“Ihope you’re fucking happy, you piece of shit.” Elías shoves me.
Sweat runs down my face after an intense practice session. My parents thought it would be a good idea to skip the rest of the race weekend, but I couldn’t do that to my team. Plus, missing would set off too many of Elena’s alarms. I couldn’t give a shit about winning the Championship anymore, not when I lost so much already. Even being a few points behind Noah is lackluster. How could I be happy about possibly winning a Championship in a couple of months when I have nothing to look forward to afterwards?
Somehow, Elías kept his anger at bay for a few hours while we finished interviews and practiced around the track. It was no secret he resented me for what I did to Elena this morning, but he kept it professional in front of reporters and the crew. My moment of peace comes to an end as he stares at me with his nostrils flaring and his eyes wild and out for my blood.
Elías pushes me again, causing mechanics to stare at us.
I snap. “Keep your hands to yourself before I show you how nice mine feel when they rearrange your face.”
Elías snarls. “You’re the worst teammate. The worst boyfriend. Just the absolute fucking worst.”
“Do you plan on sharing some new information with me?” I pocket my hands to hide their trembling.
“I shouldn’t have told her to try anything with you. You ruined everything. Now her grandma has to move to a new facility after getting used to her new home. All because you’re an asshole who couldn’t keep your cool for one year. One fucking year! Elena and I grew up with barely anything, and you’re here ruining her job because you want to. I’m going to make it my personal mission to make your life miserable here. I promise you.”
My body stiffens. “What do you mean her gran will have to move homes?”
Elías’s fists tighten. “Your contract was based on a monthly pay. Now that the season is cut short for her, she can’t afford that new place. And Elena doesn’t accept shit from people without her working for it, so she’ll never take my money if I offer to pay for her abuela’s stay. Trust me, I’ve tried. Your little stunt not only made it hard for others to hire her but now she doesn’t get the bonus she was relying on to pay off her bills. So, fuck you, Kingston. I hope getting drunk was worth ruining your reputation and hers.” Elías flips me off and leaves the garage.
Shit. I didn’t think through the issue about Elena’s contract. How could I when I was battling my own news.
Fuck. Motherfucking shit. This is why I overanalyze decisions. Irrational ones like the one I did lead to shit like this. I ignore the anxiety creeping into my brain because I don’t have the luxury of freaking out right now. Elena needs my help whether she wants it or not. It’s the least I can do.
I hurry to Connor’s office and barge in without knocking.
“It was only a matter of time before I saw you again. Come back for more berating? I’m surprised this morning’s lecture wasn’t painful enough for you.”
Trust me, his lecture was the least painful thing of my entire week.
“I’m not here for me. I need to talk to you about Elena.”
Connor shakes his head. “Why do you care? You’re the one who didn’t want her around.”
I sit in the empty chair across from his desk. “I don’t want her around but that doesn’t mean I think she shouldn’t be paid for all the harm I’ve caused. I’ll cover the rest of Elena’s contract, so don’t withhold her pay because of my mistake. Consider it hazard pay.”
“I should say no so you learn your lesson and live with the consequences of your actions.”
My hope takes a skydive. “Punish me however you want. I don’t give a shit as long as she gets the money she always planned on receiving.” My voice hints at the desperation I feel.
Connor sits back in his chair and stares at me. “Tell me why you did it and I’ll see if I feel up to your demand.”
“No.”
“You’re not in the position to bargain. If you don’t share, then it’s not my problem what happens to her.” He shrugs, dismissing me.
I weigh my decision carefully. A few deep breaths do nothing to ease the heaviness in my stomach. “I didn’t plan on ruining her chance at a job and her paychecks.”
“Yet you did.” He taps his pen against the desk.
One deep breath. Two deep breaths. Three—oh fuck this shit.
“I took the genetic test.”
Connor’s face shifts from anger to compassion. “Fuck.”
“I didn’t get the results I was hoping.” I look away from Connor’s gaze, afraid to see his pity. Accepting others’ sympathy feels like a way of accepting my disease, and I’m not ready for that.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Jax, even though my apology can never be enough for you. How can I help?”
I swallow, fighting the thoughts threatening to consume me. I’ve avoided talking to everyone about it, including my parents because denial seems safer than accepting the bleak outcome of my life.
The first thought I had yesterday was how I needed to push Elena away. Not because of my own selfish reasons, but because I couldn’t be selfish enough. And let’s face it—a lot of decisions in my life have been centered around myself. But ending things with Elena? That was 100% the most difficult thing I did to myself.
“I want things to be normal. I don’t need anyone else knowing before the season ends. If I even decide to say anything.”
“But is the pressure good for you? I don’t want F1 to put your body through more stress.”
“This is all I have going for me. I’ve survived my whole life behind the wheel so I think I can handle the rest of the season.”
Connor nods his head. “I’ll help Elena out. Don’t worry about it.”
“Don’t tell her it’s because of me, please.”
“You’re really letting her go?”
I look away. “She was never mine to keep. Life with me would be like living in a gilded cage—pretty to look at, but a cage nonetheless.”
I’ve never experienced a pain quite like breaking Elena’s heart. Learning about my diagnosis and ruining any chance of me having a future with the person I love all in twenty-four hours drained me. I fight everything in me to not call her and beg for a chance. To not fight for her and us because I can’t imagine not having her around.
It takes a gross amount of strength to enter our bedroom after this morning’s fight.
My bedroom.
I take a shower to give myself something to do. Something in the trash bin catches my eye when I’m about to exit the bathroom. I grab the bin and tip it upside down. Every nightlight I bought Elena falls into the sink. The dull pain in my chest becomes a full-blown wound as I find her little purple notes she must’ve taken out of my bottle of pills.
I struggle between wanting to smash my fist into the mirror and grabbing a mini bottle of alcohol from the fridge to drown my emotions. Fighting the urge, I vote against the two options, hoping I can control myself enough to get past this rough patch.
I pluck the notes from the sink. Instead of returning them to the bin, I put them in my carry-on bag. My hands shake as I throw each nightlight back in the bin because I have no use for them.
I lay in the dark, struggling to fall asleep for the first time without Elena. To avoid the temptation of calling her, I head to the bathroom to grab a drink of water. The bin filled with the lights taunts me once again. On a whim, I grab one and plug it into the outlet on Elena’s side of the bed.
I stare at the F1 car and hope she can find it in her heart one day to love someone else. Causing her pain now rather than later seemed like the better option, but the reasoning behind my actions doesn’t ease the pain in my chest.
I can’t imagine her pushing me around in a wheelchair or giving up her choice of having her own child. Her life has been plagued with sacrifice after sacrifice, and I can’t find it in me to be selfish enough to add to her misery.
I close my eyes, accepting the heartbreak, knowing I made the right choice for her.
Mum knocks on my door before coming into the hotel bedroom. “Your dad wanted me to ask if you were interested in grabbing dinner with us? We don’t want you going to bed hungry before your qualifier tomorrow.”
I don’t bother getting up from the bed. After putting on a fake face during practice rounds, all I wanted to do was wallow in my feelings. “No thanks. I’m fine calling for a meal in a bit.”
Mum moves to the other side of the bed and climbs onto it. She lies down and grabs my hand like I’m a little kid again. “Tell me how I can make this better. How can I fix it?”
“There’s nothing to fix. It’s done because I destroyed everything.”
She squeezes my hand tighter. “You can always apologize. If you regret it, it’s never too late to make things right with Elena. You’re in a vulnerable place right now. She would understand more than anyone how things can spiral out of control.”
“No, she won’t. I made sure she wouldn’t want to be with me ever again, let alone speak to me. I used every secret and vulnerable moment she’s ever shared with me against her.”
“Why?” Mum can’t help the sadness in her voice.
“Because I’m not her knight in shining armor. I’m the grim fucking reaper, stealing away her goddamn future.”
“I feel so guilty. It breaks my heart to hear you talk like this.” She turns her head. A few tears stream down her face onto my pillow.
A cold sensation spreads through my body at my mum’s distress. “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry.”
“I can’t help it. You’re my child, and I brought this upon you. It’s my fault.”
“It was a fifty-fifty chance. The odds were stacked against me from the start.”
“But you were happy.” She wipes away a few tears. “You were finally finding happiness. I should’ve discouraged you from taking the test. Instead I helped you, thinking it would be different. And now…”
“Now I saved Elena from a life of pain. Not knowing would’ve eaten away at me eventually. Better to know now than later, after marriage and…”
“Kids.” Mum nods her head in understanding.
“I wouldn’t have been able to deny Elena that experience. If we ever got serious like that.”
“Shouldn’t you let her decide that?”
“She would decide to stand by me.”
“Then that’s someone you want in your corner from the get-go.” Mum offers me a wobbly smile.
“You don’t get it. I can’t carry that weight of her being unhappy with me. I would never have a child of my own, knowing I could pass on the gene. That and I wouldn’t want my girlfriend, or maybe wife one day, to take care of me while I waste away.”
She recoils, her body tensing. “Is that how you think your dad feels about me?”
“Shit. No. Dad loves you more than anything. But I’m not blind to the pain it causes him to see you upset and hurting.”
Her lip trembles. “I beg you to reconsider your relationship with Elena. You don’t want to be making a serious decision when you’re emotional and lost. You received news that would turn anyone’s world upside down, and that’s not the time to make a life-changing decision.”
“I ruined any chance of us getting back together either way. I had to do it. I honestly didn’t expect the test to be positive.” My voice chokes. “I thought I had a real chance because the tremors were better after switching medications and my anxiety was more controlled.”
I did my job well, demolishing all of Elena’s hope toward having any kind of life with me. I embraced her hurt like it was my own, with each pained word escaping her mouth hitting me like a dagger to the chest.
I had hope, for once. And like everything in my life, it was useless and temporary.
Mum squeezes my hand harder. “I know. I was hoping it wasn’t. God, I prayed day and night after we booked the appointment.”
One tear leaks out of my eye. I’m not used to crying, but everything feels like it’s crashing down around me. Every single damn thing. “Where do I go from here?”
“You’ll rise above this and take advantage of all those years you have left. I can’t answer what you want from life. Only you can.”
“Everything I wanted or thought I wanted, seems impossible.” I stare up at the ceiling.
“Only to you.” Mum remains quiet, keeping me company amidst my misery.
Mum doesn’t say anything else. She holds my hand while I teeter on the edge of breaking, not wanting to push me over the edge.
My sadness recedes, replaced by emptiness.
Black, numbing emptiness.
