‘You should have told me before.’ James runs a finger along my spine, and I shiver.
‘Why?’
I lie with my head on his chest and stroke his hard belly, lost in thought. Our legs are intertwined, and we are still naked, but James has spread the blanket over us.
‘Because I would have been gentler then,’ he murmurs, pressing his lips to my hairline.
‘I think it would have scared you off, and then you would have run away.’
‘I wouldn’t be. I just would have been more careful.’
I put my head back and look into his face. A wrinkle has formed between his brows – he looks seriously worried
‘But I didn’t want it to be gentle and cautious.’
One corner of his mouth lifts slightly, and a dark sparkle enters his eyes. It disappears just as quickly as it came. ‘Perhaps I would have thought about a change of location. You shouldn’t lose your virginity in a dorm room with a squeaky bed.’
Indignant, I sit up. For a split second, James’ gaze lands on my breasts, but then he immediately looks me in the face again. ‘Hello? If I lose my virginity anywhere, it will be in Oxford.’
He shakes his head with a smile. The next moment, he grabs my elbows and pulls me forward until I fall on top of him. He wraps his arms around me and presses me tightly to his warm body. ‘You’re crazy, Ruby Bell.’
A little maybe, I agree with him in my thoughts.
But it all felt right. James and I – maybe it will never be easy for us, and maybe James’ father will continue to do everything he can to get me out of his son’s life, but I’m willing to fight for James. What is between us is something special. Since today I know that, and in the way he looks at me and touches me, I feel that he feels the same way. We will make it. Never before have I been so sure of something.
‘How was it with you?’ I ask after a while, without looking him in the eye.
‘Huh?’
I focus on the pattern I draw on his belly. ‘I mean… how was your first time?’
He audibly lets the air escape, and his stomach sinks under my hand. ‘Do you really want to know?’
Now I look at him. ‘Of course.’
‘It was okay. I was fourteen, drunk and pretty fucked up.’
‘Fourteen?’ Oh God, then he’s had practice for over four years. I’d rather not think about how many girls he’s slept with to be so good at it.
‘Wren and I made a bet, so I did it. It took about two minutes and didn’t feel good.’
‘Then you are probably not the person who should throw around advice for a successful defloration,’ I say quietly.
‘If you ever tell your story, I hope this will come off better.’
I press a kiss on his chest. ‘Absolutely. It was perfect.’
I don’t understand why, but it feels completely normal to lie here with him. As if I belonged exactly in this place. I haven’t felt this good in weeks, and even the slightly painful throbbing between my legs doesn’t bother me. I meant what I said: It was perfect. And I couldn’t have imagined a better place or moment to do it.
‘You seemed totally distraught this morning,’ James says suddenly, putting a damper on my mood instantly.
‘The interview went really badly,’ I murmur.
His mouth wanders over my hairline again and brushes my forehead. ‘The two lecturers were idiots. I think this is their ploy to deliberately unsettle applicants. You must have been great.’ He says this with such certainty that I almost believe it myself. But only almost.
‘Really not. I answered one question completely wrong. I noticed very clearly that they didn’t like what I said.’
‘In what way?’
I tell him about the debacle in the morning.
‘As I said, I’m sure that’s their ploy. Don’t worry so much. If you can’t make it to Oxford, no one will.’ He sounds more confident than I feel, but it’s good to talk to someone about it at all. Especially because James knows how much Oxford means to me.
‘Thank you for saying that.’
In response, he kisses me on the mouth. It takes me an effort not to lose myself in him, but to withdraw my head at some point and ask him: ‘How did it go for you?’
He makes a hum that is difficult to interpret and suddenly has that expression on his face again, which always appears as soon as the conversation turns to Beaufort, Oxford or his future. He looks hopeless. And it hurts my heart.
‘Talk to me,’ I whisper.
James returns my gaze scowling. In the end, he gives in and takes a deep breath. ‘I know Oxford is the most important thing to you, so it’s hard for me to talk to you about it, but… I think this circus here is so stupid.’
I try not to let that affect me. Not everyone has the same dreams and goals. The fact that James feels this way has nothing to do with me, but only with himself.
‘When I was in this interview earlier … It all just passed me by. Like in a black-and-white film that you fast-forward and in which I’m the only one who doesn’t move from the spot.’
‘If you really don’t want to study here or join your parents’ company, what would you rather do?’
He shakes his head, and I see panic in his eyes. ‘Please don’t ask me that.’
‘Why not?’ I stroke his cheek and feel how rough the skin is there. There are a few stubbles that he will definitely shave tomorrow morning. James certainly looks great with beard shadow.
‘You were right when you said that I don’t know what I want out of life. I don’t worry about what I could do, because if I allow myself to dream, it will only be more depressing afterwards.’
He still thinks that he has no chance to decide for himself what his life should look like. But how could he, when such an inheritance awaits him and lies like a huge burden on his shoulders?
‘Dreams matter, James,’ I whisper.
‘Then you’re my dream.’
It takes my breath away for a moment, but I quickly realize that this is just a lazy attempt by him not to have to react to what I said. ‘Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.’
He smiles at me crookedly. ‘That would have been too easy.’
‘What do you like? What are you passionate about?’
He has to think about that for a moment. I feel that he is suddenly tense, and kiss his chest, as if to tell him that it is okay and that he should take his time.
‘I like sports,’ he finally begins hesitantly. Art. Good music. Oh, and spicy food. Spicy Asian food, to be exact. I’d like to travel to Bangkok and try all kinds of things at the street markets there.’
I grin at his skin. ‘Something like fried grasshoppers?’
‘Exactly.’ Slowly, the tension subsides.
‘That all sounds like it’s within the realm of possibility.’
‘These are things you do when you have a vacation, not something you can consider a goal in life.’
I stroke his belly in gentle circles. ‘It’s a start. You can do all this if you stop standing in your own way.’
James says nothing.
I have an idea. Without further ado, I get up and look for my underwear on the floor. I find everything in the immediate vicinity of the bed and slip first into the panties, then into the bra. I discover a gray shirt of James on the chair at the desk. I put it on and then look around the desk.
‘What are you doing?’ James asks behind me. I grab his black notebook with the curved B and a ballpoint pen before turning to him. He has also put on his boxer shorts again.
‘We’re going to make a list now,’ I answer and climb back into bed with the notebook.
James looks at me questioningly. I knock on the seat next to me. The bed is still warm, and James’ smell surrounds me. Slowly and with a suspicious look, he comes to me. The mattress sinks under his weight as he sits down.
I lean over him and turn on the bedside lamp next to the bed. Then I open his notebook on my lap.
‘Whenever I’m feeling bad, I make lists. Even as a child, this helped me to stay motivated and keep a clear head. Even if things aren’t going so well right now,’ I explain. I pick out inspiring quotes or write down things that I really want to do or change later in the world or something.’ I lift the pen. ‘Normally I make the whole thing a little more colorful, but this one will have to do it.’
The mistrust disappears from his gaze, and he begins to smile. ‘You want to make such a list for me?’
I nod. ‘Maybe she’ll motivate you then, too.’
He looks at the blank page of his notebook and finally nods. ‘Okay.’
Grinning, I put the pen to work. Then I write To-do in squiggly letters in the top center. I underline the headline with a wavy line. Then I write 1. Travel to Bangkok. I look at James expectantly. ‘What’s next?’
He rubs his chin thoughtfully.
‘It can be anything,’ I remind him.
‘I want to keep playing lacrosse,’ he says quietly.
‘Oh yes,’ I murmur, noting the second item on the list. Right next to it, I draw a small lacrosse stick and James’ jersey with the number 17. When I look up again, his gaze is so warm that it makes my stomach tingle.
‘So, what’s next?’
Again, he needs a moment to think. I don’t want to push him, so I wait patiently.
‘I want to read more,’ he says. ‘Even outside my usual genre.’
‘What do you usually read?’
‘Reference books that my father gives me. Biographies of successful entrepreneurs.« He frowns. ‘But there is so much more. For example, I would like to try my hand at manga.’ He smiles meaningfully at me.
‘I could put together a list of recommendations for you,’ I say, returning his smile.
‘I would devour everything at once.’
Grinning, I bend over the list and write down 3. Read more and more diversely. ‘What else?’
James swallows hard. ‘Of course, I would like to do something professionally that fulfills me. I don’t know yet what that could be, or if it’s even possible, but—’ He shrugs his shoulders. It seems as if he wants to say more, but does not allow himself to do so. I put the pen down and grasp his cheek. Tenderly, I stroke his warm skin with my thumb and finally lean forward to kiss him. He closes his eyes and sighs softly.
‘Anything is possible, James,’ I whisper and lean back again. I take the pen and write down 4. Then I look at my work thoughtfully.
‘One point is still missing,’ says James suddenly, reaching for his notebook. He takes the pen from me and writes something down.
‘Done,’ he murmurs, holding the book in front of him. I slide close to him until my bare thigh touches his, and read what he added.
5. Ruby
I hold my breath and look back and forth between the list and James.
‘When you’re with me, I have the feeling that I can do anything,’ he says roughly. ‘That’s why you definitely belong on a list that is there to make me happy.’
I don’t know what to say. So I just climb on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. He puts his hand on the back of my head and kisses me. Together we sink into the pillows, with merged mouths and his dreams in our hands.
