My fingers trail over the packages Gabriel has sent me, and I contemplate opening one. The events of today replay in my head while an uneasy feeling spreads through my chest. Being with Eduardo was carefree, but my mind won’t stop focusing on how I left things with Gabriel. We were finally together, and I pushed him away over the tiniest mistake. He was right, I am being a hypocrite, and I have no idea why. Part of me is convinced it’s because I’m terrified of how much he means to me and pushing him away is easier than losing him in the future.
I rip the package open and pull out a framed drawing of me in Gabriel’s Formula One car. My heart sinks a little as I take out the small note next to it. It reads: Chérie, I wanted you to have this even though we’re not on speaking terms. I know I make your life difficult, and I’m deeply sorry for it. Please, never lose sight of what is most important: your dream. Yours only, Gabriel.
In all of the chaos, he’s reminding me to think of myself and nothing else. My thoughts drift to the day he let me sit in his car, something very intimate and personal not many other drivers would allow, and I sink down on my bed. Gabriel is good for me. Despite all the fights and arguments, he’s someone who cares more about my dreams than his feelings. Eduardo is kind and funny, but he’s not goofy, charming, caring… he’s just not Gabriel.
I take my phone out of my pocket and send him a message, telling him to meet me on the sidewalk outside my house. It’s time I woman up and face the man I love. My grandpa didn’t teach me how to walk, so I’d run away from my feelings like a coward. He raised me better than that.
Without waiting for a reply, I make my way outside and sit down. The full moon is the only source of light, but I recognize Gabriel from a distance. His hands are in his pockets, and his hair is messily neat. When he comes closer, I notice he’s wearing Christmas pajamas and burst into laughter. I can see him smiling.
“Those were the only ones I could find, okay? The rest are in the wash,” he informs me, and I cover my lips with my index finger to keep from laughing. Gabriel settles down next to me, his shoulder leaning against mine to nudge me ever so slightly. “What’s going on, chérie? Why did you text me at midnight to meet you here?” he asks, and I tilt my head to look at him.
“I’m sorry,” I start, and he lifts both eyebrows in response. “You were trying to protect me from getting hurt, and I thank you by being a bitch about it,” I add, and he shakes his head.
“Don’t apologi-” he starts, but I cut him off.
“Yes, I have to. You’ve been apologizing even though I was the one overreacting,” I say, and he watches me with an intensity that makes my heart ache. I rest my head on my shoulder while my eyes focus on his. Gabriel reaches out to tug some of my hair behind my ear, and I close my eyes in response to his soft touch. My skin lights on fire where his fingers brush it, something only he can do. I take a deep breath. “I think when I went to your room that night, things suddenly got so real, and it scared me,” I whisper and drop my head between my heads.
“May I speak now?” he asks, amusement faintly evident in his voice. I look back up again to show him I’m listening. “Does it feel like I’m forcing you to be ready?” he asks, and I shift my gaze from his eyes to his lips.
“No,” I reply honestly. Gabriel gives me a small smile.
“Then don’t force yourself either. If you need to be with Eduardo right now, let that be okay. If you don’t want anyone right now, that’s more than okay.” This is my friend Gabriel, the one who only cares about my well-being. “I care about you a lot, chérie, and with that being said, I only want you to be happy,” he promises, and I shift my body until I’m facing him entirely.
“I’m making a mess of everything,” I mumble and take his right hand in my left. He studies our intertwined hands for a brief moment before focusing on my face again.
“So am I, which is why I understand you’re not ready to be with me; maybe you’ll never be. Having feelings for someone doesn’t mean you want to be in a relationship with them. I won’t pressure you, and you shouldn’t do so to yourself either.” This doesn’t make it easier for me. If anything, I only fall more in love with him with every word. “You have to figure out what you want for yourself without any influence of what Eduardo, I, or Adrian want. I’ll still be here when you’ve made your decision,” he goes on, and I suck in a sharp breath while a tear rolls down my cheek.
“I won’t ask you to wait until I’ve sorted everything out,” I state, and Gabriel stands up, holding out his hand to help me up too.
“Don’t think of it as me waiting for you. Think of it as me continuing my life with the hope of an answer one day,” he replies, and I furrow my brows.
“The concept is still the same,” I challenge, and Gabriel lets out a small laugh.
“Jesus, Val, just…” he cuts off, and we both chuckle. “Do what makes you happy. That’s all I ask of you.” I nod in response. Gabriel takes a step forward, his hand moving to my hips and his lips brushing over my cheek. “Good night, Lady Valentina,” he whispers and bows as he leaves my house, but not before bringing a smile to my lips.
I lie awake for a very long time, trying to figure out what I should do. Eventually, Gabriel’s words ring in my head. ‘I won’t pressure you, and you shouldn’t do so to yourself either’. He’s right. This isn’t something I should decide at two in the morning. My head will tell me when the right time is, and for now, the second race of the season is my mind’s primary focus. Bahrain will be a lot of fun.
