‘I told you to keep your hands off this girl.’
I stare out the window. The dark fields, together with the now almost completely bare trees, blur into a single dark mass. That’s how my inside feels at this moment. I’m cold and hot at the same time, my palms are sticky and my throat is dry. I feel sick, but the opposite should be the case.
I wish I could go back to Ruby, to her beautiful mouth and the feeling she made me. In my mind, I still hold her in my arms, enjoy how she buries her hands in my hair and gently bites my lip.
If we hadn’t been interrupted, I would have done a lot more than just kiss her.
‘I’ll talk to you,’ my father repeats. He will certainly throw his glass through the car in a moment. Telling Percy that I was going home with my parents was the stupidest idea I’ve had in a long time.
‘James, darling, we only want the best for you,’ my mother adds more diplomatically. I can’t look at any of them. When I do, the anger boils up in me, and I don’t know if I can still switch to draught.
Why did this have to happen today of all days? Why did my father have to catch me with Ruby at that very second?
‘We definitely didn’t imagine a scholarship holder from a middle-class background and with a tragic family history for you,’ Mum continues. I turn my head and stare at her. I want to ask how the hell she knows that about Ruby, but it doesn’t really surprise me. Actually, nothing surprises me at all in this family anymore.
‘You deserve better, darling. Someone like Elaine Ellington. I heard you get along well—why don’t you invite her to our house?’ My mother’s voice is calm and soothing. She desperately wants to mend the mood between me and Dad, but it’s long too late for that.
‘Elaine and I—it’ll never work, mother.’ Besides, I’m pretty sure that she dropped out of her studies and is trying to hide it from everyone. She’s no better than Ruby just because she comes from a family with blue blood. Ruby works harder than anyone else for what she wants. She is intelligent, a good person and … beautiful. A terrific kisser. An even better listener.
As if by itself, it reappears in my head. The memory of her mouth is the only thing that helps me to survive this car ride. I wish we had had more time. The few minutes with her were definitely not enough for me.
‘You’re embarrassing our family if you get involved with a gold digger like her,’ Vater continues. ‘I can’t believe you’re acting like that. We’ve brought you up better.’
Try as I might, I can no longer ignore him. Not when he talks about Ruby like that. Boiling hot rage rises in me, and I look at my father angrily.
My mother gasps indignantly, Lydia next to me stiffens. She grabs my hand, but I tear it away. She’s allowed to sleep with her teacher, but I can’t even spend time with the person I like without being immediately confronted?
The car stops, and we unbuckle ourselves. I wait until Lydia and Mum get out, then I follow them. My father is close behind me, and before I can even take two steps, he holds me back by the shoulder and turns me to him. He grabs me firmly by the collar and shakes me.
‘What do you think of forbidding me to speak,’ he growls, pushing me away so jerkily that I stagger back. The next moment he swings out and hits me in the face with the back of his hand. Pain shoots through my cheek, and for a few seconds I can’t see anything but the colorful dots that have formed in front of my eyes. A metallic taste spreads through my mouth.
‘God, Dad!’ shouts Lydia and runs to me. She wraps an arm around my back and holds me tight before I commit a stupid thing and fight back. How I would like to do that: just fight back. To give him the same pain he has been inflicting on me since I was a child.
My mum takes Dad by the arm. He snatches himself from her grip and turns around to stomp into the house. After he’s gone, she looks at me regretfully. ‘That’s what happens when you mess with rabble, James.’ Then she lifts up her sweeping skirt to hurry after Father. I look after them and try to suppress the anger, which slowly but surely grows into a hatred that I don’t want to feel. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and then look at the blood on my skin as if it came from someone else.
Lydia stands in front of me and grabs me by the shoulders. ‘James. Is she really worth the stress?’ she asks urgently.
I look at her, far too agitated to really think about her question. ‘Take care of your own shit,’ I growl, tearing myself away from her touch. I turn around and walk across the courtyard back to the entrance gate of our property. As I walk, I dig my cell phone out of my pocket and dial Wren’s number.
I urgently need distraction.
Only after my third drink does the anger gradually begin to subside. I lean against a wall in Wren’s parents’ salon, drink Scotch from a crystal glass and let the booming music gradually silence my thoughts.
‘Look at me. The prodigal son has returned,’ Cyril’s voice sounds behind me. I turn around and see him walking towards me with outstretched arms and a mocking grin. Just like the rest of us, he has gotten rid of half of his costume, so that he only wears the high-waisted pants and the white shirt.
‘What does the honor give us?’ he asks. He wants to say something else, but then he sees my mouth and lets the air escape, whistling. ‘That looks bad, man.’
I don’t answer, but downpour the rest of my drink. Although I’m used to alcohol, my cheeks already feel numb.
‘Leave him alone, Cy,’ Wren shouts from the sofa. Close to him sits a blonde girl who runs her hand up and down her thigh. She looks familiar to me, and when she lifts her head from his shoulder, I know why. Camille. My last stand was that she has something with Kesh, not with Wren, but it’s not unusual for something like that to happen with us.
‘What’s wrong with you, Beaufort?’ Cyril asks, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and maneuvering me to one of the sofas. I let myself fall on it and rub my aching face while Cyril pours me another glass and then holds it out. ‘James, with whom I grew up, doesn’t put up with anyone. He won’t let himself be banished from the team, and he refuses to do the dirty work for others.’
The fact that he describes what I’ve done with the team in the last few weeks as dirty work makes new anger boil up in me, but I’m holding back. Cyril is what he is, and I’ve already been upset enough tonight. All I want is to get drunk – until I don’t feel anything anymore. Neither my father’s hand nor Ruby’s lips. ‘I had no choice. You know that.’
‘,’ Wren interjects. Amusement flashes in his eyes. ‘You’re just keen on Ruby.’
Instead of answering, I take a sip and close my eyes. The stuff Cyril poured me is so strong that it leaves a burning trail from my throat to my stomach.
‘Are you serious? You only went along with all this shit because you were into Ruby Bell?’ asks Cyril in amazement.
‘That’s why he’s changed so much.’ Wren doesn’t look at me when he says that, but at Camille, whose hair he strokes deliberately.
‘He has suck up to her like that. You should have seen him at the last meetings,’ Camille interjects. She gives me a pitying look. ‘Or did you just do it so that you could play lacrosse again?’
With the glass in front of my lips, I pause. ‘How do you know about it?’
‘Ruby told us before the party.’
Frowning, I look at Wren, who continues to stroke Camille. Is that why he started something with her tonight? To ask them about me?
‘I haven’t changed at all.’ My tongue feels heavy as I say this, and the words are low and indistinct.
‘Of course you do.’ Alistair drops onto the sofa to my left. His golden blond hair is completely disheveled, and his cheeks are reddened. Either he’s already had a lot of trouble, or he’s picked up some guy and comes straight out of Wren’s guest room.
‘Where have I changed, please?’ I reply calmly, trying to convince myself that I don’t care what they think of me.
Alistair raises a hand and begins to count. ‘First, you don’t come to our parties anymore or leave before sunrise, which old James Beaufort would never have done. Second, you spend your free time voluntarily with the nerds from the event team – no offense, Camille.’ She raises her middle finger. ‘Third, you suddenly don’t give a about our deal.’
‘I didn’t come here to listen to this bullshit.’
Alistair raises an eyebrow. ‘That’s not bullshit, and you know that.’
‘Alistair is right. We wanted to enjoy the last school year and really hit the shit again,’ says Wren. That was the agreement. Carpe Diem, man. Every day, as long as we’re still together. Unfortunately, you lost James, who encouraged us to go all out, somewhere along the way, it seems.’
I lean back and take another sip, the burning is now almost unbearable. The truth of her words gets through to me, and my stomach cramps.
You are right.
The plan was to make the last year of school the best in my life and to enjoy the time with my friends. With the boys, who are like a second family to me. The plan was not to develop feelings for someone with whom I can’t have a future anyway.
I can still taste Ruby on my lips and feel her hands on my body. Unfortunately, this only means that I am still much too sober.
Ruby gave me a feeling that I had never felt before. Namely, that with her by my side, everything is possible. A beautiful, terrible lie. Because in truth, nothing is possible for me. Unlike her, the world is not open to me. It is predestined how my life will go.
Maybe that was exactly what captivated Ruby from the beginning. While she takes her life into her own hands, I am moved back and forth like a pawn. While she is alive, I only exist.
We don’t fit together.
I just wish that had been clear to me before I kissed her.
