After the wedding Chrystle wanted to buy a house, insisting that our child needed a neighborhood and a backyard in order to be truly happy. We fought for weeks over it, until I finally got it through her thick skull that we weren’t going to live in Alabama forever.
“I can get moved up or traded at any time, Chrystle! Then we’ll have to move right away. It doesn’t make any sense to buy a house here when we’re most likely not staying,” I shouted, trying but failing to hold back my temper.
“But I want to live here in the off-season. Don’t you?” she cried.
“Hadn’t planned on it.” I longed to feel any emotion for the tears she shed, but couldn’t find it in me.
“You’re not even trying.”
I released an exasperated sigh. “What are you talking about?”
“This marriage. Us. You’re not even trying, Jack. I deserve for you to try.” She stomped her foot on the floor. “I’m carrying your child. We both deserve for you to try.”
There was the emotion I so desperately needed. Guilt. Welcome home, old friend. “You’re right. I’ll try harder,” I promised, and she cried again.
“Sorry. Being pregnant makes me really emotional.” She wiped at her face with the back of her hand and I reluctantly pulled her into my arms.
*****
I walked through the front door carrying my baseball gear before I shouted, “Chrystle? I’m back!”
I refused to say that I was home because Cassie was my home. But I’d lost that, and her, forever, so I’d never truly be home again.
“I’m up here,” she shouted from upstairs, her voice sounding odd.
“Are you okay?” I yelled before craning my neck to hear her response. “Chrystle?” I yelled again, dropping my bags with a thud.
I could make out the soft sounds of crying as I rushed up the stairs to our bedroom. Chrystle was curled into a ball surrounded by pillows and used-up tissues. While no feelings existed for the woman I was married to, my feelings for what grew inside of her were immeasurable.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Is the baby okay?” I asked, overwhelmed with worry.
“Oh, Jack.” She broke down into tears. “I lost the baby this morning.”
My stomach dropped and on its way down it grabbed a hold of my heart. “What? What happened?”
“The doctor said it’s common. I woke up and started bleeding really bad. I was so scared.” She threw herself into my arms and sobbed against my chest.
Devastation ripped through me. Somewhere along the way I’d grown used to the idea of being a father. I’d made plans and looked forward to a future that no longer existed.
There was no more baby. I brushed under my eye and stared at Chrystle’s stomach, resting my hand there.
“I can’t believe I lost our baby. I’m so sorry. All I wanted was our baby. Our child.” She looked up at me through her tears.
“I know. Me too,” I admitted as a tear escaped my eye. “Can I get you anything? Do you want some water or something?”
“I’m okay. Where are you going?” She clung to my shirt as I climbed to my feet.
“I’m just going downstairs to grab a drink. I’ll be right back, okay?”
She nodded and I flew from the room, my emotions taking over. I hopped over the last two stairs before rushing into the tiny bathroom and slamming the door shut. I fell to the floor, my head falling between my legs as I grieved for the child I’d lost.
My chest heaved with pain before a sliver of hope crept in.
You can leave Chrystle now.
Get a divorce and go fix things with Cassie.
Spend your life making it up to her.
Relief washed over me, quickly followed by guilt, my new best friend. How could I feel relief at a time like that? This isn’t the time to find happiness. What the fuck was wrong with me?
I steadied my heartbeat before pushing my body up from the floor. I poured a glass of water, grabbed some headache medicine, and slowly crept back up the stairs.
“Let’s make another baby, Jack.”
Her request caught me off guard. “What?”
“Make love to me,” she begged.
“No,” I told her staunchly, the very idea made me want to punch something. I hated the relief I felt, but the truth was, I’d just dodged a bullet. I wasn’t about to load the gun again.
“Why not? Now that we’re not having a baby, you’re going to leave me? I can see the headlines now…‘Jack Carter Leaves Heartbroken Wife After She Loses Baby.’”
I winced. “Calm down, Chrystle.”
“Say you won’t leave. I can’t handle you leaving on top of what I already lost.” She sobbed, her face flushed.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I conceded.
I woke up the next morning, my head throbbing as if I’d drank too much the night before. But it was the ache of loss that ripped through my skull. I glanced at Chrystle, her arm possessively clasping mine. She whined as I removed it from her grip and flipped over, but continued sleeping as I crawled out of bed.
I brushed my teeth, splashed water on my face, and started to head downstairs. “Where are you going?” Her needy voice stopped me in my tracks.
“I’m just heading to the gym. Go back to sleep.” I took two steps toward her before changing direction and running down the stairs.
I sat in my car, turned the ignition, and powered on my wireless headset. As I drove away, I dialed Dean’s number.
“Hey, bro, it’s early.” Dean’s voice was raspy. Apparently I’d woken him up again.
“Shit. I always forget the time difference. Sorry.”
“No big deal. What’s up?” He yawned into the receiver.
“Chrystle lost the baby yesterday,” I said as my emotions whooshed out from me.
“Oh God, really? I’m so sorry.” I heard him shifting around in his bed. “Are you okay?”
“I will be.”
“So what now?” he asked, the same way he always did when we were kids.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’ll get a divorce, right? You’re not going to stay with her now that there’s no baby?” He practically shouted in the phone, causing me to pull mine away from my ear a little.
“I can’t leave her right now, Dean. She’s devastated. She can’t stop crying.”
“So what? She’s a bitch. I’ll fly out today and help you pack.” His voice was serious.
“Even I’m not that heartless,” I commented with a snicker.
“Does Cassie know?” I heard his question and my mind drifted as the trees in the neighborhood rushed past my window.
“No.”
“Are you going to tell her?”
“Not right now,” I admitted.
“Why not? What is going on with you? Leave Chrystle and come make things right with Cassie!”
“Not yet.”
“What are you waiting for?” He sucked in a gulp of air. “You’re not in love with Chrystle, are you?”
My hands gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white with the force. “Are you fucking crazy? I don’t even know how to love anyone other than Cassie.”
“Just making sure.”
“I’m gonna go. I just wanted to tell you. Can you tell Gran and Gramps, please, and tell Gran I’ll call her soon. Don’t tell Cassie. She shouldn’t hear it from you,” I demanded.
“Fine. But you better tell her soon.”
I arrived at the clubhouse gym to find three of my teammates already working out. Coach sat in his office, the phone in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. I smiled when he placed down his coffee and reached for a donut, shoving part of it in his mouth while he tilted the phone back behind his shoulder. His eyes darted out the window and met mine before his head nodded in time with his moving mouth. He put the phone down, stood up, and wagged his finger. “Carter.”
Anxiety shot through me as I walked into Coach’s office, my stomach dropping.
“I just got off the phone with the head of the organization. You got the call, kid. They’re moving you up for the playoffs. Pack your stuff, grab that wife of yours, and get ready to leave tonight. You start playing with the team tomorrow.”
My feet wouldn’t move and my ass felt like it was super-glued to the chair I was sitting in. “What?” I asked like an idiot and he laughed.
“Get outta here, Carter. Your flight leaves at ten tonight. We’ll messenger the tickets to your house. Congratulations, kid, you’re a hell of a pitcher.”
“Thank you, Coach. Thank you so much.” I stood, my hand shaking as I reached for his.
I throttled the gas, a million thoughts racing through my head, the most prominent one being how badly I wanted to share this moment with Cass. After everything we’d been through, she was still the first person who came to mind when I had news to share. It made me fucking sick to think I wouldn’t be moving her to Arizona with me. When I dreamed of the future, this had always been part of it. Getting to The Show was the foremost thing on my mind. But Cass at my side went hand in hand with that vision.
When I got home, I searched through the house. “Chrys? Chrystle?” I shouted.
“In here.” Her voice drifted in from the kitchen.
I walked into the kitchen and caught her eye. “Start packing. We leave for Arizona tonight.” I smiled.
“What? Really?” Her voice radiated with excitement as she threw her tiny arms around me.
Since she was no longer carrying my child, I didn’t move to hug her back.
I’m an asshole.
“A messenger will drop off the tickets and a car will pick us up at eight thirty.”
“What do we do with all our stuff? Just leave it?”
“We’ll come back here when the season ends and pack everything up. But for now, just bring the necessities. I’m not sure how long we’ll be there.”
“This is so exciting! I’m married to a big leaguer.” Her voice rang out in song as she reached for her cell. “I’m going to call my mama.”
“Alright. I’m gonna hop in the shower,” I said as she hummed to herself.
I ran upstairs and turned the shower on, closing the bathroom door behind me as I wished for a moment of solitude. Wished for a moment that Cass was here. Wished I hadn’t fucked things up. Realizing I’d left my cell phone in my gym bag downstairs, I opened the door to ask Chrystle to get it for me. “Chrys?” I scanned the bedroom, but she wasn’t there.
I wrapped a towel around my waist and headed downstairs when I overheard Chrystle say, “Oh please, Tressa, I’ve got him wrapped around my finger. I’ll have him so guilt-ridden by the time the night is through, he’ll never leave.”
I paused on the stairs, listening with intent as she continued. “I know, right? No, he’s in the shower. Tressa! He doesn’t suspect a thing. And plus, I’ll make him sleep with me until I actually do get pregnant…for real this time.”
My jaw worked as I saw red and my ears started to burn. “He has no idea I made the whole thing up. How could he? What does a guy know about being pregnant? Nothing.”
She laughed and my temper flared. I stormed down the rest of the stairs and into the kitchen, my eyes burning a hole right through her. “Hang up the phone,” I demanded as her face twisted with surprise. “Hang up the goddammed phone. NOW!” I lunged for the device in her hand, but she pulled it away.
“Tressa, I have to go. I’ll call you later. ’Bye.”
“Tell me you didn’t, Chrystle. Tell me you didn’t fucking lie to me about being pregnant.” I vibrated with emotion, my hands balling in and out of fists, and she moved away from me.
She didn’t answer. Instead, she stared at me with her stupid face, and I wished for a brief second that it was socially acceptable to punch a chick. “Who else knows?” She didn’t move. “WHO…ELSE…KNOWS?” I shouted through my rage.
“J…j…ust Tressa and Vanessa,” she stuttered.
“You’re lying!”
“I’m not lying, Jack. I swear. They’re the only ones I told.” Her voice shook with her admission.
I glared at her, my adrenaline pumping like wildfire through my already heated veins. “Why would you do that to me? You ruined my fucking life! You made me lose the only person I’ve ever loved for a lie?!! Why, Chrystle? TELL ME WHY?” I screamed from the other side of the granite island in the kitchen, pounding my fist against the top.
“Because!” she shouted back.
“Because why?”
“Because I just wanted a major league baseball player for a husband! Okay? I wanted to marry a professional athlete. I wanted a rich and famous husband,” she screamed.
“And it didn’t matter that you ruined my life, as long as you got what you wanted?”
“Oh, save it. I didn’t ruin your life, Jack. It’s not like I killed your career or anything.” She rolled her eyes with a huff, any guilt she felt dissipating.
“Get your stuff and get the fuck out. I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here.” I pointed toward the front door.
“But you leave for Arizona tonight. At least let me stay while you’re gone.” Her whiny voice sent irritation through me like the sound of nails on a chalkboard.
“No. If you step foot in this house while I’m away, I’ll have you arrested for breaking and entering, right after I file the restraining order against you and annul this sham of a marriage for false pretenses and lying.”
“Whatever, Jack. Good luck getting Cassie back after all this. No one will ever really love you. Your own mom didn’t even stick around.” She hurled the insult and I took it like a ninety-mile-an-hour fastball to the gut.
“I changed my mind. Get out of my house now. I’ll set your things on fire and mail you the ashes.” I grabbed her by the arm, forcefully removing her from the premises before engaging the dead bolt on the door behind her.
“Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!” she screamed as she pounded her fists against the door. For a bitty thing, she could sure make a lot of noise.
“You’re dead to me,” I shouted through the door before turning around and heading upstairs to pack.
