I stood in front of the grill alternating between sipping my beer and moving the hot dogs and hamburgers around with my left hand. I couldn’t stop moving. A nervous energy had come over me ever since she said yes a few hours ago.
Paige, Max, Smitty, and Ashlie were all chatting on the patio, but I couldn’t hear them over my thoughts.
I’d been waiting for this talk for so long, and apparently, she had too.
Having breakfast with her and Canyon earlier had almost been a dream come true. The sadness that came over her when she saw my hand wrecked me, reminding me of how messed up everything between us had become. But it also showed me that she still cared for me.
I wasn’t sure where her head was at, but I still wanted everything with her. So bad. I wanted the weird wall between us to be decimated. I wanted to be able to touch her and hold her. I wanted to be the one to take care of her and Canyon. I wanted to let her know that I knew she was strong and capable, but she shouldn’t have had to do it all on her own. Neither of us ever wanted to be away from each other. I could see that clearly now. With some twisted f’ed up cut off from both sides we had been isolated from each other.
Even if she didn’t want me in the way I wanted her, I’d take whatever she’d give me, even if that meant just friendship and being a coach to Canyon. I just knew that I’d never leave her again. I owed it to her. She was mine to protect all those years ago and I failed.
I’d lived so cynically and had just gone through the motions for so long, she was like a lifeline back to who I was. I just hoped she could see that we could still have what was ours- the life that was meant for us.
Neither of us were the same anymore; life changed us as it changes everyone, but I was still so drawn to her, even more so than before, if that were possible. She was stronger now, anyone who knew her could tell that. Watching her with Canyon was equal parts joyous and painful because it was exactly how I’d always pictured her as a mom. It gave me relief that she’d had him these past eight years. I’d had no one. I’d been stuck in a living hell without any sort of relationships or love. It was just now, since I’d been back here that I realized how much I’d missed in the past years.
“Hey,” Paige came up from behind me, “she just texted me she’ll be here in a minute. Why don’t you go inside and greet them, Smitty can take over the grill.”
My mouth went dry. This would be it. This conversation would decide if we could get back on track after all these years. I took another sip of beer.
Paige patted my shoulder, “Relax! It’s Jules. She came home to us. Go get you girl,” she whispered and gave me a wink.
I nodded and nervously moved toward my front door to wait for them.
I could see Canyon and Troy already running for my door in swim trunks and with their goggles already on. They both had a wadded-up beach towel under their little arms.
Jules was still at her car pulling out a beach bag.
I flung the door open wide so that they didn’t have to knock and held out my fist for a knuckle punch.
“Mom said you have a pool?!” Canyon asked for confirmation.
“Yupp, straight through the house to the backyard. I have an important job for you two though, c’mere.”
They looked at each other in question and then followed me over to my living room closet.
I took two superjet water guns out and handed them to the boys.
They looked at me in awe and cheered.
“Now, here’s the challenge,” I told them seriously. “You want to soak the shi- wups- crap out of Max an Smitty, but you don’t want to get the ladies. Ladies get real mad when you mess up their hair and makeup, make sure you remember that,” I told them.
They both nodded vigorously and were practically jumping out of their skin with excitement.
“Go get ‘em, boys!” I yelled as they scampered off. I looked up to see Jules enter through the door then.
She looked effortlessly beautiful, with her hair piled up in a messy bun, a t-shirt that said hockey mom, cut-off shorts that showed off her toned and impossibly long legs for such a short girl, and some white vans tennis shoes.
“Wow, you’re already stirring up trouble, aren’t you, Mr. Scott?” Jules asked me with a smirk.
I was about to say something smartass back, but I noticed the container she was carrying.
“No way!”
She laughed and her face turned a cute shade of pink, “missed my brownies?”
“Oh my God. Can I have one right now? These are all mine right?”
She giggled as I took the container from her and easily lifted the beach bag off her shoulder and transferred it to mine. Her brownies were like crack to me as a teen. Loved them.
I ripped open the container and shoved a whole one in my mouth.
“Damn” I said with closed eyes, savoring it. Realizing what a weird ass I was being, I flashed my eyes open to look at her, but her eyes just twinkled with amusement.
“You have a beautiful house,” she said, craning her neck to look around a bit.
The word beautiful was meant for her. But I didn’t want to say it and scare her away. We were on shaky ground, and I didn’t know where I stood with her. The look she’d given me in her kitchen was still burned into my mind.
So instead, I cleared my throat and asked, “Want a tour?”
She nodded shyly.
I set her stuff down and reached for her hand. Unnecessary, but I needed to touch her. Just holding her hand made me feel like a fricken teenager. My heart was beating faster from the combination of nerves and hope.
I led her through my kitchen, which was still pretty empty, but I was a fan of the exposed brick.
I had only been here a couple of weeks and this was the first time I was actually settling down in a place. I wanted to get it right; to make it feel like home. I was kind of anxious to show her because I stupidly had this hope that she’d like it here.
I led her downstairs, which I had recently started working on. I framed some of my old jerseys and set it up to look like a mini movie theater complete with a dozen recliners and a huge screen. I topped it off with a pool table and air hockey table in the corners of the room.
She looked around with wide eyes, “Wow, this looks great. Canyon is going to be super jealous.” Her voice was laced with awe and I couldn’t help but feel a little proud at my homemaking skills.
“He’ll approve? I was thinking of having the whole team over before I have to cover the pool for the season.”
She nodded, “They would love that.” She looked back at me and patted my chest, my stomach really because she was so short with flat shoes on, “Look at you, just like a Chip Gaines,” she joked, and her eyes crinkled in the corners. The exact smile I was used to looking at as a teen. She seemed less unsure of herself now; she possessed a more mature beauty, and damn… I think I was even more attracted to her.
When she moved towards the first jersey on the wall my heart practically stopped.
The Texas Titans. I immediately wished I’d covered that one up. It was agonizing to see her looking at it. That jersey was worn when I couldn’t control my emotions over losing her. I’d been devastated all season. It still held such raw emotion because she was supposed to be there. Watching her looking at it made me feel like I was going through a time warp and losing my footing. I rubbed a hand over my face.
“Here, let’s go upstairs.”
She turned from the frame and smiled at me, her eyes looking glossy.
I turned away from her before I lost it. I was afraid of what she’d say.
“I’m so proud of you,” I heard her say quietly.
I felt my chest swell a little in consolation.
I’d never really felt anything about my accomplishments past the celebration of a goal in the moment, but hearing her say it made me feel genuinely proud of my career for possibly the first time.
I turned back around and reached for her hand and caught her eye for a brief second. There were no reservations there. But those unshed tears in her eyes gutted me.
We made our way to the second floor in shared silence. The house had an open floor plan and a ton of windows; you could see the entire kitchen and living room and outside to the pool from where we stood in the upstairs hallway. She peeked around taking it all in, and her eyes rested on the pool outside.
You could hear the boys’ rambunctious laughter all the way from here.
Smitty grabbed Canyon and was jumping into the pool with him.
Her eyes danced with laughter.
“Always the jokester, right?”
“Smitty or my son?” She countered. I didn’t know Canyon well enough yet to know if he was a jokester like Smitty, but I wanted to. I planned on trying my hardest to find out.
I tugged her towards the three guest rooms then.
After looking through them, I turned to head back downstairs. She paused behind me.
“What about your room?” She hugged herself as she said it. “Your place is a bit chilly, just FYI.”
I looked down at her tiny self on the edge of shivering and I felt laughter bubbling up inside of me.
She looked at me confusedly.
I took a couple steps down the stairs and turned to look into her eyes which were level with mine then. I shrugged, “I used to keep the windows open on purpose so that you’d want me as a blanket. Did you know that?”
Her jaw dropped then, and she swatted me on the chest. “You are not serious.”
It was such brief contact, but I wanted her to keep touching me.
I took steps up to tower over her tiny frame, “Dead,” I told her, raising my eyebrows. “But my room… I didn’t clean up…”
She placed her small hand in the middle of my chest and smiled up at me. I wondered if she could tell just how fast it was pumping.
“Wow,” she laughed. “You sound just like Canyon right now. But you really think I don’t know that? Funny, Greyson Scott. You could barely see your bed because it was covered in dirty clothes half the time in college. I remember sleeping in your bed and finding random socks. I want to see it,” she said confidently. Her eyes twinkled with laugher.
Of course I perked up at her even mentioning the word bed to me like I was sixteen again.
“Well, you asked for it,” I opened the door then and she squeezed past me. Her hair still smelled like lavender and that knowledge made me weak.
She stood in the center of the room. I tried to see it from her eyes.
A pile of dirty clothes, an unmade bed with waded up sheets in the corner, and nothing on the walls except the one frame I didn’t hang in the basement: my Griffins jersey.
She walked over to it and touched the edge.
A small candid picture was in the corner of the frame. Max kissing Paige, Ashlie and Smitty smiling, and Jules sitting on my lap, touching my shitty, patchy 18-year-old beard.
It had dust on it, because I never dared to touch it or take it off that frame. It was given to me after I signed with Brecklin. She was there when I received it and she was the one to add that picture to the corner.
I always kept it in my room. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. Half the time it felt like I was just torturing myself by having it there- showing everything I’d lost. But the other half of the time, I felt at peace at least knowing those people, the ones that mattered the most to me, were somewhere out there in the world living and breathing and struggling just like I was.
I could only see her back as she studied it.
“This one’s my favorite,” she said, still hugging herself.
I couldn’t hold back anymore. That felt like an invitation. Like she missed that time too.
I walked over to her and put my arms around her and leaned down to kiss her neck like I had done hundreds of times before. I prayed she wouldn’t stop me.
I felt her knees buckle, responding to my touch and I felt like yelling in triumph that she was still as affected by me as I was her. She let out a tiny gasp, making me feel powerful as all hell, and then she quickly found my mouth.
She turned in my arms and we clung to each other, equal parts passionate and frantic.
I felt myself picking her up and she wrapped her legs around me.
Her hands were exploring all over me, she smoothed a hand through my hair and it felt like heaven. I held on to her for dear life.
She broke the kiss, “but your hand.”
I took the opportunity to pay more attention to her neck, her weakness. She let another breathless sound escape.
“s’fine,” I told her. It did feel a little strained inside the f’ing cast she was practically sitting on, but I didn’t give a shit. This was so much more important.
I eased towards my bed and laid her down.
“This okay?” I was practically holding my breath.
She nodded urgently and grabbed my neck to bring me closer again.
“God, I can’t believe this is happening,” I said in awe of her and the moment. I was so happy I could cry. I leaned down and kissed her again and eased my good hand up her back under her shirt and groaned. I hated myself for the damn cast getting in the way.
I pulled back then and reached for the hem of her t-shirt. She froze and touched my hand.
“Wait,” she sounded breathless.
I looked at her flushed face which held a nervous look. I waited for her to explain, to tell me what to do. We’d come so far, we both wanted this, needed this.
“I… don’t look the same,” her cheeks flamed, and I could see reservation sliding into her eyes, but the greatest relief washed over me.
“That’s what you’re nervous about? I thought you changed your mind about me,” I told her.
She touched my face. Rubbing her thumb under my eye, then feeling my scar. I kissed her hand.
“Baby, I swear to God you are more beautiful than ever.”
“I had a baby,” she said slowly.
“And he’s awesome as fuck,” I told her with conviction.
She was still hesitating, “I have… stretch marks.”
It killed me that she thought I’d care about something so natural and beautiful. She had never been self-conscious with me before. This again, was something I blamed myself for. I should’ve been by her side all these years giving her confidence and reassurance.
I touched the end of her shirt again, “Can I?”
She bit her lip and gave a nod.
I lifted her shirt over her head.
“God Jules. So fucking beautiful,” I said as earnestly as I could. I needed her to realize just how fucking perfect she was. How perfect we were together.
I trailed kisses from her stomach all the way up to her face.
