“Will it ever get easier?” I ask Grandfather, who raises his bushy, white eyebrow in confusion. “Getting turned away?” I add, and he takes my hand as we walk away from the karting track where none of the talent scouts were interested in sponsoring me.
“Listen, little champion, success wouldn’t exist without failure. Often, we need to learn how to fall before we can get up, do you understand?” he says, but I shake my head.
He’s not making any sense to me.
“If everything was simply handed to you, you’d never know how to deal with rejection. Today is not something to cry over, it’s something to grow from. You need to learn in order to be worthy of an F1 seat. In races, you won’t always get the results you desire. It’ll be difficult, disappointing, and frustrating, but you’ll know how to deal with it better than anyone. It won’t cloud your judgment during races, not like it would for people that never handled rejection.” He leads me back to his car, but I stop before we reach it.
“But why don’t they want to recruit me? I won the Karting Championship,” I defend, and my grandfather grabs me by the shoulders, making sure I pay close attention to his next words.
“You are a girl, Valentina. They will always look at you like the weak one because of that. I tried to shield you for as long as I could, but you have to understand boys will get top priority. That’s why Adrian is doing so well. He’s just as talented as you, has gotten the same opportunities, and the scouts were interested as soon as he arrived at the same event we went to today. It’s how the world works, which is why I’m trying my very best to help you change that, okay? We will make sure, together, that the mindsets of the people will no longer be closed off. You will be the change the world needs,” he says, and I nod.
“That’s a big responsibility,” I reply, and he gives me a proud smile.
“You don’t have to do anything other than be yourself and keep on fighting. That’s all you have to do,” Grandfather assures me, and I grin at him.
I will do exactly as he said.
I will be the change.
“Oh, Valentina, this is beautiful. Thank you so much, darling.” Mrs. Beaumont is holding up the cream-colored scarf I bought her, her smile contagious. I haven’t truly smiled in a couple of days, since everything happened at the academy.
“Happy Birthday,” I say to the sweet woman, and she hugs me. “I’m so glad you decided to come back to our house. I don’t know what we would do without you.”
I can’t help but realize how much I rely on her. For most of my life, I haven’t depended on anyone to help with cleaning my home. Since Mom took off before I could walk, and Dad was always gone, I had to figure out how to do all of the tasks in a household. Only when I stayed at Grandpa’s home, I relied on Mrs. Beaumont and him, but he insisted I learn how to do all of these things, just like Adrian had to. He made sure I knew how to take care of myself when Dad wasn’t home. I wish I could tell him now how thankful I am for teaching me to be independent, what an amazing grandfather he was, but I can’t. I can’t speak to him, ask him for advice, nothing.
Now, when I need him the most, he can’t be my guiding compass.
Mrs. Beaumont squeezes my arm before she goes back to work. I find myself wandering around the house, searching for something to occupy my time, but I do so in vain. Adrian and Gabriel are out with their coaches, and James is busy filming a commercial.
When I don’t find anything, I decide to go for a run on the beach. I want to work out. It’ll clear my head and keep me from overthinking what happened only a few days ago.
I jog for a long time, not stopping once to breathe or rest. The burning in my lungs is a nice distraction from the constant pain I’ve been feeling in my chest, so I keep going. My legs get tired long before my mind does, and, somehow, I end up in front of Rush. I don’t know how I got here, but I know why.
Evangelin.
My feet are cemented to the ground, keeping me from walking into Evangelin’s store. I watch her roam around in there, smiling at her customers. I’ve kept my distance from James and her because it doesn’t feel real yet. I’ve spent my entire life working toward one specific goal, and I know as soon as she hears about what happened, reality will set in for me.
She spots me before I can walk away, waving me inside with a smile. After she’s been avoiding me for the past few months, I’m relieved to see her face light up from my presence.
“Ma belle Valentina,” she says and wraps her arms around me, hugging me tighter than ever before. “It’s been too long. How are you?” Evangelin asks, and I feel her trying to pull away, but I hold her close while tears fill my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
She strokes my hair, making a sob leave me.
“Alright, it’s okay, dear. Sit down.” I do as I’m told, my hands shaking.
I don’t want to tell this story, share my failure with someone I never want to disappoint. Evangelin locks the door to ensure no one will bother us before sitting down on the stool across from mine.
“What happened? Tell me,” she encourages with a warm smile, and I wipe my tears.
“I didn’t get the seat, and they kicked me out of the academy. My instructor, Andrea, had no idea why either. They just told me I couldn’t be a part of it anymore,” I explain, trying my best to be comprehensible. “This academy was my last hope, but it’s over now. There is nothing left for me to do but find a new passion,” I say, and Evangelin sits in front of me for a moment as silence fills the small boutique.
“I think you should get another passion anyway, whether you decide to give up or not.” The way the words sound coming out of her mouth, ‘give up’, bothers me.
“I didn’t give up on my dream, it keeps giving up on me,” I clarify, but she merely shrugs, moving over to a pile of clothes and folding them.
“I know it does. I know ‘unfair’ doesn’t begin to cover what you’ve gone through in your life, but why would you let it win?” I run my hands over my face and sigh.
“Because I’m done. I’m done trying to achieve something that’s never going to happen,” I defend, and her blue eyes shift to me, skepticism dancing in them.
“Do you think your grandfather would want that?”
I don’t have words for the stinging spreading through my entire body, forcing tears back into my tired eyes.
“I didn’t have to know him to tell you this is the last thing he would have wanted for you,” she says when I don’t respond to her question.
“He thought I’d change the world, Evangelin, but how am I meant to do that when the world doesn’t want to be changed?” I challenge, and she places her hands on her hips.
“You do it by setting an example! Demand answers. Don’t allow them to take away what makes you unstoppable, and that is your ability to find positivity in the darkest times. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for all the little girls out there, who share the same dream as you.”
I forget how to breathe as I imagine my own daughter giving up on whatever dream she may have one day. The thought breaks my heart.
“Demand answers,” Evangelin repeats as she finishes folding the last dress. “I’m not ready for you to lose faith in yourself, my child, not yet, not ever,” she adds, and I give her one more hug.
“I love you,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. “I should go,” I say and step back, but she holds me close for another moment.
“I love you too, Valentina.” My emotions overwhelm me, which is why I make my way back home.
A box, identical to the ones Gabriel sent me a while ago, sits on my doorstep, and I walk over to it with a smile. I rip the tape off, sitting down on the steps to study the contents. Just like the first one I’ve ever received, there is a drawing of me and a letter.
I pick up the art first, admiring how talented he is. The details and the pencil strokes are beyond incredible. He makes me look like an angel, simply lying on the beach. The way he drew my face, lips, lashes, and curly hair reminds me yet again he sees me in a way no one else does. He notices things I’ve never even seen in myself.
No one is ever going to look at me the way he does, there is no doubt in my mind.
I put the drawing on my lap and take the letter into my hands. I tear it open, my hands shaking now. My emotions are all over the place, and I don’t know if I’m nervous to read his words or overwhelmingly excited.
Ma Chérie,
You and I know better than most how difficult life gets. We’ve experienced its cruelty more often than not, especially you, but I need you to remember one thing: you are a sunflower. You follow the sun’s light wherever it goes, even when it seems to have disappeared right now, you never let that stop you. You stand in the pouring rain, finding happiness and growth in the water. Let this rainy time fuel you, not stop you. I’ll forever be your sun, but you don’t need me to tell you that. We all know I’d do anything to get rid of the thundering clouds you’re experiencing. I know you well enough to see this situation for what it truly is: your villain origin story.
I lower the letter for a moment to let out a laugh that reaches my heart, shaking my body from amusement.
I’m just teasing. We all know the world would have no chance if you became the villain, especially because you’d have three idiot sidekicks, who would carry backpacks with your weapons in them. Anyway, I think I got a little distracted in my attempt to remind you of the unforgiving strength lying beneath that warm smile of yours. No one can take it from you, mon tournesol.
Only yours,
Gabriel
Je t’aime, chérie.
How could I have made someone like this fall in love with me?
I never have an answer that satisfies this question. I also don’t have a justification that pleases the part of me, which wants to keep fighting. It doesn’t care about getting hurt. All it gives a damn about is doing what my supportive family keeps telling me to do: keep fucking going until I make it.
