Is it safe?
I’m sick.
There, I admit it.
I felt awful yesterday, and this morning, it seems to be worse. I can’t stop coughing, sneezing, and wishing there was more of that chicken soup. It hasn’t even been a whole twenty-four hours since I last saw Lucas, and I’m already wondering when I’ll see him next.
The sound of my phone ringing on my nightstand startles me, and my heart races. Is that him? But when I see the name on the screen, my shoulders drop in disappointment.
“Hi, Mom,” I say into the phone.
“Darling. You sound terrible.”
I laugh. “Thanks.” A cough forces itself out of my throat, making my face twist in pain. “I’m just a little sick.”
She lets out a sigh. “If you weren’t so far away, I would come over to help you.”
I had a great childhood. My parents and I were always close, especially when I was a kid, and my dad used to give me piggyback rides everywhere we went. I will always be grateful for them for giving me the family and life I wouldn’t have if they never chose me that day.
But then Nia died. And the bond I felt with them was gone. They became more distant, and even though I had never felt like that before, I stopped feeling like their daughter. I felt like I was in the way, like they had lost their real daughter, and I was all that was left.
It’s a horrible thought to have because they have always loved me, but I always tried so hard to be the perfect daughter for them. Nia gave them trouble sometimes, sneaking off with guys and being late for curfew, but she was their daughter. She was allowed to do that.
I, however, did everything possible not to give them any trouble. But once Nia died, it felt like nothing I did was good enough, like I wasn’t good enough. I feel like a piece of our relationship died the day she did.
“I’m okay, Mom, I promise.” I pull the covers higher, my body freezing cold. “How’s dad?”
“Good, you know your father. Busy with work.” And for good reason. My parents worked hard for what they got, resulting in them being the first generation of their family to go to college.
“What about you?” she asks. “Studying hard, I assume?”
When am I not? Part of me wants to tell her about the deal I have with Lucas, but if she knew that I was trying to pursue acting again, I know she would disapprove. I get it, she doesn’t think it’s a stable career, but am I going to have to hide this from her forever?
Even if this thing with Lucas doesn’t bring anything, I’m not going to stop. Being an actress is all I have ever wanted, and the thought of giving up that dream crushes my heart. Would my parents really be that disappointed with me if I ended up doing something completely different from what they envisioned for me, or more accurately, Nia?
I swallow down the lump in my throat. I don’t want to find out. Not until I’m certain that I can make my dream happen.
“Yep,” I tell her. “These assignments are busting my ass though.”
A heavy sigh escapes me when she laughs along. I miss her so much. I miss the shopping trips we used to take. Me, her and Nia, getting our nails done together, our hair… We haven’t done anything like that together in a long time. Not since the last time with Nia.
“It’ll all be worth it once you get into law school,” she reassures, her cheerful tone evident in her words. “You’ll see.”
I squeeze my eyes closed at the pang of disappointment in my chest. I can hear how happy it makes her to think I’ll be following in her footsteps. “Yeah,” I say with little conviction. “I have to go, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay, darling. Get well soon.”
A smile spreads across her face as I hang up the phone, sinking into bed. If I do what they want and go to law school, I know it will make them happy. And that’s all I want. But in order for that to happen, it’ll be at the cost of my happiness.
I take out my planner and scan my to-do list for the day, but there’s not a single desire within me to complete any of it. I’m so damn tired. Fuck, I hate feeling like this.
I’m interrupted by a knock on my door, prompting me to stuff my planner back in my nightstand. “Yes?”
Gabi’s head peeks through the door, and my gaze narrows, locking onto the blue surgical mask covering her face as she holds out a spray can in her hand. “Is it safe?” she asks, keeping the rest of her body outside of the door.
My eyes roll as a smile appears on my lips. “You’re such a weirdo.” She might be the biggest drama queen of all time, but I know that whenever she’s around, I’ll have a good time.
“I have dance practice to go to,” she says, spraying some of the vanilla scent in my room. “I can’t get sick.”
“And room spray is going to prevent that?” I ask, amused.
She glances at the bottle, letting out a sigh. “Dammit, I got the wrong thing. One sec.”
“I’m fine,” I reply before she has a chance to leave. I might not be feeling great, but I highly doubt I’m contagious. The sneezing has subsided, and now all that’s left is my body feeling like it’s been through the wringer.
“Are you sure?” she asks, stepping into my room. “Lucas said you weren’t feeling well.”
“What?” My eyes widen at the mention of his name. “You talked to him? When?”
“This morning,” she says, finally pulling off the mask. “He left some more chicken soup for you.”
My heart starts to race, my mouth watering at the thought. “He did?”
She nods. “That guy can cook. It was fucking delicious.”
“You ate my soup?” I narrow my eyes at her. “You’re not even sick.”
She laughs, lifting her shoulder in a shrug. “It smelled good, beside, there’s loads. He brought over a pot full of it.”
My stomach starts to rumble at the thought of having some more of the soup, but before I can get up, Gabi sits on my bed with a grin. “So… Lucas, huh?”
I let out a sigh. “We’re in a fake relationship, Gabi. You know this.”
She nods. “I know, but he was still here when I came home yesterday.” A grin spreads across her face, and she wiggles her eyebrows. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” I assure her with a shove on her arm.
She tilts her head, studying me. “I thought you hated him.”
“I do,” I say with a shrug, the words feeling funny on my lips. I’m not sure I do… anymore.
She smirks, reading me. “You don’t.”
I let out a sigh, leaning back against the headboard. “Fine, I don’t hate him,” I admit before shooting her a glare. “But it’s not what you think.”
She shrugs, a grin still on her lips. “If you say so.”
“Nothing is going on with him,” I repeat.
She lifts her brows, smiling at me. “But you want it to,” she says matter of factly, like she knows every thought I’ve ever had about him.
I narrow my eyes at her. “I will cough on you.”
Her eyes widen. “But… you just said you were fine,” I smirk at her, and she narrows her eyes at me, gasping. “You’re evil.” When I laugh, she shakes her head. “You’re not getting out of answering this question.”
“You didn’t even ask a question. You made an assumption.”
She squints, a grin on her face. “Which is correct?”
“No. It’s not. What about you?” I ask her.
Her brows tug. “What about me?”
“Dating anyone?” I ask her with a tilt of my head.
“No.”
A hum builds in my throat. “I haven’t seen you with anyone recently,” I point out. “No guys or girls, for a while now.”
She sighs. “I’m busy with dance and class and everything else,” she says, waving a hand. “I don’t have time for any of that.”
“You know you can bring someone over, though, right?” I ask her. “It’s your apartment as much as it’s mine.”
She rolls her eyes. “Yes, I know, Mom,” she jokes, but then she lifts her shoulder in a shrug. “I’m just not interested in anyone lately,” she says, but then adds quietly, “At least not around here.”
My eyes narrow at that last part. I think back to what she said the night she crashed on my bed, drunk out of her mind. “You can talk to me, you know.”
She narrows her eyes, crossing her arms. “I know what you’re doing.”
“What am I doing?” I ask her. “Trying to get my best friend to open up?” I roll my eyes. “Sue me.”
“You’re trying to change the subject,” she amends.
“I’m not,” I deny. How the hell does she always know what I’m thinking? Sure, I didn’t want to keep talking about Lucas, especially because I didn’t know what was going on. Yesterday, we were so close, and all I could think of was his lips on mine.
Not once have I thought about kissing Connor. I like his smile, and I find him attractive, but with Lucas? I almost did it. Almost leaned in, sick and all, and almost broke the promise I made to myself. To never, ever get myself lost in another guy again.
When her eyebrow lifts in disbelief, I blow out a breath. “Fine,” I admit, sinking back into my pillows. “But you can talk to me about anything,” I tell her, wanting her to know I care about what’s going on in her life.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” she says, nudging her shoulder against mine before she gets up and heads toward the door. But instead of walking out, she turns around at the last minute. “So, where did we land on the whole you and Lucas thing?”
“Oh my god. Get out.” I throw a cushion at her, and she chuckles. “You’re such a meddler.”
“You love meee,” she sings as she walks out of my room.
“I don’t,” I call back, but I smile when I hear her laughing.
I really do.
