James arrives at my house precisely fifteen minutes later. He’s standing on my doorstep with one sunflower, smiling brightly.
“You know, you have to stop bringing me flowers. You might just give me the wrong idea,” I joke, and a weird expression spreads over his face. Instead of addressing it, I simply invite him in so we can catch up.
The whole time I talk to him about what has been going on, James watches me closely. “I think taking it slow is the right choice for both of you. Gabriel is only starting his career, and you are still making your dream happen. There is no need to rush into something,” he points out, and I smile at the tall Brit.
“You are an incredible friend. Ever since I can remember, you have always cared for me, and I can’t tell you how much that means. I love you, James, and I hope I will never lose you.” The words fall off my lips more easily than they would have a month ago. I realized a long time ago that once you let someone in, you have to make sure they always remember how much they mean to you. If you don’t, and they get taken away from you, you will regret not reminding them for the rest of your life. “You’re honest, protective, and I would trust you with my life.” Tears flood his eyes, and I frown. I didn’t mean to make him cry.
“You can’t say that about me. You can’t,” he says and gets up. I’m so confused by his reaction, and panic floods my body.
“Why? What’s wrong?” I ask and walk closer to him, but he puts his hands up, signaling me not to come closer. I almost start to cry when tears roll down his cheeks. “Okay, James, you have to talk to me because I’m freaking out.” My voice is demanding but laced with concern.
“I’m a horrible man, and you should not say those things about me. I don’t deserve it,” he croaks out and sucks in a sharp breath. He’s in pain. “I did a terrible thing.” I am beyond angry at how vague he’s being. Above everything else, however, I am terrified of what he’s hiding from me.
“What have you done? Tell me,” I demand, and James brings his hands to his hair, grabbing a handful.
“I lied to you,” he cries in defeat and drops to the ground. A few sobs escape him, and I do my best not to join him. “On your birthday, we were both so drunk, and I couldn’t think clearly, neither could you. I don’t remember much, but I remember bits and pieces, and they aren’t good. I’m so sorry, I’m so terribly sorry,” he repeats over and over again, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I try to search my brain for any memory, anything from that night, but I can’t seem to find any…oh. Oh my god, it wasn’t a dream! And it wasn’t Gabriel either, it was James, and it actually happened! His fingers on my skin, the lust I felt, the sadness, it all comes back to me.
When I try to figure out why I was drunk and sad, I remember Gabriel and me on the dance floor. The things he whispered into my ear, things he should never have said to me in the first place. I don’t know who my anger is directed at, but neither should be in my presence. I look back at James. He’s on his knees, his face in his hands, and he’s crying.
“Get up,” I growl, and he does as I command without hesitation. Tears of anger roll down my cheek, but I am too mad to start sobbing and breaking down. “I remember being on the bed with you. I remember wanting you,” I admit and swallow down the bile that is rising in my throat. “How could you not have told me?” I ask, my voice louder than intended.
“I didn’t think we would be able to move past it, and if I am being honest, I was too in love with you to be able to lose you.” No, no, no, no. He’s making this worse and worse by the second. I can’t breathe.
“Get out. I want you to get out of my house,” I yell, and the pain that flashes across James’ face makes me want to vomit.
“Out of your house or out of your life?” More tears flow, and I can’t look at his face anymore.
“You should have told me a long time ago, and the fact that you didn’t makes looking at your face unbearable right now. You’re my oldest friend, one of the only people I have left, but I’m too mad. It’s not what we did that angers me, it is the fact that you knew I didn’t remember, and you chose not to tell me. I don’t care about your reasoning, it was wrong, and I don’t know how to forgive you right now. So please, get out of my house,” I demand, and James nods in defeat, doing as he’s told. My knees cave in, and I fall to the ground, sobs escaping my throat.
He lied to me, he deceived me, and all I can think about is how humiliated I am. There is one thing I never wanted James and I to do, and it turns out we’ve already done something along those lines. Still, that isn’t even the only thing he was untruthful about. James lied about his feelings and what I mean to him, and I can’t help the anger I’m feeling because of his betrayal. Nothing could have ever justified this deceit.
My body is overwhelmed by all the emotions flooding through me in a continuous, vicious cycle. It begs me to breathe, but I’ve forgotten how. James and Gabriel both lied. Two of the most important men in my life used my lack of memory to their advantage instead of being goddamn honest with me.
Finally, strength returns to my legs as anger consumes me. I grab my running shoes and sprint down the trail the guys and I followed not long ago. The memories of that night and the morning after replay over and over, taunting me for being so irresponsible. Grandpa always warned me about the effects of alcohol. “You’re an athlete. Your body is only as strong as your mind. If you let alcohol consume you, you betray your body.” I should have taken his words more seriously instead of acting like an eighteen-year-old without a dream. I wonder what he would say to me now. I’ve been training but haven’t gotten far. My feet bring me to a halt at the spot where Grandfather stopped me the first time we went for a run. “Your determination and dedication will make you a champion,” he’d told me. I bring my hands to my lips and cover my mouth as I scream as loudly as I can.
For the first time in over five years, I make my way to the one place I hate the most. I haven’t been able to return because of the pain it brings me every single time I read my grandfather’s name on the gravestone, but it’s time. Grandfather deserves a visit from me, no matter how painful it will be.
My feet come to a complete halt once I’m in front of the stone Adrian and I had to choose. I wipe the dirt off the top and kneel in front of the grave while I let tears flow from my cheeks. My heart aches in my chest, and I have a difficult time breathing properly. This is much worse than I thought it would be. I wrap my arms around myself and rock back and forth while the same words fall from my lips.
“I’m so sorry.” I repeat them over and over, ashamed of my actions and inability to make our dream come true. “I really tried, but I’m not good enough,” I explain when I’ve calmed down enough to form a proper sentence. “I wish you were here. I love you and miss you so much,” I go on, sending a wave of pain through my chest. “You must be so disappointed in me,” I cry while I run my fingers over his name: Josue Beau Romana. “I just want to live my dream and make you proud, but I can’t. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.” James and Gabriel have hurt me, my dream is slipping further away, and I miss the people I’ve lost.
All of the pain and anger fades for a moment when my phone rings, and I read Colin Reiner’s name on my lock screen. My eyes drift to Grandfather’s gravestone before I compose myself and answer the call.
“Hello, Mr. Reiner?” I ask, and my heart thumbs rapidly against my ribcage.
“Good afternoon, Ms. Romana. I’m sorry to bother you, but I have some news. A spot has opened up at our academy, and we would be delighted to have you join us. Are you still interested?” My eyes fixate on the gravestone again while goosebumps spread over my entire body.
Thank you, Grandfather.
