Year Four/Week Eleven – Present
I spent an extra ten minutes in the bathroom fixing my hair.
Honestly, it was a bit embarrassing, trying this hard to impress someone but I had to do it. He needed to see that I was more than just a broken shell.
Ever since our phone call, I felt weird. A part of me was happy that he knew more about me, but the biggest part felt intolerable. I never anticipated that Jace would learn anything below surface level stuff, but when he asked, I couldn’t deny him.
I walked in five minutes before class and saw him sitting in the second row, like usual, more dressed up… Huh. Unusual.
“Going to an event?” I guessed, sliding into the chair next to him.
He smiled, brighter than ever this time. It actually lifted me up.
“I’m meeting my brother for dinner tonight.”
“Oh, right! That’s tonight. Have fun.”
“I will.” His grin was permanently plastered on his face. I felt the joy bursting through him and I basked in it.
My eyes surveyed his outfit, immediately catching on a watch around his left wrist with a sage green strap. He always wore a silver bracelet, but it was tucked beneath the sleeve of his beige sweater. A silver-gold chain sat polished around his neck, a little heart charm attached to it.
“My mom gave it to me,” he’d said when I asked.
“Your earrings are different.”
He felt the red heart studs on his ears and nodded. “Just got ‘em too.”
Everything about this made my heart flutter. In that moment, I realized how much family mattered to Jace. I wanted to ask about everything and learn all the ins and outs of his life.
Seeing how he dressed up to go to dinner with his brother was the cutest thing in the world. It was precious, wholesome, perfect. I felt all the harsh parts of me melting because I’d never gotten the chance to impress a family member – only men. No one else cared to see me. No one else was around.
A wave of envy infiltrated my veins but slowly dissipated when Jace nudged my arm.
“Smile more, Blu. You have a nice smile.”
Never in my life did I want to hug someone so bad, to hold them and erase the horrible parts of their past. If he was happy, I was happy. When he laughed, I wanted to be the one who caused it.
But then the voices hit.
No, no, no, Blu. Don’t do this again. Don’t fall in too deep with someone you barely know.
I wanted to block them out but they kept coming.
He’s only saying these things to get a reaction.
He’s only complimenting you because he’s in a good mood.
You’re nothing special, don’t ever fucking think you are.
I wanted to scream, to shut my mind off, to burn the thoughts that made me anxious. But I couldn’t. I spiralled. I constantly worried. No reassurance in the world could settle my nerves.
I glanced over at Jace, the ocean in his eyes that pulled me to shore, and I wondered, were they yanking me to safety, or leading me to a storm?
An itch formed between my fingers, tingles trailing to my wrist and forearm. This man, smiling beside me, could break my heart any day.
And I’d let him.
That was the problem.
Wherever his eyes would lead me, storm or shore, I’d follow.
