CALLUM
Once the pounding in my head stopped Saturday morning, I grabbed my phone and messaged Oaklyn, worried she’d be too mad for a phone call. Not that I blamed her.
ME: I’m sorry about last night. I was wrong.
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY THE bouncing dots appeared.
O: You were wrong.
O: But I’d be willing to let it slide if you explain to me why it happened.
FUCK. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I didn’t want to explain to her that I lost control of my emotions. That I tried to numb myself with alcohol. So, I gave her a half-truth and hope it was enough for her forgiveness.
ME: I just started drinking last night and didn’t realize how many I had. When I found your panties in my pocket, I remember thinking how I wanted to return them to you.
How much I wanted to see you.
O: Okay. As much as I would’ve loved my panties back, I could’ve done without the insults.
Me: Fuck. I’m sorry, O. I can’t say it enough. I saw you with Jackson and I just
I SWALLOWED HARD, taking a moment to think over my words, deciding to just be honest with her.
ME: I just let my jealousy control me. I didn’t even think.
THE DOTS FLOATED for a while and each time they bounced, my chest squeezed tighter and tighter, preparing myself for what she could be typing.
O: Okay.
Me: Okay? Does that mean you forgive me?
O: Yes. I just need time to think about it. I just need to process everything.
Me: Okay. I understand.
O: I have to go. I have a star paper to work on and it’s taking all my time.
Me: What horrible person would make you write a paper on a star?
O: A real asshole. A nerdy one.
Me: Sounds amazing to me.
O: Ha. Ha. I’ll call you later. 😊
I WAS IRRATIONALLY happy with a smiley face at the end of her message. Her sarcastic messages also lifted a weight off my chest.
Oaklyn had given me so much patience. More than I’d ever expected from someone just starting out on their future. And I went and shoved it back in her face, by acting like a jealous, unappreciative dick. The least I could do was give her some in return.
I’d been with women before and some had been more understanding than others. Some had been easier to distract than others. Some hadn’t bothered to stick around when I pushed them away on the first date. And maybe the ones who had been more patient would have given me more if I’d explained, but not one had ever evoked the need to.
Not once, when faced with them leaving, had I considered sharing my secret. Not one had seemed important enough to fight for. Until Oaklyn. When she’d told me to leave or explain that night, it was like my muscles had seized up and refused to move from the spot.
There was something about her that called to me, that begged me to stay and not give up. That shouted at me that she was the one. So, I’d decided and never regretted my decision at any moment.
We’d become closer, but still stayed the same. Laughter still filled our conversations, but now there were openly heated glances between us that usually ended up with kissing when we could. I couldn’t get enough of her.
With a smile on my face, and hope I hadn’t fucked everything up, I showered and went to my office to catch up on some work. At times my mind would wander to the previous night, but I tried to push it from my mind.
Each time Voyeur would creep into my thoughts, it led to whole new string of emotions I didn’t want. Instead of my chest expanding, it caved in and made it hard to breathe.
My skin burned, but not with desire. My heart thumped in my chest and my breaths came a little faster, but not because I was turned on.
No, if I gave in to those emotions, it would be a repeat of last night.
I’d worked hard over the years to get a grip on the control I’d lost. After all the court cases had been finished and sealed shut, everyone else was able to move on. Yet, I was left spiraling. Fifteen and sixteen had been scary years for me as I learned how alcohol could make me forget, how pot would make the pain easier. How taking my anger out on someone else lessened the pinch in my chest. I’d crashed and burned until my parents had had enough and pushed me back into therapy where I spent the next two years gaining control.
Yet, there I was slipping back again. Letting the visuals of possibilities as she worked torture me.
I knew it was illogical. I’d seen her sheet every night I’d been there before and not once had there been an extreme performance. Rarely anything outside of a solo performance. But maybe those had just been the nights I’d seen it. I rubbed a hand over my face and shook my head, trying to clear it.
I was pulled from my musings when my phone rang. I jumped in my chair, excited at the possibility of hearing Oaklyn on the other line.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Cal.” My excitement ebbed at hearing my mom greet me on the other end of the line. “How are you? I hope I’m not interrupting any exciting plans.”
“Sorry, Mom. Just a fun Saturday grading papers.”
“You need to get out more. Travel.”
“Over a two-day weekend? That’s a bit much,” I said laughing, but my laughter died off when she cleared her throat and hesitated.
“You could,” she paused, probably swallowing like she always did when she was nervous to say something. “You could maybe plan a trip home.”
A buzzing rang in my ear at hearing the word home.
“Why?” I asked so low I wondered if she could hear me.
More pausing, but I couldn’t find any words to fill it.
“Sarah is getting married. They wanted you to come.”
“No.” The word came out without thought. Just fell from my lips wrapped in the immediate reaction I had to the thought of going anywhere near them.
Sarah was his sister and I’d distanced myself as much as possible from that family. They’d felt horrible. Had no idea any of it was going on and apologized profusely rambling on about family and other nonsense I’d been too angry to hear. Even after he’d died, I still couldn’t bring myself to reconnect with them.
After it had all happened, there had been too much tension for my father to keep as close a relationship with his sister. Somehow, they kept in enough contact to eventually bridge the gap. Just not around me. By that point, my shame and pain had morphed into rage and anger, taking on a life of its own. I may have still been a mess now, but I was better than I was thirteen years ago.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I just can’t.”
“Don’t you ever apologize to me. You don’t owe them anything. I think Sarah is just reaching a point in her life where she is trying to reconnect. Growing up and falling in love will do that to you.”
“I’ll send a card.”
“Okay, Callum. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.” She exhaled heavily. “Well, I just wanted to call and see how you were doing and pass the news on. I won’t keep you from your wild life.”
“Very funny, Mom. Tell Dad I said hello.”
“Will do. We’re about to do a couple’s cooking class tonight. He’s so excited.”
My chest rumbled with laughter. My dad hated cooking but would do anything for my mom. He was close to retiring and my mom had taken full advantage to go on as many dates as she could with him. He grumbled about it most of the time, but he enjoyed it because she enjoyed it.
They were a love anyone would aspire to.
“Well you two have fun tonight. Love you.”
“Love you too, baby.”
I tapped the end button and set my phone in line with my stapler.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath in through my nose, holding it for five seconds, then slowly letting it out through pursed lips. And then I did it again until I felt like I was in control of my body. I hated that I still needed the breathing exercises this long after everything. Hated that the mention of a family member could cause me to need them.
Then I began to take stock of my body, the way my heart beat at a normal pace and didn’t hurt with each thump. I wasn’t rubbing at my skin, in desperate need of a shower after the phone call. I wasn’t pacing away from my desk, taking long pulls of bourbon straight from the bottle.
I closed my eyes and breathed again, feeling more centered when I pictured Oaklyn’s face behind my eyelids.
She was the only thing different than my last birthday, when I’d received a card from his family and I’d spent the week locked in my bedroom drinking until I passed out and then repeat. She’d shifted something inside me. Like maybe where there was only darkness and doubt, a bit of light shone through, reminding me I wasn’t done yet. To not give up just yet. She gave me hope and made me want to try harder for that promise of a future.
I laughed at the juxtaposition of the feelings she gave me. She calmed me and centered me, but also pushed my limits of control. The two emotions twisted inside me and I didn’t know what to do with them. All I knew, was that I wasn’t ready to give up on anything. Not my control and definitely not her.
Maybe I’d take the step and go to the wedding. If I kept making improvements, maybe it wouldn’t seem like such a mountain to climb. And if I had Oaklyn by my side, I could conquer the world.
My phone buzzed, and my eyes shot open to see who it was.
O: Want to see me tonight?
I BARKED out a laugh and immediately responded. My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard, happy to hear from her so soon. I sent a quick message back, inviting her over, into my space, promising dinner and then got to work.
“THIS IS DELICIOUS,” Oaklyn said around a bite of pasta.
She had been tense when I opened the door, but I’d pulled her into my arms and whispered my apologies up and down her neck until she’d laughed and demanded I put her down. Just like that, she smiled up at me with her golden eyes and no lingering hurt or questions. Looking just as excited to see me as I was to have her there.
“Thank you. I slaved over it all afternoon.”
She raised an eyebrow and smirked at me. “And do you always serve your freshly made meals in aluminum
containers with Lucia’s Italian Kitchen on them?”
“All the time,” I answered with a straight face, before finally laughing. “What can I say, I’m not the greatest cook, and it’s just me. No need to be good at making elaborate dinners.”
“Callum, this is spaghetti. It may not be the elaborate meal you think it is.”
“Hey, there’s some asparagus.”
“Okay,” she agreed laughing. “It’s just disappointing to see such a large beautiful kitchen go to waste.”
“Yeah, the house is a lot.”
“Why did you buy a house this huge just for you?”
I looked down, watching the tines of my fork twirl the noodles, avoiding looking at her. “I’d hoped it wouldn’t always be just for me. I wanted—want—a family. I’m just not sure it’s possible for me. I thought maybe if I bought the house, I’d feel more pressure to get over everything and start one.”
She didn’t say anything for so long that I looked up cautiously. Her chin rested in her palm as she studied me.
“I think you’ll make a great dad.”
“What?” I barely breathed the word. It wasn’t what I thought she would say. I figured she’d make a comment about how I would never fill this house if I didn’t start filling a woman. But this was Oaklyn. She never judged me, she never made a snarky comment diminishing my issues.
“You’re so passionate in class, how could you not be passionate about everything else? I bet you’d take the kids to a planetarium and force astronomy on them.” She smiled. “Probably have them reciting constellations before their ABCs.”
A lump at the base of my throat threatened to choke me.
I smiled with her, imagining the picture she described.
“But it will totally play in your favor when you make your wife fall in love with you by taking her stargazing. A romantic nighttime picnic.”
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and saw it. Saw myself curled up with a woman with light brown hair and golden eyes. I saw myself making love to her under the stars. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I somehow managed to speak. “What about you? What does your future look like?”
“A stable family. A home we feel secure in. One that I can provide because I have my degree and make a shit-ton of money.”
“A shit-ton? Is that more or less than a fuck-ton of money?”
“Less. I don’t want to be greedy. Especially since I want more. I want a house full of kids. I mean not an army, but definitely more than three. I hated being an only child.”
“Did your parents not dote on you since you were the only one?”
“They did. They tried to be the best they could. They just worked a lot. We seemed to always just be on the edge of making it. So, I was alone as they worked two jobs each. I would have loved to have a sibling to share that time with.”
“Well, I think you’ll make your dreams come true. You’re too determined to not have them happen.”
“True,” she agreed with a hard nod. “Now, let’s clean these dishes up and go make-out on your over-sized couch.”
“We could always just toss them in the sink.”
She cocked an eyebrow at me. “I want your full attention, and if we leave a mess, you won’t be able to focus. I know you, Callum.”
In awe of how well she did know me, I sat as she grabbed both plates and took them to the sink. She followed behind me with the cups and grabbed a towel as I started washing. Her hips swayed to the music I had playing in the background and I was about to say fuck all these damn dishes and attack her. Instead, I settled on flicking soapy water at her.
“Hey,” she screeched, dodging more splashes of water.
“What was that for?”
“If you don’t stop shaking your ass, I’m going to end up putting you up on the counter and eating you for dessert.”
She slicked her tongue across her lips and tugged the bottom with her teeth. Too tempting to pass up, I leaned down and sucked it in my mouth, loving her moan.
“Now hurry up and dry so we can get to dessert.”
She gave a mock salute and grabbed the dish from my hands to dry, but continued to shake her hips, peeking over at me to make sure I was watching.
“Fucking tease.”
She giggled and tapped my hip with her own.
Once I handed over the last dish for her to dry, I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her back to my front.
I brushed her hair to the side and began working my lips down her neck.
“Callum,” she groaned.
“Better focus. Wouldn’t want to drop that dish.”
She swiped the towel across the glass and then set them both on the counter, not bothering to try and put it away, and turned in my arms. Her hands slid over my shoulders and burrowed in my hair, pulling me down so she could feast on my lips.
I seriously considered hoisting her up on the counter, but decided I wanted to have her laid out for me and instead gripped her ass and lifted. Her legs wrapped around my waist and I turned, not taking my mouth from hers, and headed to the living room.
I wasn’t ready to have her mouth off of mine just yet, so I sat back and we made out like a couple of teenagers. I cringed a little when I remembered she actually was a teenager, but when I looked at her, I didn’t see her age. I saw comfort and caring and a future. I made sure to never pressure her or feel like she owed me anything because of my position in her life. She was there because she wanted
to be, and she was an adult able to make her own decisions.
Oaklyn tugged off her top and then mine. She wore another one of those lacy bra things that barely covered her, and I kissed my way down her breasts, sucking on her nipples, loving the way the soft bud felt against my tongue.
Loving the gasp and moans she made when I pinched them between my teeth.
Desperate to taste her, I flipped her to her back and worked her leggings and underwear down her legs as I kissed across her flat stomach. Her legs parted easily for me to fit my shoulders between and I made myself comfortable. I kissed across the crevice of one thigh before cresting her mound and repeating the process on the other.
“Callum,” she pleaded.
“Is there something you want?” I asked innocently before slipping my tongue between her folds and letting the sweet and tangy flavor of her burst on my tongue.
“Yes,” she hissed.
I sucked on one of her folds, letting it go with a pop.
“What is it you want, Oaklyn? Tell me.”
“Lick me.”
I twisted my head and dragged my tongue up her thigh, barely holding back my laugh at her growl. “Not happy with that?”
“You know it’s not what I meant.” She stared down at me past her perfect breasts, one nipple on edge of escaping its lacy confines.
“Show me,” I said, reaching up to tug the lace aside and roll her tip between my fingers. Her hand dropped, and she pointed at her slit. “No, Oaklyn. Show me exactly where.
Open up for me. Show me your clit.”
Her hips twisted under me, but she moved both hands between her thighs and used her fingers to part her lips, exposing every part of her wet cunt to me. I didn’t hesitate, I dove in, starting at her opening and licking all the way up
to swirl around her clit. Her hand clenched, releasing its hold. It didn’t matter, I was ready to feel her squeeze around me and I gave it everything I had.
I sucked on her bundle of nerves and thrust my tongue as deep inside her as I could. Palmed her breasts with one and used the other to slip my fingers inside her. I looked up the expanse of her body as she rode against my face.
Coated my chin with her juices. I only froze a little when her finger dug into my hair holding me in place but pushed it back easily. All of this came more easily, and it was thanks to her.
When her cries came louder and the movement of her hips faster, I focused all my attention on her clit until she came. Each time she pulsed around my fingers, I imagined what it would feel like around my cock and I found myself humping the couch I was so turned on.
Once she’d come down from her orgasm, I kissed my way back up her body and bit at the sensitive tip of her breast. She gasped and pushed her nails down my back.
Bile rose up my throat as I remembered a deeper groan and harder fingers dragging down my skin. I jerked back and moved to the other side of the couch, burying my head in my hands. I couldn’t look at her as I tried to catch my breath, tried to wipe the memory from my mind.
“Callum?” she said, but I shook my head. “Callum, it’s okay.”
It wasn’t fucking okay. I had just had a fantastic moment of burying my head between her thighs. A moment of feeling success completely gone by a moment of remembering. I heard her moving around and pulling her pants back on, and a part of me tried to prepare myself for her to leave.
But then her legs appeared in front of me on the ground as she sat cross-legged. She didn’t touch me, but rested open palms on her knees, facing up. There if I needed her.
“Did you know all the girls in class practically drool when you turn to write on the board? I can’t blame them.
Your ass is especially nice.”
Confused by her change in topic, I jerked my head up and found her with a neutral expression. Her eyes were kind and lacking all the empathy I expected to see there.
She looked like she did when we talked over lunch. Minus a shirt.
“I didn’t realize that.” I knew girls whispered about how I looked but didn’t realize they stared at my ass during class.
And then it hit me. I was done fighting back the memory because my mind had moved on to her question. She’d perfectly distracted me. Dropping my hand, I linked my fingers with her open palm.
“I’m sorry, Oaklyn.” Even if we moved on, I still wanted to apologize for continually jerking back.
Her fingers squeezed mine and she said, “It’s okay, Callum. You don’t need to apologize to me. Whenever you’re ready, just let me know what bothered you, so I know not to do it again.”
“The nails down my back,” I muttered.
Her expression didn’t change, didn’t shift like she felt sad as she imagined what I’d gone through. She remained neutral and gave me a nod.
“Do you want to stay in my guest room tonight?” I asked quickly, hearing how lame it sounded as soon as it came out. My guest room? “I know it’s weird, I just want you here, and well . . .”
“I’d love to,” she said with a wide smile. “I want to be here, too.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and held my hand out for her.
“First, lay with me a while. I’m not ready to leave this couch just yet.”
Taking her hand, I pulled her up toward me and had her face me. Smiling at how beautiful she was, I brushed her
hair back before leaning in to kiss her.
“I can’t get enough of your lips.”
“Good,” she said, snagging another kiss.
“You want to watch a movie?”
She nodded, and I grabbed the remote and scrolled through the on-demand movies. We agreed on a rom-com, and then I pulled her back to my front, loving the feel of her skin pressed to mine. Throughout the movie, her fingers would trail up and down my hand or lace together with my own as she tugged it close to her chest.
I would breathe in her hair, loving the way it tickled my nose. If I could make her a part of me, I would.
By the time the movie was over, she was already passed out. I slipped out from behind her and then picked her up from the couch, her body curling into me as I carried her up the stairs to the guest room. Once I had her settled, on a whim, I decided to lay down with her. She, again, curled her body into mine as soon as I settled next to hers and I wrapped her in my arms. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep, especially since I knew nights were rough when flashbacks happened during the day.
“Fuck, Cal. How can this be wrong when it feels so good? It feels good, doesn’t it?”
“No!” I shouted, jerking up in bed. The air chilled my sweat-slicked skin. I jerked again when a hand landed on my arm.
“Hey,” Oaklyn’s soft voice reached me in the dark. “It’s okay. It’s just me.”
“Fuck,” I whispered past my panting. “I’m sorry.” My body began to tremble as I came down from the rush of adrenaline. “I’m so sorry, Oak.”
Her fingers slowly linked to mine, giving me a chance to pull away. The bed shifted as she scooted closer. On instinct, I leaned into her, allowing her to fall back and take me with her. I stretched my arm, letting the long strands of her hair drape over my fingers and rested my head on her
chest. Her hair always seemed to be my anchor to reality.
When we fooled around, my hand found its way into the strands, holding them tight as she wrapped her lips around my cock. As she kissed me and stroked her hand up and down my cock. I always held tight.
Listening to her heartbeat, I tried to match my breathing to it. Tried to match the slow rise and fall of her chest.
Tried to get lost in the heat of her skin pressing to my cheek. My other hand leisurely stroked across her stomach, fighting the urge to wrap tight around her and squeeze her to me as if I could make us one. As if she were closer, I could use her strength and finally let it all go.
As I held her, she held me. Her fingers slipping softly between the strands of my hair, sending goose bumps down my neck and back. She never tried to push me to talk about it, never made a big deal out of the way my body trembled against hers. She just held me as I came down from my nightmare.
When the shaking finally stopped, she asked, “Do you want to head to your room?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, embarrassed. “I don’t want to, but it may be for the best.”
Thank god she couldn’t see the fire burning my cheeks in the dark.
“Okay.” She placed a soft kiss to the crown of my head and we sat up. I hadn’t expected her to hold my hand and lead the way, but she did like it was her own home. I showed her which door was mine and she didn’t unlink our fingers until we reached my bed. With a gentle kiss to my chest she let go of my hand and walked toward the bathroom. She filled up one of the cups next to the sink and brought it back to me where I stood frozen, watching her movements in the dark.
“Drink. It’ll help.”
I dutifully took the cup and drank it all. She grabbed it from me and set it on the nightstand before ordering me to
lay down. I almost laughed at the way she tucked me in, but it died before it started when she leaned over me and pushed my hair back from my face. Her golden eyes seemed to glow in the darkness and shine a light for me.
“You are one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever known, and I’m so grateful for any of the trust you place in me.”
I lifted my hand to her cheek and brushed my thumb across the soft skin before pulling her down for a kiss.
“I’m a fucking lucky man,” I whispered against her lips.
She gave one last kiss. “I’ll be right down the hall. Have sweet dreams, Cal.”
I did.
I dreamed of making love to her under the stars.
