The last few weeks of summer flew by as the fall semester approached. The magazine extended my internship and I convinced my mom to let me keep the car, promising that I wouldn’t use it to do anything crazy other than drive back and forth to the magazine offices. She was reluctant at first, but when I screamed that she was ruining my life, she relented. I’d have to use that tactic more often.
Jack would be home shortly, depending on if his team made playoffs or not. I’d fallen into a comfortable routine of working and reading while he’d been away, surpassing my self-imposed goal of getting through twenty books in the summer. The Opportunist was my twenty-fifth and I was completely engrossed in the story, wishing the main character’s mental anguish on no one…except maybe the sorority girls who enjoyed making my life hell.
I walked through the door of our apartment and shouted Melissa’s name. No response. I tossed my purse and car keys onto the counter before opening up the refrigerator door and grabbing a bottle of water. My cell phone rang, blaring Jack’s song, and I sprinted to reach for it.
“Hey!” I answered with a smile in my voice.
“Hey, Kitten.” The flat tone of his voice caused unease to spread in my empty stomach.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I asked, unprepared for what came next.
“I fucked up, Cassie.” He swallowed hard.
“What are you talking about? Are you okay?” My stomach twisted as the ominous sound of his words settled in.
“I have to tell you something.” His voice was so unnatural, it hardly sounded like Jack.
My body slid down onto the cold kitchen floor as I fought against the bile threatening to rise up into my throat. “I’m listening,” was all I managed to get out.
“Oh God. Okay.” He took a quick breath. “Remember the night a few weeks ago…” he paused, “the night I pitched my perfect game?”
“Yeah,” I responded, my lips barely moving.
“Remember when I called really early and woke you up?”
“Uh-huh.” My chest tightened and my stomach heaved.
“I kept saying no, Cassie. I swear. I told her no at least a hundred times,” he rambled, not really making any sense. “I was mean as hell to her, but she didn’t care.”
“What happened, Jack?” I couldn’t stop the shaking in my voice.
“She was just so fucking god damned persistent. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and I was really fucked up.”
“What did you do?” My tone was harsh, the tears already welling in my eyes.
“I called you that morning because I made a mistake and I wanted to tell you. I wanted to be honest with you, but then I heard your voice and I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d lose you and I wouldn’t lose you for some girl who meant nothing.” His voice trailed off into a whisper.
“What are you saying?” I demanded.
“I told you I’d fuck screw up, Kitten. I ruin things,” he whispered.
“No. You don’t get to do that. Tell me what you did!”
“I slept with someone. I’m so sorry. It didn’t mean anything. I made a mistake. I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted her to go away.”
My world spun around me at breakneck speed as my heart literally felt like it was shattering inside my chest.
“Cassie? Say something,” he begged.
“How could you? Why?” I shrieked through my sobs.
“There’s more.”
“More?” I froze. My head whirled, unsure of his meaning.
“Fuck.” He breathed hard and I remained silent for a full minute before he finally continued. “She’s pregnant.”
He said it so low, my ears barely registered the sounds. But my shattered heart not only heard the words, it digested them, processed them, and promptly left the spot in my chest where it used to reside and fell to the ground at my feet and turned to dust.
“Are you there, Kitten?”
“Don’t ever call me that again,” I whispered through my pain.
He breathed loudly into the phone. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, I’m not going to tell you what to do.” Bitterness and resentment swept over me and carried over into my voice. As much as Jack hadn’t sounded like himself earlier, I knew I didn’t sound like myself now either.
“I knew I’d fuck up, but I never meant for this to happen.”
“ You don’t get to do that. No. You don’t get to blame this on anything other than your own inability to keep your dick in your pants. You got drunk. You brought another girl home with you and you slept with her. I deserve better than that.” I ranted at him loudly, my voice catching.
“You’re absolutely right. You do,” he agreed without argument.
“Yeah, well it was supposed to be you, Jack, because you are better than that.” I was frozen in place, vibrating in shock as my future crashed around me.
“I’m scared.”
It took everything in me to put my pride, feelings, and emotions aside and not hang up the phone. I didn’t want to care that he was scared. I didn’t want to care about anything other than my own breaking heart.
But I couldn’t ignore his pain.
“What is she going to do?” I asked first, before the obvious tore through my mind like a tornado. “How did you get her pregnant?” He huffed out a quick breath. “I know how you got her pregnant, but, tell me you didn’t, Jack. Tell me you didn’t sleep with her without protection.”
If I thought my heart couldn’t break any more, I was wrong. Because that realization sent earthquake-sized cracks shooting through me with such ferocity, I thought I might pass out.
“I was really drunk that night, Cassie. And I don’t keep condoms anymore,” he said weakly in his own defense.
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. The pain of this was too much. Everything hurt so bad…even breathing. It was all a reminder that I was still alive and this nightmare was really happening.
“She wants to keep it, Cass. She wants to have the baby.”
“And what do you want?” I asked sharply.
I heard him inhale before blowing the air out long and slow. “I don’t know.” I could picture him in my mind. He was probably shaking his head, his brow furrowed. “I mean, I just want to play baseball. I’m not ready to be a dad. Especially not with this chick. But then again, I don’t want to be the kind of dad that my father was. You know, absent. I’m all mixed up inside and I don’t know what the right thing is.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t listen to him talk about having a baby with another girl while I was so fiercely in love with him. “Jack, I can’t be the one you talk to about this. I have to go.”
I didn’t wait for his response.
I couldn’t.
I knew that if I waited for him to answer me, he’d change my mind. I’d stay on the phone with him for as long as he needed me to. And I couldn’t be that for him. Not right now. Not with this.
I turned my phone off and stared blankly ahead, my thoughts all-consuming. I pictured him saying things to this girl that he said to me. Kissing her the way he kissed me. Touching her the way he touched me. The thoughts made my stomach churn as tears ran unchecked down my face.
My throat burned and I sprinted to the bathroom, losing today’s lunch in the white bowl. I leaned against the bathtub, wiping beads of cold sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. Made-up images crept into my subconscious, threatening to make me sick again unless I forced them away. I curled up into a ball on the shaggy bath mat and cried.
I never realized until the moment it disappeared how much I truly trusted Jack. It took seconds to annihilate the foundation we’d worked so hard to build. In its place were piles of powder, jagged bits of concrete, and shards of my broken heart.
The front door slammed and I heard Melissa shout my name. When I didn’t respond, she wandered through the apartment looking for me. Her brown curls fell against the wall as she peered around the bathroom door. Her eyes widened once she caught sight of me.
“Cass? Are you okay?” The sound of her voice prompted more tears to fall. “Oh my God, what is it? What happened?”
I tried to focus, but Melissa turned into a big blur of brown through my watering eyes. “Jack cheated on me.”
“What? When? I’ll fucking kill him.”
“The night he threw his perfect game. He said he got really drunk and this girl was really persistent and he gave in.” I could barely say the words out loud. “Why would he give in?”
“’Cause he’s an asshole. And he’s stupid. He’s a stupid asshole.” Melissa’s eyes welled up.
“She’s pregnant.”
“Who’s pregnant?” she asked before releasing one of those surprised and horrifying gasps that just slip out uncontrollably. “You’re kidding?”
“I wish.” I grabbed my stomach as it cramped once more.
“I’m so sorry, Cassie. I can’t believe this is happening.” Melissa kneeled down and wrapped her arms around me, her warmth penetrating my chilled body. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Eventually. Just not right now.”
“Does Dean know?” She leaned her head against mine.
“I have no idea.”
“Come on, get up.” Melissa stood and linked her arms with mine.
I shuddered. “I’m afraid to move too far away from the toilet.”
“I’ll grab you a trash can. You need to lie down.” She carried the brunt of my weight on her tiny frame, practically falling with me once we reached my bed.
I crawled on top of my dark blue comforter and plopped my head on the pillow, Jack’s voice replaying in my mind. “What if I can’t sleep?”
“If you can’t sleep, we’ll figure it out. I bet you’re more exhausted than you realize. You’ve had a traumatic day,” she said, her fingers brushing against my hair.
I nodded. “It’s been a little rough.”
“Try and sleep. I’ll be in the living room if you need me.” She leaned down to give me a half hug before leaving my room.
I crawled under the comforter and snuggled into my bed, wrapping my covers into a safe, warm cocoon around myself as I begged my body to shut down. Implored my mind to turn itself off. I knew I’d only be able to find non-vomit-inducing peace in sleep.
Later, I opened my eyes to the sound of the alarm buzzing. I hit the snooze button before the reality of my situation crashed down all around me. That split second before I remembered was so peaceful, then it was gone. There would be no more peace for me today.
I looked at my cell phone, half tempted to turn it on and throw it against the wall. I ignored it as I shoved out of bed to get dressed.
“Cass, you up?” Melissa hollered from the other room.
“I’m up.” My voice was so hoarse from crying, I had to try twice to get the words out.
“I can’t believe you just woke up.” Melissa walked into my room, her concern for me apparent in her expression.
“Me either.” I cleared my throat, longing for some warm tea with honey to ease the burning there.
“Have you heard from him at all?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t turned my phone on.”
“You don’t have to. And you don’t have to go to class either, you know?”
“I can’t sit here and cry all day,” I whispered through my pain. “I need a distraction.”
“Okay.” She gave me a quick squeeze before leaving me alone.
*****
The next few days were a blur as I found it difficult to concentrate on anything other than my failed relationship. Classes were a great distraction…in theory. But the reality was that everything reminded me of Jack, and no matter how many lectures I heard on Visual Reporting or Comm Law, nothing held my attention with greater force than my own destructive mind.
My phone stayed off until my mom called Melissa’s cell phone, frantic that I was either kidnapped or dead since my phone kept going straight to voice mail. When I finally did turn it on, seven new voice mail notifications appeared. All seven were from my mom, each one increasing in overdramatized panic.
The blue text message envelope lingered at the top of my screen, begging for me to press it. Eight new text messages from Jack. Eight.
I am so sorry, Cass. Please tell me you know how sorry I am.
How did I screw us up this badly?
I love you. I love you so fucking much.
I feel like someone ripped out my heart and smashed it with bricks. It hurts. I hurt. And I’d gladly take your hurt too if it meant that you’d be okay. I’d do anything for you.
Cassie, please respond to me. Tell me to fuck off. Anything! Your silence is more hurtful than your anger.
I deserve this. I deserve anything you want to do to me. I sure as hell don’t deserve you.
I’m losing my fucking mind. I’ve already lost my heart so I guess in a way that makes sense. I’m so fucking lost without you.
I love you. I’ll never stop loving you. And I’m so sorry for everything. I’ll never stop telling you how sorry I am.
But eventually he did stop.
It had been over two weeks since his last attempt to contact me. And as hard as it was to not respond to his texts, it was even harder to stop getting them. I wanted him to want me. I needed him to still need me. Because I was still so desperately in love with him, my heart ached with each beat it pumped.
Of course, Melissa knew. “Jesus, Cassie, you look like hell. When’s the last time you’ve eaten something other than toast? Or brushed your hair?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.” My voice was hollow, void of emotion.
“You need to eat, okay?” Melissa cocked her head to the side, her expression soft.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Which is exactly why you need to eat something,” she responded, which made no sense to me at all.
Jack’s name suddenly appeared on my cell phone. My body started to shake as my gaze swung around to meet Melissa’s.
“Jack?” she asked, her tone surprised. I nodded. “Don’t answer. Unless you want to. No, you shouldn’t.” Melissa fought with herself as I pressed Decline, sending his call to voice mail.
He’d stopped leaving voice mail messages around the same time he stopped texting. So I jerked my head back in surprise when the One new voice mail notification appeared on my screen.
I hesitated before pressing Send, tears already filling in my eyes.
His voice mail was short and to the point. “I know you hate me and never want to talk to me again, but I really need to tell you something.” He exhaled before whispering, “Kitten, please. I wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important.” Then he hung up.
I still loved him no matter how hard I tried to pretend like I didn’t.
“What did he say?” Melissa asked.
“He asked me to call him. Said he had something he needs to tell me. As if I can take any more of Jack’s news.” I shook my head, the tears no longer hesitating to fall.
“Well, shit. I wonder if Dean knows. Want to call him for the heads-up first?” she suggested.
“That’s actually brilliant, but I don’t think so. I’ll just call him and I’ll be right back.” I gave her a half smile before heading into my bedroom and closing the door behind me.
I scrolled through the missed calls list on my phone and pressed on his name before touching the Send button.
“You called,” he said as he answered.
“You said it was important.”
“I’m really sorry, but I wanted you to hear this from me.” Jack’s voice was so flat it sounded robotic.
I couldn’t take much more of this. My heart was so fractured already. “What is it now, Jack?”
“I asked Chrystle to marry me.” He choked on the words and I almost swallowed my tongue.
“You what? You’re kidding, right?” I instinctively looked at the calendar on my wall to make sure it wasn’t April first.
“It’s the right thing to do.”
I let out the biggest, loudest, most sarcastic ha! I could manage. “The right thing to do? How is marrying someone you don’t even know the right thing to do?” My head spun as a dizzy feeling overwhelmed me.
“I won’t be like my parents.” His voice faltered. “I have to be there for my kid.”
My voice softened when I heard his pain. “Jack, you’ll never be like your parents. But you don’t have to marry some stranger to prove that.” My lungs felt like they stopped functioning, and I forced myself to suck in a breath.
“It’s the right thing to do,” he repeated.
“You already said that.” I started wondering who he was trying to convince. “Jack, no kid should grow up with two parents who don’t love each other, let alone even know each other. This isn’t right!”
“I’m sorry, Cass. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck-up.” He sniffed.
“You’re not a fuck-up, Jack. But please, don’t do this.” I begged for him to see reason. “It’s one thing to have a kid with someone, but it’s another thing to marry them.”
“I already asked her,” he admitted reluctantly.
“What? Jack, no,” I said as the tears spilled. Breaking up was hard enough to deal with, but marrying someone else was truly putting the final nail in the coffin of us. “Have you talked to Marc and Ryan?” I asked through my desperation, assuming his agents would have the ability to talk logic into his clearly illogical mind.
“I have.”
“And?” I practically shouted. “What did they say? I’m sure they told you not to do this.”
“They pretty much said exactly that.”
“Jack. If everyone is telling you the same thing,” my breath hitched, “we can’t all be wrong.”
“It doesn’t matter. I refuse to continue the fucked-up cycle my parents started. We’re getting married in two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” I could barely say the words aloud.
“Chrystle doesn’t want to be showing in the wedding pictures.”
I hated her. Right when he made that statement, I felt pure hatred toward this strange girl. How was some random chick getting to marry the one guy I’d loved in my entire life?
“Kitten?”
“Don’t…call me that,” I said, my breath shaking.
“Cassie.” His voice wavered. “I never meant for this to happen. I never imagined marrying someone who wasn’t you.”
Resentment replaced the sadness coursing throughout my body. “How is that supposed to make me feel? Huh? You can’t say that to me! It’s not fair, Jack. I can barely get through the day without breaking down.”
“I’m sorry, Cassie, but you’re not the only one hurting here. You’re not the only one who has to try to make it through each day. I lost us too, ya know?”
I felt the breath I was holding escape with a whoosh as I struggled for air. “I don’t know how to get over you.”
“I’ll never get over you.”
“Then don’t do this. Jack, please don’t marry her,” I pleaded, my voice breaking.
“I have to.”
“You don’t have to!” I screamed into the phone and he didn’t respond.
Melissa barged into my room after hearing my raised voice, her face contorted in confusion and sympathy. I waved her over, not wanting her to leave, so she positioned herself next to me on the bed with her back leaning up against the wall.
“Do you still love me?” I asked him, squeezing my eyes shut.
“I’ll love you until the day I stop breathing,” he answered, his voice cracking.
“This isn’t how our story was supposed to go, Jack. We weren’t supposed to end like this.”
“You think I don’t know that? Our story wasn’t supposed to end at all.”
“I guess we’re really over.” I tried to accept the finality of it all.
“If I had the power to take it all back, I would. I’d give anything to undo this.”
I broke down. I bawled uncontrollably into the phone, my misfortune spilling out in teardrop form.
“Please don’t cry, Kitten.” His voice shook.
“Don’t call me that any more. You don’t get to call me that any more.” I could barely speak for sobbing.
“You’re right. I should probably go.”
“Good…bye, Jack,” I moaned before pressing End, not waiting to hear another word. I dropped my head into my hands, my tears soaking the comforter.
“What was that? What’s happening, Cassie?”
“He’s getting married.” I could barely choke the words out.
“He’s doing what?” she shouted, her face angry. “Why?!!”
“He says it’s the right thing to do.”
“I’m calling Dean.” Melissa shot up from my bed.
“What? No! Why?”
“Because someone has to talk some sense into that idiot and it can’t be you!” She stomped out of my room.
My world went black and the next thing I knew, Dean was sitting at the foot of my bed, clearly uncomfortable with the way I carried on. Even with my face buried in my pillow, my muffled wails were loud enough to wake the dead. He tried to comfort me by patting my calves, and I turned my head to look at him before swatting his hands away.
“Say something, Dean,” Melissa insisted, jabbing at his shoulder.
“What do you want me to say?” he asked through clenched teeth.
“Make her feel better. Tell her you talked to Jack. Something!” Her voice sounded so frantic.
I jerked my head up at the mention of his name. “You talked to Jack?” I choked out, my chest heaving.
“Yeah.” He frowned.
“And?”
“He’s completely irrational. I can’t talk any sense into him at all,” he admitted, his voice frustrated.
“What about his agents? I mean, what good are they if let him go through with this?”
“They tried, trust me. I guess I should be thankful they got him to agree to a pre-nup,” he said and lifted one shoulder.
“They did? That’s good.” I sniffed.
“They tried to get him to wait. They told him to get confirmation that the baby was his, but you know Jack,” he said with a huff.
I nodded with understanding before allowing my head to fall back into my pillow.
“I’m sorry, sis. I tried to tell him this was wrong. I tried to talk him out of it, but he won’t listen. He’s so stubborn and he’s convinced himself that what he’s doing is right.” He tugged at his brown hair, his eyes closing.
“Gran even tried to talk to him,” he whispered, his eyes still tight.
“What? What’d she say?”
“She told him that it doesn’t take becoming someone’s husband to become a good dad. She told him that one has nothing to do with the other. That being a dad was a choice. That anyone could father a child, but a real man chooses to be a dad. She told him that being a husband was something that should be reserved for the person you truly want to call your wife.”
“Gran’s good.” I couldn’t hold back a slight smile, awed at Gran’s wisdom.
“What’d he say to that?” Melissa chimed in.
“He wouldn’t listen to her, either.” Dean’s head shook and my smile faded. “He told her that his child wouldn’t grow up in a broken home. That sometimes you have to be unselfish and compromise even if it’s not what you want because it’s not about you anymore.”
“There’s no getting through to him. How are they doing?” I asked, referring to Gran and Gramps.
“They’re both really sad. They’re worried for him. And they’re worried about you.” The skin around his eyes pulled tight with his stress.
I nodded, no words necessary.
“He loves you, Cassie. He doesn’t give a shit about this girl, he’s just so fucked messed up from our parents that he can’t see reason.”
“I feel like you wouldn’t do this though, and you both grew up in the same house.” Melissa folded her arms across her stomach.
“Yeah, but he was older so he remembers things that I don’t. He was the one who had to hold it together while our mom fell apart. He remembers the day our dad didn’t come home. Honestly, he really lost it when Mom left. He was never the same after that and he’s been fighting his demons ever since.”
Dean shrugged, picking at the fabric of his shorts. “I never thought he’d let anyone in. We would fight like crazy about it until I realized there was no changing him. I don’t think it’s that he didn’t want someone to love him—he just didn’t want to risk loving them back.”
He paused, exhaling through his nose. “Then you showed up and everything changed. You changed him.”
“He changed me too.”
“I’ll say,” Melissa added, her arms dropping to her side. “She never let anyone in either. I knew the night she saw Jack that something was different.” Her blue eyes pierced into mine. “I could literally see it. Watching the two of you interact, it was like watching fireworks light up the night sky. You two burn brighter when you’re together.”
“Even fireworks burn out,” I said, my voice solemn.
