It’s been two days since Hudson left on his mission and two days since Charlotte handed me her doctor’s info.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared out of my mind, wondering about all the ‘what if’ scenarios that could happen should I be carrying Hudson’s child.
After the girls’ interrogation on the matter, it was clear I wasn’t jumping for joy at the idea of being a teen mom. Not because I didn’t want to be a mother, but because I was dreading having to tell my own.
She’d been a teen mom herself and there wasn’t a day growing up where she didn’t remind me of it.
It wasn’t until she started dating James that she finally quit mentioning her big mistake. Me.
‘Whatever you do, Alyssa. Don’t get knocked up. It will ruin your dreams and hold you back. The last thing you want is to struggle like I have, ending up with the first Joe Schmo who gets between your legs.’
She resented my dad for getting her pregnant—which is insane. Last I checked, it takes two to tango. But that logic went out the window when the boy who got you pregnant came from the same low-rent neighborhood you did.
I roll my eyes as memories flit back to arguments my parents had about money and how my mom always said Daddy never made enough. That he wasn’t ever enough.
I still remember the day I’d found out he’d left. I came home, expecting to see my dad, but Mother quickly set me straight. ‘That good for nothing man is long gone. It’s better this way. Now I can find you a new daddy. One who’d actually provide.’
Thankfully, my dad wasn’t deterred from seeing me, much to my mother’s dismay. I didn’t get to spend time with him during the school year because he was off working on oil rigs, but he made sure to pick me up every summer, taking me on road trips in Big Red.
I wonder how Dad would take the news of a grandbaby if he were still here. Whatever his reaction would be, I bet it would be nothing like the one I knew I’d receive from my mother.
“Alyssa Rogers.”
I look up from my lap and see a cheerful nurse in pink scrubs. “Ms. Rogers. Are you ready?”
Getting up from my seat, I walk toward her and attempt a feeble smile as she hands me a cup.
“The bathroom is around the corner. Please fill this container and leave it in the cut-through window.” The blond quickly looks down at her chart before shooting me a sad smile. “You’re Charlotte’s friend. Please give her my regards. Tell her Lizzy sends hugs.”
She must’ve seen the favor Charlotte called in to get me an appointment so quickly. They must know what she’s been through with her loss. “Yes. I am and I will.”
With a small nod she leaves me to do my business, counting down the minutes until I get the answer to a question that has the power to shake my world to its core.
“Congratulations! You’re pregnant.” Dr. Bower exclaims, a toothy grin practically taking up her entire face.
In that moment, a surge of happiness threatens to knock me over and off of the exam table.
Unchecked butterflies flutter through me as my head bobs up and down, nodding like one of those bobble heads.
What I’m nodding to, I have no clue.
Acknowledgement that my life has irrevocably changed?
Even when I took the at-home pregnancy test, I found a million and one excuses to disbelieve the glaring result on the tiny window. But now, here under the fluorescent lighting of this room, there’s no more denying it.
I’m pregnant. And despite all of my prior apprehension and fear, I can’t help but feel unfettered joy.
I don’t care what my mother will say. All I care about is my tiny unborn baby and all the love he or she already holds. My baby could never be a mistake.
Sure, this wasn’t planned. Not really. But I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if I’m not on birth control and we never used a condom, this would eventually happen.
A quick pang of anxiety hits me, wondering what Hudson will think, but then it’s eased by the memory of his hand splayed across my abdomen. He hasn’t said as much, but he’s taken unprotected liberties. The last two of which were clearly intentional.
“My tech is going to bring in the ultrasound. Based on your last menstrual cycle, it looks like you may still be early on so this will have to be transvaginal.”
Just then, another woman in pink scrubs rolls in a machine.
“Will we be able to see the baby?” My heart stutters at the thought of seeing something so magical without Hudson by my side.
“At this stage, we should be able to see a sac and possibly hear the heartbeat. Again, this depends on when exactly you got pregnant.”
She lays me down gently, instructing me to pull up the gown I’m wearing while pulling out a rod from the machine and sliding over a condom looking thing on it. What the fuck?
It’s then I remembered the words transvaginal. Well, damn.
I feel my brows pull together, something that doesn’t go unnoticed by Dr. Bower. “Just relax your legs for me, please.”
She pulls my knees apart and inserts the device before training her eyes on the screen attached to the machine. There’s the slight furrowing of her brows and pursing of her lips before she shoots the nurse a quick glance. “What did you say the last date of her cycle was?”
The nurse rattles off something, but I’m now acutely aware of Dr. Bowers mouth, which is still pursed.
“Okay.” She removes the wand and stows it away before turning back to look at me, her mouth now curved in a professional smile. “Now, I don’t want you to worry.”
No. No. No. Nothing good could start with that.
I chew on my bottom lip, waiting for her to crush what happiness I’d just found.
“So there’s no visible gestational sac and no heartbeat as of yet. But I don’t want you to be discouraged. We’re going to do some blood work and check your HCG levels and then try again in a couple of days based on those results.”
I blink rapidly, trying to digest her words. “So, am I not pregnant?”
“There are several reasons why we couldn’t see the sac. Maybe it’s just too early, and the blood test will support that assessment if that’s the case.”
“And the alternative would be what?” I know she probably thinks I’m dense, but I need her to spell things out for me. In the past hour I’ve gone from anxious to scared, and then elated to now… what… what do I feel?
“There are other possibilities.”
“And those are?” My eyes narrow, needing her to spit it out already.
“It could be an ectopic pregnancy, or maybe it wasn’t viable. But those are things we don’t have to discuss right now. We don’t want to put any undue stress on the body.” She rolls in her lips, obviously uncomfortable with the somber mood we’ve shifted into.
I give her a nod and she takes it as her cue to exit. “Okay then, the nurse will take you for bloodwork and then you’ll come back in a couple of days to do it again. The ranges between the two will give us a good idea of the progression.” She reaches out, giving my shoulder a small squeeze. “I’ll see you soon.”
She walks out of the room, leaving a hollow ache in my chest as her words replay in my head.
Not viable.
Not viable.
Not viable.
What kind of sick twisted game has fate played me? Is this a punishment for having gone against my mother’s wishes? For wanting a man I shouldn’t?
Well, at least one thing is clear.
Wiping away my tears, I know exactly how I’d feel about a baby with Hudson. It’d be a blessing. Never a mistake.
