and Rafe still stood on my patio, leaning his strong forearms against my iron balcony and showing no sign of coming back in any time soon. Maybe he was weighing Finn’s ability to heal him if he jumped. He’d probably at least considered it. Because it would be just like him to leave me on my own.
I steepled my fingers and pressed them against my lips. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry with Rafe for blaming me for Kyle’s death when that was exactly what I’d wanted him to do. In the last four years, I hadn’t once spoken up to defend myself. No one on the island knew the truth, except Kenna. But despite the fact that Kenna believed I’d been playing the self-sacrificing lamb for the benefit of Kyle’s family, that’s not why I made the choices I’d made. I had no desire to cause them more pain, but I wouldn’t have thrown myself to the wolves for them either.
My reasons for keeping quiet had everything to do with Rafe. He had been, without a doubt, the most important person in my incredibly small world. The only one who saw me for me, not just who I was in relation to Kyle. And he was going to lose me either way.
I couldn’t let him lose Kyle too.
But the curse had changed everything. It had thrown us both into a complicated game of chess against the son of a petulant god, and we had no choice but to work together in order to survive. We couldn’t access our magic unless we touched. And my hormones had already had the shit-for-brains mentality of a feral cat in heat whenever we touched before our magic had significantly complicated things.
Add in a spectacular heap of horny side effects, and I stood no chance.
I pinched my fingers between my eyes to ward off an oncoming headache. Of all the Geminis on this godforsaken island, it had to be Rafe. Because of fucking course it did.
At first, I thought I could get away with not participating. After the earthquake, when magic I couldn’t access had flooded my veins, it became clear how everyone would be paired up. And I wanted nothing to do with it.
Wes and Audrey seemed to have it under control for a while.
But soon after the forest fire that they had put out with their rain, the curse kicked it up a notch. It was only targeting people who used magic, though. If Finn and Thora had kept their distance from each other, the curse might not have gone after them. But telling Finn to stay away from Thora would’ve been like asking the Earth to quit revolving around the sun.
Still, I’d thought I had time. I’d grown up on the island. I led tours all over it for the hotel. I could recite Zodiac Cove’s entire history in my sleep. There were few people on the island, besides Audrey and her grandmother, Selene, who had a better understanding of the legend.
When I stood on my balcony and watched the curse wash a thousand dead fish on shore, I fully understood it would be on Violet and Donovan to stop the curse before the barrier went up. And when they’d been too late, I’d counted on Kenna’s tenacity to stop the curse before the sun went out. It wasn’t until that failed, too, that anyone began to grasp that it would take all twelve of us. There was no sitting this thing out.
It still pissed me off to no end that Cole Latham had managed to get his shit together before me and Rafe. I’d assumed he would be the last hold out. But I’d highly underestimated Brooke’s charm and overestimated my willingness to hurt Rafe.
Because working with me, being honest and open enough to control our magic, would absolutely hurt him. And I’d run out of options, time, and excuses to do otherwise.
Kenna somehow got it in her head that Rafe would be grateful if I told him the truth. Aired out my whole ugly history with Kyle, let him see the things I’d been so careful to hide. Because that never should’ve been me. I was a Sagittarius. A fire sign. I was meant to be bold and bright and burn my own path through life. But I’d let one guy bulldoze me until I was reduced to ash, and I still didn’t know how to reckon with that.
And despite Kenna’s romantic ideals (which I fully blamed on Galen), there was no way Rafe would thank me for the full picture. The thing about Geminis is that they value communication more than just about anything. They can be moody and sarcastic, but you always know where you stand with them. Not only would Rafe not appreciate that I’d kept things from him, he’d take on even more blame and guilt.
I didn’t know how much one person could carry before they began to drown, and it wasn’t anything I ever wanted to know the answer to.
Tired of sitting around and stewing in self-pity, I went to my tiny galley kitchen to fill a new water glass, since Rafe had smashed my previous one. When I reentered the living room, he’d come back inside. His eyes drank me in from the top of my head down to my toes. His gaze lingered on my legs, and the heat in his eyes when he’d kissed me flared once more. He couldn’t even blame his magic. He wasn’t anywhere near me.
And as much I wanted another round of kissing, that wasn’t going to be on the agenda tonight. First, I had to tell him the truth, let him process that however he needed to, then we had to start working on getting our magic under control.
I had no idea how illusions and telekinesis worked together, or what use either of those things were in combating the curse, but we had to figure it out. And fast.
“We need to talk,” I said.
His gaze snapped to mine and an angry flush crawled up his neck, like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and he was trying to figure out how to blame me for it. “I don’t think that’s a good idea tonight. My head isn’t on right.”
“Your head is fine, it’s too hard to sustain any real damage.” I gestured to the patio. “And in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re a little short on time.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. He wanted to argue for the sake of arguing, but he was also exhausted. I glanced at the cat clock I’d hung in the nook that passed for my dining room. Three in the morning. Ugh. Without the sun, it really was easy to lose all sense of time.
I couldn’t dump all this on him when he was this worn out. “Fine. I’m sure the island isn’t going to sink tomorrow.” At least, I hoped not. “We’ll revisit this in the morning when we’re both in a better frame of mind.”
I grabbed the oversized men’s T-shirt and gray sweatpants that had somehow gotten mixed in with my laundry one day and I’d never bothered to throw out. They’d fit Rafe fine. Next, I dug through my tiny linen closet until I found a scratchy wool blanket and a thin pillow that would probably give him a crick in his neck. He wasn’t a guest and I wasn’t about to start treating him like one by going out of my way. My couch was comfortable enough.
He took my pathetic offering with a cocky smirk. “Thanks, buttercup.”
“Quit calling me that.” I turned around on my heel and marched into my room, shutting the door firmly behind me.
I usually slept in his old Zodiac High shirt, but I’d rather die than let him know that. So instead I slipped on a silk nightie Kenna had gotten me for my birthday when she was trying to nudge me into going out to experience the single life. The cool black material felt like water against my skin and the lace ties in front offered a teasing peek at my cleavage.
Just in case Rafe decided the couch wasn’t going to work for him after all…
I woke with a start, the remnants of my dream lingering. Strong hands gripping my hips, sliding my legs apart, soft lips kissing their way up my thighs. The gauzy silk of my nightie clung to my sweat-slicked back and the material had gotten twisted around my hips. What the hell had I been thinking wearing this to bed? Rafe wouldn’t come into my room. He didn’t even want to accidentally brush against my arm. So stupid.
I didn’t even want him, or want him to want me. I just didn’t want him to see me in his old shirt and think I’d done any sort of pining. For all he knew, I could’ve been living a secret sexy double life. The kind that required me to sleep in black lingerie.
Except this was Zodiac Cove, and there was no such thing as secrets here. I ripped the nightie off and flung it into the corner of my room on top of my knitting basket. My window was open and a soft breeze stirred the light blue curtains, cooling my overheated skin.
My plain white cotton bra and underwear were evidence of just how little sexiness there had been in my life recently. I hadn’t been completely celibate the last four years, but I hardly counted the handful of one-night stands I’d had with tourists who’d never heard of Kyle Ketner as anything meaningful. Every once in a while, I got the urge to feel pretty and wanted and reckless. A shadow of the girl I’d been in high school before I became Kyle’s girlfriend.
I glanced at the daisy-shaped clock on my nightstand. Eight in the morning. I hadn’t gotten enough sleep, but when had I been getting enough sleep these last few months?
With a deep sigh, I got up and pulled on a pair of light blue cotton shorts and a black tank top. We had work to do. If Rafe and I ever wanted to get out of this room, we needed to quit edging around the past and just deal with it already. It was the only way to move forward.
In the living room, Rafe was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. Good to know I wasn’t the only person who’d slept like shit. Without a word to him, I moved into the kitchen and fired up the coffeepot. I’d get him caffeinated, we’d talk, then work on getting our magic under control. Easy peasy.
Back in the living room, I handed him a steaming mug, which he accepted gratefully. I took a seat across from him on my velvet chair and folded my legs under me while I sipped my coffee and contemplated how best to start this discussion. Ripping the Band-Aid off seemed like the best approach. Just say it and get it done with.
I took a deep breath. “I never told you what happened the day Kyle died. I had my reasons, but if we need to trust each other to start testing our magic, then it needs to start now, and it needs to start with me.”
His eyes, which had just started to wake up, shuttered. The wall came down. “I’m not interested in rehashing the past. I know what happened that day. I was there, remember?”
“You weren’t in the dressing room when—”
“I said no.” Rafe’s expression had turned hard and unyielding, just like the day Kyle died.
A day that never would’ve happened if I hadn’t let myself get dragged along. If I hadn’t waited until the night before my wedding to voice my fears and doubts. What had I expected Rafe to say that night? Had I really thought he’d beg me to call it off?
No. By that point, it had been too late for either of us.
I paced the dressing room at the back of the church, the white satin of my wedding dress pinching my ribs and stealing the air from my lungs. I couldn’t do this. I should’ve corrected Kyle when he told people we were engaged.
He never even asked me. I never got the chance to say no.
So why was I here, wearing this dress I hated, ready to give my life away to a man who had never once asked me what I wanted?
Kenna couldn’t keep the worry out of her eyes as she fluffed my veil. “I’d tell you that you look beautiful, but you look more like a cream puff. Not the soft, yummy kind, but a stiff one that has been sitting on the shelf for two days and might break your teeth.”
I pushed the white netting out of my face. “Please, tell me how you really feel. Don’t spare my feelings.”
Ignoring my obvious sarcasm, she cupped my face. “Why are you doing this?”
Why was I doing this? If I knew how to answer that, I would’ve done so a long time ago. Because this was what I was supposed to do? Because this entire day had been planned around me without me having to lift a finger? Because it was standing room only in the church? Because we were the golden couple and everyone told us we belonged together? Because Kyle had claimed me when we were kids, and everyone just went along with it because he was charming and handsome and everyone’s favorite?
I supposed I could’ve answered yes to any number of important questions. Except one. Did I love Kyle? My gut twisted, knowing the answer to that was no.
But I couldn’t back out now. Last night had been my last opportunity and I fucked it by kissing Rafe instead of being honest with him. Because when his lips touched mine, I felt right and whole for the first time in my life, and I never wanted it to end. I took temporary pleasure over much-needed advice from the person who knew me best, and ended up ruining the best relationship in my life.
If I’d told him I didn’t love Kyle, he would’ve supported me. Yeah, Kyle was his best friend, but so was I. And that wasn’t a small thing. He would’ve looked out for me and helped me find a way out of this mess. If only that stupid, amazing kiss had never happened…
“Thinking about Rafe?” Kenna gave me a knowing smile. I’d told her about the kiss because I tell Kenna everything. And of course, she didn’t think it was a crisis. In fact, her exact quote was that it was “about damn time.”
I rolled my eyes and turned away, pulling off the veil to adjust one of the pins that was digging into my scalp. “Nope. Thinking about the happy life I’m about to have with Kyle.”
She snorted. “Care to wager on that?”
A small smile touched my lips. God, Kenna and I used to be such idiots. We’d bet against each other over the most asinine things and make the loser do a variety of humiliating stuff. People found us endlessly amusing, probably because more often than not it involved one of us getting naked. What I wouldn’t give to be sixteen again for one more day.
“Listen. I know you don’t think I’m doing the right thing—”
“I know you’re not,” she said.
“Can you… just… pretend like I am? Just for today?”
She held my gaze for the longest time. Kenna had never lied to me, and she wouldn’t start now. Not even when I begged her to. “I told everyone that Betsy Newcomb took a huge dump in the east bathroom and the whole wing smells like something died in there. It’s clear if you need to make a run for it.”
With that, she walked out the door. Making it clear that she was just about done playing maid of honor for this sham of a wedding. I picked up my veil, running my fingers over the fine fabric. A hangnail from my recent manicure got caught in the netting and ripped a tiny hole in it.
Instead of leaving it alone, I pushed my finger through, making the hole bigger, until I tore clean through the fabric. Kyle’s mom had given me that veil from her wedding. It was my something borrowed and something old. My something new was everything else.
My something blue would always be my secret.
A forceful knock on the door had my head snapping up, and Kyle entered the small room with a big grin. “I know, I know. It’s bad luck to see you before you walk down the aisle.”
He hadn’t even waited for me to invite him in. He just walked in like he owned the place. Because in Kyle’s mind, he owned any space I was in. And I was merely the guest.
My fingers clenched around the torn veil. Kenna was right. I couldn’t do this.
He stepped up next to me in front of the full-length mirror and adjusted his bowtie, not so much as glancing at me. Just assuming he had my attention. “Kenna said you needed to see me? She was kind of pushy about it. If I’m being honest, I’ll be happy when we start seeing less of her. I don’t like how she always has some kind of smart-ass comment for everything.”
My brows pinched together, momentarily distracted from the speech I was writing in my head to end this charade. “Why would we see less of her?”
“Because we’ll be married.” He looked at me like I was stupid. Something he did so often, I used to think that was just his regular expression. “Once we start having kids next year, we’ll be too busy with our own life. We won’t have time for other people anymore.”
Was he serious? I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids at all, let alone next year. We’d never even discussed this. He just assumed. Like he assumed everything and expected me to fall in line. God. How had I gotten here? When had I stopped having a voice in my own life?
The temper that had taken far too long to surface roared through me with the fire of a thousand suns. Fuck coming up with a whole speech. I needed to get the hell out of here before I made the biggest mistake. “Kyle. We need to talk…”
Rafe stood, pulling me out of the old memories that still felt as fresh as if they’d happened yesterday. “If you want to practice, we can practice. I think we need to get this shit under control before I get another concussion. But I don’t want to talk about the past, okay? Do this one thing for me. Please.”
I looked up at the man I used to love so fully, so fiercely, and I couldn’t deny him this. Eventually, I’d have to tell him, but it could wait. He’d just begun to open up to the idea of working with me. The island needed us. I couldn’t risk the smallest sliver of the tentative trust that we’d just begun to build. Those icy-blue eyes I’d stopped seeing myself in so long ago held my gaze, waiting for me to respond. So I bit my lip and nodded.
And another thread of light inside me went dark.
