There is nothing I hate more in the world than this god-forsaken graveyard. I come here seven times a year, but it never gets easier. My heart doesn’t get used to the squeezing from pain, and my lungs always burn from my uneven breaths. Still, I come here on every date tattooed on my hip because it’s the closest I can get to people I’ve lost.
I wish there was another way for me to feel connected to them again.
“Hi, Max,” I say as I settle down in front of my late best friend’s and godfather’s gravestone.
My hands start to shake while I get ready to talk to him like I always do when I’m here. The first time, it felt weird because I know he can’t hear me, none of them can, but it’s gotten easier over time. Valentina told me once ‘You’re not speaking for them to listen. You’re speaking for yourself to process and heal.’ That was the first day I realized I couldn’t be without her again, the day I understood just how in love I am with her.
“The season is going alright so far. I managed to win the first race, but then only came in fifth in the second one. James is currently leading the championship, which you know how I feel about,” I say and let out a laugh.
The Brit and I have never been close, and the only reason I tolerate him is Val. He makes her happy, so I try my best to get along with him.
“But I’m going to keep pushing, don’t worry,” I assure him and myself at the same time.
“Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother, but my granddaughter fell and I don’t have a tissue to clean the wound. Do you perhaps have one for me?” an elderly man asks, and I stand up to reach into my back pocket.
“Of course. Here,” I say and offer him a whole pack. “I hope she’s okay,” I add, and he smiles at me.
“She will be,” he replies, and I give him a slight nod.
The man walks away, and my eyes shift to the gravestone across from Maxime’s. The name Josue Beau Romana is written on it, and I sink back down to where I was before. Next to his stone is another with the name Esmèe Rolande-Romana.
How have I never noticed that Valentina’s grandparents are buried right across from Maxime?
I always knew our fates were entangled, but this takes it to another level.
“Aunt Domi and Aunt Nicolette are doing well, they’re almost back from vacation. Jean is much better than the last time we talked. He’s worked through his grief. You’d be very proud of him,” I say, focusing on my godfather. “I wish you were here. I have so many questions to ask you,” I admit and rub my face with my hands. “I’ve made mistakes with Valentina, but I’m trying to be better. I’d do anything for her, for her happiness. And yet, I can’t shake my fear of losing her. I know she’s the only person I want a future with, but I know I have to let it go. For Valentina’s sake, my paranoia needs to turn into devotion. I won’t turn away from her anymore. I can’t feed into the fear when both of us know mere friendship isn’t going to be enough.”
My rant comes to an abrupt end when I remember to breathe. A laugh I don’t mean escapes me before I can hold it back.
“I need you, Maxime, to tell me everything will work out in the end. I need you to assure me I’ve experienced enough loss. I need you to be here, not wherever you are!” I say, feeling the pain in my chest taking over.
Tears shoot into my eyes, and I can’t stop them.
“Fuck, when will this get easier? When am I going to stop bawling my eyes out because you’re gone? I can’t change it, so why the hell am I crying?” I ask, fighting the urge to throw grass like a little child. “I love my job. I love racing, but I will hate it forever for taking you from me.”
I lift my hands to his name as the pain finally rolls down my cheeks. No other place can bring tears to my eyes and no person besides Valentina. They turn into sobs until I break down completely, no longer fighting my feelings.
“I miss you,” is the last thing I say before my heart falls into that all too familiar black hole in my chest, numbing my body to prevent it from feeling the same pain my soul and heart are experiencing.
This will never get easier, will it?
