is the feeling of anticipation, of finally giving myself what I have been yearning for so long. I feel like a vampire about to feed.
Theo pulls at my top urgently. I help him, and together we rip it off. My bra is next. We giggle as the clasp catches momentarily, finally freeing itself, and my tits in the process. I throw it to the floor and pull him into me. His hands work quickly, massaging my supple skin and pulling my nipples into thickening stalks. I push my hand underneath his T-shirt, working my fingers towards his nipples. He knows what I want so he gives it to me. The T-shirt ends up in a crumpled pile in a darkened corner of the room, mixed in with several others that don’t belong to either one of us.
I need him. Jake, I need him. I need it.
I roll him over so I can get at his treasure, like a pirate who’s just found the X. I twist out from underneath him, and he spreads his arms out on the bed like he’s about to make a snow angel.
I don’t mess around. I’ll explode if I don’t get him inside me soon. I kiss his belly, work my hands to the buttons on his jeans, and begin to undo them.
‘Wait’, he says, sitting up.
I don’t. Nothing can stop me getting what I want now. Nothing is going to stop me putting his huge cock inside my quivering pussy, and fucking him until I scream. Fuck the terminator, the enforcer, the persuader. Fuck the magnum and the magnum XXX. Fuck them all.
‘Wait’, he says again.
I can see the outline of his cock through his jeans. I can feel the heat and strength of it against my hands. I want to see it. I want to feel my flesh on his.
His hands go to mine to stop me. I look up to him with a face of complete and utter confusion.
‘I’m bigger than normal’, he says. ‘You should know.’
‘I know’, I say. Boy do I know.
He lets me continue. I work all the buttons down and can see his tight white boxer shorts. The thickness of his shaft disappearing somewhere deep underneath the denim. My heart is in my mouth. I am so wet, I can feel pearls of moisture beading on my upper thighs. If I concentrated hard enough, I could probably cum without even putting him inside me. Fuck that. I’m going to enjoy this. Pace myself and enjoy this. It could be another five years before I allow myself this pleasure again.
‘Are you ready?’ Theo says. He’s up on his elbows watching me.
I nod. I pull his jeans down, and slowly, but surely, his mammoth cock comes into view.
‘Holy Fuck’, I say, before I’ve even seen the tip. Holy Fuck. He’s bigger than the terminator. Wider than the persuader, thicker than the magnum, and more veiny than the enforcer. I pull his jeans down to his ankles, and sit back on my heels just to admire him. He is an incredible specimen. I have stars in my eyes and feel light headed. Theo is hung like a horse. Jackie was right. Like a fucking horse.
‘You can touch it if you want.’
He’s not even fully erect. His cock hangs almost to his knees and he’s not yet fully erect. Even for me, this might be a challenge.
‘I’ve never’, I say, and then stop myself. We look at each other, then we both look down to his cock, and we giggle. I can’t help myself. I reach out, grab his shaft and begin to squeeze. Already I feel him hardening in my palm. I squeeze again, as though pumping blood into him, and his cock begins to rise. I use my other hand too, so I’m held onto his shaft like someone might be to a rope in a tug of war. I begin to wank him, slowly drawing his foreskin over his immense glans, and he hardens even further. As he rises, I shift the position of my hands, so it looks like I’m trying to climb up a pole, and with both hands tight around his cock, pull him towards my mouth.
I’m knelt down, Theo is on his back, and I hardly have to bend to put him inside me. If he wanted to, he could do this himself. We could pass his cock between us like a sheesha pipe. At the moment, I don’t want to share him. My eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, as I run my tongue underneath his salty rim, dart it back and forth across the soft connective tissue that bridges the gap between his shaft and his crown, and take him into my mouth. I can feel a heart-beat in the tip of his cock as I suck, as though he was born with his heart right there instead of inside his chest. It quivers and pulsates as I pleasure him, sucking as much of him as I can, and running my tongue into a cock-hole almost as big as my anus.
I fuck him with my tongue, and while I suck, I wank as much of him into my mouth as I can manage. I push him into my throat, until I feel the thickness of him choking me, and tears well up in my eyes. This is what I miss with Jake. This is what he cannot give me. Is it too much to ask, to have a cock inside my mouth so big I feel like I’m dying?
I pull out, run my tongue the length of his shaft, suck on his gigantic balls and go back to the top for more.
‘You don’t mind the size?’ Theo asks me, between guttural groans.
‘Are you kidding me? If it doesn’t stretch me, I don’t feel satisfied. The bigger, the better. And this’, I say, pulling the foreskin down on his cock and holding it tight until his bell-end pulses, ‘is the biggest of all.’
‘Show me your pussy’, he says. ‘I want to taste what I’m going to be fucking.’
I’m reluctant to let his cock go, but I have no choice. I hand it to him like a presenter would pass a microphone to a guest, and he wanks himself while he watches me undress. I begin to pull off my jeans.
‘Turn around and do it’, he says, before I have time to lower them. I turn around.
‘Bend over, I want to see your pussy like that’, he says. ‘From behind.’
I do as he says. He could get me to do anything he wanted, with something like that between his legs. I would turn myself into his sex slave just to get a look at his huge swollen cock.
I bend over and pull my jeans and knickers down. I can hear Theo moan as I’ve come into view. I hear him sit up on the bed and shuffle himself closer.
‘Open your pussy lips’, he says. Show me inside.’
I reach behind my back to my pussy and pull open my lips as he’s commanded. My pussy is moist and incredibly sensitive. Even the slightest touch I give myself around the outside sends shivers up and down my back. I want him inside me.
‘Fuck me’, I say.
‘Play with yourself first’, he says. ‘Show me how you like it.’
He’s teasing me, but there is nothing I can do. I run a finger along my slit, rub my clitoris and find my hole. I push two fingers into myself, and then add a third. After a while I’m fingering myself with all four, ramming them violently into my hole and stretching my pussy wide. I can tell Theo is impressed. Now, we are both moaning.
I could cum like this, but I don’t want to. I’m about to call him again to persuade him to come over and fuck me, but just like he did at the bar earlier in the night, he’s already read my mind. He’s underneath me now, and I feel his hand on my wrist, pull my fingers out of my pussy. He licks my fingers, and then I feel his tongue all over my pussy, lapping at me like an excited dog. I push my pussy down onto his tongue, and I feel it disappear up inside me. He pushes my arse cheeks apart to lick my ass-hole, and then he moves his tongue across my gash and up to my clit. My knees weaken as he teases me, and I almost come crashing to the ground. I feel like heaven has come down to earth, and I know it’s only going to get better.
‘You taste amazing’, he says. ‘I knew you would. I could tell the moment I saw you.’
‘Fuck me Theo’, I say. ‘I need you inside me.’
There is nothing like it. No sensation in this world or any other that comes anywhere near as close as being this perfect. I could die in that moment and be the happiest person that has ever lived. I’m sorry Jake, but I don’t need anything else. Selfish is only a negative word for people that never get to experience happiness.
Theo turns me around so I’m stretched out over the bed. I have one knee up, partly because it’s easier that way, partly because Theo can see himself inside me more easily.
I’m ready.
He is so far behind me, he almost has to stretch to put his hand on my arse to steady himself. The other is on his cock. One moment I’m a faithful girlfriend, the next I’m an addict, falling off the wagon. His crown is against my clit, it’s against my urethra, my hole and my anus. It is against my whole body all at once.
I’m ready. Oh boy am I ready. I have looked forward to this for so long. Fuck the terminator, there is nothing like the real thing. Fuck the fantasy, you do this and tell me reality isn’t way way way better.
Theo pushes. I hold open my pussy as best as I can. It feels like he is trying to force a baseball bat inside me. It feels incredible in ways I am unable to describe. It feels like perfection and nothing else. I push back, he readjusts, pushes again. I arch my back, tilt my arse up into the air, open myself up as best as I can. Oh my god, it’s coming. Oh the pain, I love the pain so much.
I feel adrenaline course through my body like a shot of morphine. I feel my pussy stretching and burning like someone has both of their hands inside me and is tearing me apart, and then I feel him enter me, and the whole world change, as though finally I’ve let myself become who I always really was.
He’s inside me, and I feel like I’ve just dipped a wound into the healing waters at Lourdes. The pain of entry has been overwhelmed by the pleasure now coursing through my body as he pushes his meaty weapon inside me, like a sword into freshly churned butter.
This is sex. This is what sex should be for me. Violent, intrusive, forceful, painful, and overwhelmingly ecstatic. It should be a sensation like nothing else on earth. When Jake fucks me, I feel like a mosquito has bitten me. Theo feels like a fucking serpent. He feels like a god.
Fuck me that feels good.
‘Fuck me hard Theo’, I say. ‘Stretch me.’ I want to feel you so deeply your cock’s like a lollipop stick and I’m the sugary treat.
Theo does not disappoint. This is sex at its hardest and dirtiest. He has been tentative, and now he’s fucking me like a lion. His cock is widening me, and each thrust pushes me further apart. Each magnificent blow makes me feel one more step closer to perfection.
‘Push it all the way into me’, I shout at him, almost angrily.
‘Are you sure?’ He says. ‘I don’t usually.’
‘Do it’, I command, and as he does, I feel him push so far inside me, I wonder if he’s torn through the wall to my womb. I don’t care if I see him come out of my body between my tits, like an alien, this feels amazing.
‘That’s it’, I say, almost crying. ‘That’s it. Oh fuck yeah, fuck me like that. Fuck me hard like that.’
I feel his balls slap against my pussy lips, and I know he’s there. I reach behind me, and I feel a thickness wedged into my pussy that I almost can’t believe.
I feel it building as I knew I would. I never feel like this with Jake. I never come like this with him. It is never this powerful or this meaningful. I feel it building, like ladders stretching to the moon. I’m crying. Screaming and crying.
‘Are you ok?’ Theo says, worry haunting his voice.
‘I have never felt better than this in my life’, I tell him, and it’s true.
I’m overwhelmed by the intensity of the sensation. I knew it would be good with Theo, as it always is with men with huge cocks, but this was something else. This was, Godlike.
‘I’m going to.’
Oh fuck.
‘Are you ready. I’m going to.’
Oh fuck.
‘I want you to.’
Oh my fucking life.
It hit me then. It had been creeping up on me for five years. Hiding in the shadows, hunting me down, waiting, but it finally caught up with me then. I’m sorry Jake, you’re not the cock for me. This is an addiction. I don’t know what love is, but I don’t care. Perhaps its an invention to make an excuse for giving up on pleasure. Nothing is as good as this. I can’t live without it.
I scream so loudly that the whole street will be able to hear me. I don’t care. Nothing matters to me in that moment. I come so hard I feel like I’m shattering into a million pieces. Theo is no longer inside me, he is part of me, he’s no longer the lollipop to my sugary treat, he’s the fucking fire in my volcano. I explode around him, pleasure searing through every single square inch of my skin. I feel fire burn through the inside of my body and engulf me like a blanket. I’m high, climbing higher and higher with no chance of coming back down. I am, in that moment, perfection.
I collapse to the bed. Theo comes with me, his huge cock having no chance of coming free, unless he and I both want it. He mounts me, leans forward, nuzzles into my neck and bites my ear. He lifts his arse, slowly withdraws his cock and begins to fuck me again.
I feel every single thrust like a bullet going through me. I feel like he is stabbing me over and over again, but instead of filling me with pain, each attack just enhances the pleasure I’m feeling, until I wonder how much higher I can go without losing consciousness.
When he comes, he presses himself so tightly onto my back, I can feel his heart beating against mine. His balls tighten hard like conkers against my pussy lips, his glans swells, locking himself inside me like a rutting animal, and I know it is upon him. He unleashes all hell inside me, and I feel completeness fill me as though his cum itself is drawn from the fountain of life.
We stay like that for a long time, neither of us with any desire to move. Finally, when his cock grows uncomfortable inside me, he withdraws it, like a warrior would a sword from his sheath.
He rolls over, and I do too. As his cum begins to seep out of me, and into the duvet I will spend a whole day washing and re-washing, we stare up to the ceiling. I can’t help but wonder why I’ve left it for so long.
Theo stays the night. In the morning we have breakfast, shower together, fuck again, and then he is gone. Jake has called three times, and left a handful of messages. He is that kind of boyfriend. Overprotective and suffocating. Loving. Caring.
I wash the sheets. The duvets, the pillowcases. I wash Theo away from the house and I try to wash him away from my memories, but I can’t and I know I won’t be able to.
When Jake returns on Sunday evening, we kiss, we cuddle, and we fuck. I close my eyes, let him come inside me and wait for it all to be over.
