I’m fine.
A wobbly breath shuffled out of my mouth as I powered my phone down, not wanting to hear his voice through the other line. There was an ever-present ache in between each breath that I forced from my lungs, but I focused on the chill in the air and blamed the trembling of my lip on that instead of the complete and utter disbelief that I was feeling in every hidden part of my body.
I knew I was in self-preservation mode, blocking out the visual of my boyfriend openly cheating on me in the middle of a college party that he swore he’d never go to. The feeling of inadequacy was completely going unnoticed as I hid from the disappointment and feeling of defeat. If anyone were to look into my eyes, they’d see the hurt there, but I was fine.
There were a million and ten questions going through my head, all of which were skirting right past the empty feeling in my heart and more so revolving around my mother and our future. Was her job at stake? What about the money we owed? Would they require my mother to pay it back in full if Chad and I weren’t together? His warnings were at the forefront of my brain, and even though I tried, I couldn’t hide from those—not when they’d been pounded into my skull for over a year.
“Shit.” The word was as bleak as I felt.
I wrapped my arms around my midsection, hiding from the cool wind. I wasn’t even sure where I was. I refused to turn my phone back on to pull up my map, though, because if I saw Chad’s name flash across the screen, I couldn’t be sure that I wouldn’t throw the device into moving traffic. And let’s face it, I couldn’t afford a new phone.
The frat houses along the street were partying in full force. The music was blending together, and I was thankful that it was drowning out my thoughts. I stepped down onto the curb to cross the road and stopped at the last second as a car flashed its lights at me. I squinted and blocked the brightness with my hand, but when they pulled up beside me, I felt like I’d swallowed my own tongue.
“Get in.”
Honestly, the last person I wanted to see—other than Chad—was Theo. I didn’t want to face him—not after I learned that he was right.
“No thanks,” I said, stepping back onto the curb and walking along the sidewalk again. I still had no idea where I was going, but it felt right to keep moving forward.
“Claire. Get in my car.”
“I would rather walk right now. I n-n-need the fresh air.” I was used to the cold, northern air, but I wasn’t exactly dressed warmly, and I cursed my dead giveaway that I was freezing.
Theo’s car trailed behind me for a few steps until he said, “You know you’re going in the wrong direction, right?”
I paused, and next thing I knew, Theo’s passenger door was opened, and he was leaning over the center console. The small lights above his head showcased the tiny shadows along his ticking temples, and I sighed in relief at the heat coming from his dashboard. “Just get in my car, Bryant.”
I zipped up the emotions that were clogging my eyes and focused on a different type of emotion. Instead of getting into his passenger seat, I moved past the open door and slid into the backseat instead.
“Seriously?” I peeked at Theo as he half-turned around and looked at me sitting in his backseat. “You’re that stubborn?” He sighed agitatedly when I didn’t answer and leaned over the empty passenger seat and shut the door, closing out the cool air. I sighed in relief, trying to keep my teeth from chattering, but apparently, Theo had noticed, because I watched as his steady fingers adjusted the vents along his dashboard to point in the backseat.
Nothing but the sound of heat blasting from the vents filled the tiny space between us, but to my surprise, it wasn’t as uncomfortable as it should have been.
The moment we pulled up to the dorms, I quickly opened my door. His car wasn’t even off by the time I unsnapped the seatbelt and started toward the dorms. Apparently, Theo was a freaking magician, though, because when I went to open the door to Dorothy Hall, his large hand was there, and he opened it for me. I went to murmur a thank you but did a double-take at his swollen, bright-red knuckles with the tiniest splatter of blood against them. My cold, shaky hand landed on his wrist, and I examined it before pulling us both inside the warm hall.
“Did you hit Chad?” My voice bordered on terror.
“Yep.” Theo looked away, but there was a bite to his answer. “Got a problem with that?” His question felt like a test, as if he wanted me to stand up for Chad just so he could shoot me down.
My slightly gaped mouth snapped shut, and I dropped his hand. “Thanks for the ride.” It was a race for me to get back to our room, and I hoped with everything I had left in me that Theo would head back to the party and leave me be.
Knowing that Theo hit Chad made me panic. Shit. I began to feel lightheaded as I fumbled with my room key. I let out a quivery breath before I smelled Theo’s cologne, and a moment later, his hands gripped my waist. He gently moved me over so he could take charge and unlock our door.
The moment we were inside, I rushed over to my dresser and pulled out some comfortable clothes. When I spun back around with my clothes held tightly in my grip, I spotted Theo leaning against the edge of his desk with his arms crossed over his chest. A second passed in silence before I blurted out the question I didn’t want the answer to.
“Is that why you nudged me to go to the party?” I gulped up a mouthful of air, bringing my clothes to my chest as a shield. “You wanted me to see it for myself?”
The angry lines around Theo’s mouth lessened. He popped off from the desk and shook his head. “Believe it or not, Bryant, I’m not as bad as you make me out to be. I had no idea he’d be there.”
“But you were right.” And I was humiliated.
The clanking of his teeth confused me. “I didn’t want to be right about that.” More silence passed, and I dropped my gaze to the floor, feeling worse the longer I stood there, seeming pathetic in front of someone like Theo Brooks. A deep sense of sadness started to move through my body, and my chest grew tight. The floor began to grow blurry, and I bit my tongue to keep myself from breaking. Chad’s lips against someone else’s was something that was hard to swallow. My face stung like I was being slapped with the visual over and over again.
“I’m going to get ready for bed,” I announced, all but running over to the door to head to the bathrooms. It took less than ten minutes for me to get changed and to brush my teeth, because I was afraid Chad would show up to my room and corner me in the hallway.
Theo looked at me abruptly when I stormed in the room and charged over to my bed. We made eye contact for a single second before I climbed under the covers, not bothering to plug my phone in.
My back was to him, and I pulled the blankets up high in a poor attempt to block out the world. I ran through my dance routine in my head, doing eight counts in another poor attempt to keep things locked away, and was immensely thankful when Theo turned off the light.
Thank God.
My breathing was picking up speed as I gripped my blankets tightly, doing everything I possibly could to keep myself together. I’m fine. Numbers floated throughout my head like I was back in statistics class as I worked over how my mother and I could pay back Chad’s parents if they demanded she pay up front.
His parents were kind to us, but they weren’t good people down to their core. It wasn’t like Chad’s mother baked cookies on Sunday mornings and donated to charities. They weren’t warm. They could be ruthless if they wanted, and although Chad was at fault by cheating on me, he was still their son, and unfortunately, our families were tied in more ways than just our relationship.
A single tear fell down my cheek, and I bit my tongue so hard it bled. My throat was tight, and the knot only grew tighter the more I tried to keep my emotions locked away.
I cleared my throat and gripped my blanket harder.
Am I not good enough?
Did I subconsciously become a shitty girlfriend because I knew, deep down, I didn’t love Chad like he thought I did? I cared for Chad—I did. There was once a time where his eyes in my direction made my heart jump. But he changed. I changed. And our relationship changed. It became more about how I could please him so he would stop making me feel less worthy, and less about how I could please him because I liked to see him happy.
I knew I was a people-pleaser, and I knew the reason why. There was once someone before Chad that made me feel unfit and less worthy. And sadly, I didn’t even know his name. My father’s face was a blur in my mind. All I had to go off of were my mother’s insults and disapproval of the man who I hadn’t even met. ‘He didn’t want you, Claire.’ And apparently, neither did Chad.
“Claire.” Theo’s declaration of my first name was a slice in the hold I had on my emotions. A hiccup of hurt crashed through the room, and I quickly tried to cover it up by shifting under the blankets.
Did he hear that?
The tears were an open floodgate, and all my stress, worries, and hurt came out at once, and I couldn’t stop them. Shit. Shit. Shit. Not only was I humiliated, I was now embarrassed.
“Claire…are you ok?”
My pillow was wet from my tears, and I quickly wiped my face, irritated that I was crying. I’m fine. My chest ached, and my lungs burned from trying to hold everything in. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to breathe through my mouth slowly so I could get it together, but when I felt a dip in my bed, my breathing stopped altogether.
The room was dark, but I opened my eyes, knowing that my vision was completely clear now. My entire body tensed when Theo’s heavy arm draped around my waist, and his chest clung to my back.
“What…” I sounded like I hadn’t spoken in days by the rasp in my voice. Clearing my throat, I tried again. “What are you doing, Theo? I’m fine.”
His chuckle rumbled against my back as his breath tickled my hair. “I have ears, Bryant. I can hear you crying.”
“I am not crying,” I lied. My cheeks blasted with heat from embarrassment.
“You’ve gotta be the most stubborn person I have ever met.”
I wiped at my face again, and Theo’s hand gripped my wrist so tightly I couldn’t move it if I wanted. His palm against my skin was comforting, and it made my lip wobble. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had ever held me while I cried. I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried in front of someone.
“You can cry in front of me, Claire. It’s alright.” His voice was soft and comforting, and those were two words I had never expected to use while describing someone like him.
Damn it. My shoulders shook, and if Theo wasn’t holding me against his chest, my entire body would have shuddered. His fingers around my wrist had lessened when he pulled me in tighter, and I swore I heard him shush me at one point. My tears went on for entirely too long—much longer than I had wanted them to—but being trapped in Theo’s arms came with a security that I hadn’t expected. My emotions were all over the place. I hurt in places that I hadn’t hurt before but was comforted in ways that I’d never felt before, either. It was like being pulled in two different directions.
Theo’s breathing had slowed against my back, and when I was certain he had fallen asleep, I began to pluck the emotions one by one until I settled on anger. I huffed with rage, hating that I allowed myself to crumble from a broken heart—if even just for a few moments. My chest was as tight as a knot as I swiped my cheek one last time before Theo’s heavy arm flexed around my waist.
“Moving on to anger now?” his voice rasped against my ear, ruffling my hair. My body stilled, but instead of shying away from him, I latched onto the quietness of the room and our candid moment.
“Yes,” I answered, being fully truthful with him for the first time. Since the moment we met, we’d done nothing but dish out quick jabs and tortured each other with roommate antics feigned by irritation. I’d hidden parts of myself from him and the rest of the world, but I was too worked up and feeling too messy to hide what I was feeling.
“Good,” he whispered, encouraging me. “You should be angry.”
I nodded against his chest, feeling more worked up the longer I lay there.
“So, what are you gonna do about it?” he asked. His arm had moved slightly over the dip in my torso as he turned to his back. Something tingly moved through my body like a slow-rising tidal wave, and there was a pesky little thought in the back of my head that was egging me on to act on my anger in the most deviant way, especially for me.
A shaky breath shuddered from my mouth as I turned onto my side, facing Theo. My quiet voice, with a hint of hoarseness from the inescapable emotions, floated out in front of us. “This isn’t me,” I admitted, feeling unsure but so incredibly angry and hurt at the same time that I didn’t really care.
“What isn’t?” Theo asked, turning his head in my direction. I couldn’t see his face, but I felt his breath land on my lips, and there was a mysterious push against my back that made me hook my leg over his body. His hand slapped over my thigh, spreading his fingers out wide. “Claire.” His breath was heavy. “Don’t do this to me.”
I froze, unsure of what to do. I began teetering on the force inside my belly that was unfamiliar but too enticing not to follow. I didn’t want to think about Chad, or his mouth on someone else, or how unworthy I had felt after seeing him with someone else, or what tomorrow might bring. Even if it was just for a split second. Nothing more than a blink of an eye.
Theo’s hand on my leg gripped me even harder, his fingers digging into my skin with a bite that I didn’t realize I enjoyed until he quickly pulled it away and placed it on my hip, pulling me on top of him in record speed.
“Is this how you plan to get back at him? Fuck me to make yourself feel better?”
Theo’s hands took up the entire fronts of my thighs as he pushed me down. My insides erupted in flames when I felt his hard length between my legs. A gasp suddenly left my lips, and I was quick to admit my truth.
“No,” I whispered, letting my hair fall in between us as I leaned down. My heart was flying through my chest, beating so hard that I winced. I was winded, my breathing labored, and I was full of nerves. “Like I said, that isn’t me.”
“Then what are you doing, Bryant?” Theo’s husky voice and flexing shoulders below my hands were like a silent encouragement, but I had no idea what he was thinking or what he would do if I answered differently.
“I just wanted to know what it would feel like to be wanted again.” My truth was as shocking as shattered glass. My skin was hot, and I was out of breath, partly from the way I felt with his hands on me and partly from the truth I had just let fly out of my mouth. Theo Brooks was seeing parts of me that I didn’t let many people see.
“Every guy on this floor wants you, Bryant. Don’t you dare let your cheating boyfriend make you feel less than.”
Surprise took hold of me when Theo’s hands climbed back to my waist to flip me onto my back. A whoosh of air left my mouth, but he caught it in his when his lips covered mine.
It took my body and mind entirely too long to catch up to one another. I stopped breathing when Theo’s talented tongue swept inside, nearly stealing my soul with one flick inside my mouth. My back arched as his hand went underneath it, pulling me closer to him. Butterflies flew around my lower stomach, and I was warm all over. He managed to coax a whimper from me, and although the kiss only lasted a few seconds, Theo Brooks had allowed me to feel more wanted than Chad ever had in the past.
I felt marked. My lips had been touched by someone who knew what they wanted, and for a moment, I let myself believe that it was me, even if I knew, deep down, that it wasn’t.
