I wasn’t sure if I felt worse or somehow relieved when Theo, ever the gentleman, walked me over to Mila before making his excuses to be elsewhere at the dance. We had been here for nearly two hours, and he still hadn’t come back yet.
Mila silently handed me another glass of medovukha as we watched the couples twirl under the stars. Everyone had given me a wide berth when I arrived, and had made a point to avoid me ever since.
I certainly didn’t miss Sir Mikhail’s lechery or Lord Evander’s insults, even if I was surprised the latter hadn’t taken his chance to gloat. He was preoccupied tonight, though, making his way around the room to converse with the dukes.
I took a long drink of the honey wine, hoping it would stir up the dredges of my black humor and help me find a way to laugh about what I had done. The first two glasses hadn’t helped, but I held out hope for the third, downing the rest of the liquid in one gulp.
Nope. Still nothing.
I walked over to the refreshment table and was about to ladle more of the wine into my glass when a familiar voice sounded beside me.
“Would you care for something a little stronger?” Sir Arès proffered his flask. “Finest vodka in Socair.”
“Yes, please.” I said, taking the container and pouring a hefty dose of the alcohol into my glass.
He chuckled when I handed it back, much emptier than before.
“Maybe you are more Socairan than I realized,” he muttered, taking a swig straight from the flask.
“Just nowhere near Socairan enough,” I countered under my breath.
Arès sighed. “You really didn’t do yourself any favors today,” he added after taking another drink.
“I know,” I admitted.
“I will speak to the other dukes, but I doubt it will change things.” With a final sympathetic look, he walked away, leaving me alone once again.
I appreciated his unexpected kindness, even if his assessment of my predicament was grim. Scanning the room, my eyes snagged on Theo across the dance floor. Seeing the flicker of pain in his gaze as he looked at me nearly cracked my chest wide open.
Swallowing back the lump that had formed in my throat, I walked back over to Mila, mostly in an effort to keep myself from going to Theo. My presence abruptly cut off the conversation she was having with the lord next to her since he scurried away like I might give him leprosy.
She didn’t seem to mind, though, only went back to giving me the same hopelessly sad look that she had been shooting my way all night.
“Stop staring at me like that, Mila,” I said without looking at her.
Guilt pricked at my insides, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about the possibility of marriage.
She took a deep breath and exhaled before speaking. “When Father told me what you did, I—”
“I’m not like you, Mila,” I interjected softly. “I am not Socairan, and holding my tongue when those men sat in my presence and threatened my family…” I trailed off, squeezing my eyes shut, opening them only when Mila’s hand wrapped around mine.
“I don’t blame you for that. I blame them for putting you in this position.” She glared at Lord Evander and Sir Nils, who had their heads together in a whispered conversation. “There has to be something we can do. This can’t be it.”
A swell of gratitude rose up in me. In the handful of days we had known one another, Mila had been a truer friend than anyone outside of my family had back home.
“It’s not over yet,” I reminded her. It was as close as I could come to telling her there was hope, yet.
She squeezed my hand, and we passed the rest of the time in silence..
With Mila and Theo, maybe things wouldn’t be so terrible in Socair. I wouldn’t have my family, but two friends were far better than none.
The pressure in my chest eased slightly as I considered it. Maybe Theo was right. Maybe I was being ridiculous.
It certainly wasn’t like I could trust my own judgment these days.
We didn’t go to the sauna that night. Instead, we went straight back to the Elk tent and freshened up with bowls of river water and a clean cloth.
Inessa helped me to change, and I took longer than I needed to cleaning up. Everyone was in their bedrolls by the time I crawled into mine.
The air in the small room was thick with tension, an invisible line cleaving the space between Theo and me.
His chest rose and fell unevenly, barely visible in the low light of the lantern. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have known he was awake. Minutes ticked by, and the quiet stretched on until even our breathing felt intrusive and overly loud.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand the fact that I had hurt him, especially when he was willing to make this sacrifice for me.
“You know that I care about you.” The silence shattered like a crystal vase on a bare stone floor.
His breathing hitched, the only indication he was listening to me.
“But is this really how you want to choose your bride?” I questioned.
Another moment went by before he turned over to face me.
“I always knew Iiro would arrange my marriage, and I seem to recall you telling me that you asked your mother to arrange yours. So it would appear that you don’t care who you marry, so long as it isn’t me.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but in a way, he wasn’t wrong. He was the only person I had actual feelings for, and I wanted no part of that. I thought about what he had said, that loving someone was a ridiculous reason not to marry them, and I forced myself to give him a better truth.
“It isn’t that I don’t want to marry you. What scares me is that I do, but come on, Theo. Don’t pretend this would be easy for either of us. Your people hate me, and half of them think I’m cursed.”
“Not you,” he argued. “Just…your hair.”
“That isn’t better, unless you want me to shave my head for the rest of my life.”
He reached a hand out to my hair, twirling a strand between his fingers. “Please don’t. I happen to like your cursed hair.”
Amusement colored his tone, but I huffed out an irritable breath. “I’m serious, Theo. What happens when our children come out with cursed red hair? Have you thought about that? It’s a very dominant trait! All of my siblings, all of my cousins on my mother’s side, we all have very bright, very red hair.”
He laughed outright then. At least one of us was in better spirits. “Storms, Rowan, the things you say.”
“I’m not wrong.” I jutted out my chin.
“No, you’re not wrong. But our people are not entirely unreasonable. They would come around, once they saw that you weren’t so different from us.” He leaned forward, pressing his lips against my forehead.
“But who knows how long that would take,” I pressed. “And that’s just one thing. I’m only saying, there are so many things to think about and figure out, things we would have time to discuss if we waited.”
“I understand that, Rowan.” Exasperation laced his tone. “And in a perfect world, we would, but you’re pitting working through a few issues against the fact that you might die in three days.”
I let out a slow whoosh of air. “There is that.”
Silence yawned between us once again, but this time it was filled with slightly less tension.
“Well, I suppose we can see how much actual damage was done tomorrow,” I finally said.
Not that the way the dukes had acted at the dance left much room for hope.
Regardless, Theo seemed somewhat mollified by that. He nodded his agreement, then rolled back over and was snoring softly within minutes.
But I stayed awake, watching the shadow of firelight flicker on the fabric of the tent while my thoughts chased themselves in an unrelenting loop.
And still, I was not prepared when morning came.
