Three Winters Ago
“You’re… You’re telling me this now.”
Kyle and I had been dating for a year, and he just dropped the bomb on me that four months ago, he’d had a threesome with some first year girl and his best friend.
His best friend who we just went out with the other night.
His best friend who constantly told us how good we were for each other.
His best friend who had a fucking girlfriend too!
“The guilt was eating me alive, Blu. I didn’t want to hurt you, I –”
“You didn’t want to hurt me, Kyle?” Tears burned my eyes but I reserved the right to cry. He didn’t deserve to see them fall.
“No, baby – I mean, Blu, I didn’t.”
“You thought that by telling me four months later, you’d be sparing my heart?”
“Well,” he scratched the back of his neck, looking around my room like some fucking treasure was hidden behind the beige walls. “I just… You were doing so much for me and I couldn’t keep it from you anymore. You deserve so much better. I don’t deserve you.”
Then the stupidest thing happened.
He started to cry.
“I don’t deserve you,” he repeated.
Slowly, he made his way towards the edge of the bed, crouching down between my legs.
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t deserve you.” He wrapped his arms around my middle and set his head against my breasts.
Then the stupidest thing happened again.
Only I was the stupid one.
I began comforting him.
Him.
The person who broke my heart.
The person who cheated on me.
I was playing with his hair. Scratching his back. Feeling his skin against my bare legs.
Wanting him.
Craving this closeness. The comfort we’d shared for three-hundred-sixty-five days.
“It’s okay, Kyle.” It wasn’t. But neither was I.
“I don’t want to get back together,” he whispered against my stomach, his lips hiking up the edge of my shirt. “I just want you to know how much you deserve.”
His fingers slipped up my pyjama bottoms. “I wish I could’ve been that for you.”
“Why…” He slipped a finger inside of me, pulsing up and down. “Why… um, can’t you… be?”
Gently, he pushed me down onto the bed, his body covering mine with protection. A brief moment of security.
I knew it would end soon enough.
“Because you’re too good for me, baby.” His jeans were off before I realized, his dick inside me once again.
“You’re so…” In and out. In and out. “You feel so good.”
He finished three minutes later.
I laid on my bed half naked, staring at the ceiling, cursing myself for letting this happen again.
I was to blame.
I let people take advantage of me.
I was in the wrong.
“I’m –” He zipped up his pants, hand on the doorknob, no remorse in his eyes. “Fuck, Blu, I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done that.”
“No,” I whispered. “We shouldn’t have.”
He was gone within thirty seconds.
I don’t know how long I stayed in that position for. The sun began to set until the darkness outside my window covered the lower half of my body.
“Good enough to fuck,” I stated.
“Not good enough to love,” I accepted.
