Her eyes widen at my words. I roll off her and pull her with me so that we can both lie on our sides and look at each other. I leave my hand at her waist, caress her there. I would love to touch her everywhere, immediately, forever. I missed her so much that it almost killed me, and now it feels like I have air in my lungs for the first time in weeks.
But I have to do this right. I’m not going to risk losing Ruby just because I can’t bring myself to tell her what’s wrong with me. Why I am the way I am and why I make decisions that hurt both of us so much. It’s hard to find the right words, especially because the fear that I won’t be forgiven is choking my throat. I don’t know what I would do then.
Ruby looks at me calmly, waits. Her hair is messed up and her cheeks and lips are red. She is so beautiful that I have to avert my gaze and stare at my hand on her waist when I finally clear my throat.
‘I told you that I would join the company after I graduated. And… it’s important to my parents that I have a woman by my side. That’s part of it for her. They would like to betroth me to someone right now, so that nothing can go wrong.’
Ruby makes an indefinable sound, and when I look up, she wrinkles her nose. It’s good to know that she doesn’t like the idea – I can’t imagine what I would do if Ruby’s parents set her up with someone who isn’t me.
‘You were very special to me from the beginning. I have changed. I didn’t notice it myself, but my friends and family did. I had to listen to questions for weeks about what was wrong with me, why my thoughts were constantly somewhere else, and so on. When my father saw us together in the tailor’s shop, he had a hunch. And when he caught us on Halloween …’ I swallow hard. ‘He was sure of that.’
‘Is that why you had a cracked lip? Did he hit you?’ she asks, carefully raising her fingers to my mouth. The place where she bit me is still throbbing – but not in a bad way.
‘Yes,’ I say quietly. I’ve never talked to anyone about my father. Not even with Lydia, who notices a lot, but by no means everything. I’m sure my friends have an idea of what’s going on at home, but they’ve never asked me about it when I’ve shown up at their place with a black eye or a cracked lip. It’s as if at some point we decided together that this issue doesn’t exist, and everyone sticks to it. This is very convenient for me.
‘Does he hit you often, James?’ whispers Ruby.
I can’t answer her, especially when she looks at me with so much compassion in her eyes. But that’s not the point here. All I want is to explain to her why I behaved so terribly towards her – something I am still one hundred percent responsible for, no matter how overwhelming my situation may be.
‘That’s not important,’ I answer belatedly. My voice has taken on a rough sound, and I have to clear my throat again. ‘At any rate, my parents saw a danger in you. They noticed how important you are to me. Much more important than this company.’
Something in Ruby’s gaze changes. It becomes so intense and haunting that I have the feeling that she can see into my soul. There is no way to hide from her – and at that moment I realize that I don’t want to. My parents were right to worry. Ruby is dangerous to them and everything they have imagined for me and my future.
I can’t believe I’m only realizing this now.
I’m in love with Ruby Jemima Bell.
What I feel for them is all-encompassing and overwhelming and will not go away, no matter how much I try to ignore it – I have clearly noticed this in the last few weeks. Ruby has crept into my life, thrown everything overboard, and deserves a place in the mess she’s wreaked havoc.
I don’t care who I have to face, and I don’t care if my father puts me on the street for it. Lydia once asked me if Ruby was worth the stress. I let myself be influenced by my environment and believed that she wasn’t. It was the stupidest decision I’ve ever made, and I hate myself for pushing Ruby away from me like that. I know I can’t undo it, but I have to at least try.
‘You’re right—I really don’t know what I want from life. I was always predetermined what to do and what not to do. Sometimes it feels like I’m an extra in a script that was written for me and that I’m not allowed to change.’
Ruby growls softly.
‘After my father caught us, he freaked out. For him, it’s out of the question that I spend time with someone who doesn’t correspond to what he imagined for me.’
At my words she flinches almost imperceptibly, and immediately I take her hand in mine and hold it tightly.
‘I thought about what it would be like for us in the future and just saw all the problems. My parents are dictators when it comes to their children’s lives. And you… you told me back then that you were preparing for a successful career. I couldn’t stand the idea of my father getting in your way just because he doesn’t like you being with his son. I got scared because I know I couldn’t do anything. I could never protect you from him.’
My heart is beating up to my throat. I know myself that I sound like a pathetic idiot, but I want to be honest with her, at all costs.
‘You’re going to conquer the world, Ruby. And you should be with someone who supports you on your journey and whose family welcomes you with open arms. But I can’t offer you that. I can’t offer you anything but a bunch of problems that I don’t know how to solve.’
Ruby looks at me silently, and I don’t dare to breathe. I expect her to get up and leave the room without comment. I would have deserved it, I know that. But Ruby makes no move to leave me. Instead, she leans forward and presses her lips to mine.
I’m so perplexed that I don’t return the kiss at all.
‘Oh, James,’ she murmurs. She frees her hand from mine and lets it wander up my chest until it lies on my heart. ‘You… stupid imbecile.’
Okay, I didn’t expect that.
‘Why are you worrying about the future when we have now?’ she asks quietly.
‘Because you deserve better. My future is destined to be shit. Not yours.’
It grips my cheeks tightly. ‘That’s not true,’ she whispers insistently. ‘You have just as many options as anyone else. You just have to take it, James.’
I love it when she says my name. Her voice wraps softly around the letters, and I would like to close my eyes and ask her to say it again.
‘Why didn’t you just tell me that?’ she asks, shaking her head. ‘Instead of pushing me away without an explanation from you.’
In her eyes, I can see the pain I must have caused her with my behavior. I put my hand over hers and interlace our fingers on my chest. ‘I’m so sorry, Ruby. I really thought we were better off without each other.’
‘But it didn’t feel any better,’ she whispers hoarsely. ‘You just ignored me and gave me the heaviest basket in human history.’
‘I know. God, Ruby. I’m so sorry.’
I close my eyes. I don’t know what I’m going to do if she doesn’t forgive me. When she decides that the stress I’ve brought into her life is too much for her. If I can never be as close to her as I am now.
I hold her hand, press it against my heart, which beats like crazy, and can’t bring myself to look at her.
‘James,’ says Ruby. She begins to pull her hand away, and I would like to hold her, but I know that I have no right to do so. If Ruby wants to go, I have to let her go. But then I feel her fingers in my hair. It runs gently over my head, again and again.
I don’t know how long we’ll be lying there like this, but I don’t dare to move for fear of destroying the moment. Being so close to Ruby is the best feeling in the world. I would give up everything for that. I don’t know why it took me so much time to realize that.
‘James,’ Ruby murmurs again after a long while. She kisses my temple. ‘It’s okay. I forgive you.’
I take a deep breath to mumble another apology, but freeze when the meaning of her words reaches me. I open my eyes. Ruby has leaned back a bit and looks at me with a steady gaze.
‘What?’ I ask in a hoarse voice.
‘It’s okay. I forgive you,’ she repeats slowly, stroking my chest. That doesn’t mean I forget how you behaved. If you pull something like that off again…’ She shrugs her shoulders vaguely. When I realize what she has just said and I see her cautious smile, I am almost overwhelmed by the relief I feel. I wrap my arms around her, pull her to my body and murmur breathlessly against her lips: ‘I won’t. I won’t, I promise.’
Then I kiss her.
I try to show her how grateful I am and share with her all the feelings that are raging inside me. Ruby rolls on top of me, and I hold her tight. She teases me with her tongue and strokes my still throbbing lower lip. A growl comes from deep in my chest, and I suck on her tongue, which in turn elicits a gasp from her.
I have no idea how we got here, but this second I feel like I’m flying and not falling. Ruby forgives me. She forgives me and wants to stay in my life.
The next moment, she releases her mouth from me and begins to unbutton my shirt.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask roughly.
‘Undress.’
She continues until the last button is unbuttoned and she has a clear view of my naked upper body. She bites her lower lip and touches my stomach hesitantly, then a little more courageously. The look with which she devours my body makes me grateful for the many extra hours of training I have done in the last month.
As Ruby leans in and kisses a trace across my stomach, I inhale sharply. Then I can suddenly feel her tongue on my groin, and I straighten up on both elbows. ‘What are you doing?’
She looks up at me through half-lowered eyelids. ‘Isn’t that what couples do when they reconcile?’
‘Is that us?’
‘Well, you’re certainly not going to be my bonus friend. I don’t feel like that.’
I grin. ‘Bonus friend?’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘How can a person have an IQ as high as you and then utter a word like ‘bonus friend’ in all seriousness?’ I murmur amused, earning a punch in the pit of my stomach that makes me groan painfully. ‘I liked it better when you used your tongue.’
One more blow, then she comes back up to me until her face is only a hand’s breadth away from mine. ‘Do you really think you should be so cheeky again now?’
I feel like my chest is going to be blown up by my pounding heart at any moment. Ruby sits on top of me with her legs apart, her torso pressed against mine and the buttons of her blouse scratch lightly over my skin. My boner presses almost painfully against the fabric of my pants, and I close my eyes for a moment as Ruby moves her hips.
I want you.
I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anything before.
‘I’m everything you want,’ I croak, meaning every word seriously. ‘Friend, bonus friend, everything.’ I don’t care what my parents say or what will happen in the future. Ruby is right – we have now. And I can’t deny for a second what I feel about Ruby.
‘Everything, really?’ she whispers.
‘Everything,’ I repeat, running my hands up her thighs. Something lights up in Ruby’s moss-green eyes. When I stroke the inside of her thighs with my thumbs, she audibly gasps. A triumphant smile steals onto my lips. She’s damn sensitive. I repeat the touch, this time even higher. Ruby closes her eyes. She looks beautiful with her wavy hair, dark, long eyelashes and her cute blouse, which is finished with a bow at the collar. I would like to pull on the black ribbon, but I don’t dare. If we really take this to the next level, then she should take the next step.
As if she had read my mind, Ruby leans forward until her mouth is close to my ear. The next moment she runs her lips along my auricle down and takes my earlobe between her teeth. My body reacts violently to her: I get goosebumps everywhere, and I almost get dizzy with excitement. She continues to tease me, pulling a trail of kisses down my neck and sucking on the crook of my neck.
I let out a quiet curse.
Ruby pulls away from me and looks at me seriously. ‘Don’t you like that?’
‘Yes.’ My voice sounds rough and scratchy with desire. ‘Yes, I like it.’
I wanted to give her time and not rush her, I wanted to be patient and act like a gentleman, but… I can’t take it anymore. I want to show her what she does to me. With trembling hands, I grasp her face and press my lips to hers. Ruby groans in surprise as I roll around and pin her under me. The moment I press my boner against her, she gasps into my mouth and claws at my back. If she’s like this now, I can’t wait to be in her.
The next second, she slips the shirt off my arms until it falls to the floor next to the bed. Her hands wander over my back, hesitantly at first, then she scratches lightly with her nails along my spine until she has reached my butt and squeezes it firmly.
‘Damn it, Ruby,’ I growl.
‘I’ve wanted to do this for so long,’ she replies and gives him a slap. I let out a breathless laugh on her neck and bite her lightly as punishment. She reacts by wrapping both legs around my waist and pressing herself tighter against me. Good God, she’s going to kill me.
I lean back a bit and then take the ribbon of the bow on her collar between my fingers. I look into her eyes as I slowly wind it up. Ruby swallows hard and watches as if hypnotized as I open the buttons afterwards. She sits up so that I can pull the fabric off her shoulders. I don’t know where I’m going to throw the blouse, because I only have eyes for Ruby. The light of the lantern outside casts a few bright streaks on her skin and the skin-colored bra she wears. Ruby has a beautiful body, curvy and soft, with a voluptuous bust. At school, you can tell that Ruby knows exactly what she wants – the fact that it’s apparently the same in bed makes my throat dry.
I lean forward and spread a series of kisses on her cleavage. I grasp her breasts and caress them, which elicits a surprised gasp from Ruby. I would like to tear the rest of her clothes off her body and sink into her, but I hold back.
This is our first time. I want us both to be able to remember how beautiful it was years later.
So I take my time as I explore her upper body. I take every patch of skin between my lips and teeth, licking over her breasts and gripping them tighter. I walk further down and run my teeth over her rib arch. Her soft panting and the way she tenses up are like a guide for her body. When I arrive at her waistband, she buries her fingers in my hair. I look up at her questioningly. She has me in her hand, she alone determines what happens next.
‘Keep going,’ she whispers, barely audible.
That’s all I need.
First I take off her shoes, then the socks. Ruby watches me, a slight smile on her lips. Finally, I open her pants and help her pull them off her legs. Then she lies in front of me in her underwear, and I hold my breath. I don’t know how I deserved this. No idea. Maybe that’s what people call karma all the time. According to the motto: Hey, everything is going shit in your life? Here, for this you get the most amazing girl in the world. She forgives you and likes you and lets you undress even though you don’t deserve it.
Or so.
Whatever the reason Ruby allows me to do this, I’m going to show her how much I appreciate her.
I lean forward and kiss up a mark on her legs. Now there is no more thinking, only feeling. I run both hands to Ruby’s hips. Gently I caress her sides, gliding my hand over her belly and to the waistband of her panties. Ruby’s breathing becomes faster and heavier.
Keep going, an echo of her words sounds in my head.
I continue. I hook my fingers under her panties and pull them down. She lies naked in front of me, and I can no longer think clearly. I don’t hesitate for a second, but begin to drag a teasing trail down her groin. As I press my mouth to her center, Ruby curses loudly. She buries her hands in my hair again, and for a moment I don’t know if she wants to pull me away or have me even closer to her. I move my mouth, press a kiss on her heat. As I let my tongue pop out, it squirms, and I put a hand on her stomach to hold it tight. I enjoy how she scratches my scalp with her fingers and shows me where she wants me and with what intensity. As her breathing accelerates and her legs become stiffer, I slide a finger into her humid heat. I suck on her and move my finger slowly and evenly. It doesn’t take long for Ruby to call my name and rebel under me.
I continue to lick and kiss her until the tremors that go through her body become weaker. She’s completely breathless when I finally pull away from her and slide up on the bed to look at her. Her hair is disheveled, and her cheeks are reddened. She stares at the ceiling and needs a few minutes for her breathing to return to normal.
Then she wraps her arms around my neck and grins at me.
‘You definitely have to do that again,’ she says.
I return her grin and at the same moment I firmly resolve to spend a whole night with my head between Ruby’s legs at some point.
‘Your insolent mouth will be of great benefit to you down there.’
Shaking my head, I look at her and then press a light kiss on her lips. Ruby doesn’t allow the kiss to remain superficial. On the contrary, she pulls me closer to her and penetrates my mouth with her tongue. I’m surprised by the stormy way she kisses me. Apparently, she likes to taste herself on my lips. She wraps a leg around me and pushes herself against me. A hot tingle shoots through my body, and I moan into her mouth and thrust my hips forward, eliciting a soft ‘Oh’ from Ruby. The next moment, her hands are on my belt. Their movements are uncoordinated and driven by lust. I really like to experience them like this.
After she unzips my pants, she wants to push them down, but I stop them. ‘Wait,’ I murmur and pull my wallet out of the back pocket. I open it and take out the condom that’s inside. I put it down next to the pillow and then take off my pants and socks. I drop everything next to the bed, immediately afterwards I’m back over Ruby. I slide my hand under her back and open the clasp of her bra. I help her to strip it off, and then there is not a single millimeter of fabric between us. Ruby moans softly as I grasp her breast with one hand and start caressing her.
I love how Ruby reacts to my every touch. I’ve never been with a girl like her. Their reactions make me so hot that I can hardly stand it. When she reaches under the fabric of my boxer shorts and slips them over my butt, it almost drives me crazy.
‘How do you want me?’ I murmur and kiss myself up to her face again. I brush her hair out of her forehead and run my fingers over her jaw. I want to show her how much she means to me with every touch.
‘Just like that,’ Ruby whispers back and caresses my back tenderly. I nod and reach for the plastic sheet. My hands tremble as I roll over the condom. Ruby straightens up on both elbows and watches my every move with a sparkling curiosity in her eyes. Without further ado, I grab her hand and put it around my shaft. He twitches in her hand, and Ruby looks at me with dark eyes. She swallows hard. I let go of her hand, and she begins to move it alone, at first cautiously, then more and more confidently. When she squeezes in exactly the right place, I gasp.
‘Ruby—’ I whisper.
The next moment she lets go of me and lies down again.
Her dark hair is spread out like a fan on the white pillow, her green eyes sparkle like in a dream as I cover her body with mine and take the place between her legs. It almost happens by itself, I slide the tip into her and hold my breath while Ruby sighs under me. It is incredibly narrow, but damp enough that I dare to push forward carefully. I touch her cheek, running my thumb over her lower lip before pressing my mouth to hers. I kiss her slowly and full of feeling as I pull out of her a bit and then penetrate her further with a gentle thrust. Just then, Ruby changes the angle of her hip – and the resistance subsides. I sink into it to the root, and we both groan. A thought wants to push itself to the surface of my consciousness, which is overlaid with feelings, but I can’t really grasp it. There is no more room in my head. It’s full of Ruby, her flavor, and her heat that surrounds me. I thrust again, and Ruby lets out a breathless gasp. She wraps one leg around my waist, and I grasp her thigh.
It feels so perfect that I wish we had done this sooner instead of having obstacles put in our way. I dig my fingers into her thigh and hold it in place as I try to find a reasonably steady rhythm. Ruby’s hands are all over me, she leans in and kisses my chest, pushing herself towards me with each thrust as if she can’t get enough of me. I feel the same way. It feels so good that it’s damn hard for me not to lose control of my movements.
‘You’re shaking,’ she whispers, stroking my back upwards. She holds on to my shoulders while I suck on the spot behind her ear and slowly thrust into her.
‘Because I have to control myself.’
‘Is that the James Beaufort who destroys waterbeds during sex?’ she asks breathlessly.
I bite her neck. ‘I told you it wasn’t a waterbed.’
Ruby ignores what I say and wraps her second leg around me as well. She moves her hips so that I slide deeper into her. I moan, and almost by itself my body follows her indirect request. I wrap a hand around Ruby’s neck and hold her tightly so that she doesn’t hit her head against the bed. Then I penetrate them, harder and faster than before. Ruby scratches my back and makes sure that I gradually lose control with each of her touches. It doesn’t take long until the headboard audibly slams against the wall and I can no longer suppress the sounds coming from deep in my chest. Ruby’s breath goes faster and faster, her nails dig into my skin. Her eyes are closed, but I really need to see what’s happening to her right now.
‘Look at me,’ I gasp.
She complies with my request, and our eyes meet. The connection between us is more intense than ever before. I can’t look away anymore, and Ruby seems to feel the same way. We move in unison, as if we were made for exactly that. I thrust into her, over and over again, until I hit a point in her that makes her moan loudly. Her muscles contract around me, and suddenly it’s too much. The bed doesn’t squeak loud enough to drown out our noises as we climax together. My world explodes, and what remains is a universe of colorful stars and lights, in which there is only room for Ruby.
