Graduation – Present
“All I’m saying is I missed you.” Fawn curled her hair, facing me in the bathroom mirror. “We barely hang out anymore.”
I snorted in feigned amusement. “And why do you think that is?”
She placed the iron on the counter and turned to me. “You can’t blame me for hanging out with my boyfriend.”
“I don’t blame you, I just hate the fact that your boyfriend is also Jace’s best friend.”
“But what does that have to do with us?”
Did she not get it? “I don’t want to be associated with anyone involving Jace Boland.”
Heat radiated off her body. “I AM NOT ASSOCIATED WITH HIM,” she practically yelled, “We barely speak!”
This, I knew for a fact, was true. Bryce made it a point to have date nights with Fawn and guy nights with Jace separately. Mind you, I don’t know why you would couple those things together, but I guess Jace enjoyed bringing girls around Bryce. Probably another one of those ego games he liked to play. Wouldn’t surprise me.
“Blu, when you and Jace were fucking around I never said anything because you seemed happy. A little obsessed, but happy.”
Ah yes, the short-lived time period where we fucked in empty classrooms, made-out in campus bathrooms and riled each other up during seminar.
The first time Jace and I had sex was at his house when his parents were both gone (he’d told me his dad was always gone so not to worry). It was raining that day, the first time I went over, and we sat on his bed staring out the window.
I remember saying, “I could watch this all day.” The rain always calmed me.
He was staring at me already, a hand on my knee when he responded, “Me too.”
If I wasn’t already enamoured by his sharp jaw, blue-green gaze and handsome face I would’ve thought that comment was cringey. But the second his lips touched mine, I knew I was a goner.
We fucked twice in two hours. At the time, it was euphoric. Now, I felt stained. But even still, if he kissed me, I don’t know that I’d be capable of saying no. I don’t know that I’d want to. Because him inside me felt like the most intimate thing in the world. Every touch, every kiss, every look after that was not nearly enough.
Him being inside me wasn’t even enough.
I craved his closeness, his attention, his affection. Every other guy was erased from my brain; a blank slate replaced by Jace.
Jace. Jace. Jace.
He was all I saw.
Fawn snapped her fingers, calling my attention. “Helloooo?”
I picked up the straightener again, flattening the frizz. “I don’t think I was ever happy with Jace.”
“Weren’t you?”
“No,” I shook my head. “My happiness was unhealthy. I don’t think that’s happiness. Like, I neglected everyone but Jace. Not that there were many people to neglect.”
Who did I have besides Fawn and Carter?
My own mother was happy to hand over my dad’s money because she received five times more than I did. My own mother looked down on my wealth because she suddenly had more. It wasn’t even her fucking own. Did she not realize that? Did she not realize her husband had to die to feed her alcohol supply?
The thing that killed her, made her feel alive.
She and I had that in common.
Only my bottle of bourbon was a 6’3 painting of a man who split my heart in two.
Fawn rubbed my shoulder. “I should’ve been there more.”
“I should’ve let you.”
A few minutes of silence passed between us. Both her and I had things to think about, we knew that.
“You leave for Paris next Tuesday,” Fawn stated, avoiding my eyes.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Are you excited?”
In the beginning of fourth year, the thought of walking the cobblestones in front of the Eiffel Tower, inhaling the scent of Parisian croissants and shopping in too-expensive boutiques was my joy-fuel. Now, it wasn’t so much of excitement but an escape.
I wasn’t going to Paris for enjoyment.
I was going to run away.
I guess a part of me always wanted to take shelter somewhere foreign, only now I had different reasons to hide.
“Yeah, I’m going to miss you though.” I was. But Fawn had studied abroad before dropping out of York to pursue her freelance writing career. We were apart for six months and Facetime was our saving grace. We could do it again.
She pulled me in for a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around me. “I hope you find what you’re looking for out there.”
“Me too,” I whispered in her hair.
Me too.
***
The ceremony was an epic drag.
People cheered, cried, laughed. It was personal to them, this momentous occasion that felt like a blur to me.
I sat with Fawn and her family since my mom was “working.” Convenient that, she was always so productive every time I needed her.
Maybe I didn’t need her to see me graduate.
But I wanted her to.
Carter showed up a few minutes after we arrived, calling in sick to work just so that I’d have company.
That’s what Mom should’ve done.
That’s what she didn’t do.
Fawn grabbed my hand, tipping her cap to me. “We did it, Blu. We made it.”
She turned away but I continued to stare at her; her brown eyes that twinkled with light, her manicured fingers that applauded everyone – especially the people she didn’t know.
I always envied her, but maybe it wasn’t from a place of jealousy. No, it came from a world of adoration, of love.
She was incredibly kind, soft-spoken and talented. Her parents had wealth, but she always worked for her success. A talented writer, an even better friend –
The single lifeline I had that kept me afloat.
Carter sat by my left side, nudging my shoulder. “Congratulations, Blu.”
I leaned down to kiss his cheek, then did the same for Fawn. No words could describe the way I felt sitting between two people who cared for me. The only two people I never doubted.
It was a peaceful thing. The feeling of not feeling. Knowing that the person beside you loved you, flaws and all. I never had to try and pretend to be lovable, not with them – I just was.
Amidst the crowded auditorium, in the corner of my eye, I recognized Jace’s mother. I didn’t expect any less, seeing as the universe loved to taunt me with his presence and the presence of those around him.
Beside her was an older man from what I could tell. Probably his father. And to his father’s right were three other men – Jace’s brothers.
I remember him telling me how he wished he could have a closer relationship with him. A part of me wanted to go up to him, hug him and say, “They came for you.”
But it wasn’t my place to be happy for him.
It was my place to be happy for me.
So when my name was called to go on stage and collect my diploma, I mimicked the sentiments of everyone around me.
I did this.
I should be proud.
“Beatrice Henderson, class of 2022, Bachelor of Communications degree.”
The auditorium burst with delight, not because they knew who I was, but because it was the proper thing to do.
At a point, maybe that would have mattered to me. But the important people sat by my side, tapping my back before I made my way across the stage, waving at a bright light that allowed the crowd to blend into black. I grabbed my diploma from the college president and shook his hand.
I made it.
I did it.
I should be proud.
I –
Jace’s eyes met mine, standing in a row of graduates I hadn’t spoken to before, hadn’t seen. He never heard my actual name; I never told him. That explained the shock of wonder on his face.
“My name’s not really Blu, dumbass,” I wanted to say. But instead I smiled.
Because today, just today, I was Beatrice Henderson, the name my father gave me. The name he left me with.
I took my place beside a boy with golden hair, acknowledging him with a cordial nod and stepped out of Jace’s view.
Deep in the crowd, I pretended everyone was gone. The only two lights that remained were Fawn and Carter. My mom didn’t want to be there, so she didn’t deserve to be. But somewhere, somewhere far away my father came to cheer me on.
Somewhere, he was proud that they called on Beatrice instead of Blu.
Somewhere, he was alive and breathing and healthy.
And I wanted to be too.
After the ceremony, the graduates filed off stage and hugged one another. Fawn embraced me, then Bryce.
I knew Jace wasn’t too far behind, so when he emerged from a group of huddled peers, I was prepared.
“Happy graduation,” he smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes.
Snarky remarks tried to pry its way out, but it was a happy day for most people… Why couldn’t it be a happy day for me?
“Same to you,” I said. I forced tenderness. I tried.
“When do you leave for France?”
Screaming and whistling echoed through the hall, so I pulled Jace aside to a quieter area next to a trophy case.
“Tuesday.”
His jaw clenched, those uncertain eyes shifting from the ground to my face. “You must be excited. I’ve always wanted to go.”
I wanted to scream at him, reiterate the fact that we ended for the precise reason of me asking him to come, and him rejecting my invitation.
But instead, I played it off. I was exhausted of him. He exhausted me.
“You never told me that.”
He shrugged. “There’s a lot of things I haven’t told you.”
And now, we’d never get the chance.
“Why did you choose Paris of all places?” he asked.
“Honestly, I just think it’s the atmos –”
“Atmosphere,” he interjected at the same time as me.
We did that often enough; finished each others sentences. It was odd. We were odd.
If I thought about it too much, I would’ve read into it. Anything is a sign if you look hard enough. I couldn’t do that to myself anymore. My heart’s had enough.
“Have you thought about what you want to do after all this?” I waved my hand, directing it to the happy graduates and golden streamers.
He removed his cap, trailing the square edges with his finger. “No idea.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah,” he chuckled sarcastically. “I’m sure.”
The noise quieted as people began exiting the hall, leaving me in a private bubble alone with Jace. “What are your interests?”
He leaned his body against the glass trophy casing. “Soccer. It’s always been soccer. I guess I just never had time to think about who I was without it, even though I had years to decide,” he shook his head, “It just never felt like I was on a time crunch, you know? That my life had to start somewhere after I failed.”
“You didn’t fail.”
“You didn’t see me play.”
“I would’ve liked to.” My cheeks heated, but it was a sincere desire. Innocent. If we would’ve had the time, maybe we would’ve been normal.
Maybe.
The corner of his lip twitched into a half-smile. “I would’ve liked that.”
“It’s weird,” I started, “I feel like we never talked about the normal things when we were…” Together? Fooling around? Something? Nothing? I didn’t know how to label it, label us. We always jumped in head-first.
A soft chuckle. “We were too busy arguing or jumping each other’s bones to talk about anything.”
“We did it wrong,” I admitted out loud, before I could tie my words back and shove it in a net.
His gaze softened as he whispered, “But at least we did it.”
Fawn and Bryce approached, hand-in-hand, with happy smiles. A pleasant contrast between Jace and I, who looked as if something died in our presence.
Something did.
Maybe he felt it too.
“My parents are waiting to take us to celebratory brunch, babe,” Fawn said, chipper. She ignored Jace’s existence like always. The purest friend I could have ever asked for.
Only I didn’t want to ignore him. Not with the moment we just shared. But if I didn’t, I would’ve danced in this merry-go-round again and again until remnants of me were all that remained.
This was a new chapter.
I vowed that to myself.
So I grabbed Fawn’s hand, said a swift goodbye to Bryce and hugged him tightly. “Take care.”
“You too, Blu. Have fun in Paris.” He smiled kindly. “Take lots of pictures.”
I nodded, dreading the last moment I knew I had with Jace. The last moment I’d see those sparkly bluish eyes, that sharp jaw and sunken dimples. Hear his laugh; that laugh that filled my chest with something other than solitude.
But the time had come to bid farewell to all his attributes, all his being.
No more late night calls.
No more fighting.
No more kissing, fucking, nothing –
No more going back.
No more hue.
No more hue.
I had tears in my eyes when I turned to Jace for the final time, refusing to see if my sadness mirrored his.
“Are we saying goodbye?” I asked softly, staring at the grey-tiled floor covered in glitter.
With his final touch, his fingers gently lifted my chin to face him – forcing me to see that he was crushed, crushed like me.
His voice broke as he said, “Maybe next time.”
He turned around before I could respond, pushing through the exit doors without so much as a glance back. Bryce shot me a look of apology, trailing after him as my eyes remained glued to the spot in front of me – where he’d been before he took the executioners blow to my heart.
I didn’t cry.
I felt breathless.
But I didn’t cry.
I cried too much in my lifetime to cry again – to cry over someone who couldn’t even say goodbye to me after all we’d been through.
“He’s not worth it,” Fawn insisted, scrunching her fingers against my shoulder.
“No,” I exhaled. “He’s not.”
As we walked to meet her family, I looked back at the exit doors where he fled, picturing him standing there waving to me.
I couldn’t figure out which outcome was worse.
The one where he didn’t care, or the one where he cared too much.
Either way he wasn’t worth it.
He’s not worth it.
He’s not worth it.
He’s not worth it.
But you know who was?
Me.
I was worth it.
I was worth it.
I am worth it.
And maybe that’s exactly what I’d find in Paris. Maybe that’s the belief I’d search for.
That from this day forward, no one would take my worth away from me again.
You are worth it, Blu Henderson.
Love, Beatrice.
